In my relationship, male chastity is a godsend and I preach the benefits from the highest mountaintop. We use it as a tool to keep our relationship exciting, fun, intimate and loving. There is no rule book for chastity and we’ve had some trials and tribulations as Kevin and I have walked this road together. It is key that we walk this road together. Outwardly it may seem like chastity is about locking your guy and removing sexual energy from your relationship, it is quite the opposite.
The goal is to keep the sexual frustration high and the level of resentment low. It may seem like the more sexually frustrated he is, the more resentful he will be but they actually have an inverse relationship. I’ll go through a couple scenarios with you so we can figure this all out together.
Scenario 1: Lock it and leave it
In this scenario, the woman locks the man and does nothing for the lockup period. No teasing, simply ignores that the man’s penis is locked and goes about her day. You would think this fella would be incredibly sexually frustrated but after a few days the opposite actually starts to happen. His level of resentment will increase as she ignores him. As his level of resentment increases, his desire to direct his sexual energy at his partner decreases and he may become more distant and alone. Mild transgressions are met with reminders of being locked up. In this scenario, lockup is clearly regarded by both partners as a punishment.
Scenario 2: I’m Not That Into It
In this scenario, the woman locks the man and does some mild teasing when he is locked along with some verbal and possibly light physical teasing. For this scenario, she may just not be into it. She may see some benefits during this time and will likely see a hot & cold man. The man will be conflicted between resentment which invokes a pull-away response and sexual frustration which results in a desire to perform acts of service.
Scenario 3: Chastity Symbiosis
For this scenario, the woman locks the man and accompanies with frequent teasing. Punishment for mild transgressions is more touching and teasing but extension of lockup period. Discussions are calm and reassuring but firm. Punishments are based on heightening arousal and bringing resentment levels down. For example: “You didn’t take the trash out tonight so I want you to sit on your hands beside me and watch me masturbate. This could have been you tonight but you made poor decisions.” You can do some touching but stop and say “That’s all you get for tonight, it would have been more but you forgot a few chores today.”
In this scenario, you continually acknowledge that he is locked by doing things to keep his sexual frustration levels high. The sexual frustration will keep his attention focused directly on you.
Resentment
When resentment levels are high, he may pull away and become despondent and depressed. When resentment levels are replaced by heightened sexual frustration, he will be more likely to want to right his wrongs and be in service to you.
If you find yourself in scenario 2 as many of us do from time to time, remember your motivation and come up with one or two ways to boost his sexual frustration. Need some ideas? Check out the following blogs for some great ways to tease your guy.
For more reading on the subject of reducing resentment and increasing sexual frustration, check out The Dark Side of Chastity. In that blog, we explore the concepts we are discussing here in more detail. The darkest side of locking your guy isn’t the latest black vinyl clad BDSM fetish, it is the potential for resentment and the creation of a rift between the two of you.
Let’s Talk About Feelings
When he is locked, you hold the key to more than just his little willy. You hold the key to his emotions. If you want him to be distant, grumpy and contemplative, ignore him completely. If you want him to be loving, caring and doting, give him teasing attention. While it may seem silly since we don’t really understand it, this is a big deal to him. He is handing you control of his most defining characteristic as a man.
It is important that you frequently reinforce that he is doing a good job even when he really isn’t. One pebble of positive/praising energy will result in a boulder of reciprocal energy from him. If he feels like you are proud of him for being locked, it will satiate his need to please you. On the flip side, if you criticize and belittle, he will almost certainly take that pebble of negative energy and turn it into a boulder. The little key comes with a great deal of responsibility and 99% of it is emotional.
So what are you waiting for?
Tease the ever-loving crap out of him and make him rue the day that he met you. If you are in scenario 1, consider some changes or take a break from locking him up until you can be a more active participant. Scenario 2 is a rut that I find myself falling into and many of you probably do as well. Make an intentional effort to tease in some way, every day. Once teasing becomes a habit, you will be at scenario 3 in no time. Torture the poor guy and he will love you for it.
From time to time, particularly when things are busy, I find myself slipping into scenario 2, but it can be surprisingly simple to do little things that push you back towards scenario 3.
I find letting him choose my work clothes for the day is something he really gets a kick out of. Inevitably he will choose a shortish skirt or dress and match that with stockings and suspenders (garters for our US friends), but that simple act means that he is fantasising about me all day, thinking about me in the office in the outfit that he thinks is sexy and hopes other men will too.
