Your fella confessed that he has a fantasy of watching you with another man. That is a pretty big leap for even the most secure relationship. While many of us may entertain the fantasy, it is something that may do more harm than good if we try to fulfill it. Cuckold is a strong term and frankly, I don’t like the derogatory connotation. With that said, it makes for a dramatic headline so I’ll leave it for the sake of the search engines. Here’s to you Google.
Many guys have this fetish and it is a direct result of sperm competition. Knowing that their mate is desired by others, makes their blood absolutely boil with sexual arousal. Assuming you have a boundary in your relationship that restricts sexual intimacy to the two of you, how can you harness this sperm competition arousal while respecting the boundaries that you’ve set?
Accept first that you both bring certain things to the relationship. He likely brings security through commitment, love, and respect. You expect his communication, respect, trust and support. With that foundation, bringing sperm competition arousal to your relationship or marriage might just kick your sex life into high gear. We should start with the distinction of sperm competition and sperm competition arousal. Sperm competition is when two males ejaculate in a female and the resulting semen competes to fertilize an egg. We’ve established that this isn’t on the table for conversation at this point. We are going to take baby steps and try to experience some of the massive testosterone boost related to this experience without actually experiencing it.
A 1996 study showed that adult DVD sales (lol. DVD sales, whaaat?) with movies depicting multiple males were higher than movies depicting multiple females. I looked through the most recently published “year in review” stats from PornHub and I wasn’t able to see much information about threesomes. The search term threesome was there however there wasn’t anything distinguishing between the two boys and two girl variants. Anyone know where I can find this data?
There are many things which go into female sexual selection from environmental conditions – things we cannot control to specific characteristics about potential mates. In the top right of the diagram below, you will see the PSR or primary sex ratio. Simply put, the ratio of available mates. In the top left, you will see more environmental characteristics among the available mate pool. PRR in the diagram below refers to the potential reproductive rate or the reproductive rate if given unlimited mating access. The merging of the left and right sides of this diagram gives the OSR or operational sex ratio. The OSR is the ratio of males and females make up the mating pool of the population at any given time.
So you ask, this is all neat but what does this have to do with sperm competition? When a male is aware of the differences which make him more or less valuable in the OSR, his body will boost testosterone to make him more sexually aroused. A higher level of arousal in sexual situations will increase the chances of fertilization success. If a female saw two males and one was more genetically desirable (muscular, taller etc) a less genetically desirable male might overcome that genetic gap by having more resources or by providing a greater parental investment if fertilization/pregnancy was to occur. In many cases in our animal kingdom, the female will take the best of both worlds – mating with both males in hopes that she will capture the greater genetics and greater resources/parental investment of the second male regardless of which male’s sperm wins the race to fertilization.
This study includes everything from insects to primates but there is no question that our sex drive comes from our animalistic mammalian roots. The animalistic nature of our sexual side is likely why our society tries so hard to stigmatize something that is so core to our sense of self and well being.
The physical side of things from the female end of the experience is harder to quantify but I will say that there is something amazing about holding a member in both hands. Watching the faces of each member-owner as you give attention to the other. The member which is not getting attention gets a massive boost in arousal as if to say, don’t forget about me. Bring your attention back over here! When doing the act with one and holding the hand or kissing the other. the passion is turned up twelve notches in a way that is difficult to explain. I’m getting distracted… we’ve established that we aren’t going there so let’s take a couple steps back.
So how do you experience sexual energy tied to sperm competition without actually going there? Perhaps you are thinking of trying a threesome and giving your guy’s fantasy a shot but you want to tiptoe into the water and make sure that you won’t sabotage your relationship in the process. Here are three fun ways to experience a dose of sperm competition without actually bringing a third into your bedroom.
The Cuckold Warmup
- Find a dildo, preferably one that is slightly larger than he is.
Give the dildo a name. Preferably a name that isn’t part of your day-to-day lives. Don’t call it Michael if his best friend shares that name. Prior to having sexy with your guy, have sex with your new friend and call it by name. Giving the dildo a name personifies it, making it less of an object and more of a potential sexual competitor. While you play, try some very light SPH to see if he is more aroused or defensive with this sort of play.
- Try male chastity.
Locking his cock up in a cage has roots in sperm competition. The fact that he is locked means he is unable to perform sexually and this stripping of sexual ability is emasculating. The emasculation both inside and outside of the bedroom will allow him to be more aware of his sexuality and have more honest conversation. He will be more capable of communicating what arouses him, what threatens him and where the two overlap. Shorter lockups are fine, you really just want to see how he responds when losing sexual control as you deny him access. If you play with your friend from step 1 while he is locked, it could certainly be an interesting experience.
- Post a personal ad online.
Find a place to post a picture of your body online, obscure your face or simply list the ad as if you were in a location several towns away. Post the ad together and read the responses together. You can discuss them and talk about which ones he finds threatening and arousing. As you grow more comfortable with the conversation, talk about which attributes you find arousing and compare those attributes to your partner. He has bigger chest and arms than you do. I wonder what it would feel like to be held in them? Try using the toy from step 1 but replace the name that you selected for your toy with the name of the guy from the personal ad. For bonus points, try this while your guy is locked with the cage from step 2.
