Submissive Man

In Defense of Submissive Men

So much of the material that you find on the internet about male submission and female dominance tends to minimize the value of the submissive man. If a man shows his feelings, he is somehow less valuable than a “macho” man. Boys are still taught to suppress their emotions and the boys that show emotions are valued less than the boys who express themselves. I wholeheartedly reject the alpha-male, beta-male concept entirely.

Traditional men are seen as conquering women and moving on to the next until they grow weary of the sexual conquests and settle for a woman that checks all the boxes. Submissive men are typically serial monogamists that seek to honor and become friends with their woman without “conquering” them. Submissive men seek to avoid the traditional power struggle from a relationship since they desire to be supportive and devoted.


As a society, we minimize these men who seek to bring value and loving submission to a relationship. These men crave women that make relationship decisions for them. A submissive man searches for a woman suitable of his loving devotion and dedicates himself to her. The femdom stereotype seeks to suggest that a woman should degrade the man and make him feel that he is worthless. This is remarkably easy to do since the submissive man takes the majority of his self worth and relationship validation from his ability to please his woman.

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I would argue that a woman’s responsibility with a submissive man is to build him up and support his submission inasmuch as she feels comfortable. If he wishes to give foot massages every night, do all of the housework and take care of the children – who are we to say that this is not normal or acceptable in our society?

So much of the dominant female stereotype suggests that submissive men should be locked, cuckolded and cast aside for another, stronger more virile man. I personally believe that as submissive man does not equal a weaker man. A man can be both submissive and strong just as a dominant man may be weak. My father, for instance was a submissive man at home.



Much of the profile that I wrote about in my article entitled The Boss was about my father. Without repeating that entire article, my father was a man who was in charge at work but came home and recognized my mother’s authority in the home. My mother’s authority while loving was the final say at home. I feel that I was lucky to have role models like my parents. My father passed a few years ago but my mother and I have discussed this topic and she said that a female led household was very common in their generation. Today, it seems that a female led household is frowned upon and the man is seen as weak where I say they are strong.

I’ve been in relationships with dominant men and the power struggle is absolutely exhausting. It is like two selfish children “I want, I want”. My submissive boyfriend, Kevin had a previous relationship with a submissive woman and found it equally as dysfunctional. Nobody was capable or interested in making decisions so nothing ever got done. If the following dialog sounds familiar, you may have been there too:

Where do you want to go?

I don’t know, where do you want to go?

I don’t know, I asked you first.

Let’s just stay home.

Submissive Choice

My point with this is to embrace a submissive man and find his inherent value. Just because he is submissive does not make him any less of a man. Aside from some very light teasing, we do very little humiliation in our household. I urge you to steer clear of degrading, humiliating and diminishing the worth of your submissive male. Although I’ve had requests for cuckolding articles, this isn’t something that we currently are interested or experienced in so you won’t find it here.

Now is where I make a very fine distinction between a man who is a doormat and a man who is merely submissive. I think we’ve all been in relationships where the guy will literally do anything for you. We sometimes request more and more absurd things just to see what we can get away with. The essential thing is that you both want to be with one another but neither of you is afraid of life without the other. The moment that one partner is doing submissive acts out of fear of losing the other, the tone of the relationship has turned to desperation. As a woman, when you sense neediness and desperation you will grow distant and repulsed.

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What we need is a submissive man who is confident in his submission, confident that you are the person for him and not insecure about losing you. This man is in touch with his feelings and not afraid to share how he is feeling or ask you for a hug on a rough day. This may seem like an impossible group of traits but I assure you, it isn’t. If you don’t see these traits in your submissive man, start developing them now. You can work with him to help develop his feelings with sensitive acts like pegging and spanking, acts that evoke emotion-driven conversation. Explain that you need more than to be placed on his pedestal and worshiped. You are looking for a partner and a friend who chooses to be submissive to you and serve you in the context of your relationship.

