I’ve just been thinking and researching some things about human sexuality and felt the need to put some thoughts down. Both men and women are wired to be monogamous but in some sort of angry paradox of nature we are both also wired to be promiscuous.
It seems that we either go into a relationship with the intention of potential short term sex or long term coupling. So why do we select the short term hookup culture instead of longer term relationships. I guess that goes to show why Tinder and Match.com are completely different apps and business models.
When relationships are new, the body secretes large amounts of dopamine and dopamine is closely associated with sexual arousal. Studies have found that women crave that dopamine arousal more than men because women have less consistent levels of sexual arousal. Dopamine levels in a relationship decrease over time until they are virtually nonexistent about two years into a relationship. The newness wears off.
Female infidelity frequently starts with a confidant that develops over time. As she feels an emotional connection, she may open up to the possibilities of a physical connection.
Male infidelity can start the same way but is more opportunistic. If a man finds an opportunity for sex, and validation of his male psyche he will frequently take it regardless of whether an emotional bond has been built.
There are really no rules when it comes to infidelity however. There is no denying that sometimes a connection or spark appears and creates an immediate sense of euphoria which can lead to anything.
To keep his dopamine flowing, push his boundaries. Keep his body wondering, yearning and slightly uncomfortable. If you want to keep things new and exciting, pushing your sexual boundaries and trying new things will keep that dopamine level high. For men, this is typically related to new physical experiences such as fulfilling new fantasies and developing new kinks to fuel the dopamine. For women, physical experiences do fuel dopamine response but it is much more indirect than men. For women, we take a must less direct route to the dopamine response. We desire new emotional experiences such as flirting, romance novels and is far more complicated than men.
Stimulate Your Mind
I find that innocent flirting boosts my libido and gives me that newness feeling. I enjoy a night out with the girls and flirting with random guys and girls to give me those butterflies that have all but subsided in my relationship. This of course is no reflection on Kev but a purely physical response that subsides with time. It seems that kinks develop over time and older men and women are more prone to having specific kinks that fuel their dopamine response.
Swinging and Hotwives
Let’s take a closer look at the swinger, hotwife, cuckold relationship fantasies that both genders seem to enjoy. These relationship types of activities are like throwing gas on the dopamine fire for both genders. When a woman experiences a new emotional experience with another person, the dopamine response comes back in an enormous way. When this type of relationship can be experienced and feelings of guilt do not need to be suppressed, she can truly become addicted. Women lose contact with their sexuality when they are in long term relationships and new experiences bring that sexual confidence back. If she feels secure in her relationship or marriage an experience like this can be tremendously liberating and exciting. Men are no different although their dopamine response is stronger with the physical aspect than the emotional aspect.
For our relationship, pegging does a wonderful job of fulfilling both of our dopamine needs. For me, pegging is generally a psychological experience. I don’t typically enjoy vibrators in the harness and the pleasure that I receive is purely emotional. Being in control makes me feel confident, dominant and is very exciting. For him, the physical aspect of being controlled and dominated excites all of his senses.
One may look at the world through traditional eyes and see things very black and white. Traditional monogamy implies that you are either with someone or you aren’t. Our culture ranks desirability of women in particular based upon the number of sexual partners that they’ve had. The likelihood of finding long term love for promiscuous or formerly promiscuous women is much lower than women who limit their sexual partners due to stereotypes and reputational concerns. Although interestingly enough if you eventually do want monogamy, a large percentage of men would prefer a partner who’s had a lot of sexual experience, as long as they have some assurance that you won’t be unfaithful to them.
All in all, your life is what you make of it. I beg you to communicate openly with your partner and life your life to its fullest. If you have a toe fetish or a stuffed giraffe fetish, by all means enjoy your life. If you know that your fetish has the potential to hurt someone, seek help and work with a professional to redirect that sexual energy. The conclusion here really boils down to communication. Keep those lines of communication open with your partner and with yourself to ensure that your needs are consistently met. Don’t forget to stop and smell the roses along the way.
Another very interesting article, thanks Emma.
It seems completely true to me that a woman’s sexual brain is completely different from a man’s and that certain things that excite Matt seem completely superficial to me (Ladies, never neglect the erotic power of your husband’s vision, even fleeting, on your breasts…).
I don’t know if we’re really programmed to be monogamous, but that’s what the weight of our society and the different religions pushes us towards (and it’s an atheist who says so).
Anyway, as always, communication is the basis of everything… but I still can’t wait to meet a man who is a fetishist of stuffed giraffes.
Please don’t kinkshame people with stuffed giraffe fetishes.
hahaha kidding of course.
Does exist. Not surprised, and that’s surprising.
Back on topic, my take away is that no matter what it is humans do everything comes down to proper communication. I have improperly communicated my desires in the recent and distant past. And it usually cost us at least an arguement or emotion conversation, at worst a few days to a week of tension.
