You knew what he was going to ask before he asked it. His body language said it all. He says something awkward like “hey baby, want to get jiggy with it?” You can respond that you have a headache or just tell him the truth that you just don’t feel like being intimate with him right now. Let’s take a moment to look past his awkward attempt to initiate sex and examine his motivation.
The male sex drive is a wacky thing. His libido is a constant that you can either become annoyed with or learn to manage for the betterment of your relationship. Be open minded and consider that male chastity may be the tool (pun intended) that you’ve been waiting for to help harness this energy. If you are new to the world of male chastity, there should be plenty of reading material on this site and others. I’d suggest that you start with this article about the male chastity fetish as it will help you understand what you both stand to gain by bringing a dinky little lock and key into your bedroom.
Let’s get back to his motivation, he wants sex because he either needs to feel connected to you or because he needs a release for his pent up sexual energy. Next time he asks, consider telling him to get his cage. Be very clear that it isn’t a punishment for asking, this is a solution to satiate his sexual needs. By locking him, he will feel connected and intimate with you. It will prevent him from going to the other room and releasing his sexual energy by himself. Lastly it will further amplify his sexual energy and redirect it back toward you in a way that is less awkward (hopefully) and by extension make you feel closer and actually want to have sex.
This isn’t a punishment. In fact, my opinion is that his cage should rarely if ever be used as a punishment. He is attempting to initiate because he wants to be closer to you and he wants to share intimacy with you. Locking him up is a response to his request and fulfilling his need. By locking him, you are giving him both intimacy and support. It may not be the way that he requested it but sex need not always be the exact way that it is requested. Few guys will directly ask you to lock them up but sexual support in a relationship can be fulfilled in a million different ways aside from the traditional act.
When he asks, be flirty and creative with your responses so you can keep a tone of playfulness in your relationship. Despite the fact that you are denying his specific request, realize that you are validating and fulfilling his need for intimacy and sexual support. What are some creative ways that you can respond to his request?
Not right now but I’d love to hold your key until I am ready. Go put your cage on.
How about you lock him up for a while? Go get your key my love.
I don’t want to do that right now but I you can do something for me. Go lock yourself and then bring me the key.
Show me how bad you want me, lock yourself up and fetch my key.
Let’s share a bottle of wine and lock you in your cage tonight. What do you say?
I bet you would look really sexy in your chastity cage. Go put it on for me.
I don’t want to have sex right now but why don’t you go put on something sexy for me. Your cage.
Sex huh. When was the last time you jerked off? Why don’t we lock him up for a while first so you can build up some energy?
Ooh I can really use an orgasm after a day like today! Why don’t you fetch my vibrator after you lock yourself up. Don’t worry love, you can sit on the edge of the bed.
No sex tonight but let’s get your cage and watch some porn together!
I need some oral love, let’s lock him up and you can go down on me.
If he enjoys playful humiliation:
With that little thing? Not until you grow an inch or two! While we are on the subject, why don’t you go lock him up for me.
If the requests are too frequent. This one is almost punitive.
You know what is really sexy? When we make out and cuddle without you pressuring me for sex. Let’s cuddle together after you lock it up and bring my key.
Now that he is locked; tease him and most importantly, don’t feel bad. Feelings of guilt can be common but they are misplaced. He enjoys this and while locking him up in a cage may not be sexually exciting, it is certainly amusing and his behavior changes are incredible.
Playing with chastity is whatever you make of it. At the vanilla end of the spectrum, this can be an innocent game to toy with his sex drive. Toward the middle of the spectrum, this can be a game ripe with denial teasing and light humiliation and perhaps a little bit of pegging. At the extreme side of things, you can include other fantasies that you decide as a couple are right for your relationship such as cross-dressing or cuckolding. Chastity is not synonymous with any other fetishes and is certainly not a gateway drug to some crazy world of sexual depravity.
Know that he will be more agreeable to sexual fantasies that are outside of his normal comfort zone when in chastity. I would recommend having conversations with him on an empty sack, if you will. Conversation about expanding the spectrum of what is sexually acceptable in your relationship is best had while both of you are not in a highly aroused state.
