For those of you keeping track, this is part four of a recent series about my life. I’ve tried to write it in a way that makes sense even if you are starting with this blog but feel free to check the others out. I could have done a better job of keeping them organized sequentially but I didn’t. So there. The previous blogs are linked below for those of you keeping score.
I don’t feel like the appeal of newness can be overstated. New relationships always seem perfect unless you have walls up and are desperately looking for red flags (real or perceived) with which to self-sabotage things. I’ll pretend to know nothing of these things. Let’s pretend that I never said that and start over. Ok? Thanks.
Seriously though. There is always a great deal of fun and excitement attached with new relationships regardless of the type. Platonic friendships, romantic relationships, friendships with benefits, they all are quite different and offer new and exciting experiences. We all get discouraged or depressed when that newness wears off. Am I losing interest, is he losing interest in me. So many questions! Eventually those feelings of newness grow to be a distant memory as you work on the relationship in its current state. That relationship evolves and matures and so is the cycle of healthy relationships.
What happens when those feelings of newness come back, for a different person and in a different way? Can we have feelings of newness in one relationship while nurturing another? This is how I’ve felt as I’ve come to know Andrew a bit better. Andrew is new, exciting and most importantly… not Kevin. I mean that in the most flattering of ways. Kevin is my rock, he is my partner and he is my everything. Our relationship isn’t stale by any sense of the word but the newness has worn off and we’ve both acknowledged it. To be clear, the quality of the relationship isn’t defined by the levels of newness. We choose to define our relationship by our love and commitment for each other; both of which are stronger than ever.
Andrew on the other hand, is new. We met playing ping pong several months back. Unlike my last few posts about our developing relationship, this one is written in the present tense. Since those ping pong games, our relationship has matured for several months. We are having fun. Neither Andrew nor I are looking for anything long term or serious and I’ve been very clear that the man I love is not going anywhere.
So what does the dynamic of our new third wheel look like? What are we doing to harness this newness? What will we do when the new car small is gone? Kevin and I are both enjoying spending time with our new friend. We both communicate regularly and openly to make sure that we aren’t doing anything to ruin what we’ve got. We both agree that the biggest milestone is that we bought a third controller for our Xbox. That has to say something, right? We spend a few evenings a week together. I spend a few evenings alone with Kevin to keep that fire burning and in the last couple weeks I’ve begun spending an evening a week alone with Andrew.
That last sentence seemed very poignant as I typed it. I’ve begun spending an evening a week alone with Andrew. It is fun for things to be different. Fun to break up the routine. Maybe we are just changing one routine for another. I don’t really know. All I know is that we are having fun with it for the moment. We’ve had talks about jealousy and it has become an issue recently for both guys, not just Kevin. The first night that I spent time alone with Andrew that I described in part three, wasn’t sexual in the least bit but it led to a very deep conversation.
After meeting with Andrew that day, we didn’t see him for three days as we worked on our relationship. Despite encouraging me to go see Andrew on my own, Kevin’s feelings were hurt. Kev felt a great deal of guilt for feeling that way because he knew that I enjoyed my time with Andrew and was confident that he wasn’t a threat. We talked about the psychological reasoning behind it and researched and discussed mate guarding at length. I’ll probably do a blog about sperm competition and mate guarding at some point, it is really quite interesting. Kevin and I talked through things and slept on it, bringing the conversation up again the next day. We talked some more and ultimately decided to keep Andrew in the picture and work through our feelings together.
It helped Kevin to know that he had the power at any time for us to stop seeing Andrew and likewise, I did as well. I gave him my word that we would continue to verbalize our feelings together as things played out. So back to my evening a week alone with Andrew. It felt different. It felt new. It felt exciting. I really enjoyed the way it made me feel and I enjoyed connecting with him one on one. It didn’t always end up with me sleeping over at his apartment but sometimes it did. It didn’t even always end up at his apartment. One evening we just went out to dinner at the most elegant place in a three block radius. Applebees. I should add that my blog is in no way sponsored by Applebees. I’m not opposed to it but the ball is in their court. Our lighthearted flirting was a welcome distraction from some of the deeper conversations that Kevin and I get into. Many of them are about this blog or philosophical topics. The conversations about Andrew are almost always about getting to know him and learning about his likes and dislikes. We have quite a bit in common but we are at odds when it comes to politics and religion although we are mature enough to push those aside and communicate about other topics since we’ve established that we will likely never see eye to eye.
