Male ejaculation is fascinating to me, almost as fascinating as my own orgasms. I’ve written about delayed ejaculation and ejaculation training but it might be time for another blog about the subject. Each of us have our own preference for how long a guy should last. My preference varies but it is usually around fifteen to twenty minutes but sometimes a quickie would be nice too. I spoke to forum member @ultimatekim wife of @locked4wife who has helped him through his delayed ejaculation. Let’s hear how they worked through this together.
Hi Kim, welcome to EvolvingYourMan and thanks for volunteering to chat with me about your experiences with delayed ejaculation! Can you tell me about yourself and the challenges when you first met your husband?
Thanks I am happy to help. Yeah I met him and we had a great sex life, a guy that could last for hours seemed like a dream come true to me really. We would have sex and then when we were done, he would take his matters into his own hands and masturbate until he finished. He said that things have been this way for as long as he’s been sexually active?
So what is the problem? Why didn’t you keep that up forever?
There was no problem when we were dating but after my feelings grew I became more interested in his pleasure too. I wanted to not only receive but give an orgasm to him. Knowing I couldn’t give him a orgasm made me feel like I was less than good enough. He assured me that wasn’t a problem but I can’t change how I feel.
Ok so you decided to try and fix things. Tell me about that.
Well first off he knew more than I did about delayed ejaculation. It is also called impaired ejaculation and retarded ejaculation. We did some searching on the internet and it is either caused by guilt from trauma or religious upbringing or by conditioning himself to a certain type of masturbation habit. Your site was one of the pages that came up when we were doing our research and that is how we found your site.
Does he have a certain type of masturbation that is different than most? Did he have some emotional baggage that brought this on? How old are the two of you?
His jerking off seems normal enough to me but I think his body got used to jerking off as the way ejaculation happens. Maybe a tight grip or very specific rhythm or maybe thrusting may be distracting when we have sex. He isn’t aware of any emotional baggage and we are both in our early thirties. He is a couple years older than I am.
Ok so how did you solve it?
I should say that it isn’t completely solved. Sometimes he can’t get off during the time perid and we just accept that as maybe stress. I read somewhere that he could use a fleshlight to train himself to come with a vagina so we bought one of those. We removed his masturbating completely from our lives and he only uses me, my hands or the fleshlight for his pleasure. We would sandwich the fleshlight between our mattress and box spring and he would kneel beside the bed and hump that. My perfect sex lasts about five minutes so we limited him to five minutes. I set a custom timer on my apple watch and give him five minutes to take care of business. If it doesn’t work, no problem we will try again a different day.
We tried this frequently, a couple times a week. It was almost a chore because we were both dedicated to working through it together. At first I got into it and would use my vibrator while he humped the bed but before long I grew weary and would just text or watch tv while he got his daily five minutes. I did remove his five minutes occasionally and it because a reward.
How long did it take from when he gave up masturbating with his hand and when he began to cum within your time limit?
It took a long time for him to cum in the fleshlight, almost two months time. We both committed to give it a try as long as it took and he was a good sport about it. We did this After about two weeks he confided that he was very tempted to touch himself especially when he was home alone. It was at that time when we took your advice and tried a cock cage to help to keep him from touching himself. From that point it really did help since it became more of a shared sexual secret.
After he “mastered” the fleshlight time period was he able to ejaculate during that same time while having sex? What does normal look like for the two of you now?
We stuck with the same five minute time limit and it took a few tries before he came within my limit. We still set the timer most times we have sex. He uses the cage off and on for me but that is mostly for the secondary benefits. The cage makes him a better partner for lots of other reasons that you cover exquisitely in your blog.
Commit to your partner. If the two of you aren’t committed to the process he will be back tugging away in a week or two. Like I said, he confessed to me that he was feeling very tempted so we used the cock cage. That simplified his temptations and I love having the key. We learned about each other sexually and really connected as we worked through this process. Don’t be ashamed of the fleshlight, the cage or the process of working together. If you expect her to entertain you or be some sort of sultry tease for your daily five minutes, you are going to make her resentful. Make it a routine and make it about training your body. This is new for us but we are going to keep using it as a training tool. I want to get him to cum on command if I can.
It is funny you say that, I tried using a training clicker with Kev for a while but we got busy and I failed on the follow through. I’d love to hear how that goes for the two of you. Thanks for allowing me to ask you some questions!
The pleasure is mine, thanks for wanting me to do this.
So there you have it. The fleshlight really is a good tool for stamina training. Whether your guy finishes two quickly or takes too long, the fleshlight and a timer is a great way to try and adjust his body to match your sexual expectations. The challenge that @locked4wife experienced is probably due to penis desensitization due to some very specific masturbation habits. Too tight of a grip, too specific of a thrusting motion or simply doing something that exceeds the expectations of tightness and friction from vaginal intercourse. The fleshlight mimics the vagina and gives a consistent feel. Remember, if he goes back to using his hand the process starts over and all is lost. As @ultimatekim said, you really need to both commit to the process. If you lock him with a comfortable cage when not practicing, you will increase your odds significantly. Good luck!
