There is a big disconnect in the world of male chastity. Men like to hint to their partner about wanting to be locked up. In many cases the men simply show the woman a link to a cock cage and say something cryptic like “I want you to lock me up”. Ok but why? The reasons are far deeper and the intent is far more pure than many women think at first glance. What some of you might not know is that I spend some of my time as an amateur life coach for couples. This site has given me the opportunity to enter the lives and the bedrooms of many couples and learn what makes us all tick.
Let me start with a email that I recently helped a man write to his wife of ten years. I’ve copied and pasted this letter in its entirety with his permission.
Dear Wife’s Name,
I love you deeply and the intent of this letter is to deepen our love and I ask that you be open minded as my intentions are to be a better partner for you. The author Gary Chapman wrote a series of books based on the love languages that we best give and receive it love from our partner. I’ve read the book and you can read a quick summary here. I would be happy to share my digital copy with you as well. I know you intimately and I know that your primary love language is acts of service. This means that you truly feel loved when I do something for you. Think back to when I’ve done your laundry, made the bed or even cleaned out the rain gutters. You respond with a glow that I see in few other places which is why I love doing things to make you feel special and happy. I adore you as a partner and I could ask for nobody better to share my life with.
As you know, I’ve been spending time researching and learning about ways to better show my love for you and deepen our already intimate relationship. I’ve been reading a blog that helps me understand how to channel my love language which is physical touch into your love language of acts of service. This blog is called evolving your man and is written from a female perspective to help other couples who share dissimilar love languages. If we both shared the same love language, it would be easy to feel loved all of the time. Since our languages are different, this site has helped me translate your language into mine.
Physical touch is more than sex, it is deeply rooted in the male sex drive and the male need to feel wanted. I know that you love feeling wanted and love the compliments that I give you while you are getting ready to go to the office. I love feeling the same and I love feeling needed. The blog recommends the use of semen retention as a means to help redirect my sexual energy toward performing acts of service. Semen retention involves limiting my orgasms to keep my sexual energy high and use that energy to perform tasks to make you feel loved. If I haven’t lost you here, my love I am quite thankful for your open mindedness. When we have sex and I cum, I lose the energy that powers my sex drive. This would entail limiting those orgasms by denying me the opportunity to do so.
What am I asking of you? I ask that you, and you alone limit when I may cum. You know that working from the house leaves me with long periods of time where I am alone. I know that you are aware that I masturbate without you from time to time. What I don’t think you know is that I masturbate at least once a day as part of my daily routine and sometimes two or three times. I know that taking my energy and disposing of it into a tissue is not fair to you. While you have an open minded view of masturbation, I know that each act of orgasm takes energy from me that should be spent pursuing you and making you feel loved. Some element of chase is necessary for our relationship so you feel wanted and desired just like when we were first dating. Do you remember how I made you feel? Our marriage is wonderful but I miss the way your eyes would light up and I want to make you feel like that again.
This next part is difficult for me to write because I know it will be a challenge for me. If you wish, I would like to trust you to take over the orgasms in my life. I want you to ration them back to me at whatever interval you feel best. The male sex drive is very strong and I know that I won’t be able to do this on my own without letting you down so there are small inexpensive locking devices that will allow you to literally lock my penis to prevent orgasms. The author of the blog I mentioned limits her boyfriend to one orgasm every seven days. When we have sex, I would simply stop before my orgasm but you would continue to enjoy orgasms as you normally do. The key here is teasing and making my sex drive run strong because all of that drive goes straight back to you in the form of your love language.
I know that probably sounds crazy but I want to take a very intentional step to show you how much you mean to me. You are the light of my life and the reason that I wake up in the morning. I know that words are just that but limiting my orgasms will help me show you my love with my actions. If you are open to trying this for a month or two, please let me know. I know you are at work but if you can reply and let me know, I would appreciate it because I am nervously waiting for your response. This is a big change for us but I truly want to show you the love that you deserve in your native language.
Your lover and admirer,
Husband
Writing an email like this must be tough but showing his wife why he wants to control his orgasms is essential to her understanding that this isn’t just some weird sexual fetish. The response from his wife was brief but quite positive.
