One of the more challenging parts of incorporating chastity into your otherwise vanilla relationship is getting comfortable with a lock and key becoming part of your relationship dynamic. We’ve talked about the benefits of incorporating male chastity into your relationship and I won’t go into those for this blog but here are a couple options if you are new to male chastity. Most women what incorporate male chastity into their modern relationship aren’t doing it because they want to leave him locked up forever. You are doing it because his frustration keeps him constantly focused on you every minute of every day. The minimum amount of lockup that gives relationship and behavioral changes is where you want to be.
If your guy is like most men, the first day or two of lockup is annoying for both of you. He is irritable as his body adjusts to the newly confined space. From the third day forward, you’ve reached a relationship utopia that seems to arrive more quickly each time you lock his precious cargo up. This first couple days can leave you wondering if you made the right decision and can even make you feel guilty. Sometimes snippy behavior makes you want to give up on it altogether.
This makes me feel guilty
Locking your guy up can make you feel guilty. Knowing that the man you love is going through a struggle; both physical an emotional can take a toll. The best way to combat a guilty conscience is to talk to him about it. If you are feeling guilty, you may feel like this is unfair. Your feelings and internal struggle can come off as reluctance to participate in this new chastity game and it can lead to a miscommunication that makes chastity unsuccessful. Remember that you embraced this either at his behest or after a conversation where you mutually decided to give this a try to improve your relationship. He may see chastity as a gift that he is giving you. He is giving up something that is near and dear to his heart in an offering to you. He may not be aware of this intention but it should come out in conversation. Accepting his offering and realizing that he is doing this as a sacrifice for you may help with the feelings of guilt. Also, the orgasms. If you are feeling guilty, asking him to drop to his knees to give you one of those should help.
Yet another thing for me to worry about
We are all busy, especially those of you who have young children in the home. Many of you are finding yourself in a new role of home-school teacher and that takes things to a whole new level. The time that you share together as a couple is extremely limited and he wants to spend it locking his wiener up in some sort of cage? Consider for a moment that he may have approached you with the idea of chastity because you are both so busy. The bond of the lock and key is hardly different than the bond of the wedding rings that you wear on your fingers. This is an item that the two of you share together. When he is at work, on a zoom call, traveling, he is constantly reminded of you and the calm reassurance that you bring to the relationship. The average man gets 11 erections per day and that’s just while they are awake. They get another 3 to 5 while they are sleeping. While he is locked, each of these erections is stopped. His cage becomes tight and he may feel a slight discomfort but his mind shifts to you. With each shift of the mind, he may send you a thoughtful text, do a kind deed around the house or even something as simple as thinking longingly about you. If there was a way for you to set 11 reminders on his phone every day, would you do it? I know I would. Consider the possibility that male chastity might make him more engaged with your needs, the household and the kids. Consider that the end result of locking him up might be more quality time for the two of you.
This whole idea is weird or perverted
Your mother probably didn’t tell you that the secret to a happy marriage is locking your husband’s penis in a small cage. This is certainly new, different and falls outside the comfort zone of many couples. You don’t understand it and something feels sick and perverted about it. If he is approaching you with this topic, he has probably been thinking of it for quite some time and has thoroughly researched the pros and cons. Now he has thrown this idea in your lap and expects you to digest it and be at the same level of knowledge and comfort that he is. If you’ve come across this blog, you may be considering or at least researching what the heck this whole chastity thing is about. If so, kudos to you. Male chastity is certainly a different approach at enhancing your bond. Many people think that it is some sort of BDSM punishment but it really isn’t. Chastity can be some whips and chains leather bondage fest if you are into that sort of thing but it certainly doesn’t need to be. We are your average vanilla everyday couple and Kev is typically locked for 6 days of each week. Not a single person would know except the two of us and guess what? I absolutely love our little secret. My key necklace, the goofy puns and inside jokes that every lock and key prompts.
What about sex?
If you are anything like me, you really enjoy sex and expect that a healthy sex life will be a part of your relationship. Locking his penis in a cage makes sex difficult so are you asking me to give up sex as well? No way! This is about redirecting his sexual energy and certainly shouldn’t have a negative influence on your sex life. He will almost immediately be very touchy-feely and offer massages and unsolicited touching. This may be unwelcome in some cases but in many cases, it is a reassuring touch on the neck or innocent hand holding. You should of course communicate any touching that you do not find pleasurable or welcome. The best part is good old fashioned penis in vagina sex. The Let me give you the play by play. You initiate sex and either unlock him or hand him the key to do it himself. He is expected to clean himself either with a quick shower or with a warm washcloth. You two do the deed until he is close to orgasm at which point he withdraws and take a breather for a moment. This can continue for quite a while and his stamina will build up over time. This allows you to have several orgasms and adjusts the orgasm gap that exists in most male/female relationships. When you are done, ask him to lock back up and hand you the key for safe keeping. We have sex several times per week and ejaculation is never expected and rarely a topic of conversation.
Give it a shot
Discuss chastity and consider giving it a shot. You really don’t have anything to lose and it might add a new level of intimacy to your relationship. The transfer of power and the level of implied control is absolutely addicting. Give him some runway because this mental game can be confusing at first and addicting over time. Expect him to talk about it and constantly remind you that he is locked up as if you don’t know or somehow forgot. Learning anything new can be tedious but chastity can be especially so. One of the side effects is a vastly improved sex life, at least for most couples. His non-stop offers of massages and oral sex are a very welcome side effect of the redirection of his sexual energy. Prior to being locked, consider also that he may be masturbating on a near daily basis, most men do and many feel guilty about hiding this from their partner. Chastity frees them from this tie to masturbation and the associated guilt.
