Male ejaculation is fascinating to me, almost as fascinating as my own orgasms. I’ve written about delayed ejaculation and ejaculation training but it might be time for another blog about the subject. Each of us have our own preference for how long a guy should last. My preference varies but it is usually around fifteen to twenty minutes but sometimes a quickie would be nice too. I spoke to forum member @ultimatekim wife of @locked4wife who has helped him through his delayed ejaculation. Let’s hear how they worked through this together.
Hi Kim, welcome to EvolvingYourMan and thanks for volunteering to chat with me about your experiences with delayed ejaculation! Can you tell me about yourself and the challenges when you first met your husband?
Thanks I am happy to help. Yeah I met him and we had a great sex life, a guy that could last for hours seemed like a dream come true to me really. We would have sex and then when we were done, he would take his matters into his own hands and masturbate until he finished. He said that things have been this way for as long as he’s been sexually active?
So what is the problem? Why didn’t you keep that up forever?
There was no problem when we were dating but after my feelings grew I became more interested in his pleasure too. I wanted to not only receive but give an orgasm to him. Knowing I couldn’t give him a orgasm made me feel like I was less than good enough. He assured me that wasn’t a problem but I can’t change how I feel.
Ok so you decided to try and fix things. Tell me about that.
Well first off he knew more than I did about delayed ejaculation. It is also called impaired ejaculation and retarded ejaculation. We did some searching on the internet and it is either caused by guilt from trauma or religious upbringing or by conditioning himself to a certain type of masturbation habit. Your site was one of the pages that came up when we were doing our research and that is how we found your site.
Does he have a certain type of masturbation that is different than most? Did he have some emotional baggage that brought this on? How old are the two of you?
His jerking off seems normal enough to me but I think his body got used to jerking off as the way ejaculation happens. Maybe a tight grip or very specific rhythm or maybe thrusting may be distracting when we have sex. He isn’t aware of any emotional baggage and we are both in our early thirties. He is a couple years older than I am.
Ok so how did you solve it?
I should say that it isn’t completely solved. Sometimes he can’t get off during the time period and we just accept that as maybe stress. I read somewhere that he could use a fleshlight to train himself to come with a vagina so we bought one of those. We removed his masturbating completely from our lives and he only uses me, my hands or the fleshlight for his pleasure. We would sandwich the fleshlight between our mattress and box spring and he would kneel beside the bed and hump that. My perfect sex lasts about five minutes so we limited him to five minutes. I set a custom timer on my apple watch and give him five minutes to take care of business. If it doesn’t work, no problem we will try again a different day.
We tried this frequently, a couple times a week. It was almost a chore because we were both dedicated to working through it together. At first I got into it and would use my vibrator while he humped the bed but before long I grew weary and would just text or watch tv while he got his daily five minutes. I did remove his five minutes occasionally and it because a reward.
How long did it take from when he gave up masturbating with his hand and when he began to cum within your time limit?
It took a long time for him to cum in the fleshlight, almost two months time. We both committed to give it a try as long as it took and he was a good sport about it. We did this After about two weeks he confided that he was very tempted to touch himself especially when he was home alone. It was at that time when we took your advice and tried a cock cage to help to keep him from touching himself. From that point it really did help since it became more of a shared sexual secret.
After he “mastered” the fleshlight time period was he able to ejaculate during that same time while having sex? What does normal look like for the two of you now?
We stuck with the same five minute time limit and it took a few tries before he came within my limit. We still set the timer most times we have sex. He uses the cage off and on for me but that is mostly for the secondary benefits. The cage makes him a better partner for lots of other reasons that you cover exquisitely in your blog.
Commit to your partner. If the two of you aren’t committed to the process he will be back tugging away in a week or two. Like I said, he confessed to me that he was feeling very tempted so we used the cock cage. That simplified his temptations and I love having the key. We learned about each other sexually and really connected as we worked through this process. Don’t be ashamed of the fleshlight, the cage or the process of working together. If you expect her to entertain you or be some sort of sultry tease for your daily five minutes, you are going to make her resentful. Make it a routine and make it about training your body. This is new for us but we are going to keep using it as a training tool. I want to get him to cum on command if I can.
It is funny you say that, I tried using a training clicker with Kev for a while but we got busy and I failed on the follow through. I’d love to hear how that goes for the two of you. Thanks for allowing me to ask you some questions!
The pleasure is mine, thanks for wanting me to do this.
So there you have it. The fleshlight really is a good tool for stamina training. Whether your guy finishes two quickly or takes too long, the fleshlight and a timer is a great way to try and adjust his body to match your sexual expectations. The challenge that @locked4wife experienced is probably due to penis desensitization due to some very specific masturbation habits. Too tight of a grip, too specific of a thrusting motion or simply doing something that exceeds the expectations of tightness and friction from vaginal intercourse. The fleshlight mimics the vagina and gives a consistent feel. Remember, if he goes back to using his hand the process starts over and all is lost. As @ultimatekim said, you really need to both commit to the process. If you lock him with a comfortable cage when not practicing, you will increase your odds significantly. Good luck!