The following is an insightful piece written by Tumbelina, a chastity advocate. I wanted to share it with you all since the article seemed to resonate with my feelings and observations about chastity and orgasm control. I don’t have a way to get in touch with the author but I’d be happy to provide further credit if she wishes.
The funny thing is that the sight of a cock lock and the idea of male chastity, would make even the most open minded vanilla person cringe. Most view this concept as a twisted fetish, very one sided by way of benefits for a woman, and as being cruel to endure on a man’s part.
However, what many fail to see is that Mother Nature by default causes an imbalance in relationships between a man and a woman. Women are at a disadvantage, and by design the male sex libido prevents a man from fully investing in a relationship to the extent a woman does. He is unable to do so, because he requires a part of himself to be reserved for his own sexual needs and his impulsive self gratification cycle. This cycle in itself, comes with chemical changes in the body, of which cause a diminished level of investment on his part.
If more vanilla people knew this, women would be running out and buying cock locks like they did back when they lost their minds over 50 Shades of Grey. Vanilla men don’t want women to catch on to this, as their relationships would cause them to divorce their dicks or risk divorcing their wives.
How does a chastity husband benefit an everyday normal relationship outside of the bedroom? The biggest benefit is the side effects and resulting symptoms of abstinence from masturbation, that lend themselves as positives to the relationship. Men may not see these as positive benefits, but the fact that it provides for true will power and it refines a man’s behavioral psyche…
You see, the process of masturbation involves a mental compulsion, that prompts a physical sexual impulsiveness… It’s actually a very primal behavior and equivalent to the level of an animalistic mentality. Altering the course of this cycle produces more refined and sophisticated human behaviors. It allows for a transferring of resources to the emotional part of the brain, and it prompts a man to seek out fulfillment on a deeper level. It essentially bypasses the dick drain distraction, and allows for the brain to become more aware of its surroundings. It’s almost like turning down the blaring stereo music, and finally realizing that hey ‘listen, I hear birds chirping outside!’… A sound that went unrecognized when the self serving dick rock concert played on infinite repeat lol…
The biggest benefactor that not many people realize?
Male masturbation creates an emotional barrier in relationships and allows a man to remain somewhat disconnected in a very self sufficient and self serving way. Chastity helps remove this barrier and causes a man to have a deeply rooted dependency for his spouse. With masturbation, a man’s emotional offerings are at a level that’s considered sufficient for a male, but insufficient on a female level. Chastity ups a man’s offerings to the level a female requires in order to feel ultimate fulfillment. The very reason why women are known as naggers, always wanting more… ‘It’s never good enough’ is because of the masturbation barrier… If this was not a factor, women would not be associated with these undesirable traits because we’d be much more content. Women wouldn’t feel the need to ‘fight for their food’ and look to secure their emotional meals.
These female feedings do not exclude sex! Chastity forces a man to become truly invested in her pleasures. Men are naturally known to be pleasers in bed… Many men I’ve known have had the mentality ‘I’ll make you come and when you’re done I’ll come’… That’s a considerate male… At best… Understand that this mentality is STILL SELF SERVING on a man’s part! He requires this to stroke his ego. A man needs to feel as though he’s taken care of business, and then gotten his too by getting physical gratification. Once again, it’s double feedings for his needs, and most often she’s faking the orgasms to help stroke him even more. Our emotional ego is tied into our sexual one, whether we’re having sex or saying ‘I love you’ our core needs are being nurtured. This is why a woman is at a disadvantage as she loses out overall.
Masturbation in a relationship is selfish and self serving on a man’s part… Chastity allows for balance and is a selfless act that a man should be willing to embrace if he truly loves his spouse and wants her to find ultimate fulfillment and happiness. When it comes to a woman’s emotional needs, her cup is never full if masturbation is a factor. Chastity increases a man’s tolerance and it neutralizes his male aggressiveness… It also satisfies a woman to the extent that it neutralizes her excessive needs and the feeling that she has to chase down her emotional and sexual meals… There would be a lot more successful relationships and happier couples if the masturbation barrier didn’t exist.
