Sexual Problems

The Sexually Frustrated Man

Aren’t they all? Seriously though. This guy has an unrealistic expectation of sex in this relationship. He may have gotten into a relationship expecting that he would have daily sex with you. He may not have taken into account that you are an actual person that may not be in the mood some of the time. Then he takes it a step further by constantly badgering you for sex which is an enormous mood killer. Why would he think that a guy begging for sex is ever a turn on? Has this somehow been effective for him in the past?

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I would be remiss if I didn’t take the time to address why he is sexually frustrated in the first place. You might just be mismatched in the libido area or just not all that attracted to him. If the libido mismatch is the culprit, a good conversation explaining sexual expectations would be a good idea. Make sure to have this conversation while he is locked to ensure that you’ve got his full attention. Many times, a guy has a bit of a heightened sense of self importance in the bedroom.

I think most of us have been in relationships with guys who we aren’t 100% attracted to. He is maybe 70% there and his personality or other traits make up for the rest. We don’t want perfection, we just want a guy who looks good, keeps himself groomed and we aren’t afraid to introduce to our friends. That is totally ok, guys are a bit more forgiving when it comes to women. If she is the least bit in to him and he finds her attractive, he will usually forgive most imperfections. That’s just the way things work, or at least the way I’ve seen things work.

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Your guy has too much sexual energy and that is a good thing, you just need to redirect that energy. With just a few short weeks, he will be eager to please you both in and outside the bedroom.

An interesting thing here is when a sexually frustrated man brings male chastity to you rather than the other way around. This may seem counter intuitive since he is sexually frustrated but wants to be locked. Men bring chastity to their wives and girlfriends more frequently than you might expect!. Over the years, as you’ve conditioned him man to ask for sex with frequent denial makes makes him feel powerless in the sexual aspect of his life. He may masturbate frequently and feel guilt about his porn or masturbation frequency. He may also want to formalize the power transfer since he feels like he has already handed you control of his sexuality.


A cage simply reinforces what he feels you want, a man that does not have sex or masturbate unless given specific permission. He is, in a sense trying to please you, pleasing women is very natural for men and does bring them pleasure especially when used as an outlet for sexual energy. Much of this happens at the subconscious level so he may not even know why. The sexual urges that he is feeling are probably extremely uncomfortable and distracting. The sexual urges that men feel are much different than the urges that we feel.


Female sexual urges have been described as wanting to scratch an itch while male sexual urges are along the lines of hunger or thirst. The sexually starved man is just that, he feels like he must release or he will starve. Locking him will help remove this burden from him so he can focus on other things. The subconscious male mind changes from being on the hunt for food (sex) to understanding that this need is under someone else’s control and the body acknowledges that the need will be met in due time. Quite interesting how quickly the subconscious hands this over. For a first time lockup, it takes between 5 and 7 days. Subsequent lockups only take about 2-3 days. Once the body accepts the hand-off, you will notice the sexual energy in different ways such as unsolicited massages, hand holding, foot rubs and generally a more touchy-feely male.

Sometimes he can be absolutely annoying with requests for unlock, requests for sex or general conversation about being locked. You locked him so you can go for a span of a few days at a time without him shoving his thing in your face all the time. I’ve been careful in other parts of this blog to not suggest that the cage is a punishment but this guy needs to curtail his sexual aggression. He should not ask for sex. If he asks for sex, the consequence is lockup or extension of lockup if he is already locked. It won’t take long for him to stop asking, he may give a few passive aggressive jabs as well, don’t forget to remind him with an extension of a few extra days.

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Remember also that every man becomes a sexually frustrated man when caged. Use this to your advantage and use this to keep the relationship and your lives moving in the right direction. A caged man is a less selfish lover and more productive at work and around the house. What are you waiting for?



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Hi Emma,
I really enjoy your posts much as I did Yogagirl’s when they were available. You are thoughtful and you boyfriends are very lucky. I hope that thu know this. I know that much of what you write is for women Let me also identify myself as married, beyond middle aged (50s), frustrated, sex- starved, possibly submissive, fantasizing about chastity, tease/denial, pegging, servicing my wife orally, etc all for some acknowledgement of my sexuality which you accurately characterize as a hunger, or thirst. And, I have no firsthand experience experience with any of it. Just what I read. But here goes. Not wanting t seem critical of decisions or solutions that you and perhaps your readers have made/found I wonder if there isn’t there something problematic about the state of affairs for which chastity is the solution: repeated denial that conditions a man to feel sexually powerless and guilt about masturbation. I’m not advocating for sex when a man demands or for women to find physical and emotional satisfaction in the 2 minutes of attention that such a man is offering. But still, isn’t there then a perspective (not a moralist or chauvinistic one) that sees chastity not only as part of the solution but also as opportunistic. I realize male and female sexual responses are different but if a man denied his female partner such that she felt sexually powerless and being unwanted she masturbated and felt guilty any “solution” that took advantage of this state of affairs would be thought of as problematic wouldn’t it? So I wonder what you think can be done to avoid the bad relationship habits and avoid the assigned and socialized sexual roles that might bring us to this point. I recall that Yogagirl overtly conditioned her husband not to cum during sex without her permission and as a result of his conditioning he did not masturbate otherwise. She “scared” him into being a tantric master (almost). But perhaps many women don’t have the willpower and sexual appetite that she appeared to have. There is Karezza but perhaps having a multiorgasmic capacity woman need not avoid orgasm just their men do. Are these other modalities of orgasm control ineffective, too hard for willing men to achieve, to difficult for more ordinary women to impose, meaningless for unwilling male participants ? Sorry for the long post. Please keep writing.


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