This isn’t going to be an article about the twisted underworld of chastity, this is about feelings. This is about ensuring that the feelings that you are hoping to enforce with chastity are the ones that you get. If done improperly, chastity can bring feelings of resentment, distrust and anger when that is the opposite reason that you brought it into your life. Chastity is a huge mind fuck and is capable of bringing up some pretty intense emotions but my intent is to help you get positive a outcome when you put the ol’ hubby on lockdown.
I’ve received a couple emails from couples where it simply wasn’t working. The only results the woman is seeing is an angry, upset man who doesn’t want to play this game anymore. Chores are begrudgingly completed, massages happen but he is clearly unhappy and neither of them is seeing the result that she expected. Things just aren’t working. So what went wrong?
When done properly, woman cages man, man whines, woman teases, man whines more, woman teases man, man cries and begs to have his cage removed, woman determines that the man’s had enough and allows him a release. Rinse, repeat for as long as you both want chastity to continue. Time doesn’t really matter as long as the teasing is frequent and merciless. The frustration that he feels is intense, so intense that he actually gets a euphoric high from the frustration and desperate lack of control. That high is turned around and focused on you which makes the game oh so much fun to play. You feel confident, powerful and are truly in control. That is how things are supposed to work.
All too often, the woman thinks that the cage is the magic here but it isn’t! The magic is you. The cage simply forces him to redirect his sexual energy toward you instead of allowing it to escape the tip of his weenie when he jerks off. If you want to ruin the experience for both of you, lock him up and leave him. This gives him time to stew and to regret this little game. The secret is constant and frequent teasing to keep his focus directed at you and to keep him constantly yearning to please you with massages, oral sex and household tasks. Not only should you take advantage of his desire to please but you should expect and demand it as a condition of your role in his orgasm control.
I don’t have time to tease him!
Then make him do some of the chores that were taking up your time. Now you have time to tease him. You will be shocked at the amount of time a properly motivated man can find.
Teasing takes so long.
Check out my article on teasing, you can spend as little or as much time on teasing as you want. Only have 30 seconds a day? No problem. 5 minutes a day? No problem.
How can I tease him if I can’t take the cage off?
You can and you should. As often as you want really. Some ladies take the cage off every night. Some don’t even use a cage, they just trust that he will not masturbate. The only restriction to keep the magic going is to prevent him from cumming. Anything short of that will keep this exciting game going as long as you decide it should go.
I unlocked him for a day, now what?
The reward isn’t unlocking him. The reward is your teasing and your attention. The cage is only there to intensify your power and direct his attention on you by redirecting his constant arousal. I wouldn’t recommend unlocking him for a day, only unlock him overnight or when you can supervise cleanings for him. I don’t even unlock mine for cleaning, he takes a regular shower and then I unlock him and use a warm washcloth to clean him after his shower. He always thinks it is going to turn into more but it never does. If you unlock him while he isn’t supervised, you are just asking for an accident that will reset your counter back to day zero. Don’t set him up for failure, set him up for success. You want him to succeed at being locked and desperate for you.
I’m not wired that way, I don’t know what to do.
I’ve got plenty of examples on my two teasing pages below and you can always talk with any of your friends that practice chastity. Come up with creative new ideas to push your men to the next level of submission and frustration. If you come up with any good ideas, share them with us. It really doesn’t take much.
I don’t really care enough. I’m only doing this for him.
Then don’t. You are probably going to cause more harm to your relationship than good if you humor him with a half-effort. Wait until you decide that you want to play or just tell him that chastity isn’t something that you are interested in. I can assure you that, when played correctly – this will be relationship magic. Putting a lock on his penis does seem a little bit weird so it might take some time to come to terms with it. Once you are comfortable enough to play along, you won’t look back.
Why can’t he just control his own masturbation habit?
Maybe he can. Maybe he prefers to have you control it so it is out of his hands. If he does have a high level of self control, try using the honor system and save the money and effort of a cage. If he is strong enough to abide by your rules without the use of a cage, by all means. Go for it. Be prepared though, most guys will inevitably have an “accident” when their daily tugging goes a bit too far. There is something psychologically glorious about having a key around my neck. It is a symbol of our little game and I love flaunting it. His reactions are priceless since merely playing with the key is a huge tease.
He already works long hours to support the family.
All the more reason to show him that his submission to you in the area of your finances is appreciated. Ensure that he is doing his share around the house despite the long hours at work. Bring that into your teasing play and use it. As I mentioned before, you’ve got to make time for frequent teasing. If you need more time, just make him do one of your tasks so you will have time to work on his dedication to you. You’ve got the means to ensure that he does it, and likes it. You will be amazed how much time magically appears when he is properly motivated.
Getting him into his denied state usually takes 2-3 days but it can take more or less time depending on the man and his chastity experience. If you lock him up more frequently, his body and mind will know what to expect and get him there more quickly. Many guys slip back into that head space within a day if they are frequently locked. Your goal is to use teasing to keep his mindset working to please you. Frequent teasing will make him feel wanted and desired despite being locked. He trusts you and will trust that you will do what is best for him.