Do you remember how he would open doors for you and do nice gestures that would make you feel appreciated at the beginning of your relationship? Another nice side benefit of chastity is the renewal of those acts of courtship. This may be a regression or elimination of the sex barter system. The sex barter system is when your guy subconsciously tries to earn sex by doing various acts. While this might sound like something nefarious, it is quite common and can create unmet expectations and resentment if there is poor communication in the relationship. The sex barter system almost completely disappears after the initial period of three or four days of lockup.
There is no denying that a period of training and familiarization accompanies this new wrinkle in the complexity of your relationship. Getting comfortable with male chastity can be challenging but it won’t be long until it becomes a normal everyday component of your relationship. Chastity contradicts the instinct of your guy and the ends justify what is undoubtedly a very unique method of harnessing and redirecting his sexual energy. Even if you decide that chastity isn’t for you, exploring this together will be a learning experience for both of you and a couple that is comfortable enough to play and communicate together will be unstoppable.
I remember in the early days he got quite frustrated with me as I was fussing too much. I was keen to ensure that it wasn’t going to hurt him and was constantly asking if it was too tight or rubbing at all. I’d unlock him after only a few hours or just a day until he eventually got exasperated and just blurted out to me that he didn’t want me to be fretting over him and that it was part of what he wanted that there was some degree of discomfort.
As quite a caring a nurturing person this was difficult to adjust to, after all who wants their bits in something so restricting? I was comparing it to an ill fitting bra or shoes that are too small and struggled to comprehend why he’d want this. To be honest, whilst I’ve read a lot more since and we’ve been doing it for a long time now, I’m not entirely sure I get it even now. All I know is that he gets a buzz and so do I which at the end of the day is what it’s all about isn’t it?
Several weeks ago, I had to remain unlocked for unrelated reasons and when I was back home, my wife and I didn’t discuss me locking back up. One night I was talking to my wife about how stressed and anxious I was feeling and she said she knew what I needed – to be locked back up. She clicked the lock shut that night and the next day, I felt calmer. It is funny how after a year, me being locked up feels more normal than when I’m unlocked.
This is true for us also, kev can be fidgety and stressed but the reintroduction of the cage brings about an emotional calm. Very interesting.
Very well said! One of your best articles!! Yes, chastity doesn’t have to be cruel or mean, but done in a loving way to help the male be more in tune with his spouse. It is used to control the males orgasms and not waste them and the energy that is lost. It keeps the brain chemicals in the right place. For me, I get in the zone pretty quickly after being locked up, with a day or two. If more couples tried it the way your described it, more would be doing it.
This is an excellent post in my opinion Emma. Being a orgasm controlled and chaste using the honor systems for many, many years, I become a convert to the benefit and use of a cage. I’m currently put in my cage every Monday morning and wear all week long till Friday night, 24/7. All of the good feelings that had previously come from orgasm control, retention, chaste/no-touch/honor system, are automatically and constantly enhanced. It’s a wonderful state to be in.
I’m on the same locked schedule as you. Sometimes she wants to start on Sunday, but most of the time it’s on Monday am right after my shower and then she takes it off on Friday.
Hi dm6360. My Wife chose that schedule to try to balance her love of seeing me locked, and her unfettered spontaneous access to it’s contents. Life is hectic. Seems natural that Friday night through Sunday is when she is mostly to find a use for “her” penis.
Have a good weekend buddy!
This is an excellent post Emma, it’s taken us nearly a year from when I first mentioned chastity to H and bought our first cage (cb6000s) it’s certainly not been easy, but I’d have to say this blog has been our go to source for help and guidance.
The way chastity makes me focus entirely on her is probably the best thing to happen to us in our nearly 30 yrs together, I’d have to say H has blossomed the last 3 months and has really started to embrace the changes in myself, the mastubation talk we had cemented in her mind the fact that this was just the perfect fit for us, initially H struggled with that thought she was denying me the right to cum, she really enjoys PIV, but after lengthy discussions on how I’m almost completely satisfied with periods of near constant arousal she has become more confident and comfortable with this aspect. We seem to be in a weekly or thereabouts schedule of release for myself and her pleasure is just on her terms. Thank you again for this blog, looking forward to were we’re heading.
Ladies – The gradual approach is always best. Start him with 1 – 2 days locked in the cage. Adjustments in cage size or models may be necessary to insure a good fit with no chafing or injury. Once the size is correct, select a good quality secure cage with an internal locking mechanism, so he can’t remove the lock with bolt cutters or a cutting disc (sexually frustrated males can get pretty desperate!) Then systematically extend the chastity lock up time, making sure to push his boundaries of lock up time.
Teasing him with suggestive clothing, sleeping while spooning him from behind, making him wash your back while showering or bathing will all raise his level of sexual frustration, and leave you with a meek and biddable partner who will cooperate and work hard to satisfy you. 🙂
This is one of my favorite articles of yours because it seems to ring true for what I’m seeing my wife and I are experiencing.
At first she was very much thinking on the lines of this being weird and perverted. Then after trying it a few times those feelings mostly faded but I sensed she felt guilty often. I spent time reassuring her that I loved every second of this. Now, she seems to be having genuine fun for the most part. I sense an occasional feeling of guilt and we recently went over two weeks without me being caged with little to no discussion of it. Possibly due to things getting busy or maybe she just didn’t want to play for a bit. I behaved myself during this time although I have to admit it was more difficult to resist temptation being uncaged. It was also much more difficult to keep my focus on her instead of myself.
Regardless of the reason for pausing she decided to make me lock up last night. She told me after “I think you’ve been secretly wanting this.” To which I admitted “I have because it’s fun. I also think I’m not the only one enjoying this.” She giggled and with a playful smile on her face said “Maybe so.”
We’ve grown to look at this more so as a way to help redirect our focus and bring us closer together. It’s been a gift we give each other.