One of things that I enjoy about this lifestyle is that I feel it opens up a line of communication that helps work through many different relationship challenges internal or external.
There were several things in this piece that resonated with me and my experience in recent years, so it was interesting to see the concepts verbalised and laid out logically as opposed just heaped on top of each other as it is in my brain!
As I mentioned somewhere else, women particularly have been brain washed into conforming to misogynistic social ‘norms’ where men are lorded for their sexual prowess and women slated if they dare to enjoy sex with more than a couple of partners in their lifetime.
I don’t think that ‘modern man’ actually exists. Sure many help more with the domestics and child care but that’s usually more out of necessity as both partners are often working – the 1960s stay at home Mum is a rarity these days (I’d give my high teeth to be a lady that lunches – lol).
But underneath that, most men still want someone who will do most of the domestic stuff , looks like a super model, is like a porn star in bed with them, but is as pure as the driven snow in every other respect. Goodness help most men if they ever thought that we might fantasise about other partners, knew we masturbated to our fantasies or, even worse, flirted when we are out without them.
Gosh that was a bit of a rant – sorry
A wonderful rant indeed.
In defense of men, I do think that they want all of those things but I also want a male supermodel who is a porn star in bed and will do most domestic stuff for me. We are not as delusional as men and society has not given us unrealistic expectations to hold our men to. We hope that they will do their best in all aspects of keeping themselves fit, helping around the house and such. I would hope that they would hold the same expectations of us. ,,,and life together in the relationship is a compromise.
The challenging thing is that we are both wired differently and those hormones reinforce their animistic side and hide their nurturing side. At its core, this site hopes to come up with ways to help our men see these differences more clearly and work with us (not against us) to tinker with their hormones to help make us the perfect power couple of supermodels who both do house work and fuck like porn stars in the bedroom.
That’s the dream anyway. <3
I will find some sources for you but there have been extensive studies that show in (especially male) same sex couple the one who is more of the “homemaker” will often have a hormonal shift to accommodate. This is in addition to a programmed hormone shift that starts about 3-4 weeks before childbirth if the father is an active participant and often last for months after to encourage bonding.
Sorry for addition reply, I really can’t see a way to edit a comment. Also I may have been a tad fiery there, not the intention.
I also could not find reliable studies that had information on my claim for same sex couples(that were clinical studies i could not read beyond the abstracts of) so, that may have been my brain mushing things together. These are the relevant links for fathers to be and hormone change if you are interested.
“I don’t think that ‘modern man’ actually exists. Sure many help more with the domestics and child care but that’s usually more out of necessity as both partners are often working – the 1960s stay at home Mum is a rarity these days (I’d give my high teeth to be a lady that lunches – lol).”
Hi, that’s me. I exist. I think… I’m not offended by your rant at all to be clear just letting you know its possible. It takes some expert level financial discipline, which was my wife’s project. I am very aware of the rarity of me, so does my wife so we make a good balance of it. I can be in fact awkward and occasionally alienating. Part of that is my own head I know, but it’s there non the less.
Okay I accept that it is possible and you are obviously one of those, so I probably should have said that they are a rarity as opposed to not existing at all.
However my main point was that ‘modern man’ isn’t as prevalent as the media and others might like to portray.
Best wishes to you and your wife as ones who break the mould
I may have been defending my position a bit more aggressively than needed. I know I am something of a unicorn, if anything I should be thanking you to help me not forget that fact. I am the effective definition of a 50s housewife(minus the poodle skirt, for now lol) and it makes me happy, and when I am doing it right it takes an intense amount of dedication. The only other people I have met that was in a similar situation were an older couple in their late 50s. They used to be regulars where I worked and they had an amazingly strong relationship. I got to speak with them in detail when it was slow and it began to change my own views on gender roles. Not a large sample size by any metric to be sure.
I don’t think my wife and I will be breaking any moulds anytime soon. I would not want anyone else to have to get where I am by the path I took. I am very happy with where that road has taken us, but it would sure be nice if some could build a Bypass.
i agree with the article and MsTara. In my experience, modern men ‘help’ but still leave the majority of housework in women’s hand. i remember having read an article of a woman talking about the fatigue of working and then coming home to manage her partner (tell him everything he needs to do), and how managing and doing is exhausting.
i do think we are wired to be monogamous, but we men are so ‘weak’ to our instincts that are always looking. As a long-term relationship evolves, it just becomes deeper and produces a happiness that (IMO) can’t be replaced by many short relationships. Maybe the ideal is what Emma is doing on having a stable partner and a boyfriend. As my Queen and i evolved into a ‘vanilla Wife-Led Relationship’ i totally lost the interest of casual sex as now i CRAVE the connection that we have. She also loves that connection, that constant attention and openness that comes with me completely focusing on Her.