2020 Update – this blog was written over a year ago and I decided not to take it down but it doesn’t really represent the relationship that we have any longer. I encourage you to try whatever you feel is right for your relationship but we found that punishment pulled us apart. Although the site’s name is evolvingyourman, if I didn’t go through some personal evolution with my amazing guy I would be a fool indeed. Check out this blog for a more recent take on our relationship dynamic.
There comes a time where a bit of domestic discipline needs to come into play. Perhaps he is getting resentful, angry, snippy or just not responding to extensions of his lockup time. Here are some ideas to get you started.
This one is pretty obvious, if he is grounded he loses time with his friends or activities that he typically enjoys. TV, phone, video games, early bed time. The same sort of punishments that you probably do with your children if you have them.
This one can be effective if your man is a foodie. Very simply, you restrict him to boring bland foods for a period of time. For example, the only foods he is able to eat for the next three days is chicken broth. You can pick the food and be creative, maybe he is to eat foods that you know he doesn’t like.
Note – Do not limit his intake of water, this can be very dangerous.
Corner time is a planned time out when your man stands in a corner with no distractions such as television, phone, music etc. He is to stand in the corner, facing the wall to think about whatever it is that you wish him to think about.
Start by leading him over to the corner by his arm or wrist. You should identify a corner in the house as his corner so he knows where his punishments will be carried out. Then tell him how long he will be in the corner, I typically don’t do corner time for less than 30 minutes. Positions can vary but I like hands and arms behind his head. You can also have him hold coins against the wall with his fingers or even kneel on rice if your floor is hardwood or tile.
Make sure that his corner time is done in complete silence. If he is unclear as to the reason you are upset, this all needs to happen prior to corner time. If he speaks, drops the coins, takes his hands off his head or stands up from the rice, his counter starts over.
After corner time, a long embrace and encouragement about how well he handled his punishment is highly encouraged.
Have him write an apology letter or perhaps a recount of how he could have handled things differently. You can even have him write repeating lines such as “I will not forget to do your laundry”. After writing that one or two hundred times, he should have an easier time remembering next time.
The tried and true. Spanking your man is easy but can actually backfire if done improperly. Bending him over a chair, your lap or the bed can be kinky or exciting for him. If you aren’t careful, he may try to get himself “in trouble” just to get spanked. We don’t practice kinky spanking. When I spank my man I actually want it to hurt and I want a lesson to be learned. When I first started spanking him, I would take him over my knee after some stern words. At first he didn’t take me seriously and thought that I was playing into some sort of fantasy.
I realized that I couldn’t get the necessary force when I had him over my knee so I had him stand by the bed with his face buried in the pillow. This is basically the same position that we use for pegging. From there, I take a large wooden paddle and give him a few practice swats. After a couple good practices, I give him about five hard swats to the “convex buttocks”. I’ve included an illustration below so you know where to hit without causing damage. If you hit the right spot, you can leave deep bruises and even draw blood without any worry. Not that you go into this with the intention of bruising or blood, my point is that you don’t have to concern yourself if you do it correctly.
What should you spank with? I’d recommend a wooden paddle, hair brush or even a belt. Another photo is included above for information on which devices cause which levels of pain and welts.
Spank him, stop to allow the blood to rush to the spot that you were paddling then swat in the same place. This really helps direct the pain to those areas. Ultimately when I spank, the goal is not to draw blood or leave welts but to cause pain and induce crying. When he cries, I almost always stop.
After your spanking session is over, aftercare is important. Get some aloe gel or something cool and soothing to put on his bottom to help him heal up quickly. In my household, spanking is always followed by a long hug followed by some sweet words of encouragement and reminder of what was done wrong and specifics on how it can be avoided in the future. Afterwards, corner time always follows so he can think about his punishment and my loving words of encouragement.
Nobody is looking to make him guess how to stay out of trouble. I certainly don’t want him sitting in the corner thinking of his spanking and getting resentful so i feel that showing some love is very important. As head of household, I don’t want to spank him to tears but sometimes it is necessary.
I’ve included pegging here because I want to make sure that I am very clear that pegging is not a punishment. Pegging is a reward and when done properly, pegging should not be painful. As with accepting your man’s penis inside you, my man accepts my strap-on inside him and it is a fulfilling, exciting experience for both of us. If we do pegging after spanking, his skin can be a bit tender but pegging in our household is gentle and loving.
