He probably does want to be locked! Once he grows accustomed to the feel of the cage and managing his releases, many men grow to feel more comfortable when caged. In a previous blog I mentioned that most men are hard wired to want to please their partner. For a man, pleasing his partner gives him a feeling of accomplishment and validation in his role as a boyfriend or husband. If he feels that the cage or your behavior while wearing the cage brings you joy or satisfaction then he values being caged.
For some men, it can be very challenging to not resort to frequent masturbation. Knowing that his orgasms are being managed by someone else and giving up that control is a huge leap of faith in his partner. This showing of trust is a wonderful way to enhance the bond between the two of you. When he trusts you to manage his releases and he places his faith in you to do the right thing for your relationship and at the same time, a tremendous weight is lifted off his shoulders.
When caged, many men resort to being uncharacteristically affectionate, or physically sensual. They reach out to give unsolicited massages, value hand holding and find more passion from kissing or hugging. Knowing that being uncaged may not bring you the same level of happiness subconsciously or consciously makes him want to be locked.
In our relationship, locking is a bit of a game. We are very playful and I will lock him as a punishment, sometimes real and sometimes imagined. If I am feeling needy, I’ll lock him to feel loved. If I am feeling bossy, I’ll lock him to feel powerful. You get the idea. Locking him up fills an emotional need in me and on the flip side it also fills a need in him.
He knows that an orgasm is a short lived endorphin rush that doesn’t do much of anything for our relationship. He also knows that sacrificing a few of those orgasms may bring a great deal of additional happiness to our relationship. Most men, including Kev are hard wired for pleasing their mate and the cage is a fantastic metaphor and tool for that emotional need.
The cage is a metaphor for more than that. We all have a tendency to sexualize insecurities and the cage can become a healthy fetish. The cage can be a symbol for many things; differences in libido, infidelity in current or previous relationships or simply a symbol for the fact that the woman is typically the gatekeeper for sex in a relationship.
While fetishes can seem dark and taboo, they don’t all need to dive into the exciting world of bdsm. Healthy sexual fetishes are a great thing especially if they are shared with both partners. They keep the mind focused and they enhance the bond between both partners as a common desire.
Communication about locking is incredibly important because you need to both be on the same page. It is easy to keep it a game and not really know what the other is thinking but open and honest communication helps you both understand each other. If it goes back to a game as ours has, that is great but both partners need to understand what the other is hoping to acheive.
I’ve put together a question and answer that you might use in your relationship. The order of the questions is important when you are hoping to get him to be open with his responses so keep that in mind.
- How do you feel when I tell you that I’d like you to lock up?
- How do you feel after being locked one day?
- When you are locked, what brings you pleasure?
- Is that pleasure a substitute for sexual pleasure or is it somehow different?
- How do you feel after being locked for three days?
- How do you feel after being locked for 6 days?
- When I lock you up for closer to two weeks or a month, how do you feel?
- Do you ever feel sad when I tell you that I am unlocking you?
- What do/would you think about others knowing about you being locked?
- When we have sex and I lock you up without being permitted an orgasm, what positive things does that make you feel?
- When I tell you that I am unlocking you but then change my mind, does that ever make you feel resentful?
- When one of your friends is going through relationship challenges, do you ever find yourself wanting to tell them about chastity?
- In the scenario above, why wouldn’t you tell them about chastity?
- Do you ever find yourself feeling ashamed about the lockup games that we play together? Why?
- What five benefits do you feel that our 7 day release schedule adds to our relationship? Why?
- What negatives does lockup add to our relationship? Why?
- Do our chastity games ever make you feel humiliated or emasculated? Why?
- After you have your weekly (or longer) orgasm, how do you feel right afterwards? How do you feel over the next day?
- Do you prefer using a cage or the honor system?
- What else would you like to share about our lockup games?
So what do you think, guys? Do you want her to lock you up?