I love you and support anything that will help me love you more deeply.
Wife
If you want to copy and paste this message to your significant other, please do so. I encourage you to explain orgasm denial in such a way that promotes her needs and not just your own. This message was sent several months ago and since then the couple has continued to grow together.
Very nicely worded email Emma. Thanks for sharing. What a nice thing you did for this man … and in particular, his loving wife.
I like everything about this, except for one thing:
“I know you are at work but if you can reply and let me know, I would appreciate it because I am nervously waiting for your response.”
I’m in no way opposed to composing and sending a long e-mail message from time to time, nor for asking for time and attention from someone with whom I’m in an intimate relationship. However, what this is is a non-emergency for which the husband is asking for notable attention during her work day. He is asking that she read and respond to a very long e-mail message while she is still at work, and exactly while she has made an explicit commitment to give honest service to her employer. He’s pressuring her: “…if you can….” Of course she can. It’s within the realm of human possibility, therefore he expects it.
Sure, he didn’t ask for an equally long reply, nor demand that she read his message in its entirety and reply while she was still at work, but this is something to be shared during non-work time. Moreover, he indicates that he works at home. Possibly if not probably, he composed his outgoing message to his wife while he was supposed to be working. He didn’t compose that message in 90 seconds, nor on a 30-minute lunch break. Being honest and sharing with each other should not require being dishonest with either of their employers.
There’s a time and a place for everything; for this one, not the time, not the place.
Makes sense. I suppose everyone’s dynamic of work/life balance is going to be different. I didn’t change anything about this email aside from the omission of the names. This worked for them but I can see that line as almost topping from the bottom.
Emma even makes it as easy as copy and paste for a man who wants to encourage his female partner to entertain an FLR. Can’t get much easier than that!
Very helpful, thanks
I ordered some chastity devices and other sex toys. Once the cages came in I gave my wife the key and sent her a long email and walked out. That night we had a great time and it was not frightening to my wife. Since then we have spoken a little more about the chastity cage and orgasm denial. She is comfortable with both and so am I. I think it is easier for her because I addressed and acknowledged her concerns and questions the best I could. Because of that she is willing to go further and enjoys a husband who is much more attentive to her needs.
This really hit the nail on the head for thoughts I was trying to put into words. As a man I want to feel sexy but society tells us that men should not be afforded that luxury. Men are to be admired for their character and their utility which I think is bull shit. I want to feel sexy and I deserve to feel sexy. You have found ways to make me feel sexy and reverse that dynamic in my marriage and I am forever in debt to this site and to you personally Emma for normalizing it. Prior to this site both chastity and pegging was a fringe bdsm kink that was so far from normal for us. Men and women are not so dissimilar really. We both want many of the same things and society should allow us to feel sexy.
As usual is this a great post. Most men with an interest in chastity struggle to, first, understand what they want, and second, how to write things down without het running away as a result.
I’am lucky enough to have read this site (and others) for a while before bringing this up to my wife. I wrote her a letter to let het know how much I love her, and that we could have an even better relationship, if we could even out our biological differences. I could never have write the letter without reading a lot before.
So thank you Emma and fellow members here for all that shared wisdom.
She read the letter, stated that she was happy that I would not like to involve in BDSM or anal sex (so I guess she was relieved with what the letter was about???) but nothing more has happend since (several months).
I read the book Locked in love by Key Barret (recomended by an other menber here) in bed beside her, so she know I’m still interested, but this also led not to the conversation that I would like to have with her. I also translated some English articles/blogs in our own language (Dutch), so she can easily read them.
After some months of no talking about the subject, I wrote her another letter in witch all the bennefits for her, me and us as a couple are mentioned. I also made sure to point out again the biological differences between us and how we could use that and try the male chastity thing so we could explore the changes.
I have to hand her this last letter yet. I am hoping that she understand, that is not some sort of kink feeding for me, but me trying to get a deeper connection and more intimate time together, and above all a better communication beween us. I know one day we have a good talk about is, and Iám sure she is eventually ready to thy this. But man, being patient is key here.