This is an ongoing story about my life with Kevin, our neighbor Andrew and the new and interesting dynamic that is coming from our new relationship. You can read previous blogs about our story or you can start here. Either way, enjoy!
It was a lazy Saturday afternoon, Kevin and I were playing some video games and he suggested that we see what Andrew is up to. I agreed and texted him. Andrew responded that he would be right over and I unlocked the front door so he could come in.
Andrew lives in the same apartment complex as us so it was only a few minutes before he arrived and walked in the front door, announcing himself as he walked in. “Hey sexy neighbors”, he said as he came in the door. We laughed and he sat on the couch between Kevin and I. We were playing a two player fighting game and Kevin handed the controller to Andrew. Kev had all but given up because he was quite literally getting his ass kicked by me. Andrew wasn’t much better, I continued to show both boys how a girl can lay the proverbial smack down.
After two or maybe three games, I could tell that my relentless ass-kicking was getting both guys frustrated and I was feeling a bit feisty. I leaned over and laid my head in Andrew’s lap. I felt him begin to get aroused so I stood and motioned to the bedroom. Kev saw and started to get up and join us but I told Kev that we would be right back. Winking as Andrew stood and walked with me toward the bedroom
Our sexual relationship with Andrew has gone on for some time now. Kev and I have been exploring what I suppose is a poly friends with benefits arrangement with Andrew that began with a game of table tennis. As Andrew followed me to the bedroom, I could tell that Kev was jealous. After all, Kev was the one that had suggested that I ring up Andrew. I knew he was hoping for the quality time that Andrew’s visit might imply. I shut the door behind me as I entered the bedroom.
After playing a two player sexual game with Andrew for about 45 minutes, we exited the bedroom to see Kevin looking at us both with a smirk on his face. I sat beside Kev on the couch and Andrew sat beside me. We talked about everything but the obvious and made some plans to have dinner delivered. We had some fun playing more video games – actual video games rather than the weak video game analogy that I used above.
After enjoying some dinner together, Andrew headed home and I asked Kevin what he thought about the evening’s events. Kevin didn’t say much and I asked him about jealousy which I could tell was present. He said that it did make him feel jealous and left out. Kev went on to express concern that I preferred Andrew over him. He proceeded to tell me that he felt insecure, like he was being replaced and somehow wasn’t enough.
I reassured Kevin about my love for him and told him that I wanted to push the limits a bit to see where our barriers should be since we hadn’t experienced much in terms of jealousy together. Kevin sighed and said that he hoped it was one of my little experiments. I continued to reassure Kevin that his jealousy was nothing to be ashamed of. We talked about which parts of his feelings were based on envy and which parts were accompanied by fear and insecurity.
I spent the evening giving Kevin attention, affirmation and reassurance. I apologized for my little test but I really wanted to spur communication about jealousy and I hadn’t seen it yet. I wanted to confront it head-on. Kevin acknowledged that he had felt bits and pieces up until that point but the scenario forced him to confront it as well.
After some discussion, I did apologize to Kevin for my arguably cruel trick and reminded him that he can pull the plug at any time. Kev is my priority and anyone or anything else is just a fun distraction to experience together. I acknowledged that what I did was potentially destructive and Kevin explained that it rekindled feelings of past hurt and betrayal. We had a wonderful talk and we both felt alive at the evening’s emotional roller coaster.
Did part of me like to see the jealous side of Kevin? Yes. I admit that I did like to see him upset and needing my deep reassurances. Did I single-handedly provoke this situation just to see what happened? Yes. I think I needed some reassurances that Kevin felt some sort of jealousy. We are actually quite good at communicating and we’ve discussed jealousy more than a few times. Kev has felt many things during the course of our experiences with Andrew although most of it was compersion and joy for me.