You want him to have a positive outlook on his lockup and realize that everything he does is to please you. It won’t take long and frequent rewards of teasing will ensure that he stays there. Chastity is a gift that you are giving to him and not a punishment, treat it as such and ensure that it makes your life easier and more fulfilling. As backwards as it might seem, the reward and “goal” of chastity isn’t the eventual release at the end of his lockup, it’s the high that he feels from the continual teasing and denial. Just let that sink in for a moment and consider how that changes your outlook on how to keep him motivated. The reward isn’t in the destination, it is in the journey.
The other side of the coin is the rewards that you can expect to receive for yourself. I’ve noticed a higher level of confidence, a better body image and as a result, I am much more comfortable being overtly sexual and demanding with him. This spills over into other parts of my life and frankly, things just seem to get easier as time goes on.
Remember that you should not allow bargaining, this reduces your authority and increases his power. If you say that he should do something, that is what he should do. If he tries to bargain with you, take privileges away or use a punishment of some kind until the bargaining stops.
While on the topic of punishment, it is vital that you don’t use punishment to motivate him to stay locked. You want to use positive motivation with this aspect of your relationship, I cover spanking and other punishments elsewhere on the site but those should be reserved for outright defiance, lies or broken promise. You can allow him to go without the cage as a reward but if you do this, you must be careful to not make it seem like the cage is a punishment.
Keeping him locked and properly motivated works best with positive reinforcement. Reward him with things that you can both enjoy while he is locked. Need daily oral sex? Want to peg him? Want massages? All of these things and more can be yours with the magic of chastity. I proudly wear his key around my neck because I am in awe of the changes that this one simple change has made in all aspects of our relationship.
If you know someone struggling with their chastity journey, share this article using the share link on the right side. Don’t worry, you can do it anonymously if you wish.
Above all, have fun with it! If you aren’t having fun with it, neither will he. You won’t see the results that you are looking for and you will email me to tell me that it isn’t working. In turn, I will point you back to this blog. 🙂
Once again Emma you nailed it. Great post! My girlfriend and I struggled initially, but it was more around finding a device that didn’t turn my balls blue or result in ball slip. Once we found a happy medium between the two the rest of the dynamic just fell into place. I did find that when we reached a new lockup goal she would express how proud of me she was. Hearing those simple words was and still is a big motivator for me.
Your balls should be emotionally blue but not physically blue <3
Thanks for the feedback.
My husband found chastity extremely difficult to get used to. His emotions used to begin with polite requests for release, burning resentment, whining to angry outbursts. I was steadfast and firm that he would remain locked till I decide and the date and time is entirely at my discretion and with no prior notice to him. His mood swings would culminate in crying and begging me on his knees . I used to then cuddle and caress him allowing him to nurse at my breasts telling him that he must learn to live locked till I decide other wise. Over time he has learnt that no matter how and what he says or does , I decide.
He knows that I love him, and keep him aroused and excited but his pleasure and desire should be focussed upon me.
I am pleased to report that now he has almost ( its never hundred percent!); reconciled and cheerfully accepted his situation. He does know that I will always comfort him and often begs me to allow him nurse at my breasts when he is overwhelmed and close to tears.
I can now release, tease and lock him up without allowing him to come and there is no protest. He has also learnt to eat his cum, often licking it off my feet or fed by my hands.
We are a happy couple, who share chores and there is element of bdsm in our life. However when it comes to our sexual life, I call the shots. My husband is always kept aroused and anticipating his next release not knowing the frequency, place, time and occasion. It keeps him focussed and alert upon me.
Just want to share with readers that we can control our men, without corporal punishment or slavery. However firm resolve is a MUST. A wife must also know how to comfort her man when he is near breaking point.
Wonderful comment and insight Asha! This will only get more mainstream when more people see that male chastity can stand on its own without corporal punishment or kink, and truly fulfill both sides in a marriage. I am sure it is great with those aspects as well, but is certainly not required. This is a journey for both men and women and your man is lucky to have a women with your resolve, perseverance, and nurturing nature. It was and is an emotional roller coaster for me also, but I can’t deny the positive effects on nearly every aspect of my life, my work, my marriage, and my family. I could not be happier with my loving wife managing my release and helping me to be the best I can be. If the journey was not a challenge it would not be worth doing.
i totally agree bill. though tbh i have never been caged i mean my woman sure tamed me good with pegging. first time i was hesitant about it, second time i didnt want it cause the first time at the beginning t hurt and my ass next morning after the first time hurts, but i somehow still found myself in the shower, my hands tied behind my back and her hand pushing my head on the wall and my entire body moving up and down with every bang she puts in me until i was ended with a good ram with my hands pulled behind my back that just broke me good. so you advice me to go for chastity?
Great post, great comments, and spot on by everyone.
It is the teasing and attention that keeps him motivated to please her. And that brings many tangential rewards to both. It’s also her resolve to recognize that the best path is not to “give in”, but to choose when, how, and if he gets time out of the cage, and any orgasms/release.