Think about this for a moment…
Sex means the most to a man (as it ties to his emotional ego) and emotional fulfillment means the most to a woman (as it ties to her sexuality) … As a man, Imagine what it would be like if your sex life lacked fulfillment? Your spouse could never quite deliver the quality of sex that makes you feel content… And it was always just ok and sufficient cause there’s no other option… But deep down you know it could be better? This is the exact situation a woman encounters in a relationship, when it comes to her emotional needs. Her emotional fulfillment threshold is at a female level, yet his offerings are limited to the male threshold that he himself finds sufficient… And it’s due to the energy he must reserve for the personal relationship he has with his penis. Men always have this expectation that it’s a woman’s duty to deliver the goods and take care of a man’s needs, if she expects him to stay invested and not stray… Yet a woman is expected to stay equally invested regardless of the level of emotional fulfillment….
He still gets to have his self serving sexual gratification cycle on the side and offer only the left over energy and resources available… While she remains fully invested at all times. The reality is even if a woman engages in masturbation, it does not have the same chemical effects to her female brain and body, and she is able to maintain full investment in the relationship.
Kind of a double standard don’t you think? If a man has those expectations of a woman, he should be willing to hand over all of his sexual/emotional energy and invest it ALL into the relationship. Lastly, the reason why men are viewed as more independent than women is because they have the ability to fully satisfy their most primary need (being sex) all on their own. The idea that they need not depend on a woman for the one thing they cannot live without.
Women on the other hand, are incapable of serving their most primary need (being emotional) without the help of their male spouse. He holds the key to her ultimate fulfillment, and he also holds the key to his own ultimate fulfillment. This is why men have the upper hand as being the more dominant sex. Yes, women are a male weakness… But it’s a desire not a need. Chastity equalizes that all…. As long as men have access to masturbation, they never truly have both feet invested in a relationship and to the point of dependency. Chastity evens out the playing field and allows for a fair game with no one side having an upper advantage over the other.
In a man’s defense, he cannot be faulted for this… As he himself has no control over the male sex brains compulsions and resulting impulsive behaviors. However, a man does have control over the choices he makes to help bypass and remedy this cycle. Making the ultimate sacrifice that allows him to become fully invested in the relationship.
The idea of a chastity husband is not one sided and ‘cruel’… it’s an added rider that one smart woman places on the relationship, and one selfless man willingly accepts, that helps make for two equal sides. It teaches a man how to seek out and enjoy sexual fulfillment from his spouse and in other forms. Male chastity is the key (and lock) to the ultimate relationship.
I think one of the “enlightened” attitudes with unintended consequences revolves around masturbation. In the olden days it was frowned upon biblically and subsequently in society-you’ll grow hair on your palms if you masturbate etc. Then the enlightened attitude around sex came in around the 60s or so that everything is ok as long as it doesn’t hurt someone. And so masturbation is ok, no guilt involved. But it does hurt someone-the male with less emotional involvement misses out on a truly close relationship and of course the woman for the same reason. I wonder if this information is being taught in Sex Ed classes. Anyone know?
This is right on the mark. Penetrative sex is an intensely emotional experience for the partner being penetrated and a physical experience for the partner doing the penetrating. Male masturbation takes what little emotion was part of penetrative sex and diminishes it greatly. This site is all about getting a handle on male masturbation and allowing the male to enjoy the overwhelming emotions that come alongside loving penetration by his partner.
My ex used to complain about how porn use was making men impotent. It seems male (over)masturbation creates the same kinds of concerns for you, Emma.
I think you’ve addressed this before, but could you explain again how women, who often have higher sex drives than their lovers, are going to deal with keeping a man’s organ unused for days at a time? It seems like male chastity would be difficult for a woman whose drive is higher than her male lover’s.
Chastity with us isn’t about not having sex. On the contrary, we have lots of sex!
I typically desire sex two to three times a week and even when life gets busy, we usually are able to stick to that. Additionally I like to give and receive oral sex a couple times a week.
For us, chastity is about directing his attention and helping him focus on me. When we have sex, it ends with me satisfied and him happy that he satisfied me. He doesn’t typically orgasm when we have sex together. His satisfaction is derived from compersion and the understanding that he pleased me.