I didn’t enjoy hurting Kev and leaving him with a level of uncertainty about the depth of the love that I feel toward him. The context that we built together in this situation will give us some guidance so the emotions won’t hit quite so hard next time. Jealousy will certainly happen again but we will be ready to discuss and address it head on next time. As a reminder, reassurance and reward, I handed Kevin his key so he could unlock himself and we went to the bedroom to make love together.
That must have been brutal for Kevin to sit through and I imagine he felt every single second of those 45 minutes… It felt brutal to me and I just read it.
With that said, I applaud the engineering school level stress test you put your own relationship through. I am a believer in the what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger motto, with the caveat that you sometimes need help to recover from what almost killed you. It was far better to test the reaction in such a controlled situation where you could talk immediately to confirm the immediate feelings.
Do you think Andrew’s proximity has an effect on the level of jealousy? With most of these types of relationships there is a solid physical barrier of distance and travel to see a lover. But because of the situation you have he can be there whenever you text in minutes or vise versa.
I am curious about how Andrew felt about it, does he get some of a similar level of communication Kevin does? Or is he more a piece of the experiment? It feels weird to refer to a human as an experiment but there you have it.
I do think the proximity makes a difference and part of me does regret doing the guinea pig test. The jealousy is new and exciting. It made both of our blood pressure raise and it was great to have the highs and lows that it created for our evening. We both certainly felt some intense feelings and our rekindling was equally as intense. I don’t want to get into Andrew’s feelings as it might spoil a future blog that I’ve been working on.
Like I said, it didn’t kill you and you were both there to help the other get back up. Pun unintended but hey. Some tests can’t be fair, and they never should be if you want raw results. If we only make test that we always pass little is gained. I have learned much more from my failures than success. I don’t know that relationship tests have the same metric for success and failure that other ones do or that the risk is worth the information gained from a kobayashi maru level test.
I had noticed the lack of mention of Andrew so I thought to ask, I definitely don’t want to spoil anything.
Oh my goodness. I can only imagine the anguish that Kev went through. I am not here, nor am I qualified to question whether or not Kevin’s true feelings of jealousy were fully met and discharged without lingering negative effects. It’s clear that he loves and cherishes being in love with you a great deal. All I can really do is put myself in Kevin’s shoes and try to relate how I would feel being him in that exact situation. I would be an absolute wreck. Mired in feelings of fear of losing you, inadequacy and jealousy because for those 45 minutes being sequestered from the two of you engaged in private and intimate lovemaking, my mind would probably go right to the worst possible scenarios.
Ever since discovering your blog Emma, it has ignited feelings in me of wanting to allow my Wife to be able to enjoy the intimate love making that another person could provide, only if that is what SHE wanted, not me. Even if it was only because it was new, different, exciting and taboo, and even if was natural extension of my submission and her dominance in our relationship. Actually, especially if it was for those reasons.
In a previous comment I wondered out loud what would happen if Andrew had strong feelings or even fell in love with you. Clearly you are the kind of woman that most men could easily fall for, and especially in the context of the relationship that the three of you have together, and perhaps even more so after your demonstration of purposely excluded what otherwise could be considered a rival for your love. A lot of men (perhaps not Andrew) might interpret it as a not-so-subtle sign that he may be preferred by you for sex, even if only on occasion.
Please don’t take my comments as me being critical. Writing this out helps me learn and grow as I continue to navigate my feelings about the potential for my Wife to take on a lover, and how that would look in reality. I have said previously that if it were happen for, and as we discussed what our parameters/limits might be, I am pretty sure that a limit for me would be me being present anytime there was sex between the two. Maybe it’s unrealistic, or maybe it’s a sign that I might be playing with fire and should be very, very careful about I might be “asking for”. I don’t know.
In any event Emma, you are an amazing woman and this blog is an amazing thing for us like-minded people to participate in. Thank you very much.
subhub
P.S. for some reason I am half erect writing this and I don’t know why.