You had done an earlier post on a sex schedule and had a Maintenance Spanking on one day. Do you find that it is necessary to proactively provide punishment or is this just a placeholder in case Kevin committed more serious infractions? How many times a month do you bring Kevin to tears from punishment? Do you maintain a list for Kevin of what infractions deserve which punishments? Can you provide some examples of infractions that would warrant the different type of punishments? ie cursing, raising his voice, forgetting a chore, accidental ejaculation during sex, etc My wife reluctantly agreed to managing my retention through chastity and we both are enjoying it. She is not into punishment, and I am good with that and secretly hoping she stays that way. My concern with punishment is that my desire for my wife and her authority would turn into a conditioned state of helplessness rather than a horny state of devotion where my happiness comes from her pleasure and happiness. Keep up the great writing!
Bill – we did have a strict schedule with maintenance spankings but we’ve moved away from that as his behavior has become much better over the course of the last few months. We do maintenance spankings regularly (perhaps once a month) but not on a set schedule. Maybe I’m becoming lazy but I like to think that with my help, he is evolving. 🙂
I understand your concerns about conditioned helplessness which is why I do try and keep much of my reinforcement very positive and reward driven. Repeated backtalk has been the number one reason for corrective punishment so far as I can remember. The nice thing about the corrective punishment is that it provides me an outlet so I don’t hold these things over his head for months or years. Once we’ve worked things out, they are truly water under the bridge and I think that is good for both of us.
Discussing the issue of punishment can be a tricky task, and thank you for undertaking it. So much of what’s discussed out on the internet seems to quickly devolve into S&M kink (which is okay if that’s your think, but it’s not really punishment).
I wanted to mention some of our (mine and my GF’s) thoughts regarding punishment and how they relate to what you wrote. A key component of our punishment is sensory deprivation. You mentioned food, which is her primary go to for more chronic or longer term punishments. Unflavored oatmeal that has cooled off in the refrigerator for a few hours is my diet for a few days if I commit any infractions. The quantity in the bowl is about the most I could possibly eat, so if I were to eat something while at work during the day, finishing off ‘dinner’ would be problematic. She also makes sure that her meal is particularly aromatic, so as to emphasize the blandness of the oatmeal.
For short term or immediate punishments, she uses corner time. For me, it’s my hands behind my back, a quarter held against the wall by my nose, and another quarter held down lower. An added element that we have is that we bought a small music/mp3 player that accepts little microSD cards. We have a catalog of different SD cards, each with a different category of “songs”. By “songs,” I mean recordings that we’ve made where either she or I have read various -positive affirmations- that we play back over and over again.
An additional corrective measure that we haven’t needed to use much recently, but was effective back when there was a problem was an O-Ring gag. If I ever spoke out of turn or said things that I shouldn’t have (e.g. talking back, or something not nice), I’d be wearing the gag for the next half hour to hour. It only takes a few minutes before your jaw starts to get sore wearing one.
I really like the “songs” idea. That is a great way to spend corner time. Do you find that this impacts your ability to think about what you’ve done and come to terms with how to handle this sort of situation in the future? For me, punishment is as much about negative consequences as it is about setting aside time to think about ways that it could have been handled differently.
I’m curious…how did you come to use spanking as a corrective action? Was it your idea, or his? Do you find it to be successful, as you think he is evolving? Do you consider it a good “tool” to use, along with the cage?
We’ve just started to test the waters with spanking as a means to address some occasional issues that crop up. It was my suggestion, to give her a means to feel empowered, and for me to improve as a husband and partner. Rather than argue and fussing and leaving things unsettled, I’m hoping this brings resolution to difficult situations. I want to be able to disagree sensibly, rather than argue, and calmly and rationally state our views. When you have a strong personality, as guys often do, it’s easy to dominate the conversation, which is not fair. And after a fuss, when things are calm, it’s easy for hurt feelings to last. Hopefully, this is a way to put an end to that kind of unhelpful behavior and give us a means to move on quickly, with immediate resolution, and improvement in the future.
Quite simply, it does all of that and you stated some great reasons why I brought spanking into the relationship as a corrective measure. I ran across all kinds of things but many didn’t seem like a good fit. Spanking, as you said is a very clear reaction to a situation and can be completed in an evening rather than drawing it out for some time. It has been a good fit for us. Some weeks better than others but overall, a very good way to get through issues that we experience as a couple.
Do you combine things, at times? I’ve seen elsewhere that some women require naked corner time after a spanking, for instance.
Do you find that extended lock-up or denial is an effective deterrent also? Or does it really take a more assertive approach for serious infractions and corrections?
