For women it seems like sex and guilt go hand in hand. If we sleep with him too soon, we feel guilty. If we sleep with too many guys, we feel guilty. If we don’t sleep with our boyfriend enough, we feel guilty. Most sexual guilt is self imposed and you may be guilty of some of it yourself. To experience true sexual confidence, we must rid ourselves of years of societally imposed sexual guilt.
When we are young, virginity is a virtue and once we lose our virginity we must overcome the shame of doing so. Learning to physically enjoy sex and embrace arousal isn’t an easy process for most of us. Couple that with overcoming deep levels of guilt for actually wanting to be sexual it is a wonder anyone actually does it. Except maybe for the fact that it feels good. Once we feel like we get a grasp on sex and have a committed partner, he (or she) may guilt us into having more sex than we want. Perhaps guilt us for wanting a different type of sex or a not wanting a certain flavor of sex. We need to teach our children sex positivity and not burden them with years of guilt which they must unlearn. Get them on birth control when they are young and experimenting. Encourage safe experimentation and exploration of their own bodies with toys and masturbation.
Once we are in a relationship and have a committed partner we can feel guilty if our sexual desire isn’t completely on par with their. We can feel guilty for wanting it too much or wanting it too little. We feel guilty and ashamed about sharing fantasies with our partner. Women crave newness in a relationship and crave variety but we feel guilty about finding ways to experience those feelings. One of my best friends jumps from relationship to relationship because she craves the newness that exists in the first six months. When the newness dies, her interest wavers and she has lost a few wonderful partners because of it. Why must we feel shame and guilt about sex parts and why is sexual desire such a negative thing?
What if sex in a relationship is bad? We feel guilty about telling our partner that we are losing interest. What if we hurt his feelings? There are plenty of relationships that are great aside from lackluster sex life. Why must we destroy a wonderful relationship with resentment because we refuse to talk about what is missing? Talk to each other about your sex life and every few months honestly rate your sex life on a scale of one to ten. Is your sex life a four? A two? A ten? None of those answers should be guilt inducing. If your sex life is a two, figure out what the two of you can do to fix things. Can you spice things up with toys or perhaps a fantasy or two? Is he open to chastity or perhaps pegging? Give them a try to kick things into overdrive. Why on earth would you feel any guilt for bringing any of those topics up. What if you’ve had feelings about another guy? Do you keep it a secret and cheat or do you openly tell him that you have feelings that you want to explore. We all feel chemistry from unexpected places and at unexpected times.
Make your own rules and don’t assume that he will follow the exact same rules of monogamy as your grandmother did. There is a very good chance that he wants you to be as happy as possible, most guys really and genuinely do. Give him the chance by communicating your needs. Do you want to feel something bigger, perhaps more muscular? Maybe it isn’t about the physical form at all, perhaps you just want to feel the sexual chemistry of a new connection.
Sorry about my rant. I’ve been talking to someone about her feelings of sexual guilt and it threw me into a mental state that I needed to write about. Writing helps me sort through things and stops me from dwelling on things that I cannot change.