HAVING FUN WITH IT
Only Two Players
Emma,
I’ve edited down the title of your latest blog above because I find the first title (or tag) kind of ominous in the context of the story you’ve told.
I must say that I feel shaken, upset and a little nauseated having read this blog post The reaction was visceral and I had to reread the blog several times because I found myself skipping parts to get through it. We are only just getting glimpses of a real relationship between you three, but if your communication with Kevin about where this relationship was going didn’t include leaving him in the living room while you and Andrew retired behind a closed bedroom door then what you did was cruel. Or rather, I would have felt it so were I in Kevin’s position and i think I would feel the sting of that cruelty smolder in my heart over time in a manner that wouldn’t simply heal with an apology and a chance to use the key to my chastity device. Though I might wish it were this were the case and act so at the time. Of course if how this evening progressed were part of a plan, or a distinct possibility, that the two of you had discussed in advance, that he had consented to, then I’m sure I’d be wrong and I’m certainly way of base here. (I’m probably way of base here no matter what). But that isn’t really how you told the story.
I just reread the blog and realize that you not only left Kevin alone in the living room for 45 minutes but then, ordering carry-out and playing video games afterward made him experience the jealousy, shame and humiliation of being odd-man-out silently and essentially alone for the rest of the evening.
You write about the conversation you and Kevin have after this dinner, “The context that we built together in this situation will give us some guidance so the emotions won’t hit quite so hard next time. “ are you suggesting that it will be easier for him next time. That his jealousy is a flaw or an emotion that comes from his lack of preparedness. Is jealousy like a sports injury that occurs when a set of muscles and tendons aren’t adequately stretched and strengthened for an activity? Repeated stretching should do the trick and pretty soon it won’t hurt? I see Kevin as having trusted you and made himself vulnerable to you, likely more so than many men do in their relationships, and I would say, in credit to you Emma, because he was given the opportunity to do so by you. Because you gently, and firmly, seductively and analytically led him to this place, arguably for his betterment. But I would also say that jealousy, which is an awful to experience and ugly to witness feeling might just be the best face a lover can put on the deeper pain and sadness of broken trust when he or she is feeling powerless and hurt. I know we aren’t reading these stories like last nights breaking news. Things between you and Kevin and Andrew have already played out as will have and I truly hope for the best. I just hope that we don’t have to learn whether Kevin was in better control of his jealousy next time. Even if that emotion doesn’t rear its “ugly” I’d be concerned about the issues of long term trust and unseen pain.
A year ago in another blog in response to a readers request you said something along the lines of you weren’t quite ready to have Kevin write or log in and comment on your blog. I think you may have referenced Kevin’s comments indirectly on a topic at the time. Has that position changed? Does he read the blog. Does he write in it? In the last few weeks we have all read many interesting stories, blogs and forum posts about polyamory and cuckolding, all very different from one another. I would be very interested to have the conversation here rounded out by Kevin’s participation, by Ruined-Julie and Magical Molly’s husbands as well. Would they be willing to talk/write? Would they be permitted. At least as the stories go Kevin seems to stroll into polyamory with a kind of innocence and enthusiasm, Julie’s husband is described as having a fetish for cuckolding which over time he persuades her to indulge and Molly’s husband enthusiastically takes up her longing for newness and romantic spark by actively encouraging her to find a boyfriend. As articulate and persuasive and appealing as all of these female heroines are I’d be grateful to hear their partners side of things. What they wanted or thought they wanted, how they felt at the time and now over time, and how they have been changed by the process.
I think Ruined-Julie Raises some interesting questions in her blog post:
https://www.evolvingyourman.com/community/everything-else/question-about-cuckolding/ In particular whether distinctions between polyamory, soft cuckolding and hard cuckolding exist and are meaningful. I think the answer is yes probably.