“For a man, pleasing his partner gives him a feeling of accomplishment and validation in his role as a boyfriend or husband. If he feels that the cage or your behavior while wearing the cage brings you joy or satisfaction then he values being caged.”
Do you think we could get a look at Kevin’s answers to these?
Sure- good idea!
My husband actually misses being locked if the cage is off for any significant period of time, and when I say significant I mean a few days.
I’ve never understood why and he hasn’t been able to articulate to me very well. Some of it is just habit I guess but I’ve always suspected that underlying that is some sense of security.
But I can tell when he wants the cage put back on as he starts to be a bit cheeky and subtly dropping hints. I I say something like “I think I should lock you back up soon”, he’ll change the subject, but I know he want me to do it.
And if I say “I think the cage should go back on in the morning” he won’t put it back on in the morning unless I leave it out for him or tell him the next day directly that the cage is going on.
He’ll never ask outright though, which I’ve always thought a bit odd, but assume that it’s part of him wanting me to dominate him in that respect (We are not in a particularity dominant relationship).
And he can’t stand the post orgasm crash. He’ll implore me not to let him cum if he thinks I’m going to masturbate him to completion.
Odd creatures men!
“Odd Creatures Men”
Totally! I try so hard to understand but I always seem to come up short.
If we were to crack it, we’d make a fortune 😉
Many a men think the same way about women. Something about our chemistry changes us in very significant ways so as to almost appear a different species to the other.
Odd and quite simple actually
I prefer anal (actually prostate) orgasms to penis orgasms. There is no crash afterwards. But they are harder to achieve.
He loves when you are making the decisions. That is so beautiful
For most men, it is a struggle to not masturbate. It doesn’t take a lot though to persuade us not too. Being locked and let out occasionally by our spouse takes a lot of pressure off. Being locked up actually has a calming effect.
I like the fact that the pressure is off me. No worrying about when I can sneak off and Masterbate, hiding it from her.
No more shame about hiding what I am doing either.
I enjoy the energy I get releasing every 7 days. I feel more connected to my wife.
I just wish I had found this out sooner. It would saved me from sooo many martial mistakes. I have a lot to make up for and giving her control is helping me do that.
Phenious, I am the same way, it takes a lot of pressure off and nothing to hide. I am not locked all the time, but also don’t masturbate without the wife’s permission. When I am locked, it is for 10 days minimum.
I think a lot of males and wives would be happier if they found male chastity and used it in a more loving way, not mean or cruel.
I agree completely. It shouldn’t be mean or cruel, it should be regarded as the utmost level of a loving and supporting girlfriend or wife. I started this site to try and make it more socially acceptable. I really do struggle to understand why it isn’t already.
I think there are several reasons it has not become more socially acceptable or common place.
From the female side, most women are not familiar with male chastity, especially using a device. There is one church that I believe teaches the male should be “chaste” to his wife after marriage. I know someone that goes to that church and he said basically, they give up their childish ways of masturbation and fantasizing about other women. But other than that, they just don’t know about it.
Women are also by nature, nurturing, they don’t want to hurt their partner and a device can look painful.
Most women don’t understand that their husband masturbates way more than they know and don’t understand he his wasting he energy doing that when he could be spending his time pleasing his wife in ways that are not necessarily sexual. After they are married, they wonder what happened to some of the spark they had when dating. They don’t know by controlling his orgasm, they are actually helping themselves and their relationship.
For males, they don’t want to give up their freedom to play with themselves when they get the chance. Many would be mad if they had to give that up.
Nearly all males before they got married were having lots of orgasms through masturbation and expect their wife to spread their legs and let them continue having frequent orgasms when they feel like it. While sometimes it is “making love”, often times, it is more like they are masturbating in a vagina. They don’t want to give that up.
Can you imagine in the future a bunch of naked males in the showers are the gym and all of them have locks on their penis? Or a time when married males just wear a device as part of marriage?
I just read your article carefully.
I have a question on a subject that I’ve seen on other sites and I’m curious.
Do you and Kevin practice ruined orgasms during his releases?