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One typically has a very clear understanding of which gender they are most attracted to. Consider that as with sexuality, know if we are attracted to a dominant or submissive mate. I would describe sexuality across two different spectrums. Which gender(s) are you most attracted to? Do you desire a partner that is dominant to you or submissive to you? When shopping for a guy, consider that these are traits that you might not be able to change about someone.

For more, here are some profiles of people that will benefit from a female led relationship.



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Most marriages I see are already FLR’s, in a mild form. There is no formal power exchange, but if a woman wants to have final say on a decision or wants a change in behavior she will argue until her man just gives in, and if that fails she uses sex to get her way. In the end, I don’t think either party is truly happy with these games even if they get their way.

Your degree of FLR is much more controlling and I think that is awesome that it works for you and Kevin, but I wonder if somewhere in the middle is a better place for most couples to start. Perhaps just start with controlling his release with a penis cage. The cage has really had the most profound affect on me psychologically and in a good way for the both of us, but I do wonder if the desire for devotional love eventually leads to a man becoming so submissive or child like that he becomes unattractive to his wife.


I don’t think that one size fits all in this type of situation. You both have to commit to the path you take and be willing to adapt and change as needed. And how far you go in any one direction, method, or practice, is really a question of finding what fits. To some degree, I suspect it is based on what your past experiences (good or bad) have been in prior relationships – what are you trying to accomplish or fix or improve? Not to mention, a certain degree of self-awareness of what works for you (or doesn’t).

I think most ladies would likely want the things you list; and denial and retention, through the use of a cage, can certainly help fuel the romance portion and focus him on your needs – which helps the others along I suspect. But it does not have to be by changing all that you really are, or for that matter, who she fell in love with (and vice versa). As Bill said, too much of a good thing could end up a bad thing.

But, a caged male, it seems to me, is far more focused on her needs and wants, more agreeable, more affectionate, and more helpful, for a lot of reasons (including the obvious hope for release!). And those benefits exist in all parts of your relationship, regardless of whether you happen to be in the bedroom or not. Or at least, it seems that way to me. That doesn’t mean we are not partners is normal life things, like kids, bills, finances, work, etc. But it might mean that the “load” in the household is more fair, the feelings more cooperative, and the overall relationship improved.

Of course, at the end of the day, happy wife, happy life!


The discussion around the potential troubles of relationships built on consensus decision-making within a post about how submissive men don’t need to be weak was very interesting. It shows how important balance is. After thinking a little about it, I came to the idea that a weak submissive man will try to adopt the opinions and preferences of the woman. A strong submissive man, on the other hand, will not necessarily adopt her opinions and preferences, but will defer to them for the greater good.

A weak submissive man entering into this sort of relationship is more likely to try to take the view that the woman is always right and her choices are always better, correct, or preferable. This is not a good approach as it seems likely to result in lower self-esteem and him failing to contribute his point of view on matters he may actually be more knowledgeable about. The weak submissive man puts all of the responsibility on the woman and the couple suffers because without him promoting his ideas, she is largely on her own in making decisions.

The strong submissive man understands that he has something to contribute to the relationship. He may be knowledgeable about the matter at hand, or at least he can add a different perspective to consider. He is confident in the value of his input and contributes it to the decision-making process. However, as a submissive man, he is willing to adhere to the woman’s decision, even though he may still disagree that it is the best decision or dislike it because it is not what he wants to do.

In every relationship there are areas where each person may not share the same opinion, but where one is content not to take a deciding interest. Maybe they wouldn’t choose the same colour for the hallway, but he is willing to say that it doesn’t really matter to him. A strong submissive man doesn’t devalue and abandon all of his opinions, but gives up his deciding interest in more areas. It can actually take a fair amount of strength or wisdom to hold to your views and express them, but trust someone else to make the decision. One caveat is that a strong submissive man needs a dominant partner who is also a good leader he truly respects and trusts to make decisions for both of them. He doesn’t need to like or agree with all of her decisions, and she doesn’t need to be right—or even fair—all the time, but she needs to show that she values and considers his input where appropriate and that she deserves to be the one making the decisions because it is the best arrangement for both of them. A strong submissive won’t follow a weak leader.


jmn – I think you have stated things very well.


