We’ve been trying a mixed bag of things in our relationship and I’ve been diligently documenting things for you all to enjoy. Some things have worked and others haven’t worked as well. Some things are more around the fetish side of things and others are essential to maintaining your feminine power in the relationship. Aside from keeping the balance in your favor, it is important to keep your relationship feeling new and exciting so those feelings of newness never go away.
What Does Not Work
Let me start with what hasn’t worked for us. Negative reinforcement seems to be something that hasn’t given us many positive results. That’s not to say that he shouldn’t receive punishment when things don’t go by the plan. Negative reinforcement tends to create a rift between us that can take a while to repair. I also find it difficult to take it seriously when spanking him but that’s just me. I do flip back into some negative reinforcement things from time to time but I usually just do it to be kinky.
What Does Work
Now let’s get on to what does work. Positive reinforcement has worked wonders. When I give him a reward, I explain what elements contributed to him receiving that reward. That reward could be an orgasm, cuddling, a blowjob any number of things that I know bring him pleasure. If he doesn’t make the right decisions, I let him know that those things won’t be happening and I try to be as specific as possible so there is never a guessing game.
How About Chastity Devices?
You might be asking about chastity devices since that wasn’t in either the positive or negative section. Well, I think the better question is around orgasm control. I feel like the chastity cage is a fantastic way to solve two major problems. The first is his masturbation and release habit. Most men have been masturbating and ejaculating on a daily basis for years before they come into your life. Breaking that habit will take some time and it usually isn’t fair to ask them to do it on their own. I think it is also fair to say that your man has ejaculated at the end of nearly every sexual encounter that he has ever had. His body will be confused when release doesn’t happen after having sex. The cage is a fantastic tool to enable his body to get accustomed to this change in his sexual arousal cycle.
The second benefit to a chastity cage is also related to modifying his behavior. Your man is used to using sex as a bartering tool and even subconsciously trying to barter with you for sex. You aren’t a prostitute and he shouldn’t be treating you like one. The sex barter system is real and it cannot be part of a healthy relationship.
I do think the chastity cage is important in training your man to be able to control himself but I do think that there will come a time when his orgasms have been regulated to a more reasonable frequency that YOU control. His penis is yours and his orgasms should be part of the positive reinforcement. There are many other reasons why chastity devices and orgasm control are essential to the modern relationship. I do love the key and lock as symbolism for our relationship as a whole. The lock symbolizes scarcity and the key symbolizes value.
What About Sex?
We still have sex, quite a bit of sex actually but it is about ME and my needs rather than his selfish needs. I always initiate sex, usually I will roll onto my back, spread my legs and make eye contact with him. He knows to go down on me, although he did make the mistake of asking me if he should unlock himself a few times. Those evenings didn’t go so well for him.
We do use a condom most of the time because we found that it helps sex last longer before he needs to stop to prevent a spill. I really like the way a condom feels so this isn’t a problem for me. He knows to get a condom after licking me to orgasm the first time. It is expected for him to use a condom. If I don’t want to use a condom, I will tell him so. He does grumble about this sometimes and that’s one of the perks.
After I’ve had a few orgasms, (usually 3-4) I will tell him that I’ve had enough. He is usually pretty good about interrupting sex when I tell him to. Sometimes he tries to get an extra thrust or two in but he has been getting better about that. After we uncouple, I’ll go use the restroom and we will cuddle for a while to make us both feel closer. I do really enjoy that cuddling time. He will sometimes unconsciously grind himself against me but few corrective words will stop that. From there, we either fall asleep together or we will roll over and watch TV together. Although I usually hold him or stroke him while watching TV, he is usually too stimulated after having sex so I’ll typically keep my hands on his arms and chest for those evenings.
What About Pegging?
Pegging is amazing and I don’t think that it falls under either positive or negative above. Pegging is simply another type of sexual play that truly opens up barriers of communication and forces you to have a deeper and more exciting level of intimacy. I do use pegging as a reward but no different than I would use a blowjob or PIV sex. Pegging makes me feel entirely different than any other type of sex. Pegging is empowering and pegging makes him feel submissive to me. We have some of our best and most open conversations when we are cuddling after a session of pegging.
The keys are teasing and orgasm control. Teasing him frequently shows him that you are thinking of him in a sexual and loving way. Orgasm control ensures that he retains his essential energy and keeps his hormones running on high.
