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Orgasm Denial: What is a Ruined Orgasm?

I’d first like to thank Ruined-Julie for contributing this post. Full disclosure, Kevin and I tried the ruined orgasm and it didn’t work well for us. Julie’s writing certainly makes me want to give it another try. I did some quick editing but not too much. Thanks again Julie!

The “ruined orgasm” is a sexual technique that provides intense sensations that you can use in the bedroom to send your partner into sexual ecstasy. It is also, without a doubt, the least understandable technique and is largely under-used to bring even more pleasure to both partners.

This post is primarily intended for women, but gentlemen, you are also invited to read it (and if you like it, then I encourage you to pass it on to your wife, partner or girlfriend). I hope this post will correct some of the misconceptions about the “ruin” of male orgasm, convince you to try it (tonight for example), and help you learn how to achieve it properly. Even if you don’t succeed the first few times the learning process alone is intensely fun for both of you and once you learn to perform things correctly the reward will surprise you.


Its name is misleading: it’s still an orgasm!

I guess the biggest misunderstanding about ruined orgasms comes from the word “ruined”. It has a negative connotation. It suggests something unpleasant, something you would do to someone you don’t really love. Presumably, you love your man. You want him to be happy. Orgasms make him happy and you like to give him big and wonderful orgasms. Why would you want to “ruin” his orgasms? It doesn’t make any sense.

The name is simply inaccurate. A perfectly “ruined” orgasm is still an orgasm! It is not ruined (in the sense of annihilating, spoiling) at all! It will feel profoundly different, but it will always be WONDERFUL – especially if you use it as a way to prolong your lovemaking! 


The orgasm called “ruined” is a special kind of climax, reached in a very specific way, which triggers a slightly different sequence of physical, emotional and hormonal reactions in his body. He or she will experience the “ruined” orgasm in a profoundly different way than a “classic” orgasm. For a man who is used to receiving and expecting a “classic” orgasm (i.e. all men), the sudden surprise of new, unexpected and different sensations could be mistaken for disappointment. I think that’s where the term “ruined” comes from. He hopes for a very specific fantastic sensation, but you give him a slightly different (but still fantastic) feeling instead, and his irrational instinctive reaction may be frustration.

A bit like when you’re enjoying a chocolate and expect it to be filled with caramel. And when you bite into it, you discover that it’s actually filled with delicious strawberries. You were expecting something specific, but at the last second you get something different. Your instinctive reaction might be disappointment, yet you love caramel as much as you love strawberries. Your disappointment or frustration is a subjective response related to the discrepancy between your expectations and reality. Your brain and taste buds were at that very moment conditioned to taste a caramel-filled chocolate. In the end, it’s strawberry chocolate. Are you going to say that the chocolate wasn’t delicious? Does that mean the chocolate was ruined? Of course not!

Since the first time your man discovered that he could even give himself pleasure (spoiler alert: many years before he met you), his brain has been conditioned to expect a very specific sequence at orgasm. Men don’t naturally ruin their orgasms. And, assuming your man has known other women before you, chances are he has never had a ruined orgasm. Couples don’t usually have male ruined orgasms during “typical”, “classic” sex. So, chances are your man has never experienced the sensations you are about to offer him. His pleasure centers are deeply waiting for the “caramel”, while you are about to give him “strawberries”. He won’t be able to help but be surprised by the “taste,” even if you tell him he’s coming. Is the “strawberry” unpleasant? Of course not! The “strawberry” will be fantastic! It will just be different.

So please don’t be embarrassed or sorry to ruin your man’s orgasm! The word “ruin” has so many negative connotations. It’s a terrible word compared to what actually happens. It is a terrible word in relation to what is actually happening, discouraging couples in love from trying this wonderful technique. I did not choose this appellation “ruined orgasm”, and for lack of a more appropriate expression, this technique must be named.

I am telling you: concentrate on the word “orgasm”. Orgasms are unequivocally fantastic! You affectionately offer him a special orgasm! This is an excellent thing. You wonder what’s so special about it?

Ruined orgasm = prolonged pleasure

I’ll explain later how to achieve a ruined orgasm. But first, why? What is the advantage of a “ruined” orgasm compared to a “classic” orgasm?

A ruined orgasm triggers a slightly different sequence of physical, emotional and hormonal reactions in the male body. This is all involuntary. It’s a reflex common to all men. Just like a “classic” orgasm, he can’t control it. After a “classic” orgasm, a man goes through a refractory period during which he loses his erection and sexual arousal. Conversely, during a “ruined” orgasm, the man does not experience this refractory period, he retains his erection, his sexual arousal is intact or even amplified, and he will have a strong desire to have sex.

