Relationships: Sexualizing Insecurities

I’m writing the draft of this blog on a flight during that strange week between Christmas and New Year. Thankfully the flight is half full and I have the whole row to myself. I don’t think I’d be able to concentrate if I was constantly worried about the wandering eyes of the person beside me.

I haven’t been posting much over the last couple weeks, getting ready for the holidays and all but I’ve been thinking. What if fetishes are simply sexualized insecurities? The human brain is pretty amazing and it does some counterintuitive things as coping mechanisms.

Think about it for a second. If fear stimulates your body into creating excitement then maybe we are just punishing ourselves to satisfy our addiction to adrenaline. The human condition is an amazing thing!



What if the male cuckold fetish is the sexualization of the insecurity of being cheated on and not being good enough? For men, sex is a performance. They have to worry about getting hard, staying hard and not finishing too early or too late. All of those emotions create opportunities for men to feel like they may fail or are not as good as other male options that their lady may have. I never really realized just how much work the male/penetrative side of sex actually is until we brought pegging into our bedroom.

Penis Size Humiliation

Perhaps insecurity related to penis size of a bigger or seemingly “better” man. As females we are constantly given standards that are impossible to live up to. Male porn stars do the same with regard to penis size. The average man is 5.16 inches long with the average male porn star being over eight inches long. It is no wonder that men are self conscious about being anatomically up to the task. Soft penis and ejaculation problems never happen in porn so any guys with concerns in that department may further compound their insecurity.


Male Chastity

Male chastity is a fetish that I am certainly familiar with. We use devices, will power, promises and trust to control and mold ejaculation patterns to promote our relationship goals. It works beautifully and has become one of the tenents of our relationship. I’ve found it to be a truly amazing way to help guide and motivate my partner.

With that being said, most women aren’t approaching their guys about the benefits of chastity. Most women familiar with chastity were approached by their guy and this became a part of their lives as a fetish. From there, they began to experience many of the benefits and quickly embraced it.

What if sexualization of female control or female dominance is the root of chastity? Many would say that chastity sits squarely in the world of BDSM and while this site attempts to separate it from that world, the BDSM chastity community certainly exists. The chastity device is a physical manifestation of a controlling hand, guiding the man toward constructive uses for his mojo.

Here are a few that I thought of after hitting publish.

  • Female rape fantasies
  • Crossdressing
  • Pegging

What other fantasies do you think could be a product of our minds sexualizing insecurities? Add them in the comments below and I may create a follow up to this blog.



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I’m not sure if all sexual fantasies come from insecurity. I think in my case and other submissives that fantasy is an extension of the desire to be controlled sexually by a woman. And what is fetish anyway? Is it just something about sexuality outside the “norms”. So blow jobs by female is not a fetish but facesitting of a female over a male is. Again speaking personally, I think fantasies are an extension of the desire to be under control. In my case since I ‘came out’ to my wife and she accepted, I do feel more at peace. So where was the insecurity other than what any of us might feel from time to time? Was it insecurity born from missing the nurturing and direction from a woman when we were infants and children? Interesting question and what do women fantasize about and why? By the way, many years ago before I was always the bottom, I did pull an abdominal muscle. I guess just more core strengthening was needed! Thanks for your blog and sharing.


Dear Emma,
As I’ve said in different ways before I really enjoy and appreciate your blog. It is very thought provoking for me and this entry is no different. Also I feel compelled to say that I am no expert on any of this and sadly have no experience with things kinky about which you write. So let me put out there that I lack credibility or accomplishment in the world of kink, sex or intimacy ?. I think that the associations between sexual fantasy, gratification, kink, fetish, anxiety and insecurity is an important association to draw attention to, to keep in mind. I would argue that both anxiety and insecurity are states that many, if not all of, us are familiar with and that nobody likes these feelings or states of mind or if being. Most of us hope to seek to reduce both anxiety and insecurity through our lives. Some of us of course are less successful than others. Nonetheless anxiety and insecurity may be one of multiple forces at play in relationships or intimate relationships, hurdles to be cleared in pursuit of affirmation, acceptance and love. In the post you point to certain obvious male anxieties related to penis size, performance and stamina. My summary of several definitions of “kink” is, “a sexual activity that falls outside the norm” (setting aside the issue of who defines the norm) and of “fetish” as a kind of desire that connects an object, body part or, I suppose, a practice to sexual gratification in a way that makes it necessary for sexual gratification. Implicit in this definition are some normative judgements that make the sexualization of some objects, parts or practices notable rather than “normal,” ie earlobes, feet, chastity and cuckoldry versus penises, breast, vanilla sex and monogamy.

In any case I find myself thinking about ways in which sexual behaviors, kinks etc may capitalize on the anxiety or insecurity of others. I would guess that the measure of the value of a kink or pursuit of a fetish would be whether participating in it reduces or neutralizes the anxiety and insecurity that one or both parties feel, or whether that activity transforms the emotional energy of certain anxieties and insecurities through gratification into something positive like confidence, security, comfort etc.

So one of the things I wonder about with male chastity as a fetish is whose fetish is it. I think that it starts as a male fetish usually but can it start as a female fetish? Does it become a female fetish? Is it always potentially a female fetish just not widely recognized. I’ve never been in chastity and never really been teased or denied but as a man with some of the usual performance and anatomic anxieties I can imagine the pleasures of this practice and the efficient ways that it removes these obstacles from the pursuit of pleasure. I wonder though about the anxiety and insecurities that a chastity fetish controls or modulates when it is her fetish.

