In your relationship, one of you likely keeps track of the sex calendar. You know what I mean, the formal or informal calendar that lists the last time you had sex and how many days it has been since you’ve had sex. This is part of the sex barter system where one partner uses time as a way to guilt the other partner into fulfilling their relationship duties. For the partner on the receiving end, this doesn’t create a very satisfying sexual relationship. It does create resentment, and make sex far less likely to be enjoyable.
When you’ve got your man locked, he may find it important to count the amount of days that he has been locked but it becomes work when he is also counting how many days it has been since you have been coital together. Many couples use chastity to help align mismatched sexual desires and it works fantastically for that purpose. Eliminating the counting is a great way to help focus on aligning mutual needs and desires rather than resorting to sex to temporarily resolve feelings of obligation and guilt.
I’d encourage both of you to stop focusing on the number of days and split lovemaking into many different forms. Sex can be full sex, oral sex, oral, sexual teasing, pegging and so much more. For me, sexual play and teasing can be vastly more enjoyable than sex itself especially when it leaves him sexually charged and eager to please. From a strictly teasing standpoint, you are better off doing five minutes per day than thirty minutes per week because it keeps his body in a constant state of mental and physical arousal with very little opportunity to become discouraged.
Imagine if your man has been locked up tightly and hasn’t been permitted an ejaculation for five days. Now imagine unlocking him and asking him to place his penis inside you while you masturbate to orgasm. If he moves, thrusts or so much as quivers, all you need to say is one word, the session ends and he is to lock himself back up. This will also help condition him to respond better to instructions that you’ve been implementing throughout your relationship, especially while having sex.
Sex feels wonderful for me but the best part is at the very beginning, feeling stretched and full as he enters, then the first couple thrusts as my body adjusts to having him inside me. Focusing on the sensation of him filling me, the chills down my spine. Then the rest is a race to have an orgasm before I get sore and need to stop. A race for an orgasm that I may not even want or need every night. I challenged myself to microdose sex for a week. Microdosing sex involves very small amounts of daily sex to experience the pleasure that is most enjoyable for you. For example, if you are thirsty you may fill an entire glass of water but you will only drink until your thirst is quenched. With sex, try just having sex until you’ve gotten what you need from it, then stop and redirect to something else. If you are just looking for some quick penetration from him, do that and then use your vibrator to finish if you choose. We aren’t talking about a quickie here, we are talking about taking the best ten percent of a quickie and running with it.
Do you enjoy the foreplay of getting him aroused but don’t really want it to progress beyond that every night? Sometimes the right amount of foreplay can get you in the mood but sometimes you just aren’t feeling it. Unlock him, do some foreplay. If you are feeling it, proceed until you’ve had enough. If you aren’t feeling it, say the word and he goes back under the control of your key.
If you know that penetration isn’t going to be in the cards, leave him locked. No sense with taking your toys out of their box if you aren’t going to be playing with them. If you want to be extra cruel, switch his cage to one with spikes. Watching him dive in to the teasing and back off repeatedly can be great fun. Each time he backs off, make sure you ask him what is wrong. This is so much fun since you can see the inner struggle in your poor fella. The spiked cage can be lots of fun if you have sexy lingerie and offer him a strip tease as a reward or just as part of your daily teasing.
Your man doth protest because he is wired differently but as you read more of my site you will see just how powerful it can be to leave him in a constant state of tease and want. His reaction when he goes back into his cage after three strokes and/or ten minutes of foreplay is priceless. This really just equates to turning up the volume on your teasing regimen. The intention here is also to take away the sex calendar by blurring the lines of what exactly sex is. In my opinion, sex is every interaction that you have that causes one or both of you to become aroused. If he lives in a near-permanent state of arousal, his body is producing hormones constantly which will keep him absolutely infatuated with you and the ground you walk on.
So. Get rid of the sex calendar or at least don’t worry about adhering to it. Have frequent sex and tease him regularly, use very brief sex and teasing sessions as rewards for his good days and to keep you both feeling a heightened level of closeness and connectedness. Don’t feel like you need to “endure” the parts of sex that you don’t enjoy. Take control of your sex life and do the things that make you feel good so you can start embracing and loving your sexuality again.
In our relationship, I’m required to keep track of how long I’m locked, how long since my last full release, and how long until I am scheduled for another (as I’m on a once/month allowable schedule). But that’s only to keep track of my releases. As far as other sex, we don’t keep records. Sometimes she doesn’t let me out of the cage at all, and teases my nipples and caged parts. When she does let me out, she often teases me to the brink before telling me “that’s all for tonight”. She generally lets me lick her or make love to her (without my release) if she wants that – she gets to decide. Sometimes, she just prefers to frustrate me and enjoys my “suffering”. You are right that being regularly teased is a powerful state – it’s like nothing else. I love to please her in whatever way she wishes, and T&D makes those feelings even more powerful. She enjoys the total control of my release and pleasure, and gets what she wants, when she wants it – on her schedule. I’m just the record keeper.
