Hi everyone. You’ve been hearing about my sex life from Em for some time. I have to admit that I am a bit insecure writing this blog since you all know the inner workings of my relationship. I feel as if I need to make excuses for enjoying the framework that Emma has set around sex in our relationship but the honest truth is that I enjoy it. Our sex life is great. Sex in previous relationships has resulted in resentment, distrust, confusion and even infidelity. In this relationship, sex is free from all of that. Sex today brings me confidence, consistency, and intimacy. Despite the sexual aspect being mostly out of my control, Em regards us are equals. From an outside point of view we probably exert very few signs of our unique relationship. The giveaway might be Em’s key necklace.
Em did catch me off guard when she introduced her methods to me but she has been nothing but upfront about sexual expectations since day one and I really appreciate that. I have a healthy sexual appetite, I like to have sex a few times a week and we are generally matched in that regard. Prior to Em, sex always ended up with an orgasm for me. I hadn’t heard of or considered any other way, really. The first few times we had sex, everything seemed normal, similar to my expectations. The first time that we had sex and she abruptly ended once she was finished, I thought she was joking. How could she make such a wonderful dinner but deny me dessert? With her help, I soon realized that dessert isn’t something that you need every day. When she allows me dessert in moderation, I enjoy it much more. When she rations my dessert, I savor dinner more. Enough of the food metaphor, it is making me hungry.
So you might wonder how it feels to be under lock and key. I like it. I like knowing that she has my best interest at heart and always knows and adjusts for my needs. Don’t get me wrong, orgasms feel wonderful but so does her attention and teasing. Her loving hand touching and reassuring me. Knowing that she is caring for me makes me want to do things for her. It makes me want to make sure that she knows that I appreciate her leadership and direction. Emma called me out on a few things that I was doing such as the sex barter system which I had never heard of.
Previous to meeting Em I did masturbate at least once a day, it was more of a routine than a necessity. I’d masturbate when I woke up if I wasn’t in a rush. Then maybe again in the evening to help me sleep. I always thought that was pretty normal and never gave it much thought. It was there, might as well play with it. I had never considered the self-sabotage that I was doing and the damage that I was doing to previous relationships.
A list of questions was posted on the forum and I’ll be replying to those questions below in a Q&A format. If you have more, I’d be happy to answer, just post them there and Em can give me a list.
What effects have you seen in yourself and your relationship?
I enjoy being in control of myself and my actions and not constantly chasing my next sexual release with my lovely. I enjoy knowing that I cannot control her sexual response and choosing to focus on other things. I am more productive around the house and especially during times when Em isn’t home.
What sacrifices have you had to make? Do any stand out as harder than the others? Do you still struggle with any of them?
I struggle with all of them! This is much easier said than done. Em prescribes me multivitamins with male sexual enhancement/libido boosting properties. Coupled with her frequent teasing, I find it very challenging but I also have learned to channel that energy back into her. It took some time and quite a bit of focus but I feel much better about who I am. I do still find it all quite overwhelming and have taken to running as an outlet for sexual frustration.
Has your relationship structure changed the way you think of yourself?
I feel better about myself and about my relationship. I find it a bit liberating to put someone else in control of my sexual needs. Rather than spend time pursuing sex, I am able to refocus on things that are within my control.
Has it changed the way you think of Emma?
It has. When we met, I saw Em as a friend and source of sexual pleasure once I conquered her. Despite the fact that she is a couple of years younger than me, I see her as an older, wiser figure of authority. In the sexual aspect, she tells me what I need and when I need it. In retrospect, she seems to have conquered me and I am much happier for it.
Did you struggle with being yourself when Emma took charge of the relationship? Were you able to move past that? How?
This was all very new to me, my first relationship with a more dominant woman. My previous girlfriend was a traditionally submissive Japanese girl. They say you go from one opposite to another and I guess maybe I did. As Em took charge, it never really felt like she was taking charge. As time went on, she was just in control of more and more things. A few times I stopped and realized the changes and for a brief while, I was resentful, confused, alarmed but we talked about it. Lots of conversations later, I’ve learned to really understand that she has nothing but our best interest at heart. I’ve relaxed my mind and let my guard down enough to enjoy the ride.
Do you ever have times when you get too upset or frustrated and want to say that you won’t do this anymore? How do you deal with those times?