I know I’m late with a reply to this old post, but this was too excellent not to acknowledge:

“The strong submissive man understands that he has something to contribute to the relationship. He may be knowledgeable about the matter at hand, or at least he can add a different perspective to consider. He is confident in the value of his input and contributes it to the decision-making process. However, as a submissive man, he is willing to adhere to the woman’s decision, even though he may still disagree that it is the best decision or dislike it because it is not what he wants to do.”

This is the most important ingredient to a successful WLM with an otherwise Alpha submissive …. IMHO. Thank you for excellent comment.


I’m kind of late to the party and trying to catch up as best I can, using “recent comments” as a way to do so. As a Dominant Woman in a WLM I’m finding this little “back-and-forth mutual admiration” somewhat amusing. Alpha submissives, beta submissives, strong submissive men, weak submissive men? Do you really think all that matters? Aren’t you getting lost in the weeds here? Does it make you feel better, or do you think you really ARE any better if you’re a “strong” submissive male as opposed to your own definitions of a “weak” submissive male? The beauty and value of a submissive is in the eye of the beholder.



Thanks so much for your reply DianeJ. I appreciate your candor in challenging these stereotypes that exist down in the weeds. I love your contributions around this place, and I promise, I’m not trying to create a new mutual-admiration thread.

To answer your questions (not sure if they are directed at me or not), No, I personally don’t think I am any “better” or worse because of who I am. Nor do I look down my nose at anyone else that identifies as “weak” or assumes that identity in the context of their respective D/s relationship. We are who we are and we all have our place and hopefully that place is with someone that loves us for who we are, whether D/s or vanilla.

“Alpha submissives, beta submissives, strong submissive men, weak submissive men? Do you really think all that matters?”

It only matters to the Dominant female. In the context of the conversations and comments, like Emma’s:

“You bring up a good point about the man becoming too submissive. I too agree that if a man becomes too submissive then it is inevitable that the woman will lose interest and become unattractive.”

Clearly, like in any vanilla relationship, this always remains true. The characteristics of our spouse/mates are part of what we love about them. If those characteristics change, then problems are likely to ensue. The definition of what too submissive means to the Dominant is surely up to the Dominant. It would a tragic end to a potentially beautiful relationship if either the Dominant failed to communicate what that definition is, or if the submissive failed to communicate with the Dominant about what expected and desired submissive behavior looks like. This WLM/FLR relationship we all live is a beautiful and loving way to go through life, but like any other relationship, needs, wants, desires, likes, dislikes all need to be discovered in each other, and then nurtured.

“The beauty and value of a submissive is in the eye of the beholder.”

Spot on! Clichés are true for a reason. It really is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder in my case is my Wife. At least in my marriage, She has no interest in changing who I am, and who I am outside the dynamic of being her submissive, is Alpha. I’m the rooster and I rule the roost, and she completely and utterly rules the Rooster, kind of thing. For us, she would have it no other way.

Last edited 3 years ago by Emma

I am sorry for the abundance of gibberish. It was supposed to be a picture. I don’t know what happened.


Thank You Ms. Wizard!


I can see both sides of the coin here, both the desire for the man to classify themselves as being an alpha submissive (which appears to preserve some of their masculinity) and the fact that a man is either submissive or not (no scale of submissiveness).

To me it’s about me knowing that I am the dominant one in the relationship. How far I exert that dominance is up to me and the limits of my husband. I’ve never bothered to think about putting a category on it, although he would classify himself as an alpha/strong submissive. That’s fine by me if he wants to do that as it has absolutely no impact on our dynamic at all.

And in the same vein whilst I’m dominant in the relationship, I have no interest in putting a label on it. I don’t describe myself as a ‘Domme’ or ‘Mistress’ or ‘Cuckoldress’ or any combination of those.


To me it’s about me knowing that I am the dominant one in the relationship. How far I exert that dominance is up to me and the limits of my husband.”