We are currently on an informal seven day release schedule and that keeps his attention focused on me. We do have some sort of sex frequently but he saves his orgasm for when I allow it. With some slight tweaks to that release schedule, his sexual frustration is quickly harnessed into constructive energy. This ensures that his attention is laser focused on me and my needs. I highly recommend that you maintain sexual control so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.
I really like your approach to this type of relationship. I’ve read a few blogs on this topic, but yours is the only one I’ve never found myself taking issue with at some point, and it’s the one I’ve learned the most from in terms of figuring out where I’d be comfortable with my relationship going.
I think your goal of making sure the relationship remains a partnership, while maintaining and using the man’s sexual frustration to keep the balance of power tipped in the woman’s favour, is perfect. Making sure that one person in the relationship has the power to make a decision when there is a difference of opinions, and to resolve disputes before they even happen, is a huge benefit to both partners and to the relationship itself. You also make a great case that it’s just natural for the woman to be the one who takes the reigns, since that’s basically how relationships work in the beginning before everyone gets comfortable.
I think most men want to be the best partners they can be and to make their partners happy, but it can be hard to motivate ourselves to do that. My partner and I haven’t adopted this style of relationship full-time, but it is happening more and more for us, and when she does take control of my sexual release, and when she uses that to take the lead in our relationship, she gives me the motivation that I need, and it really does make us both happier. When she makes decisions for both of us, when she has me do a chore I would otherwise grumble at, or even when she has me focus only on her pleasure in bed without any attention being given to mine, it doesn’t feel so much that I’m being controlled as it does that I’m making her happy and working for something that I want, which feels good.
I hope that more women, including my partner, will come to see that asserting dominance and exercising some control over their man doesn’t have to be, and isn’t on it’s own, abusive or unfair. On the contrary, if a woman takes the reigns in the relationship, puts an end to petty disagreements, motivates her man to be a better partner, keeps the relationship sexually exciting, and keeps both her own interests and his in mind as she does all of this, then she is doing her man a huge favour. If she is willing to take on that extra responsibility, she shouldn’t feel any guilt for giving him a few extra chores so she can relax a bit, having him focus on her pleasure in bed, or even doling out reasonable punishments when he makes her role more difficult. If she is willing to focus on keeping him sexually excited, she shouldn’t feel guilty about expecting him to keep his attention on her and her needs. And she should never feel guilty for keeping him in the state of want that makes the relationship work so well.
I look forward to reading about the new things you have been trying in your relationship. Thanks for all of the effort you put into this website.
very well said.
It must be immensely frustrating (not to mention humiliating) to be pegged and not be able to cum. Does your partner dread these sessions? One can well imagine that he must be quite receptive and open to conversations afterwards, as he must feel helpless and overwhelmed.
We don’t use pegging as a punishment of any kind. We use it as a way to come closer together and establish his submissive side. He doesn’t dread these sessions but he much prefers when we have PIV sex, he is still an excited participant in whatever lovemaking we do. From what he’s communicated to me, helpless and overwhelmed is a good explanation of how he feels. Being on the penetrating end of sex certainly feels different than being on the receiving end for both. I think it is important to feel both sides, if more men could feel the vulnerability of being penetrated I’ll bet they would be much better lovers.
I forgot to send you some links about good man’s manners Emma, that your man and other men can use these acts to express their love,respect and devoution to their Ladies.
23 Behaviors Of A Gentleman That Every Man Should Adopt – A Plus
https://goodmenproject.com › chivalry-is…
Chivalry Is Not Dead – The Good Men …
https://www.washingtonexaminer.com › …
Chivalry: It’s a lady’s job to ensure its survival – Washington Examiner
https://classycolibri.com › of-gentlemen-…
Of gentlemen and chivalry | classy colibri
https://marriagemissions.com › 1…
100 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife HER Way – Marriage Missions International
Another excellent blog entry Emma. I notice that in comments, several men will comment about how frustrating or even humiliating it is (or would be) not to be allowed to cum after sex is over. This sums it up perfectly
“We still have sex, quite a bit of sex actually but it is about ME and my needs rather than his selfish needs. ”
Over my 10 years or so) of the Wife Led Marriage portion of our marriage, I actually have been able to experience an incredible amount of sexual joy by merely being present when my wife has orgasms. In other words, my orgasms are realized with her orgasms …. and our sex life has never been better.
Keep up the excellent work here Emma, and thank you.