Initially I was very conflicted about the amount of detail and information I shared with Kevin. I felt like I wanted to protect his feelings but after some very deep discussions, we decided that he is most comfortable when he knows all of the information. The unknown is a deep pit that is easy to fall into and that is the place he visited during my first alone time with Andrew. Kevin trusts me and loves to see my eyes light up as I talk about things I enjoy. He also enjoys feeling compassion discussing things that I may not like as much. The one that it added to our relationship is a tremendous amount of conversation. As I recite conversations that Andrew and I had, some of the topics turn into conversation between the two of us.
In the previous blog, someone asked about locking Kevin or Andrew. Nothing is changing with my relationship with Kevin. The supporting and nurturing role that I need from a partner is reinforced by our mutually agreed orgasm control. Kev’s is truly the perfect partner when we are on our weekly schedule. We have a partnership in life and in the home and we have a loving and nurturing bond. When Andrew sleeps over, Kevin is unlocked and we all play together but that doesn’t mean that Kevin needs an orgasm each time. Andrew understands the dynamic of our relationship and respects the boundaries that we’ve discussed. Don’t forget also that Andrew plays a different role with us and I don’t need the same emotional bond from him that I do from Kev. I am not looking for a second partner, my partnership with Kevin is stronger than ever.
I find the constant assured positivity in our relationship is important to me and encourages excitement, exploration and happiness. I never speak ill of either behind their back and I would never tolerate either of them doing it when I am around. I don’t want our lives to turn into a spiral of negative emotions. I realize that unless we keep our communication skill strong, we are playing with fire and it certainly could have the potential to do so. No secrets, just open communication between all of us.
Through all of this, I’ve been reading Reddit’s poly forum and trying to understand the road I am on. Before you read too far into that, I don’t consider myself poly but it bears the closest resemblance to what we are exploring together. My initial reaction is that Polygyny (2F 1M) is much more prevalent than Polyandry (2M 1F). In typical Emma fashion, I’ve explored this to exhaustion and it seems that polyandry isn’t very prevalent in our society or our species. My guess is that females through the generations have needed to pair bond with one or several males to ensure care of themselves and their offspring.
The invention of birth control is truly game changing since it allows the females of the human species to gain control of their body’s reproductive capabilities. As an extension of that, we can even change the types of relationships that we consider as normal within our society. Among the group of friends and relatives that I have, most pregnancies are planned. A few of them have been trying for some time without result but the resulting pregnancy (if it happens) will be a planned pregnancy. Without birth control, pregnancies weren’t planned. This means a woman who was sexually active with more than one man wouldn’t be able to rely on that man to care for her when she was incapacitated due to pregnancy. I am talking about pregnancy in a very matter of fact way and I apologize for that. I’m not trying to minimize the miracle of life or anything, just trying to look at the societal impact of pregnancy as a whole.
This article describes my thoughts well and explains why there are virtually no polyandrous societies in existence today
When multiple men are officially married to one woman, who is “supposed to” mate with all of them, the co-husbands have very little reason to believe that a given child of hers is genetically his, and will therefore not be very motivated to invest in it. If the children receive insufficient paternal investment, they will not survive long enough to become adults and continue the society. Nonfraternal polyandry therefore contains the seeds of its own extinction.https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200806/why-are-there-virtually-no-polyandrous-societies
It seems that the hangup for polyandrous normalcy comes down to pregnancy and children. If pregnancy and childbearing is taken out of the equation, I wonder if this is something that will become more normal over the next generation or two.
As usual, I got off topic. The topic was newness but I somehow turned it into sperm competition and societal changes due to birth control. Sorry all. The inquisitive mind never sleeps.
Reeling things back in and summing things up about my current reality. I have two guys. I spend about 1/3 of my time with Andrew and about 2/3 of my time with Kevin. We are having fun and we are both enjoying ourselves. Kevin and Andrew are friends and I truly enjoy the company of both guys. Let’s see where this takes us. This is the last of the multi-part series but I’ll make sure that I give updates as time goes on.
I’m glad to read that your story is progressing step by step. Reading this article has taken me back 2 years where I also questioned (and learned) a lot about the ins and outs of a polyamorous relationship.
If I have to make a balance sheet today I would say that, in my opinion, and although Matt and my “friend” know and appreciate each other there is still a kind of underlying competition between them (yet my time split is not 1/3 2/3, far from it and I had already had my daughter with Matt before it started). I often asked Matt about this but he never told me directly. Maybe these gentlemen see us as a trophy?
More than verbal communication, non-verbal communication (our little diaries) helped us a lot to better understand our approach to this relationship at that time.
In conclusion, I look forward to reading the article on sperm competition.
The competition and jealousy are interesting to watch and discuss with Kevin as he is more open and better able to verbalize his feelings.
Check out this article.