I know that I sometimes take flak for suggesting that women aren’t sometimes the sexual driver in the relationship. This is absolutely true, men and women both have varying sex drives and some men have very low sex drives just as some women have very high sex drives. The fact of the matter is, men are biologically wired to require a sexual outlet. Further, our society tells them men that physical intimacy is superior to emotional intimacy. Sex is also a boost to self esteem of men due to our culture’s idea that sex is what makes a man. There are lots of flaws in our society and the way that boys and men are conditioned. Both of you deserve an amazing sex life and using tools such as chastity to break down walls and experience intimacy in other ways will do wonders for your relationship. Women on the other hand are wired to be sexually active for a period of time and then grow weary of their partner in search of other mates. Our sex drives shut down to an extent and we must focus on the feelings that aroused us about our partner in the beginning. Rather than an animalistic push for intimacy, it is a gradual build up of emotional connection which leads to a more passionate and intimate lovemaking session. Understanding how you and your partner are wired is essential to ensuring that you both have the physical intimacy that you want from your relationship.
So give it a shot! Chastity devices are inexpensive and easy to purchase discreetly. Although we did have a ton of fun shopping for a chastity device at a sex shop one time. The clerk’s face said it all; barely restraining laughter yet feeling so bad for Kev’s plight. There is a level of taboo associated with chastity and while I personally believe the taboo is undeserved there is no doubt that it exists. Playing with and embracing that taboo can be a fun thing to toy with. Threaten to mention it to one of his friends or even ask him to show his cage off to one of your friends. You control how far this goes and how public you make it. The important thing is that you have fun with it together. His sex drive gains a huge boost and your sense of sexual empowerment receives an even bigger boost. Chastity is truly a win-win in the sex lives of nearly every couple with at least one partner that has a penis.
Do you have ways to ask him to put his piece under lock and key? I know that I am always looking for ideas so post your ideas in the comments below!
If more women would do this, they would be surprised how many men would agree to being locked. The only things I would add are: 1. Hide the key, because it’s going to make him crazy after awhile, and 2. You can do more than cuddle i.e. massages, washing your back in the bath or shower, dressing and undressing you are just a few things women like that also keep him aroused. (Just be prepared for some begging!) 🙂
Like most of your posts Emma, I love this. These are all very effective methods for a woman to achieve the ultimate goal of evolving her man (men). Each couple’s journey is different is is defined by their own conditions and circumstances, wants, needs and desires. Of course the “how” they live their lives shouldn’t be subject to anybody else’s conditions or opinions. In other words, what works for them is beautiful and should be celebrated and supported.
For many, including Ms. K and I, the reason we got into this lifestyle to begin with was to enhance the love and desire that we have for each other, in our daily lives, as we march toward the till death do you part part of our original marriage vows, and our WLM ceremony vows. A specific goal in that regard is for Ms. K. to live a life of bliss and comfort in all of her days, and my willing submission to her greatly enhances her ability to live such a life. We wholeheartedly agree with the benefits of the concept of orgasm denial, semen retention, etc. (everything Emma teaches in her blog) and cab honestly that it works and has allowed to be well on our way to our goals.
In my opinion, the focus of delight, pleasure, happiness, bliss should be solely focused on the woman in a female led relationship. Let’s be honest, if there is any level of control of the man’s penis, it is a female led relationship. Although there is a period of transition for the man, the focus should move away from what the man (and his penis) desires in a relationship like this, and toward the woman, because if it doesn’t, all of the lovely things spoken to in this blog amount to a burden for the woman that remains focused on the man’s wants and needs, which of course makes the woman nothing more than a fetish peddler.
The path and pace a couple takes toward a goal of a truly blissful life for the woman is clearly up to them, and for those of us on that path, a tip of the cap to you. If done right, the joy and pleasure the wife experiences in her life can be the primary source of joy and pleasure for her man.
Thanks for another excellent blog Emma!
We do this sometimes, I want sex and she doesn’t, her option is either have sex or lock me up. I actually feel a strange comfort when I am locked up, more satisfied and definitely do more around the house and for my wife.
After reading the post by subhubphx, Stephie made me sign in to my account and read your most recent blogs. You might say she played the FLR card. I read the blogs and found nothing that says your relationship advice is about anything more than pleasing the woman at her partner’s expense. Most of my comments will refer to Locktober For Dummies and this blog.
In Locktober for Dummies you make it clear that you can’t and shouldn’t have to suffer frustration for any significant period of time but you take great joy in making the man be as frustrated as possible. You claim he even likes being frustrated. He may enjoy the teasing but after it is over I doubt he is thrilled with the continuing frustration for the rest of the day. You even say how great you feel when you can make him feel bad. (Love that look on his face.)