I think my wife worries that she is being “too mean” to me, as well as she enjoys the feeling of my orgasm inside her. Of course, despite my desire to release, what I really want is her to say no…making love, or being teased, and then locked up without a release is sure to keep me focused on her – and making sure she has plenty of orgasmic pleasures. And the tenderness, closeness, etc is far greater. And the never knowing when…amazing.
When life gets in the way, and I am allowed to “run free”, I miss the cage, and the focus on her. Fortunately, I can get back into the right mindset after only a day or two.
This blog hit the nail on the head. Thank you.
Hi there i hope you dont mind me asking since you are a lady and can give me even a greater perspective on women. what advice or things can i do as a man to surrender to my girl? i had been taken from the back with a strapon so many times and roughly (yes i am ok with it), heck i almost lost consciousness from how good it was, i am considering chastity. what other things can you recommend? and i hope i am not bothering you with that. so sorry if i am.
I wanted to thank you for your insightful, real-world, take on male chastity.
I stumbled across The Dark Side of Chastity quite by accident. I had typed in (chastity painful frustration and denial captions) looking to get my angst fix! I am an admitted angst junkie. I like captioned images, and the nastier the better! I hadn’t clicked on images yet, and your post was the first search result. It caught my eye, so I read the teaser and had to read the rest of your article.
I should give you a little background so you understand why this article was important to my wife and I. I have been married to my wonderful wife for 32 years. We have always been sexually adventurous and very open and honest about our needs and desires. I worship the ground she walks on and have always wanted to please her regardless if there is anything in it for me or not. I get such a high from giving her earth-shattering orgasms I never feel deprived. Even in the early days of our love affair, there was generally a 3 to 1 orgasm ratio, or more!
We have indulged in role-playing since we started dating and have been watching porn together since the hardcore heydays of VHS. Yes, we’re old! With the introduction of the double-edged sword that is the internet, we started finding many new things that excited us and incorporating them into our role-play. About 10 years ago, we started exploring my submissive side and newfound fascination with that twisting pain in my chest: “Angst!” And began adding some Femdom and Hotwife scenarios to our role-play.
(Note; for those who are wondering, my wife had led a very promiscuous life before met. But once we started dating she insisted on, “No third parties,” in our relationship, and she reminds me of that regularly!)
About three years ago, I suggested trying a chastity cage. Now, my wife doesn’t have a mean bone in her body and is not naturally dominant. But she has a degree in psychology with a minor in human sexuality, and to her credit can be a very convincing Dominatrix when she is in the mood! But when it came to using the chastity cage, despite my attempts to explain it, she never really understood my fascination with being locked. She would have me wear the cage during our role-play sessions when it was appropriate, but would never keep me locked more than three days, sighting her need for cock!
My wife fell neatly into your, “He already works long hours,” category. She is retired, and I work 60+ hours, seven days a week. She had always held onto the notion that housework was her domain, and the yard, home, and auto maintenance were mine, even though I regularly vacuum, do laundry, and clean all the high places her 4′ 10″ vertically challenged self can’t.
As I write this comment, locked, it has been eight days since my wife read your article. It was like flipping a switch! She finally understood how to wield the power she has over me. She has kept me locked and teased me relentlessly since her amazing transformation into a domestic goddess and has gotten over her old fashioned notions about housework. She had me put up a dry erase board in the kitchen and made a list of chores and rewards for their completion. She also made a, honey-do list of odd jobs to be completed before she will unlock me.
I have eagerly been doing the daily chores to get my rewards. If I clean and ready the coffee pot for the next morning, she will show me her amazing triple D tits while she plays with her nipples for one minute. If I load and run the dishwasher and then put everything away, I get to fondle and suck her tits for five minutes. I have done the dishes twice so far, and both times she wanted a happy ending too! Win-Win! The yard really didn’t need mowing yesterday, but I couldn’t wait to get that reward. She took a shower with me and let me wash her body, then I gave her a lotion massage with another happy ending.
I only have one complaint about her newfound power. Every time I get to the last job on the honey-do list, more jobs magically appear, and I love her even more!
P.S. We read the linked teasing post, and I got a wonderful angst rush from this passage, (We had two of his friends over to the house a few weeks ago and I leaned over and said “do you realize that with your cage, you are the only man in this house incapable of fucking me?” Love it!
Again, thank you Emma
Hubby77 & Domwife
My husband found chastity extremely difficult to get used to. His emotions used to begin with polite requests for release, burning resentment, whining to angry outbursts. I was steadfast and firm that he would remain locked till I decide and the date and time is entirely at my discretion and with no prior notice to him. His mood swings would culminate in crying and begging me on his knees.
There is an equestrian term for this: It’s called “breaking him” Like a rowdy, undisciplined stallion, your husband (like most males) cannot control sexual urges, masturbation habits formed over several years only reinforces this need to release whenever he wants. Once broken through enforced chastity, men will normally become more meek, respectful and biddable. Afterwards if his dominant woman wants to peg him, only a little matter of fact dialogue on her part will cause him to submit to her wishes, even if he does not really want it. The same can be said of cuckolding, spanking, ruined orgasms, or feminizing him. Though men will all react a little differently, the end result will much the same.