It is no secret that about 80% of male chastity is initiated by the male and in this blog I provide context and encourage men to communicate about the pros and cons of embracing this kink/lifestyle. Sometimes the conversation goes very well and sometimes the conversation goes poorly. Below is an example of a conversation that went poorly and the wife in the email excerpt below is not to be faulted for her reluctance to accept the kink that her husband approached her with. Some men feel like their wives owe it to them to participate in new kinks such as chastity, pegging or other female domination fetishes. Newsflash, your wife owes you absolutely nothing sexually.
This email came from a reader, her name has been changed, links have been added and some personal details omitted but otherwise very similar to the email that she sent. She did provide permission for this email to be published, of course. Her email is respectful, and I really feel for what this couple must be going through together.
Hi. My name is J and my husband recently showed me your website and gave me a talk about his desire for me to lock his penis in a cage and boss him around. This came out of nowhere and I wanted to laugh but he was so serious with his request. He handed me a box with a small metal cage in it. I really wanted to be understanding and comforting but I will be honest. I didn’t know what to say!
He kept going on and on about how much better our relationship would be and I’ll be honest I didn’t hear anything he was saying. I was just looking at the shiny cage and wondering if this was my fault and where this all came from. I thought we had sex often enough but now he wants to lock himself away and intentionally end or limit our sex life? Where did this come from and why is he like this? I started reading your blogs and some of them seem reasonable but many of them seem way outside of what I am comfortable with. What do I do next? I am not trying to offend you and I am sure your site clearly an audience of both men and women but it isn’t for me. This isn’t what I signed up for when I got married and I don’t even know where it is coming from.
One of your blogs resonated with me about painful sex and it is the only thing I can think of that might have caused this. I am 43 years old and the sex has been painful for the last few years due to vulvodynia. This showed up unexpectedly and the doctor said that it may be related to a gluten sensitivity that also showed up around the same time. We do have sex and I thought things were fine but maybe this has something to do with it?
I am not criticizing your site, I am just looking for help and I was hoping you might be able to tell me where this came from?
Thank you for reaching out J! I know this must be challenging and weird since we don’t know each other but please know that I appreciate you reaching out. I am certainly not pushing pegging, chastity or any other activities on anyone. I simply lay out the benefits and allow couples to make the choices that best suit their relationships. I am going to make some wild assumptions in my response because I don’t know you or your husband. If your husband is registered to the site, telling my his username might give me some extra insight into his perspective. I’ll start by saying that this is not your fault. As I read your email, it sounds like your plea for help was accompanied by some guilt. You have no obligation to do anything that you don’t feel comfortable with. With that said, let’s twist things around and look at his perspective.
It sounds like you have been married for some time and over the last few years, your sex life has changed. Prior to the last few years, you had a sex life that presumably you both enjoyed. Your comment of “I thought we had sex often enough” says one thing but tells me another. It sounds like you may be having sex for his benefit and not particularly enjoying it. Men have an innate need to please women and they get a significant amount of self worth from knowing that their partner is satisfied sexually. Chastity is very common amongst men with microphallus, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and retarded ejaculation. These traits make them feel self-conscious about their ability to please their partner and they sometimes feel that locking their penis away will please their partner more. This shame of sexual dysfunction can cause low self-esteem, anxiety and feelings of inferiority. This often shows up in fetishes as the his defense mechanism is often to sexualize or fetishize these traits to protect himself. I am guessing that he is fetishizing the fact that he is hurting you and protecting you by bringing a cock cage into your marriage. The problem here is that he didn’t communicate this thought process and simply showed up with a solution to a problem that he has been dealing with by himself. He may not be able to verbalize the thought process or even know what he is thinking but he came up with a solution. This solution provides sexual attention for him while limiting the sexual activity that causes you pain.