Aftercare is very important. We always put some lotion or aloe vera cream on his butt to help things heal up quickly. I also give him a big hug and some praise about how well he did and how much he must have learned because he did so well. I also give him a reminder of what he did wrong and why he was punished for it. I also explain a few ways that he can prevent it next time. Maybe ways to handle a situation differently. He is expected to be silent at that point and just take my words for consideration during his corner time. Corner time ALWAYS follows spanking so he has time to think about what he did.
Extended lock up and denial is good but as you know, it builds over time and isn’t immediate and corrective. The difference between adding a month and adding a week isn’t significantly different in the moment and I’ll be likely to add six months before something clicks and he changes his attitude. His attitude changes much more quickly when I say, honey we should probably change the subject to something else because we will be handling this when we get home – or we will be handling this later. He knows the longer he pushes me, the further I will be pushing the spanking.
I see; that makes sense. Especially the quit time to reflect in the corner. And yes, I agree that at some point extended denial is not a solution, although losing a release opportunity and getting a spanking instead is not something I’d look forward to.
You mentioned things you say: “we will be handling this later”. Is that how you handle public behavior issues, say at a mall, or a dinner party? A phrase that lets him know you’re not pleased and he’s going to be disciplined later?
That’s exactly right. I just let him know that we will be dealing with it later. That works fine even if we are in mixed company that doesn’t know about our relationship.
About 90% of the time that means that a spanking will be happening although if things improve drastically/immediately sometimes it is just some harsh words.
well, as it turns out, she’ll be “dealing with it” tonight. We had a difficult weekend and I was not on my best behavior. Things were back to normal last night but we discussed her need to punish me and she chose to make we wait until tonight. I had a doc appt this afternoon, and she told me she didn’t want the doc to see any marks on my rear end (just in case, as the appt was related to allergy/sinus issues). But I think that gives me an indication of where things are headed. Given that the entire weekend was pretty hosed, I’m expecting the worst, and it may be for more than one night. I have to do better.
How did it go?
Well, it was about as expected, though not as bad as it could have been I think. Overall, I think I got off a little lucky, perhaps as it was not given “in the heat of the moment” (or soon after). We are both still trying this aspect of things out & this was the first punishment spanking I’ve received (I’ve had a couple of lesser, maintenance ones). She doesn’t really like OTK, so I knelt, naked, on our bedroom dressing bench/sofa (at the end of the bed) with my face in a cushion on the bed. She spent time during the spanking explaining what she was unhappy about and what I needed to improve. She used a variety of things to turn my rear end pretty darned red. I would guess she gave me a good 50 or so; I’m not really sure. Her favorites seemed to be the wooden bath brush and the cane. I was not looking at what she used, nor did she tell me which was in use. Afterward, there were a couple red welts from the cane, of course. We cuddled and held each other after it was over. I thanked her, and she told me I needed to do better. I think she went a little gentle on me, which was a bit of a surprise, but I think she’s still finding her range, so to speak. She also did not let me pleasure her at all, and I stayed locked up…no pleasure for me even to give anything to her. The next day there were a few marks and welts still , but not too bad. I could feel a couple of them thru the next day, but fortunately, she did not give me a second spanking the next day. All in all, I learned a good lesson, hopefully she feels more empowered, and we made progress toward a method to deal with issues going forward. I really want this to work for us both.
Here’s a question or two for you: do you think it’s helpful to have a list of agreed upon transgressions which will automatically earn future spankings? Did you have any initial worry about being “too rough” on your guy (and if so, how did you get over it?).
oh; I wanted to say I showed her your charts before hand, to help educate her. Thanks for posting those. I’d seen them before but it was nice to have them easy to find.
How does Kevin deal with this asymmetry? Surely you too make mistakes from time to time. Does he get to fix those problems with your behaviour? If not, how did you convince yourself that it was fair? Or if Kevin is not that guy then have you tried it with others you have dated in the past?
We tried the punishment and correction for a series of months and didn’t really care for the dynamic that it created in our relationship. Neither of us could really keep a straight face through it all. Spanking and correction is something that seemed quite fun but it turned out to not be for us. We still do chastity and pegging but not in a punishing way, they are loving acts intended to bring us closer together.
That is very relatable Emma. Lemmings and I too can never take it seriously. We try to pretend there has been some slight and that now the other person has to be punished (she prefers to be spanked, I prefer medium ball busting). But we do it to each other precisely because we know we like it –we get off on it and the fact that we are both open about such weird needs with each other brings us closer to each other.
i peg my middle eastern man to teach him about gender equity i want him to get rid off what we learn that man is better i tie up his balls during pegging causing light pain just to show him that i’m in control and that a woman can overpower him. it gives him a pleasure as well I’m training him to use his ass instead of his penis.