We do not. In my opinion, an orgasm is an orgasm. We tried a couple times but I didn’t see a difference in his behavior so I figured I’d let the guy enjoy them.
My wife is a fan of them, mostly because she thinks it is funny too. But they are reserved for punishment or if I have been to verbal about wanting to orgasm.
Once is not customary, but I’m not gonna agree with you, Emma.
We practice ruined orgasm in our relationship and I can confirm that my husband’s reactions (and mood) after a standard orgasm and a ruined orgasm are completely different.
I always notice a drop in my husband’s interest in me after a standard orgasm and things usually take 2 to 3 days to return to normal (which I think is standard for most men). However after a ruined orgasm and a return to the cage my husband’s state of mind remains focused on me and my pleasure.
However, it took me a very long time (about 1 year) to fully master this technique that I love to practice today (hence my pseudonym among others).
“However after a ruined orgasm and a return to the cage my husband’s state of mind remains focused on me and my pleasure.
However, it took me a very long time (about 1 year) to fully master this technique that I love to practice today (hence my pseudonym among others).”
In an unprecedented move for me, I’m going to disagree with Emma as well. Ruined orgasms, when done properly, have been one of the greatest discoveries in our marriage. Like you said Julie, there is ZERO drop in interest, enthusiasm and desire to for my wife following a ruined orgasm. With a full orgasm, it takes days to recover, which is why I am only allowed 2-3 full orgasms per year. The rest are ruined.
It indeed does take practice … and practice does makes perfect. In our early days, my Wife would require me to ruin my own orgasms during supervised masturbation sessions, from which she gained great knowledge as to when to cease stimulation to my penis in time to avoid orgasm and still produce ejaculation. An imperfect ruined orgasm is in fact a regular orgasm.
Thank you for sharing. Very interesting!
Ms. Emma do I want to be locked up. The direct and short answer is no. But the correct answer is I want and need to be because it makes her, my QUEEN happy and it’s what she wants. As I look back on my life (I’m a young early retiree at 55 now 63) I have accomplished most every thing I ever imagined in this life. Do I have regrets yes a few but otherwise I’ve risen to the top of that mountain. My only goal left in my time on this rock be it 10 seconds minutes days months years or decades is to insure my QUEEN is totally H3W (happy healthy HORNEY and wet). My obeying her command to be locked in a cage (be it temporary or permanent) insures she is H3W and that’s all I care about. Your blog and the info you impart is OUTSTANDING. Please I can’t beg you enough (and if you were local I would willingly kneel before you and beg) keep doing what you are doing as it fills the need for information which gives those of us in the lifestyle courage to drive further up the mountain!
I don’t know how I missed this gem, but another amazing, articulate easy to understand article Emma. Those 20 questions are amazingly beneficial to anyone considering orgasm control and semen retention through enforced chastity. Bravo
Thank you. Kevin responded to the questions already, I just need to find time to post. I didn’t forget!
Perhaps some others of us should ask their husbands/partners those 20 questions too. If we did would you like them posted here or would you like us to send them to you so you could make an article/results item?
So being a little bored this week I thought I’d try the questionnaire on Martin. Here’s his responses.
1. How do you feel when I tell you that I’d like you to lock up?
I kind of dread it but also crave it. If you say I’m locking you back up in the morning then I won’t do it on my own, you have to say put your cage back on now or else I’ll conveniently ‘forget’. However, as I am locked pretty much all the time now, it doesn’t happen very often.
2. How do you feel after being locked one day?
Not much differently, I don’t think the impact hits until a few days in.
3. When you are locked, what brings you pleasure?
Making you cum! I like to bring you pleasure.
4. Is that pleasure a substitute for sexual pleasure or is it somehow different?
It kind of does, but to be honest part of me thinks that if I bring you pleasure then perhaps you’ll release me for some play of some sort. There is a slight feeling of let down if you have orgasmed, but you haven’t played with me at all.
5. How do you feel after being locked for three days?
I can feel my sexual desire build a bit and I think about my release a lot more.