I have known this problem for years. Indeed, it comes from conditioning through masturbation. It took me to have frequent intercourse and over a period of several months for me to discover orgasm during intercourse.
It’s about repackaging his brain for a man.
Interesting. Thank you for weighing in @servant
A question that ultimatekim and I got into but I didn’t include in the blog is whether a feeling of “not good enough” due to sexual difficulty (delayed ejac, premature ejac, erectile issues) makes the man more submissive or more interested in chastity as a form of sexualized penance? I couldn’t figure out how to add that into the Q&A but your question was a great lead-in.
“Not being good enough” is like a fork in the road for many men. They either turn one way and become more submissive or turn the other way and become abusive it seems.
I don’t know if there is a link between a problem with ejaculation and a desire for chastity.
When I had this problem, I was very sad because I could not live with a woman the pleasure that I experienced in masturbation. It’s like I can’t tell her how much I want her. I was ashamed. I was hiding my problem.
And then I met a woman who trusted me, and over time and having frequent sex, I was able to grow.
From my perspective, using a timer to train a man is likely to cause him stress. Which is never good for reaching an orgasm. I think it takes time and no imperative for a man’s brain to relearn how to cum without masturbation.
What I have found in the domination of a woman is control over sexuality which frees me from all guilt. Not cumming, learning to cum, cumming according to orders, all of this is done under the control of a woman and therefore frees me.
It is not a penance, it is a liberation.
When I was young I had pretty normal function.
I then got with this particular girl, dated for a long while and eventually we married. This was not the brightest idea as we had very different libidos and sexual interests. Between this and other things, we ended up in a dead bedroom situation for about 10 years during which I took matters into my own hands most of the time.
What was interesting about this is over time, it seemed like my brain wired itself to need the combination of stimulation of my dick and my hand combined for normal function. I definitely noticed a substantial drop in sensation in PIV sex, BJ’s and other outside stimulation like hand jobs and fleshlights etc, but it didn’t feel like a desensitized situation like you get with hands doing hard work, or feet adjusting to long hikes type thing. I didn’t need heavy stimulation with my hand for things to work, the lightest touch could be fine. It was a matter of the combination.
This manifested as delayed sometimes and premature at other times. Delayed was just a lack of sensation. Premature was I think a stress reaction to that.
And yes, this did lead to leaning into kinks that masked it as I was never comfortable with it not working as normal.
As it turned out, when I got with my second wife, we where very compatible and she ran with my interest in chastity and orgasm control and the situation resolved it self as me taking matters into my own hands wasn’t something on the table so to speak.
As to “A question that ultimatekim and I got into but I didn’t include in the blog is whether a feeling of “not good enough” due to sexual difficulty (delayed ejac, premature ejac, erectile issues) makes the man more submissive or more interested in chastity as a form of sexualized penance?.”
The Not good enough created anxiety and fear but never a since that I should do a penance for it. I think if I knew I was the cause I could have felt responsible and want to atone, but I didn’t know my masturbation was the cause until after the situation resolved as a side effect of other practices.
As to more submissive? For me, yes. It definitely did not feel very powerful or dominant to have a hit or miss penis.
My lady and I have been together almost two years. She knows all about me and loves me completely, as I do her. Prior to that I was in a long, unhappy marriage (a crossdresser in an unhappy marriage, who would have thought?) and then single for a number of years. Rosie Palm has thus been my sex partner for years. It’s a challenge climaxing any other way than by my own hand. I think it’s a combination of conditions. First, having a penis and hand working under a single, central control system with immediate feedback and adjustments makes dynamic stimulation difficult to beat. Second, my submissive nature gets a turbo-boost from orgasm denial, so there’s a psychological switch that often flips to the “Off” position, such that no type of physical stimulation will work. Our sex lives are thus focused on her orgasms, which I am quite happy with.
That being said, she likes when I climax, too, and so I am working on being better at PIV climaxes (they do happen) but also cumming from oral sex. We’ve accomplished that only once and she loved it. I’ve been spending more time locked in chastity (except nights, which are difficult to endure due to random erections being a bit painful), and we’ve extending my intervals between orgasms as she grows more comfortable in the dominant role. One hope that I have is that eventually, with a long enough build-up period that I’ll be able to climax how she wants, when she wants. Or not, if that’s what she decides.
The previous comments on this post about hand stimulation continuing to affect other means of climax has me thinking. I do save my orgasms for her, but am prone to edging during the intervening periods. Perhaps I need a more hands-off approach. I think it’s worth trying, and I am grateful for this blog, this post, and the comments. Thank you for the idea.
If he has this, I GUARANTEE he masturbates daily or maybe more than one time a day. No masturbating and this idea with a fleshlight is a good way to get rid of the death grip on his dick.
This is similar to what I did with my husband and it worked amazingly! I love hearing Kim’s success story. Here is ours. I think it is years of him training himself for a certain type of stimulation makes it impossible to cum with regular sex.
That is absolutely correct. He becomes accustomed to the pressure and intensity of his hand. It’s way more pressure than he gets from our vaginas, and unless we get very aggressive, it’s more pressure than we can provide with our mouths. That’s not my idea of a pleasurable blowjob.