Jealousy may also affect the stability of a polyandrous union. Jealousy has been
labeled as a psychological adaptation that functions to keep one from losing the resources provided by one’s partner (Daly et al. 1982; Wiederman & Allgeier 1993; Buss et al. 1992; Buss & Haselton 2005). While females are at risk of losing protection and
provisioning from a male partner, males are at risk of losing sexual access to their female partner, or worse, of being cuckolded and providing resources for children that are not
This one is also interesting
Rereading this article and discussing it this week with Matt, it occurred to me that the hardest thing for him to accept (which according to him had caused him the most jealousy) was when my “friend” and I decided to give up condoms (we were both clean and I was wearing an IUD, so why bother with a piece of plastic).
He felt like he was losing the privilege of being the only man to have unprotected sex with me.
Perhaps this sperm competition begins in the minds of our men long before it happens in our wombs.
As a guy who has never done a threesome of any kind it seems like there would be lots of competition in the bedroom. Does one of them take the lead and the other take seconds or how does it even work? Does the competition in the bedroom lead to conflict outside? Can you explain?
I went into some pretty graphic detail in a couple of the earlier blogs. I felt like a erotic novel writer. I know some of you thought that was bordering on what you felt comfortable seeing on this site so I won’t get into too much detail with this response. You are welcome to ask on the forum and I can give some more detail if my response doesn’t clarify.
There isn’t much with regard to competition, at least from my end. The focus is on me, which I adore. We do tend to start with one boy and finish with the other but I mostly dictate the positions which also dictates who will be where. This isn’t “old hat” by any means, we’ve only done things as a group a few times since the blogs that I posted. We are certainly still finding our way. The guys don’t tease each other, I wouldn’t be alright with that.
I know you say the attention is on you but do they ever give attention to each other? Has this been discussed? If anything between the two of them was desired. Would you allow it?
If something like that happened I wouldn’t be opposed although both of them don’t seem interested.
Fear of the unknown really is worse than than the truth, maybe not because it hurts more, because it has no bottom and can drag everything else with it.
How do you open up these discussions with you and Kev and vise versa?
From a developmental point of view has the possibility of extended time with Andrew been discussed? From the perspective that I have it wound be difficult for me (in Andrews shoes) I know I would want to take my new girlfriend on a short trip or vacation (world events permitting) after a few months of fun seeing and playing. Would that be pushing boundaries too much for something this new?
P.s. I think the way you brought your new relationship to this blog was very well done. It was erotic literature, but tasteful and it offered a big change of pace. That is something all relationships need to feel fresh and fun, and you do have a strong relationship with what goes on here. It seemed like you enjoyed it, maybe start expanding the stories section you created the forums if it helps you stay light hearted and creating.
P.p.s. Birth control is an amazing development in the ability for Women to make their own strong choices in life. But I hate some of the side effects some of the I have observed, admittedly with only a single person over the course of years. Strong hormonal birth control can cause issues, even the more passive one like Mirena cause issues. It is better than being subject to the whims of mother nature and luck but it is an area that needs serious help.
P.p.p.s. I am legitimately sorry that Applebees is the most exciting food nearby. Great food makes conversation so much better and more interesting. Call that a professional stigma. I can understand even corporate American food looks good after months in lockdown mode.
I echo the sentiments of Vikter with regard to your incredible ability to bring the exceedingly important aspects of the topic of your relationship with Andrew and the effects and potential impacts it may have on your beloved Kevin. Your articulate manner and ability to clearly communicate your thoughts is very much appreciated. Bravo young lady!
The subject of cuckolding is a complete mind fuck for me as it relates to my relationship with my Mistress Wife. There are so many tentacles to my feelings about the subject, buy I’ll try to keep my description of those as brief as possible, but might fail. First, I will tell you that She and I have had conversations about sexual relations (for her) with another person. Her instinct tells her that she would prefer to not go down that road for fear of what might ultimately happen in what would potentially, even likely be a highly emotional, very confusing scenario. Newness? Yes, newness is an amazing feeling that you can recognize and enjoy for what it is, and you should be able to wallow in the excitement and pleasure that comes with it. In the end (whatever that may turn out to be) … the newness will wear off. It has to. Then what? The three human beings involved in your relationship all seem to be highly intelligent, secure and perceptive people, and can accept things for what they are presently and potentially into the near term and even long term future. Humans can have their emotions change as circumstances evolve. As such there are potential unanticipated pitfalls that could become apparent that weren’t previously considered. What if Andrew falls in love and wants to claim you as your own? What if Kevin begins to consciously over time feel more and more like the third wheel, or outsider looking in? What if the logical and currently vetted feelings you have for Andrew evolve into something that takes space away in your heart for Kevin? Clearly you are not required nor expected to answer those questions. They are merely hypothetical questions, but those are logically the scary things lurking in the shadows as the three of you progress down your road.