The thing that disturbed me most in this blog was day 15. He made it 1/2 way so reward him by doing something nice for him. Doing something nice 1 day out of the month when he is doing this for you is so above and beyond you have to be reminded to do something nice for him? You expect him to do nice things for you all the time but a reward of one nice thing per month and he should feel special? I don’t think so. If you love each other you should both be doing nice things for each other every day without it being a reward or even thinking about it. It is something you just do.
Now to this blog. Somehow when he needs to feel loved you say if you just tell him to go lock himself up so he doesn’t masturbate is showing him you love him. This is your idea of intimacy? “Yes, I don’t feel like having sex right now so lock yourself up so that I don’t even have to get out of my chair. That will tell you how much I love you.” Look at all the items under “Direct” and even most of the ones in “Teasing” and that is exactly what you are saying. Why not the obvious answer? “I am not in the mood (or too tired or whatever reason) right now but I love you and if you come over here I will give you a big hug and a kiss. Then we can sit on the sofa together and hold hands while we talk or watch TV.” Actually I know why not this answer. It would put the power exchange at risk because the woman would be yielding to his wants (or maybe a need) instead of making him do something for her.
I have read many of your blogs about how to teach your man about a loving relationship. In not a single one have I seen the words, “Tell your man I LOVE YOU.” It is something that needs to be said every day. I have never seen where you suggested she give her man a hug or a kiss when he is down a little or when he comes home from work. God forbid the woman should give him a back rub or even caress his back if he has had a hard day. Massages are only for her. It is just lock him up and tease him. If you get him frustrated he will focus on you instead of his own hard day. At this point he probably focuses on you in hopes you might relent and make actual love to him. You are supposedly guiding us in how to have mutually loving relationships but nowhere do you talk about these little things the man actually needs his partner to do so he truly feels loved. Only what he needs to do for her and ways she can get him to do it by denying him and keeping him frustrated. These little things, more then the chastity, are what makes a man want to be there for the woman he loves. If he feels her love through these little things he will worship her because she completes him. If you think that these things are obvious and a woman does them automatically you are dead wrong. I know of several couples where there were few or no “I love you’s” and hugs and kisses were for special occasions. and the marriage just slowly disintegrated. The fact that you never even think about including them in your blogs speaks very much to how important or in this case unimportant you consider them.
I am sorry. I have been ranting. When Stephie first introduced me to this site I thought I saw a site about love as the basis for a relationship. I actually saw Kevin as a kindred soul. Then I read how Kevin sees no love when he gets his weekly orgasm, just a cold, empty release. I began to look more carefully at the blogs, what they actually said and just as importantly what they didn’t say. Now I actually feel concern for Kevin and wonder if he feels more trapped than loved.
Just my opinion but love is so much more than controlling your man with chastity.
I think you may be reading this as me imposing this on him as a punishment, consider it more of a symbiosis. I frequently encourage communication and I imply that communications is 1) about the current situation 2) confidence and reassurance about the relationship 3) words of affirmation, love and aftercare
I guess I’ve never really explained what I meant about communication so I appreciate the feedback. I apologize if I’ve given the impression that Kevin sees no love, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Additionally, your suggestion about advice on what a man needs to feel loved is good however I’ve certainly touched on that with a few blogs:
I also explore sexuality as it relates to gender differences. Our needs are very different as you illuded.
I do appreciate the feedback, stick around and give some feedback on the forum so I am inclusive of your thoughts, they are indeed valued.
Emma, I apologize. I thought after reading subhubphx’s post he would be more understanding about the site. I shouldn’t have made him come here and read your posts before I talked to him more.
I do have to agree with him on one thing. The little things like telling him you love him and hugging him and showing him you love in ways other than chastity and teasing are very important. I would like to see it mentioned in the blogs occasionally. The blogs do seem to be weighted toward only what the man does for the woman and the little things other than teasing she can do for him are absent. It almost makes it seem like chastity is all he needs.
Nope, no problem at all. He raises a good point in that I glaze over communication – while encouraging it. I should take the time to clarify what is implied. Take a look at the blogs referenced above and let me know what you think in the forum. I’d especially like to know what you do in your relationship to make him feel loved and valued. Thanks!
I LOVE this post! It’s brilliant! I never thought about it in exactly those terms, but you are so right about the connection between chastity, sex and intimacy. Thanks for sharing this – it’s an instant classic!!!
Great post. We found a new way recently. I have been a bit of a flirt recently. This really bothered my wife. So we decided to put on a device before going out. It had the desired result. Now I know that when we go out or I go out alone, there is always the possibility that she will say “bring me the cage.”