I used to be adamant that he kept records and I even created a sex schedule that we adhered to religiously but we are trying a different approach. I think that you will find some of my blogs contradict themselves as we continue to learn and evolve our understanding. Thanks for going on this journey with us and contributing to the site.
I think I’m the schedule keeper only as I’m trying to demonstrate compliance with her wishes. But like you, we change things around at her whim. So, while I’m allowed (or can ask for) only one release per month, if she chooses to give me others, that is again, up to her. While she gets plenty of oral and PIV sex without my release, she does like to reward me at various random times & she does enjoy me finishing inside her (and the cleanup after wards). I think change and adaptation is good; sometimes it’s due to necessity, other times just because. When we had lots of travel recently, we went completely off plan, uncaged, and she gave me many more releases. But of course, now we’re done traveling and back on the schedule, so to speak.
And you’re welcome for any contributions. I appreciate you hosting this site and the conversations.
Definitely agree. Unless it’s for health or work reasons, adding the pressure of schedules is typically counter-productive. And while there’s something to be said about establishing a habit, that doesn’t mean you have to do THIS THING FOR EXACTLY 30 MINUTES EVERY DAY. A habit can be as simple as engaging for a few minutes in a sexy way most days of the week. Maybe it’s a little verbal teasing or, as you say, short length of penetration (pun intended) and then ceasing. You’re with someone to be together and share in life’s journey. And I would assume the majority of men interested in chastity are enjoying the control as much as any particular sexual activity.
What really works for me is knowing she’s serious about what she wants at that time. Lots of frustrating fun to be sure.
You made me realize how much I am keeping records, even though I am not required to do so. I have a chastity tag in my google agenda, and I make a record of all the events from beginning to end. I also write sex events, by specifying O2=we both had an orgasm, O1=KH has orgasm but not me.
I am not in control, and there is no sex schedule ahead. I just feel the need to track everything, as maybe it gives me the impression of control? I know it is silly, but I think it is a men’s thing.
I challenge you to stop keeping records. She holds your key. Your awareness of duration does nothing but take from her control. What do you hope to do with your record keeping? Hold the prolonged lockup period over her head?
She alone should control your lockup period otherwise you are expressing a distrust for her judgement and therefore not putting your trust in her to control this aspect of your life.
Give her control, unless requested to do so by her, don’t keep records, don’t be resentful of the lockup period, Allow her to help you be the best version of you.
I do not share the log with her, nor I talk about. I guess I use it only for myself, knowing how long it has been since my last release? It does help me to count the days. In some chastity forum (it’s a French forum), many guys would put a note *locked since* in their signature as some kind of a male ego pride. My personal record is of 44 days without release, but I no longer have the desire to pursue record after record.
My KH and I, we have discussed chastity/release limits recently, and we are trying to readjust the pace. She wanted to push my limits for this year to achieve 60 days (Locktober + NoNutsNovember) as I failed last time. I only wanted a maximum of 15 days, but she decided for a 30 days maximum but twice a year. So I must do Locktober and the international chastity day of Jan 15th, leads to one month prior to Valentine’s day. It was not really a negotiation, she has the final word.
But you are right, there is no value in keeping records. Do you have agreed limits with your partner?
Would you consider adding to the forum with your experience of extended lockup periods? Your record of 44 days intrigued me. I would be interested in learning how that experience was for you.
https://www.evolvingyourman.com/community/everything-else/how-long-have-you-been-locked-up/
This has been an interesting series of comments. In my case, I keep track of how long I’m locked because I’m curious how long she does it for, as well as the fact that her goal for me this year is to be locked more than free. So far, we’ve never been able to get beyond 7 days or so due to personal or professional restrictions or interruptions to my caged time. For example, business travel. Or a doctors appt. I think we’re both trying to see what happens with longer lock ups. I don’t see this as me controlling her really, but perhaps I’m only seeing my point of view.
I record my allowed monthly orgasm as she asked me to but also so we know how long I have to wait for the next. I think she enjoys knowing it’s 2-3 weeks away or something similar (even if I am not caged my releases are limited).
Perhaps you are right that I should just not keep any records. Perhaps I’ll ask her what she prefers. She may not see it the same way you do, which of course is all fine. KH’s get to do it however they wish!