For women it seems like sex and guilt go hand in hand. If we sleep with him too soon, we feel guilty. If we sleep with too many guys, we feel guilty. If we don’t sleep with our boyfriend enough, we feel guilty. Most sexual guilt is self imposed and you may be guilty of some of it yourself. To experience true sexual confidence, we must rid ourselves of years of societally imposed sexual guilt.
When we are young, virginity is a virtue and once we lose our virginity we must overcome the shame of doing so. Learning to physically enjoy sex and embrace arousal isn’t an easy process for most of us. Couple that with overcoming deep levels of guilt for actually wanting to be sexual it is a wonder anyone actually does it. Except maybe for the fact that it feels good. Once we feel like we get a grasp on sex and have a committed partner, he (or she) may guilt us into having more sex than we want. Perhaps guilt us for wanting a different type of sex or a not wanting a certain flavor of sex. We need to teach our children sex positivity and not burden them with years of guilt which they must unlearn. Get them on birth control when they are young and experimenting. Encourage safe experimentation and exploration of their own bodies with toys and masturbation.
Once we are in a relationship and have a committed partner we can feel guilty if our sexual desire isn’t completely on par with their. We can feel guilty for wanting it too much or wanting it too little. We feel guilty and ashamed about sharing fantasies with our partner. Women crave newness in a relationship and crave variety but we feel guilty about finding ways to experience those feelings. One of my best friends jumps from relationship to relationship because she craves the newness that exists in the first six months. When the newness dies, her interest wavers and she has lost a few wonderful partners because of it. Why must we feel shame and guilt about sex parts and why is sexual desire such a negative thing?
What if sex in a relationship is bad? We feel guilty about telling our partner that we are losing interest. What if we hurt his feelings? There are plenty of relationships that are great aside from lackluster sex life. Why must we destroy a wonderful relationship with resentment because we refuse to talk about what is missing? Talk to each other about your sex life and every few months honestly rate your sex life on a scale of one to ten. Is your sex life a four? A two? A ten? None of those answers should be guilt inducing. If your sex life is a two, figure out what the two of you can do to fix things. Can you spice things up with toys or perhaps a fantasy or two? Is he open to chastity or perhaps pegging? Give them a try to kick things into overdrive. Why on earth would you feel any guilt for bringing any of those topics up. What if you’ve had feelings about another guy? Do you keep it a secret and cheat or do you openly tell him that you have feelings that you want to explore. We all feel chemistry from unexpected places and at unexpected times.
Make your own rules and don’t assume that he will follow the exact same rules of monogamy as your grandmother did. There is a very good chance that he wants you to be as happy as possible, most guys really and genuinely do. Give him the chance by communicating your needs. Do you want to feel something bigger, perhaps more muscular? Maybe it isn’t about the physical form at all, perhaps you just want to feel the sexual chemistry of a new connection.
Sorry about my rant. I’ve been talking to someone about her feelings of sexual guilt and it threw me into a mental state that I needed to write about. Writing helps me sort through things and stops me from dwelling on things that I cannot change.
I was reading something recently that claimed that the National Opinion Research Centre’s general social survey revealed that 15% of married women admit to infidelity which is a figure that has risen by almost 40% for women in the last 20 years.
Now I can’t vouch for the accuracy of this statement, but it would seem obvious that as society becomes more accepting of non traditional forms of relationships, and women become more independent in terms of their financial security as well as control over their own bodies, that the taboos of women expressing their sexuality and desires more openly are fading.
Thus I think that in more liberal societies, such as the UK, the confines that used to say that once married the woman has to put up with her lot have gone. No longer will 50% of the population put up with second best. In terms of sex, I think this has led to women being more confident in expressing what they want. You only have to look at the rise in popularity of shops such as Ann Summers or Lovehoney to know that women are no longer bashful about wanting to try new things. Whether the newness they crave involves new toys or partners, women are beginning to assert themselves.
And whilst this isn’t advocating introducing a third in your relationship, it’s interesting how this option is entering more main stream mediums. In the show on Netflix called Succession the character Shiv Roy has her husband sign a contract in which he agrees to her sleeping with other men. In House of Cards the main female character openly sleeps with a younger man with the approval of her husband.
So, as I say I’m not advocating this route, but I think it is evidence that women’s options are opening up, that society is recognising that women have the right to choose and not be vilified and many men are having to reconcile themselves to this fact.
Very interesting. I think monogamy was incredibly important to women and to society before the very recent invention of birth control in the 1960s. Prior to the 1960s women needed to be very careful about their sexual partners and ensure the guys they slept with would make adequate fathers.
Now our stigma, guilt and selectiveness about sexual partners is far less important but still something that we hang on to as a society. The guilt and sex shaming is related to a potential pregnancy. Since unwanted pregnancy is unlikely and reversible, guilt around casual sex should be gone as well. If I want to do body things with another body, who cares?
Be open with your partner and transparent about needs that are not being met and have fun. Life is too short have such hangups.
It does make sense with women usually being more pragmatic and through time we’ve been responsible with sexual consequences that can last 9 months. I’d love to hear that podcast if you can locate it.
Emma, I don’t know whether it is true, but my wife is convinced that women are more judgmental of women who have sex with men other than their husbands than men are. She is very discrete about her affairs because she thinks that some of her women friends would condemn her for “cheating” on me, even though it isn’t really cheating.
In my experience I’d say this is generally true. But I have observed that close friends can be more ‘open minded’ if its their friend. So if it’s just an acquaintance e.g. someone in the office or broad social circle, then I think women are often very judgmental. But if they are close friends, they may not approve, but may be more accepting.
This is me. I feel guilty about everything about sex and I just need to get over myself. I even feel guilty enjoying sex. Religious upbringing. What Can I say?
I was there once and very naïve with it too. It took a long time to ‘forgive’ myself and not to think of sex and my sexuality as being dirty or wrong. Boy am I trying to make up for it now 😉