For those of you keeping track, this is part four of a recent series about my life. I’ve tried to write it in a way that makes sense even if you are starting with this blog but feel free to check the others out. I could have done a better job of keeping them organized sequentially but I didn’t. So there. The previous blogs are linked below for those of you keeping score.
I don’t feel like the appeal of newness can be overstated. New relationships always seem perfect unless you have walls up and are desperately looking for red flags (real or perceived) with which to self-sabotage things. I’ll pretend to know nothing of these things. Let’s pretend that I never said that and start over. Ok? Thanks.
Seriously though. There is always a great deal of fun and excitement attached with new relationships regardless of the type. Platonic friendships, romantic relationships, friendships with benefits, they all are quite different and offer new and exciting experiences. We all get discouraged or depressed when that newness wears off. Am I losing interest, is he losing interest in me. So many questions! Eventually those feelings of newness grow to be a distant memory as you work on the relationship in its current state. That relationship evolves and matures and so is the cycle of healthy relationships.
What happens when those feelings of newness come back, for a different person and in a different way? Can we have feelings of newness in one relationship while nurturing another? This is how I’ve felt as I’ve come to know Andrew a bit better. Andrew is new, exciting and most importantly… not Kevin. I mean that in the most flattering of ways. Kevin is my rock, he is my partner and he is my everything. Our relationship isn’t stale by any sense of the word but the newness has worn off and we’ve both acknowledged it. To be clear, the quality of the relationship isn’t defined by the levels of newness. We choose to define our relationship by our love and commitment for each other; both of which are stronger than ever.
Andrew on the other hand, is new. We met playing ping pong several months back. Unlike my last few posts about our developing relationship, this one is written in the present tense. Since those ping pong games, our relationship has matured for several months. We are having fun. Neither Andrew nor I are looking for anything long term or serious and I’ve been very clear that the man I love is not going anywhere.
So what does the dynamic of our new third wheel look like? What are we doing to harness this newness? What will we do when the new car small is gone? Kevin and I are both enjoying spending time with our new friend. We both communicate regularly and openly to make sure that we aren’t doing anything to ruin what we’ve got. We both agree that the biggest milestone is that we bought a third controller for our Xbox. That has to say something, right? We spend a few evenings a week together. I spend a few evenings alone with Kevin to keep that fire burning and in the last couple weeks I’ve begun spending an evening a week alone with Andrew.
That last sentence seemed very poignant as I typed it. I’ve begun spending an evening a week alone with Andrew. It is fun for things to be different. Fun to break up the routine. Maybe we are just changing one routine for another. I don’t really know. All I know is that we are having fun with it for the moment. We’ve had talks about jealousy and it has become an issue recently for both guys, not just Kevin. The first night that I spent time alone with Andrew that I described in part three, wasn’t sexual in the least bit but it led to a very deep conversation.
After meeting with Andrew that day, we didn’t see him for three days as we worked on our relationship. Despite encouraging me to go see Andrew on my own, Kevin’s feelings were hurt. Kev felt a great deal of guilt for feeling that way because he knew that I enjoyed my time with Andrew and was confident that he wasn’t a threat. We talked about the psychological reasoning behind it and researched and discussed mate guarding at length. I’ll probably do a blog about sperm competition and mate guarding at some point, it is really quite interesting. Kevin and I talked through things and slept on it, bringing the conversation up again the next day. We talked some more and ultimately decided to keep Andrew in the picture and work through our feelings together.
It helped Kevin to know that he had the power at any time for us to stop seeing Andrew and likewise, I did as well. I gave him my word that we would continue to verbalize our feelings together as things played out. So back to my evening a week alone with Andrew. It felt different. It felt new. It felt exciting. I really enjoyed the way it made me feel and I enjoyed connecting with him one on one. It didn’t always end up with me sleeping over at his apartment but sometimes it did. It didn’t even always end up at his apartment. One evening we just went out to dinner at the most elegant place in a three block radius. Applebees. I should add that my blog is in no way sponsored by Applebees. I’m not opposed to it but the ball is in their court. Our lighthearted flirting was a welcome distraction from some of the deeper conversations that Kevin and I get into. Many of them are about this blog or philosophical topics. The conversations about Andrew are almost always about getting to know him and learning about his likes and dislikes. We have quite a bit in common but we are at odds when it comes to politics and religion although we are mature enough to push those aside and communicate about other topics since we’ve established that we will likely never see eye to eye.