Wow! He manages to have an orgasm… followed immediately by NO MORE pleasure! MORE SEX! That’s a fucking advantage!

Explanation of the physical effect

In a “classic” orgasm, the man reaches a peak of pleasure that triggers an explosion in his body and causes ejaculation, followed by a period of rest and recovery, this is the refractory period. The powerful muscle contractions and violent jolts of his sex eject the sperm in bursts from his penis. Then his tail loses its vigour, his whole body enters a phase of rest and recovery. From that moment on, it’s over, no more sex for you or him.

During a “ruined” orgasm, the man reaches a peak of pleasure, on the verge of orgasm, which does not trigger this explosion in his whole body. It is not triggered, because the physical stimulation expected during the peak of pleasure is absent (we will talk about this later). Weak contractions of the muscles that usually contribute to ejaculation will try to “pump” the semen out of her body. Instead of ejaculating in “bursts”, the semen flows effortlessly down the penis. He feels sensations that run all over his body, which are markedly different from a “classic” orgasm, but still intensely pleasurable. Importantly, the point of “sexual satisfaction” is never reached. He has an orgasm, he “unloads” a little semen, but he still has a feeling of “unfinished business”. It’s still hard as a rock, and he wants more. He NEEDS more. Your evening is just beginning…

How do you ruin your man’s orgasm?

The basic concept is very simple, in theory at least. Let’s say that his point of no return (the precise moment, no matter what happens, once reached, the body gives the “kick-off” and inevitably triggers the orgasm) is very precisely seven minutes, then you must stimulate him sexually and physically (masturbation, blowjob, penetration…) exactly seven minutes (and not a second more). At that moment, release his penis and absolutely stop all your stimulation. As long as he doesn’t receive physical stimulation, his orgasmic reflexes will lead him straight to a ruined orgasm. Mission accomplished!

Seems easy, in theory at least. In practice, it is much more complicated. For one thing, the time to reach the point of no return is never constant. It depends on many parameters such as the degree of arousal, the last ejaculation, fatigue, alcohol consumption, state of mind… On the other hand, ruined orgasm is an art – rest assured, an art that remains accessible. There is a huge difference between a good ruined orgasm and a great ruined orgasm. To fake your man’s brain and give him the intense experience of a real ruined orgasm, you need to know his body inside out.

Study, learn and know his specific sequence of escalating physical pleasure signs. Identify the moments in the sequence when you can continue the stimulation to bring him further up to his peak and the precise moment when you must instantly interrupt the stimulation, at the risk of triggering a “classic” orgasm. The tense muscles, the arched back, the moaning, the pulsation of his cock, the acceleration of his breathing, the retraction of his balls… are signs that he is close to orgasm and that his body is preparing for ejaculation. Observe him closely while you give him pleasure. Study, analyze and learn about your man!

The right time

The key to a ruined orgasm is to find the right moment to interrupt the stimulation. A common idea is to stop at the last possible second. Which can be a mistake! On the one hand, you may not necessarily be giving her the best ruined orgasm, and on the other hand there is a good chance you will miss your goal. In that case, don’t be sorry: it will still be an orgasm, but you can do better.

Instead of “letting go at the last second”, you can stop much sooner. The goal is to leave him on the verge of orgasm, as if time were suspended, for as long as possible before his body triggers the ejaculatory reflexes. If you do it correctly his semen should just flow effortlessly drip down along his penis with weak contractions and weak pulsation of his cock.

Do you see that “floating” moment, the time it takes for the semen to flow without caressing it? If so, congratulations, you’ve done it!
This little moment will seem like a fucking eternity to him. With a lot of practice on your man, you’ll be able to prolong this floating moment as long as possible.

It’s through practice that one becomes a blacksmith…

With your partner and good communication, you can learn how to find the perfect moment together. Start by asking him to announce to you, out loud, when he reaches what he thinks is the point of no return. Stop all stimulation and let him go at that moment (the urge to continue will be VERY strong, you must resist).