Finally, Emma, you’ve used the metaphor “to pull the plug” to describe the “power” that Kevin has to end the relationship, your with Andrew. I have no idea what he truly wants, or what you or he have done at this point but I think that the term “pull the plug” is quite a loaded term, “lights out,” “parties over now.” Yes he has the power because you’ve given it or you’ve both agreed to it but from this blog post it’s looking like he may holdIng the power to pull the plug on a party to which he isn’t really invited.
Emma I am sorry to write so harshly. I know my tone isn’t very nice and I already regret being a scold and not being more measured or artful in my commentary. I have enjoyed your blog so much and learned a lot. Your writing about relationships and sex, about you and Kevin has changed my thinking about many things. I admire your honesty and courage in providing this part of the story. Most of all in your blog I have seen two people navigate (I see you as the navigator and captain) quite skillfully the many nuances and permutations of being “two” together and I’m worried about where this is headed and worried that “three” may be too much.
Wishing you and Kevin (and Andrew?) the best.
JD
Your harsh tone isn’t unappreciated. I posted this blog fully expecting some backlash because my actions weren’t angelic. I fully understand your position and to a great extent agree. I do a really poor job of chronicling the last few months, (nearly 4!) that Andrew has been in our life. During that time we’ve had sleepovers at our place, I’ve had sleepovers at his place without Kevin.
Without the context that I failed to provide, this probably seems much more cuckoldy than it actually was and I apologize. Kevin was surprised and it led to some great conversation about the topics I mentioned. ALL of these topics had been discussed before but this particular evening brought them all to the surface.
In typical fashion for me, I like to dive into things hard and fast and then pull back and examine what I like and dislike about where things went. We did that with spanking and discipline when we found that it was causing more of a rift than anything. Since then, we’ve only done spanking playfully and that suits us. For others, corner time and punishment may be a daily thing. I’ve left the blogs up and in many cases have added a note indicating that it no longer reflects my views but I write a ton (too much, maybe…) and haven’t dug through all of the old blogs.
Kevin does have the power to pull the plug and take things back to normal at any time understanding that normal may have changed a bit during the journey.
My blog reflects my reality which is often contradictory because I am a scattered mess lol. Seriously though, please don’t look at me as some sort of authority. I am on this journey just like all of you. I only differ because I like to write things down and chronicle my journey. I also like to research things ad-nauseum and putting fingers to keys seems to help me sort things out.
I like things that support my end goal of improving my relationship with Kevin and my happiness and overall personal well being. I dislike things that are rooted in fetish for the sake of fetish unless they bring joy and closeness. My initial take on cuckolding is that it is a male dominated fetish to force the woman to have sex with a man while he watches. For this, I have zero interest. As I’ve learned more about polyamory as it relates to female led relationships/partnerships I have learned that multiple partners for the female does have benefits and isn’t necessarily the fetishy black hole that I thought it was.
Kevin and Andrew and Matt and whomever wants to contribute are more than welcome to post. As I’ve shown in the past, I don’t censor or remove anything except spam posts. Kevin and much more recently, Andrew do read my blog. Kevin and possibly Andrew will both have some blogs coming your way soon, don’t worry. I just don’t know if Andrew’s will be written by him or if I will be working with him to write it.
Please keep the criticism coming, call me on my shit because there is plenty of it. I’ll do my best to call myself out but I never mind someone else watching out for me as well. Sorry for the lengthy response but the point is, I’m no authority. I love having you here but if you want an expert, please look elsewhere.
Edit: I like your idea about the title change so I did it. 🙂
As a cuckolding learner/spectator, i arrived to my conclusion in another (Mz Kaylee) great blog: cuckolding has to be both accepted & known (otherwise it’s cheating). I see @jd’s point so i think Emma stretched Kevin’s acceptance to an uncomfortable point for Kevin, maybe like the spanking. i’ve seen couples have different tolerance to different situations, but as Emma describes Her own personality i don’t see this ‘stretching’ as too out of order in their context.