Incredibly well said and I completely agree. You’ve summed it up nicely. Nothing else matters. Thank you


such an amazing post! love it


As far as avoiding the slippery slope, I recently asked myself this question, and cut back on visual consumption of FLR and Femdom content. Porn loses its fun when caged, but I still find it stimulating to read erotica and websites like this. Some FLR sites go pretty far down the rabbit hole, and the more you expose yourself to that content in the absence of your partner it creates a mental sexual divide between you and your partner and makes extreme things like cuckolding seem OK and a healthy fantasy. The key to being less submissive is empowerment. I find empowerment in my job, the sports I play, my hobbies, and my wife’s love. I still love to submit to my wife, but for me that doesn’t have to be on the receiving end of riding crop. I can submit to my wife in a smile, a caress, a hug, and even just asking about her day. I guess my submission is more about empowering her and building her up rather than me submitting and being less.

All of the emotional needs you listed from a relationship are not unique to you or even females. I think both men and women all need these from our spouse, but men also have more of a biological need for sex and ejaculations. Retaining has taught me that I can have better ejaculations and improve my life and my marriage by reducing them. I do hope your blog does make this aspect a bit more mainstream. Although a cock cage is so tied to BDSM in porn and media I doubt that will change. I hate to come out and say it, but I do think you are playing with fire, which may be why I find it so fascinating to read. My reluctance is around the mind games of D/S and the punishment. Women have been manipulating men with the male sex drive since the beginning of time, and I see it in every marriage even the ones I consider the most healthy. I just don’t know any healthy long term relationships where punishment and mind games were part of it. I am really curious to get Kevin’s input on your relationship. At the end of the day we are all different and if you are both happy with this level of FLR then who am I to say it is wrong, go for it, smack that ass and pound it!


Hi Emma, I realize now that my post had some judgmental comments and I hope I did not offend you. It was simply an old man’s opinion. Can you elaborate on your response more? When you mean formalize, do you mean with a written agreement?


I was grateful for this recent flurry of comments on this blog post from last year as they brought me back for a reread and a re-think. I found myself thinking about how it is sometimes so difficult to depart from the struggle to define ourselves in contrast to stereotypes that are set out there for us (to bump into or stumble over), at once distancing from and at the same time giving power to those stereotypes. I think that this goes for dominants and submissives, those into this lifestyle and those on the sidelines, men and women, parents and children. And then I came across this post recently. It doesn’t really relate to this sentiment as much as it steers clear of the problematic I am alluding to. It does so by being affirming and positive. It is written by Stacy Yang:

A Love Letter to Submissive Men
I truly adore submissive men. My attitude towards them operates from a more “gentle” perspective. Instead of belittling or degrading submissive men, I prefer to praise and celebrate them for their submissiveness. For example – there are many different kinks out there, such as cuckolding, feminization/sissification, and chastity, and they are often tied to humiliation, degradation, and so forth. And there is truly nothing wrong with that for those who enjoy it, consensually, and whatnot. But personally…I enjoy approaching such things from a different, more positive and affirming angle…because men who truly, consensually enjoy those things greatly impress me.
To the men who are strong enough to be vulnerable and submit to others;
To the men who are secure and generous enough to share their partner;
To the men who thoughtfully offer their service and bodies to others, to please their partner;
To the men who make the sacrifice of being locked in chastity or refraining from sex for any period of time;
To the men who are so reverent of femininity and proudly wear delicate lingerie…
Please understand that you are exquisite human beings. In my opinion, there is nothing pathetic about adding to or improving someone else’s quality of life by way of your sweetly offered submission. You men truly empower your partners and because of that, you are absolute treasures.comment image


The million dollar question, where do you find a true sub? As a dominant woman I have been looking for my sub for years, and it is very difficult to find. Many are switchs, others have crazy fantasies created by femdom porn or the usual practice of professional dominas. The thing that every time I find one between 30 and 40 years old, they suddenly stop writing or disappear.
Many say they are submissive, because they have a particular fetish, and they have been asking you to do such a thing, or something else.

And for those who think otherwise, I am a beautiful woman, I arouse interest in vanilla men. But the market for submissive men is limited, and very difficult to find.

What do you think? Please leave a comment.x