I am not an angry person but I did struggle with the cage. Had a couple of what can best be described as tantrums. I went to bed crying a few times from the sheer frustration and my need for sexual release. She was very clear about this being a term of our relationship. If I didn’t learn to adjust, we were simply over. I do care for her and although confusing, I knew that she was coming from a good place. Her open communication was key to me buying into her methods. As I read through this site, many of our conversations seem to be recited word for word in her blogs. As I mentioned previously, I run when I am frustrated and I don’t know if the runner’s high is a replacement for the orgasm but it is able to channel my desire and allow me to focus on other things. It also helps me stay in shape. One thing that really helps is when Em holds my penis (or cage, previously) while she is talking to me or we are just lounging around. In addition to giving her my complete attention, it helps remind me that she cares for me and understands what I am going through for her.
Knowing what you know today, would you choose this now, even if Emma didn’t require it? If yes, how long did it take you to switch from going along with it to buying into it?
Knowing what I know today, I LOVE it. There are very clear expectations and the communication is great. I will say that there was a very rough road to getting here. Had I known what awaited me on the other side, I should have embraced it from the beginning. We did quite a bit of experimenting and I did not like the spankings. At all. Pegging was a challenge as well but I’ve come to enjoy the closeness that it permits.
Are there any changes you would make to how the relationship is managed while keeping the same structure?
I think Em is probably going to continue experimenting and I will continue to be her loving participant as she continues to help bring our relationship to the next level.
If things ever looked like they were starting to cross a line for you, do you feel that you would be able to stop that from happening without harming the relationship?
Em is very clear about many of the things in our relationships being non-negotiable. If a line was going to be crossed, I would need to weigh the importance of the relationship against the line that was being crossed. The relationship and Em are very important to me so it would need to be a pretty hard line. Between pegging and spanking, I’ve already crossed quite a few lines and I am proud of myself for being able to stick with it. I think it is hopefully a testament to my commitment to Em.
Do you think you were somehow predisposed to accepting the changes Emma wanted to make, or do you think the way she went about it would work on most guys?
I’d like to think I am special or that I am unique but I feel like these relationship guidelines would improve relationships for anyone that is willing to accept it. It was a very cut and dry “my way or the highway” approach that she took and it left no room for negotiation. Lots of conversation but no compromise or negotiation about what she wants. Em is very much in control of her life, her career and her relationship goals. I don’t know if it would have better or worse if the terms of our relationship had been open to negotiation. I probably would have tried to talk her out of it and frustrated us both.
Is it easier to maintain the lifestyle using the cage or the honor system?
This one is difficult to answer. We used the cage as a training tool for over a year before we tried to go without. I found it to be very confining, frustrating but also addicting. The cage is easier than the honor system in many ways because it quite literally prevents you from getting an erection or ejaculating. The anti-pullout device that she fitted to the cage really helped ensure that removal was not an option. If the device could easily be defeated, I don’t know if I would have been able to stick with it as closely. The cage does leave you in a constant state of semi arousal, it is like Em’s hand is on me non-stop and that I can never forget the cage is there. As weird as this sounds, the honor system made me yearn for the cage and for that constant state of semi-arousal. The honor system is also new for me but I feel like I am doing well with it. She told me that the cage would be permanent so I never saw it as a temporary thing or even a punishment. I just accepted it and tried to do my best with it. Going back to the cage now would probably feel like a punishment.
What do you think is the most important thing for Emma to keep in mind if she wants to make sure you stay willing to stick with this style of relationship? Assuming that you also want to stick with it, what do you think is the most important thing for you to keep in mind?
I’ve learned to love her leadership and the nightly sexual teasing keeps me on the hook. The frustration and hormonal high of incredible sex (she is incredible!) and going to bed without cumming is indescribable. Sex without the possibility of orgasm is incredibly addictive. The constant teasing and attention can’t be understated. I know that I would have grown resentful and frustrated if she hadn’t shown me continuous attention throughout all of the phases of our relationship.
Is there anything else you think couples should know or think about before trying this?
Expect a bumpy ride but the stronger and stricter she is, the quicker your mind will adopt this lifestyle as your new normal. Once you accept it as normal, you can start making the emotional changes required to put her first. Soon you start loving her happiness as much as your own and truly feel a level of comfort and submission. Ladies, he will truly be struggling and the more direct and matter of fact you are, the easier this will be for him. All love. No compromise.
Hopefully, that gave a good introduction into where I am coming from. If you have any more questions, please leave them in the forum so I can perhaps do a followup. Until then. Cheers. ?
This post is continued in part 2.