The problem is: he is in a trance of intense pleasure (thanks to you). So, he is not the most reliable person at the moment. To find his true point of no return, you must study the sequence of physical reactions that occur in his body in the precious seconds before he warns you. So to learn and master this technique you have no choice but to grope. Keep in mind, that it is better to stop too early than too late: if you stop too early, nothing will happen. That’s okay. After a short break (15 – 30 seconds), you can resume your stimulation and start looking for the right moment again. However, if you stop too late, you will cause a “classic” orgasm. Again, nothing dramatic. If you fail, it doesn’t matter, you will have given her a “classic” orgasm. It is always nice for him to receive and for you to give, an orgasm. Before you succeed in giving him a ruined orgasm, it is very likely that you will fail several times, take the opportunity to learn from your “mistakes” and to perfect your technique.

Night after night, gradually work your way up this chain of reactions by stopping earlier and on your own initiative without waiting for his indications, until you find the point where he doesn’t reach orgasm at all. Then, gradually and very carefully work your way forward again, until you find the point where there are 5 to 15 seconds, without any stimulation, before the semen flows uncontrollably. Then test the moment you have identified again and make tiny variations around this moment until you have determined the best time to stop your stimulation.

Congratulations! You now know how to ruin your man’s orgasms – you know how to make him “ejaculate” with maximum pleasure, without ending your night of pleasure – you know how to fuck him totally and completely in the best possible way! When he comes to his senses, I promise you that he will thank you with admiration and love in his big, exhausted eyes.

Did you enjoy Julie’s contribution? If so, tell her in the comments below.



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There is a fine line between a ‘ruined’ orgasm and just edging. I have practised for years on my hubby and I still don’t get it right every time. There are so many variables, as Julie mentions, that in my experience no two times are ever the same.
However edging can be very rewarding for both of you even if you never get to any sort of orgasm. If you can keep your man on the brink for a sustained period of time, only to eventually watch him deflate without reaching his peak and then lock his cage back on, you will find yourself with a very devoted partner. One who craves that experience again and will give you pleasure ten fold in the hope of a repeat.
There’s a techniques that I’ve used if I think he’s gone too far and is about to cum. It is to press the palm of my hand down quite hard on his helmet – it doesn’t always work but is reasonably successful and sometimes it can turn an ‘ordinary’ orgasm into a ruined one.
I have heard that gripping the balls and twisting will also take away that moment of release, but it sound a bit brutal for me and I haven’t tried it.
But all in all I am a big advocate of edging and, if you can master the technique, ruined orgasms as one of the other side effects is that he doesn’t then get that post orgasmic crash and the grumpiness that often come with it for two or three days afterwards.


Exactly @mstara.

It has many ways to ruin an orgasm. The one detailed above is the most common and the only one I practice. I personally find the others more invasive and less pleasurable for both me and him.
But if people are interested in learning about other “harder” methods let me know and I will send Emma a short summary of the different techniques known.


mstara – Good post you have. If any other ladies read this I would add that a ruined orgasm i.e. stroking him just to the point of orgasm, then quickly removing any further stimulation drives 98% of males wild with sexual frustration. Doing this after weeks of lock up, then relocking him will normally turn him into putty in your hands. Just be prepared for lots of crying and begging.


Most of my experiences with ruined orgasms have been unpleasant, and I think a big part of that is that they have usually been the result of us accidentally taking things too far. The surprise and disappointment of it happening when I have been trying to hold back interfere with the possibility of enjoying it.

I like Ruined-Julie’s point about negative experiences of ruined orgasms being the result of dissonance between the expectation and reality. I think this probably puts the woman in a position to influence how he experiences a ruined orgasm, depending on whether she wants to use it to build up his frustration and arousal, or to give him a pleasant experience. If I were told what was coming and that I was meant to enjoy it, this would probably reduce the shock and frustration so that I could focus on the pleasant sensations. On the other hand, if I were surprised that the orgasm was being ruined, if I were distracted by unpleasant sensations (like those MsTara suggests), or if my attention were drawn to the denial aspect rather than the potentially pleasurable experience, this would probably make enjoying it very difficult and would just result in frustration.


It all depends on how you’re having a ruined orgasm. If it’s only a ruined orgasm during a cage release it can actually be frustrating.
Personally I see it more as a mouthful before moving on to other more serious games.
Finally as it is said and repeated over and over again, communicate, that is the most important point, and believe me, strawberry filled chocolate can be very pleasant even when you expect to find caramel.


Hi Julie,

first of all: “Welcome !” – it is nice that You are taking part.

Yes, a ruined orgasm IS very frustrating during a cage release. After a long time …

What do You mean by “I see it more as a mouthful before moving on to other more serious games” ?

Best regards,


This is an outstanding and we’ll written article.

You explained everything so perfectly.
Before I was not sure interested, but now I really want to give this a try.

I will definitely show this article to my wife.