My take (better explained in my reply to this post?) is that Kevin can be not only healed but grown by showing him how important (for Emma) and irreplaceable is the connection with him. He’ll not only learn how much Emma is invested in their relationship, but hopefully also open himself to love Her more fully. It of course requires maturity and time but to me that’s the path to go.
@Emma, i’m super interested in what you mentioned about polyamory. As cuckolding, i don’t think i’ll take it myself, but i’ve learned my Queen is ‘multi-dimensional’ in needs/connections and i’m interested in investigating other women needs to see if they apply to Her. For example, although i don’t see my Queen as ‘insecure’, i found many women feel more insecurities than we men do, so i make a point of expressing some things to Her that She has told me She appreciates.
I was recently re reading the Q&As you did with Kevin and in one when spanking is brought up he mentioned that even though you were quite harsh he refused to use the safe word because he thought it would “let you down” (might be a slight misquote but the feel was that).
Do you feel that may be part of what is going on? You certainly have trained Kevin to endure for you, but do you think he puts that to far above his own feelings?
Vikter- that’s an interesting thought. I don’t think it is the case but certainly a topic for a conversation with him. Thanks!
Dear Scattered Mess,
I promise not to burden you with the assumption that you are an expert though you set a pretty high bar.
You weren’t supposed to like my edit it was a jab but your embrace of it and your lengthy thoughtful reply leave me disarmed and smiling and a little embarrassed at having underestimated you. Thank you.
I do hope that some of the men in your life, and perhaps some of the others will write in and share their feelings, not because I think they will tell a different story than (ie contradict) the women in their lives but because they will tell a different story than the women on this blog and likely substantially corroborate much of what is said, but also be an antidote to much of the obviously untethered male fantasy that is prevalent (elsewhere but not in your blog).
By the way I’ve been meaning to thank you for my avatar which appeared a few months ago. I’ve never had the pleasure of wearing a dress or seeing myself as having a décolletage. It’s nice. Like I said elsewhere and earlier men just want to look nice and be desirable. ?
JD
Hello.
For my part, Matt reads this blog regularly and actually sees everything I post there.
He never wanted to subscribe to it himself to share with the community, but I will discuss it with him again this weekend and maybe he will revisit his point of view.
The jalousie is a powerful and also dangerous motor.
I feel like I see Matt through Kevin who is torn between the pleasure he feels at knowing I am happy with another man and the fear that I might one day love this other man more than I love him.
But I think I understand how you might have felt. To provoke a feeling of jealousy is exhilarating.
“The jalousie is a powerful and also dangerous motor.”
It really is because jealousy is like a razor sharp knife that if used carefully and properly, is a useful tool for the person wielding that knife. Accidental and unintentional misuse can cause injuries that can result in scars. I suppose that the balancing act that happens on that razor sharp edge is the source of that exhiliration.
i can’t figure the words, but i want to express the male’s perspective on sex and why i think it causes jealousy/insecurity. For me, getting married with my Queen was a dream, i couldn’t believe my luck! Everything was perfect, She is ULTRA beautiful outside and inside. And yet, for some years, i felt some social pressure/accepted ‘temptations’ to look elsewhere for sex; and as a man, the conception of sex varies from “it’s just another activity” to “it’s totally justified to leave wife, life and everything as men have urges and they need to be satisfied”. i traveled for work, so it’s like i had a free pass for this. So for years, i felt i had the perfect wife and life but i could leave her to have sex with whomever i wanted (being a “decent person”, i’d look to provide for her).
Of course that’s totally wrong. But i think it comes down to a combination of how men perceive ourselves and the ‘urges’ men have as if we couldn’t control them. But there’s also something deeper: i feel i had labeled myself as a ‘check’, as the money provider for my Queen, so i understood why other men thought it was acceptable to cheat as long as you keep providing.