It feeds into his cuckolding desires and when I get home I always find him eager to hear how my day went, hoping that some salacious has happened.
I recall recently reading a comment from a poor woman that explained how chastity didn’t work for them. My first thought when reading that was to wonder if perhaps she may have thought that the mere act of placing a cage on her husband was somehow going to change things for the good in the relationship.
This blog does an excellent job of explaining why it is important to understand the basic concepts behind orgasm control and chastity. Early on in our journey we discovered that we would unintentionally fid ourselves in scenario 1. At the time, when frustration and resent were at dangerously high levels, I lashed out with a smart ass comment ….. “It’s tease and deny, NOT ignore and deny”. There was a brief pause followed by mutual laughter which serve to de-escalate the moment.
Although an unconventional way to communicate, it turned out to be an effective way for us to have more and better communication to correct our course. She even thanked me for bringing the issue to the surface for us to recognize it. That was immediately preceding me being punished for the inappropriate way I spoke to her. More communication!
Love this: “Tease the ever-loving crap out of him and make him rue the day that he met you.”
Exactly. Locking is the easy part for us. Once it is locked, you have no choice but for it to be top of your mind. For us, we don’t have the constant reminder of a piece of cold metal locked around our genitals. I’ll be honest, I have to set phone/calendar reminders sometimes just to make sure I am doing my part. It really is a responsibility and it can cause a rift if not taken seriously.
Do you think it is more a responsibility than a vanilla couple who have to schedule date night because of a busy life?
I would also add that I see it as part of my responsibility to acknowledge how much work it can be. I constantly thank my wife for what she does for our relationship. It is in part because of the women here that I have some understanding what chastity entails for her, thank you all for insight. I also try to temper what I know is my insatiable appetite to what the reality of the week is. If I do find myself getting a point where I am getting antsy I try to think of subtle ways to communicate before I get to the point of resent.
Hi Emma, I am enjoying your site. Relatively new to it. Thank you for posting this. Spot on article!
My husband and I have been playing with chastity on and off for over 15 years now. I feel like I am finally more comfortable with it ( took a while!!).
I enjoy the feeling of closeness, connection and focus that it brings. I love that he is really focusing on me and is keen to serve me. At the same time it brings a lot of responsibility that I don’t always like.
I also don’t like to lock him for extended periods as I am still concerned about his health. I know in my head that is should be ok keep him locked longer but somehow I still cannot fully believe it. When we play over a number of days I also prefer to unlock him for the night as he cannot sleep very well when he is locked. So it is my decision whether or not to unlock him at night but I feel better when I do it. I also unlock him when he does intense team sport. What has your experience been with that?
A number of the things that you wrote in your various blogs resonate, for example, about what not to do: I.e lock and ignore. I can relate to that. In the past that occasionally happened to us. I also initially didn’t fully realize how important chastity and having his cock locked was for him. There is no way that he could ever forget it when he was locked! So that created a mismatch sometimes between us. Now I prefer to play for shorter periods of time and focus on the game and teasing him rather than doing it over longer periods and then loosing interest and focus. Chastity is something that initially my partner proposed and it took me a long time to get into it and see all the benefits it could bring to us. For a while I wasn’t able to fully take a lead despite the fact that I had the key. Now it is quite different I feel in control when we play and that I decide if we play. I do value a lot that my husband shared with me what turns him on and I can use this information while teasing him. This is a great gift.
Yay! That is awesome. It sounds like you and your guy have a wonderful relationship. Remember that chastity play is whatever you want it to be. If that means that you don’t leave him locked overnight, that is totally fine.
Overnight erections can be enough to wake your guy up but they are easily relieved by a quick trip to the restroom. You read that right, urinate and the erection goes away. Turns out one of the reasons for nocturnal erections (morning wood) is to prevent the guy from peeing the bed.
If he doesn’t drink anything for an hour before bed and hops out of bed to use the restroom if his cage wakes him up, you should be just fine.
Thanks Emma. Interesting. I can suggest that to him. It has been a while that I kept him locked overnight but might try it tonight!
“For a while I wasn’t able to fully take a lead despite the fact that I had the key. Now it is quite different I feel in control when we play and that I decide if we play. I do value a lot that my husband shared with me what turns him on and I can use this information while teasing him. This is a great gift.”
Very nicely said Marina. We husbands love knowing about this growth from our wives.