It does take some time to separate the male orgasm from sex, several months in our case. We still have slip ups from time to time but for the most part he is very conscious of when he he needs to pull out and rest to compose himself. We don’t even need the cage most of the time.
He is getting very anxious right now since we are doing the chastity challenge which is set to end on Valentine’s day. To say that he is anxious for Friday to be here would be an understatement.
It is definitely a fascinating dynamic. It has elements of femdom such as his orgasm is less or not important and he is taught to get pleasure from your pleasure.
Emma, you are teaching us men who want to even the score for women a different kind of feminism: one which starts in the bedroom. This opens the door to happier women who are able to derive more enjoyment from life because the gender power dynamic becomes more fluid. Happier women equates to more trust and mutual support between the sexes. And I do think when women get orgasms on their terms they are much happier. Your techniques won’t fit all relationships, but there are plenty of men out there who would be good matches for women who have desired male partners focused mainly on the woman’s pleasure instead of their own pleasure.
Full disclosure: many women I meet are turned on by the idea that men get most of the pleasure in the bedroom. But that is a socialized norm. It may not be true in the future. Male dominance may have some roots in the animal kingdom and from our close relatives, primates, but it is not immutable. It is an adaptation. Humans can choose to role play female dominance in the bedroom because it helps to more closely bond men and women. And happier women means less strife in the larger society.
I’m looking forward to Friday too. Normally I’m not locked anywhere near this long but my wife and I thought it would be fun to try.
So I’m also looking to hearing about your and Kevin’s experience with Chastity Day.
I’m also kind of curious to know how the two of you handle the slip ups you still have.
My wife and I don’t really have slip ups. We generally have sex every 5 to 10 days and when we do I’m free to have orgasms when ever I want. It’s just the times in between that my wife wants to help me control.
We are the same way, wife helps me control the in between sex times. It has made a big difference in relationship, I think my wife has been surprised. I am not locked 100% of the time, but stay chaste even when I am not. We also do lockups occasionally for an extended time as my wife says, to reset things.
Hello Emma and all the blog participants.
I’ve stumbled upon this blog accidentally and loving every minute reading it.
I find comfort and reassurance through reading the articles and comments, about the exciting road me and my husband took.
Thank you and keep up the wonderful work.
Welcome! We look forward to learning about the road that you and your husband have chosen with you. Would you mind telling us about it in the introductions section?
That was incredibly well written and informative. My own frequent masturbation habits are explained well as is the negative effects it has on my relationship. My wife is extremely vanilla with a non-existent libido, and I view masturbation as my only outlet. Recently, I have discovered prostate stimulation and that in itself is a whole new world. Now that I know the importance of these two elements, the best place for me would be in a device and her bottom during pegging sessions. Maybe one day.
This is simply outstanding! I don’t know how I missed this one until now, but I am sure glad I found it. Just outstanding.
“Masturbation in a relationship is selfish and self serving on a man’s part… Chastity allows for balance and is a selfless act that a man should be willing to embrace if he truly loves his spouse and wants her to find ultimate fulfillment and happiness.”
THIS. This could be anyone’s 30 second elevator speech on the benefits of chastity.
You’ve mentioned that you’re Dominant to your main partner and more submissive to the new one.
I feel that it could be a solution to my marriage, but I don’t know how to make my wife understand it.
Would you have any book or text that could help me with it?
No. I don’t have any books or texts that I can recommend but I wish I did. If anyone knows of any, pchorus and I would love to read it.
After rereading this article from a year ago and from what I have learned and experienced, this is very true.
Men that masturbate often probably aren’t fully invested in their relationship. It doesn’t have to be cruel to help the male not masturbate, but can be done in a more loving way.
It is also true that masturbation or orgasm by a woman is not the same as the male. I think it is due to hormones after orgasms. Men’s hormones are different after orgasm than a women’s. Women can still have that bonding and caring feeling, while men lose it.
I don’t think it should be a goal that men never orgasm, they just shouldn’t waste them on masturbation. The wife should help control that.
I read recently that some religions either before or after marriage, the wife has a talk with the husband about how she knows he masturbated before marriage and how as a couple they will prevent this habit in the future. Kind of embarrassing!