I wonder also about the above as it may relate to prior blog post of yours regarding creating a fetish for Kevin. How is it going? Is it going? Does doing so require that you create or capitalize on some anxiety and insecurity that is then sexualized? Does one want to do that in a relationship or should we just work with whatever is there already. Finally, has he perhaps done to you what you proposed doing to him? Through his acceptance of orgasm control, chastity, punishment, humiliation and anal penetration has he permitted the elaboration or development of a fetish of yours as Domme, key holder, and penetrator. Have these various roles and practices taken on important or necessary relationships in pursuit of sexual gratification. Occasionally in different femdom/FLR/chastity blogs one can find mention of the vulnerability of the woman in these relationships but it is rarely reflected on and often obscure by by the trappings of power in that relationship.

I’m not sure if I’ve just stated the obvious in my usual long winded manner or posed an obtuse or unwelcome comment. Hope neither the latter or the former.

Please keep writing and sharing. Your courage in doing so is admirable.

With warm regards to you and Kevin,



Emma, when you talk about female rape fantasies, are you talking about women who fantasize about being “raped”? The only reason I ask is most of the fetishes you describe above appear to be geared to femdom/malesub fantasies except that one. There are certainly male crossdressers (biologically female) but not many and pegging is clearly a femdom/male sub fetish.

In my experience, it is very common for women to have fantasies of being “raped.” I put raped in quotes because it isn’t really rape. It is a fantasy the woman plays in her mind of being taken sexually (without her giving an explicit yes in the moment). She enjoys the fantasy without the guilt of being responsible for consenting to the sex — something women traditionally are unfortunately, all too often, shamed for.

If that was not the meaning of your comment, can you explain female rape fantasies where a man imagines raping a woman? Other than for an actual rapist, is that a thing?


I want to add that just because you seem to lean dominant with Kevin that doesn’t mean you won’t have some submissive fantasies. I am fed up with the idea that a person must be always dom or always sub because it doesn’t fit reality.

I will admit, for the first time ever on a forum, that I have read some femdom literature and gotten turned on even though I really am in my element during play when I’m in a dominant position. I also enjoy some stories where much younger girls force me to do something very humiliating. For me, it is really an extension of one reason I love being a dominant: I love to see women finding pleasure from forbidden fantasies.

I think it is completely reasonable that you might occasionally imagine being “raped” by a man whom you consider to be a fantasy lover. And, in real life, you might never want that to happen. And that’s ok. It helps you cum harder. It doesn’t have to go any further than that.


Back to the substance of your post, are fetishes actually sexualized insecurities? And then you added the possibility of it being a kind of addiction to adrenaline due to fear (i.e., the fight or flight response?).

You have given some examples of fetishes that might indicate insecurities and they certainly support your argument. But I would add that people fetishize anything that gives them pleasure. Dressing up as a cheerleader, an anime character or a superhero and having a sexual encounter is very common and yet I am not convinced it is an indication of insecurity. I have done pee play with female subs who imagine the urine is the holy nectar of their Dominant and not really something they fetishize because of an insecurity. I have an oral fetish and I have met women who enjoy giving oral for hours just to hear the moans of pleasure of the man whose Cock they are worshipping. I also enjoy giving oral to women and it is absolutely a joy to see a woman receiving an orgasm which she has craved for so long. I think you have correctly named some fetishes which are based on insecurities, but could that be because your focus is on fetishes which involve the humiliation of your partner in order that he assume the role you believe he should?


I have followed your blog for months now and I have always supported your style of dominance (although you have shied away from calling it dominance). You allow men a sort of soft entry into the world of letting women call all the shots. It obviously gives you pleasure to control their “bad habits.” Some women would find it tiring, but you enjoy keeping them in check. And based on the number of male subs online I find without mistresses, there is an untapped need for what you do which is why I follow your blog and recommend it to men who want to fantasize about giving control to a woman. It has some elements of romance, too: complete surrender to the will of your partner. Something which appeals to many women I meet who want to try submission. I would say we are both soft dominants in the sense that we like to guide rather than rule. I used to say I’m a Trainer more than a Dominant. And you appear to enjoy training men to bend to your will because you believe it is to their benefit. A bit paternalistic but possibly true. Obviously, patriarchy has lots of wrinkles in it and strong women are needed to clean up the messes men have created. It is an exciting time to be alive as women slowly find their voice in a world traditionally dominated by male power and privilege.


 I don’t make him guess at those needs, I am very clear and concise on exactly what those needs are and how they can be best met.”

This! It’s is as essential as water is to life!


I feel that there is definitely a basis for your line of reasoning, but I don’t think that it could be a catch all. The human brain with how it adapts to changes and environment is to diverse for that to be the case. It might be more true to say people use sex as a coping mechanism, with whatever is the driving factor shifting how it manifests.

As far as other kinks, I am a fan of spanking and discipline but that is not something I see as rooted in an insecurity but from the fact I do not have the capacity forgive myself for transgressions with amends of some kind. I actively feel better knowing my mistakes have been acknowledged, and corrective action taken. That sure as hell does not mean it does not hurt, it just means that it is a punishment I feel is justified and aids in the reconciliation process.

Also thank you Emma for bringing this post to my attention again now that I am more active.

What do you think? Please leave a comment.x