Life needs to be exciting to keep us interested, we are sexual beings and we need to be challenged sexually just as we do with our relationships. If we don’t endure conflict or challenges in our relationships, they will grow stale and boring. We will slowly grow apart from our partner and we will seek challenge and excitement elsewhere.
Pushing your partner’s boundaries is exploring with your partner is essential to keeping a ten, twenty or thirty year relationship feeling fresh and new. Before you met him, you had some sexual experiences that framed the things that you found sexually exciting. Using that framework, you established the general sexual ground rules for this relationship. Have you revisited the rules that you framed in your early sexual exploration? If you decided that you didn’t like butt stuff back in college, have you revisited it since you’ve been married? I encourage you to push each other’s boundaries to keep having new experiences, together.
How can you push boundaries in a relationship?
- Watch porn together
- Read erotic fiction together
- Kiss a member of the same sex (if you are straight) or opposite sex (if you are gay)
- Have sex in a public place
- Visit a strip club
- Use a vibrator with your partner
- Have your partner use a vibrator on you
- Explore your partner’s anus with your fingers… or mouth.
- Have anal sex with her… or him
- Have a threesome with someone of the same sex
- Have a threesome with someone of the opposite sex
- Watch an orgy
- Have an orgy
- Dominate your partner
- Spank your partner
- Use restraints or chastity with your partner
- Use a blindfold
- Wear sexy lingerie or a costume
- Try a love swing
- Try a strap on
You get the idea. Try something different! If you do the same exact thing every time, your sexual relationship is bound to get stale. If you are both open to something new, it will keep things fresh and exciting. Rule number one is communicate. I can’t stress this enough. Talk about your fantasies, talk about your concerns. Talk about your desires. If something isn’t working for either of you stop and try something else.
Have you ever considered a quiz site like mojoupgrade or bdsmtest? These sites are good conversation starters but no replacement for good old fashioned communication.
Have a playful attitude about sex and make sure that you keep sex light and fun. Sex is about bringing a couple closer together and keeping the relationship fresh and fun.
As I mentioned above, communication is the absolute key. Some partners are more dominant, some are more submissive but you need to both be strong about communicating. Try some open ended statements such as:
- My favorite thing about our sex life is
- If think you look best when you are wearing
- My favorite intimate memory with you is
- My favorite way to pleasure you is
- I feel most turned on when
- One time you surprised me in a good way by
- I love when you initiate sex in this way
- My favorite sexual position is
- One thing I would like to explore with you is
- The part of your body that turns me on the most is
I get so many messages from guys and gals who are afraid to communicate about some of these very intimate topics with their partner. If you want to truly connect with your partner, start with something very simple and push the conversation before you ever push activities in the bedroom. You will find that a little conversation goes a long way and you just may find out that you share some common fantasies. Enjoy!
What you write is so true, and as a couple who didn’t communicate sexually for thirty years, I look back on that missed opportunity with regret for not grasping the nettle sooner.
We love each other deeply but both have trouble communicating our personal feelings – doubly frustrating if, like me, one has a few kinks/fetishes that are just buried away. In particular I, though a sexual submissive, was expected to, and did for decades, take the lead in lovemaking
I took the first step, with huge trepidation, three years ago, in the knowledge that I was much less vanilla than my wife. It’s been, and still is, a rollercoaster ride since then. Things are still evolving but we talk much more openly these days and it’s far, far better.
A comment from me would be to keep working on boundaries but be aware of, and sensitive to, your SO’s hard limits (as well as your own). Bringing a third party (for instance) into the relationship would cross that for both of us.