I have mentioned before that my absolute favorite sexual experience with my wife is witness her in the throes of sexual pleasure and ultimate orgasms that they produce. Those sexual activities have always been just her and I and have been amazing. Some more than others, but on average, wonderful. That said and in the context of our Wife Led relationship, the natural progression would be to at least discuss and consider the potential for her to have amazing sexual activities with others that could provide that for her. She has fantasies of course, and in reality, at the end of the day, in our lifestyle relationship, all she would have to do is decide to have sex with another person and it would happen.
In all aspects of my life I am an alpha. Business owner, leader in the community, guy that people always come to for advice and leadership, yuddah, yuddah, yuddah. Alpha in all aspects except one … I have gladly accepted the submissive role in our marriage and all the trappings that go with it, because I knew that she would want to preserve all of the Alpha characteristics that I have/had, many of which were what attracted her to me in first place. As her devoted submissive, I can honestly say that my primary and most important source of pleasure is seeing have her pleasure, sexually or otherwise. Sure I have wondered how it could be to witness my beautiful Mistress Wife having sex with another person merely for the physical joy that would come from it. I’ve asked myself, ‘what would I do if one day she woke and said that she wanted to take on another lover?’ I’ve basically come to the conclusion that I would I would support her decision because she came to that conclusion because it was something she wanted. Because I have thought it, I have basically come to the conclusion that if such a sexual interlude that she would have was with someone that would be a recurring (enough) partner, that I would probably be upset about it … based on the worry of what could happen to our beloved relationship.
So what to do? Well … I don’t know because I am not faced with that prospect, yet. Because of the orgasm control, tease and denial, edging and mostly ruined orgasm I am allowed (not complaining), that it is difficult to also be the long lasting male lover that we both know wants from time to time. It’s a conundrum in a relationship like ours, because it realistically means that we as a couple we have to choose between all of the relationship (and sexual) joy that come from the way we (She) manages my sex, and the ability for her husband to fuck his wife in a way that suitable and satisfying to her … without the use of desensitizers, cock sleeves and the like.
I don’t know what our future holds in regard to whether or not she would decide to have sex with another, but I am comfortable in knowing that whatever it is she might decide would be something that I would ultimately support with enthusiasm. In our relationship, it is not ever about what I want (although she cares about I want when considering things), but if I were to asked how I would want the situation to be, I would have to be honest and say that I would be completely on board with it and would like for whatever lover she took on to be new and non-recurring. You know, for the Newness … which we both know is a fantastic aphrodisiac. *smile We have always had a half-joking saying for each other, even before we entered our WLM, that either of us could have sex with anyone else as long as the other one of us was present. If my wife were to take on a another lover, for me anyway, that would make it go from half-joking to reality. I don’t think I would be able to handle alone time for her another person, be it just overnight down the hall, or a weekend at a hotel somewhere. Although I implicitly trust my beloved wife to be able to manage such a thing emotionally, I pretty sure I can’t trust my head enough to get all fucked up at what may be happening.
Thank you so much for the thinks to the Mate Guarding and Sperm Competition articles. They make so much sense.
Emma, again I am grateful for having come across your impeccable blog for the reasons already stated above, and I am so very much looking for each and every new blog and forum entry that is yet to come. Thank you for this blog!
Thank you for your comments as well, they offer a great and frequently different perspective than I have. Share the blog with your friends!
This part of your comment is very poignant and seems to be extremely common:
In all aspects of my life I am an alpha. Business owner, leader in the community, guy that people always come to for advice and leadership, yuddah, yuddah, yuddah. Alpha in all aspects except one … I have gladly accepted the submissive role in our marriage and all the trappings that go with it, because I knew that she would want to preserve all of the Alpha characteristics that I have/had, many of which were what attracted her to me in first place.
Beautiful posts! Regarding polyandry, my experience as a man not having sex with his Queen, i think it’s down to male’s insecurities. Sorry by the brute comment, but we’ve been conditioned to think that we males somehow ‘own’ our female partners; to me this is consistent with the polygyny numbers, as the other way seems ‘valid’ with that mentality of owning.
But once Kevin completely realizes his unique position i’d think he’ll embrace it totally, not seeing Andrew as competition but indeed as someone that helps providing something else for you. For me, for example, i am sure of what i bring to my Queen so if She ever decides to have a boyfriend i’d totally support Her (and i think i’d be thankful to Him), in the same way i’m thankful to Her female friends for providing something i cannot provide (while maybe as newlyweds i was more on the ‘jealous’ side not wanting Her attention for me split too much).
Loving your blog!