This won’t be a blog to validate non-monogamy or cuckolding, that is a topic for another day. In this blog I am simply exploring the appeal among men and women for a cuckold type relationship. Cuckolding for those new to the conversation is when a woman has sex with another man outside her primary relationship. While I know that other variations exist, I’ll limit the discussion to that scenario alone. A myopic view of cuckolding will help us analyze this more closely without getting too sidetracked by other variations. We can hit those up in a future blog if necessary. I’ll also state up front that I dislike the term cuckold and much prefer the term poly-friending which I see as a better and healthier explanation of this type of relationship. I’m going to bite the bullet and use the term that I dislike. Just know that I wince each time I type it.
Why would a woman want to take a lover while she is in a committed relationship with a man? This defies many of our societal norms and has the potential to erode a marriage/primary relationship. Women in our society are treated as objects to be won and their affection something to be earned or purchased rather than given freely. While the female sexuality is stunted, she consumes birth control drugs that further compound the muting of her sexuality. Taking a lover awakens the sexuality within her and makes her feel desired. To experience chemistry and newness that disappears in even the best committed long term relationship. This is natural, those butterflies don’t stay around forever and they feel good. Really good. Taking a lover allows her to feel those things again that awaken her sexuality and feel new, different and desired. This doesn’t mean that the husband has any flaws whatsoever, this isn’t about him. This is about her and her ability to experience sexuality. The man is her support network; her emotional partner and if she is lucky, her best friend.
Women are arguably more complex when it comes to love. Women experience emotions more intensely then men and share their emotions more freely. While there is an argument of whether the dichotomy is nature/nurture, the difference exists. Many strong emotional male partners recognize this difference and make strides to understand the changes that they can make to help ensure that her needs are fully met. Aside from emotionally supporting her, there isn’t much he can do about things outside of his area of influence such as her work and drama in her family and circle of friends.
Why would a man want his wife/partner to take a physical lover while in a relationship? In our society, the term cuck has been equated to weak and emasculated men but that hasn’t always been the case. Throughout history men have shared their mates in sexual nonmonogamy while maintaining a strong primary emotional relationship with her. If he is committed to supporting her physical and emotional needs; he wants her to be happy. For a closely bonded couple, her happiness is capable of bringing him joy through compersion. Men have an innate need to see their partner’s needs satisfied and cuckolding is a way to ensure that she be satisfied.
For many men, watching his partner is one of the most arousing experiences the he can ask for but what are some common reasons women cite for bringing outside physical intimacy for the female?
- New sexual energy to boost her stalled/struggling libido.
- Boost in her self esteem and sexual self-image.
- Overcoming the man’s shortcomings whether perceived or actual. (impotency, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, smaller size etc).
- Wanting to fulfill a fantasy that they have discussed.
- Mismatched sexual libidos.
What happens when cuckolding happens for the wrong reasons? What if he is doing it to be manipulative and controlling? What if he objectifies her to the point that he feels he is gifting her wife to another man? This is clearly counterproductive and will leave both partners feeling empty. What if she is doing it to test the waters and escape a relationship she is not fully invested in? If both partners are doing it for the right reasons it can be an incredibly rewarding experience. Couples with abandonment issues, relationship anxiety and those who struggle with self confidence should consider keeping this a mere fantasy. Those who feel like their relationship is on solid ground may want to explore this unique relationship dynamic. Go slowly and check-in constantly with your partner. Accept that either partner may pull the plug at any time.
One detail to this type of relationship is the presence of the husband. Should he be present on dates between the wife and her suitor? Should he be present in the bedroom during sexual activities? These are details that should be discussed but my personal opinion is that both are important. It is important for the wife to develop a bond with her boyfriend as most of us don’t find it fulfilling to hop into bed with someone that we don’t have some sort of emotional connection with. If you can develop an emotional connection with your husband present, go for it! Some couples find that the mental spark is present between all three and that is a wonderful way to experience this. On the flip side, some couples separate the husband and allow the wife to have an entirely separate relationship and only introduce the husband to the boyfriend as a formality.
I suppose the biggest concern is jealousy and how comfortable the husband is with that particular emotion. Kev has never been an overly jealous person and agrees that intimacy is something that can be shared without fear of loss. To confront jealousy directly, consider that it may not be a useful emotional reaction. If you look at sexual experiences as a consumable resource. There was one of “sex” and someone else got it instead of me, it is easy to see how jealousy could come into play. If you see sex and love as fluid and potentially limitless then they lose their scarcity. Jealousy is directly connected to fear of loss. If you accept that you want your partner to be happy regardless of whom they are with, the fear of loss virtually disappears.
Having experienced this type of relationship personally, the act of being intimate with my boyfriend made me fall deeper in love with my fiancé. The three of us were closely connected from the very start and the relationship stared as a friendship and eventually moved in together to weather the pandemic lockdown. My primary relationship was a constant and neither of us questioned our commitment to each other. The primary sexual relationship would at times be my live-in boyfriend and at other times would be my fiancé Kev. Sometimes the sexual experience would involve all three of us and other times just two would participate. The wonderful thing is that both guys left the sexual experience up to me and that was incredibly empowering. I think the freedom to feel safe while surrendering myself to my desires made me feel closer and more open and mentally able to accept love.
My relationship with my boyfriend, Andrew was a great chapter in my life but it ended when he moved away. You can read more about how it developed on blog posts that began just over a year ago. It started with a game of ping pong and became so much more than that. I love being in the spotlight and this experience was the epitome of being the center of attention. While they didn’t argue or fight about spending time with me, it was clear that I was the midpoint of the polyamorous v with Kev being my primary. There is a whole language to polyamory, check out this poly glossary for an introduction to poly terms. We had planned to visit Andrew in August but the whole Covid/delta variant situation disrupted our travel plans. We have now rescheduled for November, hopefully we can make it work. I wonder if all three of us will pick up like nothing happened or if there will be some situational awkwardness to get over. I know Kev and I are looking forward to it. We do facetime from time to time and that never seems awkward so hopefully things are normal.
For many couples, a poly relationship of any kind violates much of what they hold dear in a marriage. Some women don’t have an innate need for attention or validation from anyone but their husband. All I ask is that you be open minded and have conversations to see if this is something that you might want to consider. If you decide to move forward, plan it as a one-time thing and follow the experience with lots and lots of communication. If you find that it meets your unique needs then continue until it stops meeting your needs. Have open communication with your third wheel so he understands that his involvement may be intermittent. If he wants to be involved, the stop and go nature is something that he will simply need to accept. Aside from the guidelines that you set, there are no rules when it comes to this sort of relationship. This means all three of you can go out and any mixture of twos can go out as well. Closeness between all three partners will discourage jealousy, resentment and keep the lines of communication wide open.
Can cuckolding be a validation of love? I think it can. While I don’t think including another in a relationship means that either partner must compromise, I do think the adjustment to “normal” in a relationship requires an open mind. That open mindedness can only come from a broad view sense of relationship that can only come from a place of love. While I make a case for a physical relationship outside of your primary relationship in this blog, it isn’t right for everyone. My perspective comes from a very intimate cisgender, heterosexual relationship. Not all relationships mirror ours and that is ok but I can’t write from a relationship perspective other than my own.