Try out some of the above ideas and see how he responds. Take your time! You can try over the course of a week or two years. As with all things sexual, enjoy the road and don’t focus on the destination. If he is clearly aroused then you may be able to continue to explore this avenue. If he is defensive, overly frustrated or angry then you should slow down or steer clear of play that includes elements of sperm competition. We are all wired differently and some of us absolutely get off from this sort of play. Some guys absolutely want no part of it. Carefully experimenting with situations like this can be fun but exercise caution as you learn how he responds to these potentially sexually threatening situations. Remember to talk after each experience. If he won’t share his feelings, refuse to experiment further. If he refuses to share how he feels here, that is a huge red flag. He is by no means capable of expanding the experience. Have fun!
We are not ready to make this leap either but it makes a wonderful tease. Some times I get all dressed up to go out and refuse to tell him where I am going. I leave for a few hours making sure to return with clothes and makeup disheveled. Did I have a meeting with one of the partners from work/run an errand at the supermarket or did I do something far sexier than that? I guess none of us will ever really know the truth.
Emma, you said it best in another blog that it is unfair for society’s expectation that one man is sufficient to please one woman. The bull may be the quarterback but the cuck is the coach. He is the support when she is done playing and the glue that holds things together and fills emotional needs. When a need must be filled, he selects the player that is best suited for the play that the team needs. If she is feeling especially carnal, the bull may be the best player. If she needs an emotional connection, he is probably the right guy. A relationship is a wonderful bond between two people and if something works for the two of you, do it more. If something doesn’t work, stop doing it. Play slow and talk frequently. The steps above are a good way to test the waters for some red flags of jealousy. Love each other and run the plays that work best for your relationship.
My husband has this fantasy of watching me with younger man he is much older than I am. We tried one night and I was nervous because I we found a handsome man but I was watching my husband carefully and maybe distracted myself but I enjoyed myself. We tried once more and I was more relaxed this time and paid less attention to my husband present. Now this is part of our marriage and a exciting part. I love my husband he is my rock to count on but we have emotional bond and physical bond is sometimes nice and to feel desired like I still got it. We talked many times after this and I feel like with our age difference it make him feel like he satisfy me even though it doesn’t always be with him. Now I have a steady boyfriend and my husband is friendly and even golf with him sometimes. Everyone can look at their own relationship and do what they want because this works for us but maybe it is not for everyone.
You probably can but Lynn would lock you up forever!
The social-biology research has finally caught up with human behavior and has been allowed to come out of the closet. Married women having lovers was always part of the landscape, now it is better understood and celebrated, instead of scorned.
Although I’m fond of dictionary definitions, “cuckold” doe hold too many loaded meanings. It depends upon which perspective or community you are coming from. I also prefer “lover” over the term “bull.”
Wandering eyes are part of any relationship over time, as well the wandering minds. Time allows partners to mature more past the clingy and jealous phase of early bonding. Once the male and the relationship matures, his readiness arrives for accepting his partner as a loving sexual person with an appetite far greater than he on his own can satisfy.
Defensiveness and perceptions of threats to the security of the relationship has to be alleviated in his fears. It’s a huge lift at the start of extramarital adventure for her, and this continues to require a certain level of effort for maintenance. Mostly good communication.
In the Hotwife/Cuckold world, mostly the men propose the half open relationship for the wife. Some are lead into it by a wandering spouse. Either way, I see many times the husband wants it to happen because of the sexual excitement but has not evolved and matured enough to endure the ego challenge that occurs when the wife embraces her sexuality “too much.” She was ready all along, him not completely so. His evolution needs work.
Which brings me to my reaction to your article. Your suggestion to try male chastity first is brilliant. It is a journey of letting go of control and hangups we males are filled with; both innate and cultural. Far better preparation for the male to later enjoy a partner having lovers.
As with both male chastity and hotwifing, it works best when it is female oriented and stops being just a male fetish.
“Evolving Your Man” was a wise choice for this web site.
A great article, I appreciate the research and careful, structured thought that Emma puts into her pieces. I always get to learn something new and can begin to question my experiences or previous opinions on the topics.
Personally I noticed an increased interest in ‘cuckolding’ (not keen on this loaded terminology myself) as I grow older, so you’ll find me partially responsible for those PornHub stats 😉 I feel I’m not alone in that, there seems to be a sizeable group of people exerimenting with this online as described, on sites like NewbieNudes, etc.
Whether I’d handle it well in real life, I can’t tell yet – but the fantasy has appeal, and now that I am much clearer on its roots, it makes it easier to accept as a natural urge.
Thanks! The interesting thing about cuckolding and emotional pain is it causes the same reaction in the brain as physical pain. Pleasure and pain are both tied to the dopamine and opioid systems in the brain (pain/pleasure) which tie directly to rewards and motivation. Your newfound interest in cuckolding is quite possibly an addiction compounded by your brain finding that to be an emotionally hurtful experience. You may experience a high, just as marathon runners experience an athletes high after running a race.
This doesn’t mean that it isn’t worthy of exploring, just take things extremely slowly to see if it should stay a fantasy or if it might be fun and safe thing to take into reality.
These are good. When we got started I would make him go outside the bedroom while I masturbated to see if it made him jealous. He would wait for me and come back in the room to cuddle when I told him that I was done. It did make him feel excluded, jealous and gave him some of the feelings that he would feel later but not as strong. Cuck him softly before you go full cuck mode.
I could go for 1 and 2, but 3 would cause me to have a meltdown. Watching a woman pleasure herself with a dildo while I am tied to a chair and locked in a cage is a fantasy of mine. But I could not do cuckolding. Emotionally, that would devastate me.