6. How do you feel after being locked for 6 days?
I get more used to being locked and its part of everyday life. I’m more used to washing and going to the toilet with it on. It sort of becomes normal.
7. When I lock you up for closer to two weeks or a month, how do you feel?
Again, the longer I’m locked the less odd it feels, it becomes just every day for me. There is a part of me that wants release and to be able to cum, but the again I don’t want to spoil the sexual tension that it creates.
8. Do you ever feel sad when I tell you that I am unlocking you?
Not if you are going to edge me as I don’t know how far that will go. Will I get to cum or won’t I. I do feel sad if I’ve had a full orgasm and less so if it has been ruined. But it does feel like going back to square one if I’ve cum. There’s a sexual frisson when I haven’t cum for a long time and that’s lost if you allow me to cum.
9. What do/would you think about others knowing about you being locked?
Part of this excites me and I’d like to be able to speak with other men who are kept in chastity, have a beer or something. But I wouldn’t like my work or family to know as I don’t think they’d be particularly accepting.
10. When we have sex and I lock you up without being permitted an orgasm, what positive things does that make you feel?
I do like the control that this represents. S you know I have a busy job, managing staff and budgets, creating company policy etc. So not to have to make the decision about if I’m going to orgasm or not is actually a relief. I can concentrate on you
11. When I tell you that I am unlocking you but then change my mind, does that ever make you feel resentful?
It does leave me feeling down to be honest. There are times when it looks like were going to have sex (we’ll you are!) and then life gets in the way and it doesn’t happen, that leaves me feeling deflated and disappointed. It’s not you actually not unlocking me, but more that I was getting excited about the prospect and that ’treat’ hasn’t happened.
12. When one of your friends is going through relationship challenges, do you ever find yourself wanting to tell them about chastity?
Never come across this to date, so I’m not sure I would. All my friends are pretty ‘manly’ and I don’t think that they would respond too well to the suggestion if I were to make it to be honest.
13. In the scenario above, why wouldn’t you tell them about chastity?
I think I’ve explained that.
14. Do you ever find yourself feeling ashamed about the lockup games that we play together? Why?
No, not ashamed – perhaps a little nervous in case the ‘wrong’ people found out.
15. What five benefits do you feel that our 7 day release schedule adds to our relationship? Why?
No idea, we’ve never had a fixed schedule.
16. What negatives does lockup add to our relationship? Why?
I think a little resentment can creep in sometimes, but I’ve learned to put that aside pretty quickly now. It was my idea originally and I know that I could stop it if I really wanted to – but I don’t now.
17. Do our chastity games ever make you feel humiliated or emasculated? Why?
Can’t say they do – I’ve never been a macho type as you know and have always had a caring/nurturing side to me (which you tell me is why you love me!) so knowing that being locked makes you happy is enough justification for me.
18. After you have your weekly (or longer) orgasm, how do you feel right afterwards? How do you feel over the next day?
Immediately after I am on a definite downer. It is over so quickly after weeks of build-up and denial. The next few days are rough to be honest and I don’t really want to be locked back up and if I’m not relocked then I’ll masturbate several times a day.
19. Do you prefer using a cage or the honour system?
Cage – there’s no way I have the self-control to use the honour system.
20. What else would you like to share about our lockup games?
As you know I’d like to be more extreme in our games, but I know that’s not you. I’d like to feel even less control with more bondage. You sleeping with Michael was a surprise to me as I never thought you’d sleep with anyone else even though we’ve (I’ve) talked about it a lot over the years. But I feel it’s a natural progression on our journey and I know how it makes you feel. Of course, it makes me nervous, but I trust you and love you enough to know that this works for us and that we would talk about it if any of this was a problem.
Who is next?
Love this. Thank you MsTara!
Yes of course. As you mentioned on this great writing. We men do want to please our partners. We also know it is hard to stay focused. We value making you ladies happy. Show us! Lead us. Even train us for the relationships benefit.