My Queen guided us to go deeper into this. i realized women give MUCH more of themselves into relationships. i never considered myself a bad guy but realized i had more of a ‘transactional’ approach: i’ll provide money, you provide sex and ‘everything else’ (as if ‘everything else’ was nothing!). We went deeper and i realized all She provided, the way She gave Herself fully to our relationship/family, and i realized i provided MORE than money and how important i was for our lives. So after all of this, i started truly opening myself and giving myself much more than before. We started calling it ‘the connection’. And we keep increasing it all the time.
So now i think like i truly have a part of Her with me all time, and vice versa. i’ve never been jealous, but in the past i was ‘jealous’ of Her taking Her attention away from me or ‘jealous’ from some of Her meaningful interactions with others. Now, as i know i’m part of Her, i indeed encourage and i’m thankful for other people to provide Her their guidance/friendship/companion. i also take better care of myself, and invest more time giving myself to Her and to the children. Now i don’t have interest on looking for sex elsewhere, don’t feel that ‘risk’ as i feel Her ‘inside’ me. BUT if She hypothetically asked me to have sex with another person i feel i’m still part of Her so i don’t have that feeling of risk i used to have, that idea that sex urges could make me stop loving Her or being part of Her.
Sorry for the length, when i can’t find the right words i throw many words. But i feel most males (in general) are jealous as our idea of sex is less involved than it is (in general) for women. In that sense, i’m the happiest man on earth thinking i am learning to love as women do, much more fully, much more giving, much more thankful … and less insecure. i hope Queens here teach their men how to love.
Wow, very insightful. Your description gave us very clear insight into your mental position/condition during your journey with your Queen. She is as lucky to have you as you are to have her.
‘In that sense, i’m the happiest man on earth thinking i am learning to love as women do, much more fully, much more giving, much more thankful … and less insecure. i hope Queens here teach their men how to love.”
Spot on and very nicely said my friend. The kind of deep loving connection that couples who that practices the ideals expressed by Emma and many of the contributors here feel, is beautiful, natural and real. The more Queens (and their knights) who discover this, the more the word is spreading, and for that I am thankful. It’s a beautiful existence.
Btw, I noticed your subtle tribute to your Queen by what appears to be the proper use of capitalization in references made to (y)ou and the (H)er. I’d love to know about your relationship if you are inclined to compare notes.
Best
subhubphx
Thank you @subhubpx! Sure, i’m around and would love to learn & share, so feel free to contact me (i’m new here so i don’t know if the best way is forums or chat or emails).
I’d love to contact you. I’d prefer emails if it’s all the same to you. Is it appropriate to publish my email address here, or is there a way for me to discover yours?
If you both consent, I’ll share your email addresses with both of you separately & discretely.
i consent. Thank You very much!
Introduction sent 🙂
Sadly I am just now (early Sun morning) seeing this here. I did see the lovely email from Emma with the exchange of email addy’s and replied to you khorina5.
I guess I could’ve just said I consent.
Not a problem, I assumed since you were the one that suggested it 🙂 Have a wonderful Sunday!
Pro Tip – Do something thoughtful for your wife today.
@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j
Thanks Emma, you have a wonderful Sunday as well. And thanks for the Pro Tip. Happily and not coincidentally, my service level to my Wife has increased substantially since being so immersed in these wonderful conversations the past week or so. So much so that Ms. K. has given me some wonderful sexy treats yesterday and today. Yum.
Hi @evolvingyourman_ivcr4j
While re-reading this post and some exchanges we had on other posts of the forum, a question comes to my mind.
Isn’t your will to keep Kevin out of the room also linked to not becoming a “fetish”?
I mean, when Matt was around while I was with another partner, things seemed less natural, as if I was playing a role to please him rather than savoring the moment. Was there a bit of that in you too ?
I hope everyone is familiar with Ester Perel. This podcast mostly celebrates the wife’s claim of sexual freedom from culture, church and marriage. But, in the end she give some insight and advice that may be useful to the women here exploring their own independence.
https://whereshouldwebegin.estherperel.com/episodes/s4-episode1