Thank you Julie and Emma.


You really should give it another try. What Emma wrote is the truth. Take it from a man that has actually become accustomed to preferring a ruined orgasm to a full-on orgasm because of continued constant state of arousal that follows.


p.s. Why did you give up on spankings?


I love this! Please post more guestpost ?


Nonsense … your “ramblings” are marvelous and very sensical (is that a word?). Thank you!


YES !!!! I agree


I think there is a problem of definition of what is an orgasm for men.
I would tend to exclude the mechanical/physical reaction that is ejaculation from the definition to be more in line with what women feel when they have an orgasm.
To me ejaculation is not an orgasm, at least not necessarily and that’s where ruined orgasm is placed. A ruined orgasm is a process that takes away the orgasm and leave the man with just the physical reaction. He doesn’t feel the pleasure that is (usually) linked to it.
As you stated though, it has many advantages not to reach the orgasm climax and only limit a man to the ejaculation: he won’t have the same hormones charge and arousal and erection can be maintained.
So by that definition, ruined orgasm does stand to its name, it is indeed a ruined orgasm in the fact that orgasm isn’t obtained and that it was all the objective of the technique you describe.
Men are used to the synchronization of their orgasm with the ejaculation and so most people consider the 2 as being one, but in fact, ejaculation may vary well be happening on its own if you break the rythm and the synchronization and go past the point of no-return as stated, including when masturbating.
Anyway, just my 2 cents and position on the “definition”.


This is outstanding. Ruined orgasms have a very special place in our WLM relationship. My Mistress Wife has been practicing semen retention and significant orgasm control for our entire, going-on 10 year WLM (we’ve been married 20 years and 6 years ago we used the occasion of our 15th wedding anniversary to exchange vows specific to our WLM). My “full orgasms are limited to 3-4 per year, sometimes less. The overwhelming majority of my ejaculations are via ruined orgasm, whether they are performed myself (under her supervision of course) or by her. They have essentially replaced the full orgasm as the primary way I am allowed to consummate sex with my wife.

All that said ….. I absolutely love it! I have come to cherish the continued and unabated arousal that follows a ruined orgasm and have come to actually prefer a ruined orgasm over a full-on orgasm, for that very reason. With a ruined orgasm there is no down time. There is no loss of arousal and as such, there is no loss of attention to my Mistress Wife. The knowledge that I will continue to be in a state of arousal right after sex with my Wife is so incredible, which is why I have come to prefer it.

I have just recently found this amazing blog and you amazing women. I have begun to forward several of your posts to my Wife. She asked me to do so whenever I come across postings by intelligent, meaningful, non-porn fueled blogs on Female Led Relationships. This blog more than fits that bill. Thank you very much for your efforts and postings. I’m a big fan.


Thank you for putting together such a detailed explanation of the, “Ruined orgasm,” and clarifying that, “Ruined,” is a misnomer.

When I saw this post I was very intrigued, because whenever I hear the term, “Ruined orgasm,” I always chuckle to myself and think, there is no such thing! I equate it to the old saying, “Ain’t no such thing as bad pussy!” Personally, I would argue that point, but right now.

I have been married to a tigress for 32 years. Her attitude about orgasms has always been, if you get me all hot and bothered, you dam well better finish the job! I, on the other hand, go through times when I willingly deny myself for 3-4 days. I will happily take care of all her needs, and even preform intercourse if she wants, but I won’t allow myself to cum. She understands when I’m in that mood, and has a lot of fun teasing and edging me, knowing that when I’m ready to cum it will be what I describe as a, “Euphoric train wreck followed by an immobilizing state of bliss!”

There have been many times when she was enthusiastically edging me and stoped just a fraction of a second to late! So I can honestly say, I have experienced many perfectly timed, “Ruined orgasms!” They are certainly different; its kind of like being paralyzed in the middle of the road. You can see the truck ‘cumming’ but you cant get out of the way. Sometimes I don’t think it’s an accident when she goes a little to far! She does loves to watch me cum, and she is not above a little post orgasm torture!


I read your article about ruined orgasm and I found it really interesting ? In order to help me reach my semen retention goal for 7 days, do you think it could be useful to allow 1 or 2 ruined orgasm during the week, or if its like cheating because semen doesn’t stay in the balls? I just want to make sure we do thing correctly so I will feel all the benefits of semen retention ?


Ok I understand your point. Thanks for the encouragement. I really hope to be able to retain during 7 days. Do you have some helping tricks I could do if the pressure inside my balls become too much for what I can take?

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