Initially I was very conflicted about the amount of detail and information I shared with Kevin. I felt like I wanted to protect his feelings but after some very deep discussions, we decided that he is most comfortable when he knows all of the information. The unknown is a deep pit that is easy to fall into and that is the place he visited during my first alone time with Andrew. Kevin trusts me and loves to see my eyes light up as I talk about things I enjoy. He also enjoys feeling compassion discussing things that I may not like as much. The one that it added to our relationship is a tremendous amount of conversation. As I recite conversations that Andrew and I had, some of the topics turn into conversation between the two of us.
In the previous blog, someone asked about locking Kevin or Andrew. Nothing is changing with my relationship with Kevin. The supporting and nurturing role that I need from a partner is reinforced by our mutually agreed orgasm control. Kev’s is truly the perfect partner when we are on our weekly schedule. We have a partnership in life and in the home and we have a loving and nurturing bond. When Andrew sleeps over, Kevin is unlocked and we all play together but that doesn’t mean that Kevin needs an orgasm each time. Andrew understands the dynamic of our relationship and respects the boundaries that we’ve discussed. Don’t forget also that Andrew plays a different role with us and I don’t need the same emotional bond from him that I do from Kev. I am not looking for a second partner, my partnership with Kevin is stronger than ever.
I find the constant assured positivity in our relationship is important to me and encourages excitement, exploration and happiness. I never speak ill of either behind their back and I would never tolerate either of them doing it when I am around. I don’t want our lives to turn into a spiral of negative emotions. I realize that unless we keep our communication skill strong, we are playing with fire and it certainly could have the potential to do so. No secrets, just open communication between all of us.
Through all of this, I’ve been reading Reddit’s poly forum and trying to understand the road I am on. Before you read too far into that, I don’t consider myself poly but it bears the closest resemblance to what we are exploring together. My initial reaction is that Polygyny (2F 1M) is much more prevalent than Polyandry (2M 1F). In typical Emma fashion, I’ve explored this to exhaustion and it seems that polyandry isn’t very prevalent in our society or our species. My guess is that females through the generations have needed to pair bond with one or several males to ensure care of themselves and their offspring.
The invention of birth control is truly game changing since it allows the females of the human species to gain control of their body’s reproductive capabilities. As an extension of that, we can even change the types of relationships that we consider as normal within our society. Among the group of friends and relatives that I have, most pregnancies are planned. A few of them have been trying for some time without result but the resulting pregnancy (if it happens) will be a planned pregnancy. Without birth control, pregnancies weren’t planned. This means a woman who was sexually active with more than one man wouldn’t be able to rely on that man to care for her when she was incapacitated due to pregnancy. I am talking about pregnancy in a very matter of fact way and I apologize for that. I’m not trying to minimize the miracle of life or anything, just trying to look at the societal impact of pregnancy as a whole.
This article describes my thoughts well and explains why there are virtually no polyandrous societies in existence today
When multiple men are officially married to one woman, who is “supposed to” mate with all of them, the co-husbands have very little reason to believe that a given child of hers is genetically his, and will therefore not be very motivated to invest in it. If the children receive insufficient paternal investment, they will not survive long enough to become adults and continue the society. Nonfraternal polyandry therefore contains the seeds of its own extinction.https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200806/why-are-there-virtually-no-polyandrous-societies
It seems that the hangup for polyandrous normalcy comes down to pregnancy and children. If pregnancy and childbearing is taken out of the equation, I wonder if this is something that will become more normal over the next generation or two.
As usual, I got off topic. The topic was newness but I somehow turned it into sperm competition and societal changes due to birth control. Sorry all. The inquisitive mind never sleeps.
Reeling things back in and summing things up about my current reality. I have two guys. I spend about 1/3 of my time with Andrew and about 2/3 of my time with Kevin. We are having fun and we are both enjoying ourselves. Kevin and Andrew are friends and I truly enjoy the company of both guys. Let’s see where this takes us. This is the last of the multi-part series but I’ll make sure that I give updates as time goes on.