Had this started with a conversation about his sexual needs, you might have been able to work on a solution together. Ultimately the solution may have led you to the same place or it may have led you elsewhere but you would have known what he was struggling with. I am not familiar with Vulvadynia but in the brief research I’ve read, it looks like it is treatable and may even go away on its own. I invite you to consider his sexual needs and while you are not comfortable with his solution, consider other solutions that will allow his needs to be met.
The number one thing you can do right now is communicate. Men are notoriously poor at communicating so setting aside some time to talk about sex is essential. Give yourself fifteen minutes a week where you rate your sex life and talk about your sexual needs. Sex is a very broad term and there are many options that don’t involve traditional penetration which is potentially causing you to resent sex and eventually create resentment toward your husband if it hasn’t already. Why does he want the thing that he knows causes you pain? His body is wired to physically and psychological need sex. This is completely normal, remember that sex was a big part of your relationship and things changed along the way that altered his sex life. From his perspective, he is trying to figure out how to move forward with you. In similar situations, many men use a change like this to justify cheating which is another way to fill his sexual supply. Another option is that your husband has significantly increased his masturbation habit and he is suggesting the cage as a way to manage a habit that he feels guilty about. In either case, it sounds like your husband’s greatest need isn’t filling his sexual supply but ensuring that you are satisfied.
I don’t think that your husband is a pervert. I think that your husband is trying to solve a problem in the best way that he knows how. Although his approach leaves something to be desired, I think he has the best of intentions. I wish you both the best and it is clear to me that this is a challenging time. Take a few days to consider both sides and set aside some time to have a heart to heart discussion. Consider that sex is far more than an orgasm to him and is essential to his sense of self. Many men struggle with validation and see sex as a barometer for your relationship satisfaction. This is of course flawed since there are so many factors that can influence our sexual desire, most of which are completely outside of his area of influence. Don’t be a stranger, I look forward to hearing how things go!
I really think this might be useful to others so I’d like to consider using this as a blog but I’ll email you separately about that.
I think both J and her husband have the best intentions but don’t quite know how to navigate this. Their communication about sex leaves something to be desired. I wanted to post this as a blog because all too often men think that relationship challenges are their fault and problems for them to solve on their own. You cannot create happiness by yourself, it just doesn’t work that way.
Please talk about problems and work on solutions together. Don’t try to figure it out on your own. Your relationship is a two way street and coming up with a own one-sided solution is a recipe for resentment. If you don’t communicate, she may not even know there is a problem that needs solving.
Fantastic answer. She and her husband need to find out what the problem is. I am not sure the husband knows himself what it is. He just knows something isn’t quite right.
They are going to need to talk a lot but if they can things will get better.
I imagine J’s story is more than just common. J, if read this, please understand that it’s likely his deep deep love for you and his desire for that love to remain until “death do you part” that is behind his desire to reveal this to you. Like Emma said, communication is important.
I went through the very same trepidations at the threshold of our journey in this lifestyle. I knew that if her reaction was unfavorable, I, no we may be doomed. As such, I spent a long time rehearsing in my head exactly I wanted to deliver the most thing for me I was hoping for in asking her to accept my submission. That being my desire to be in a constant state of desire for HER and her only, and in doing so, provide her with the most fulfilling, loving and blissful life possible. *knock on wood, this is is exactly where we are today.
My very first blog entry (8 years ago) tried to explain the “why” behind it all. Reading it again 8 years later, I see where I could’ve used different, better words to explain what I mean, but for the most part does a good enough job explaining the “why”.
If you have an interest, feel free to check it out here.
Welcome to the site and stay close to Emma on this. She knows what she is doing.
I think you gave good advice, Emma. Based on my own experience, I suspect the husband has always had fantasies of sexual submission, but as long as he and his wife were having good vanilla sex, his D/s fantasies were in the background. Unfortunately, after years of marriage, vanilla sex comes to seem boring and routine for both partners. If the wife has a health problem that makes intercourse painful, or if the husband begins to struggle with erectile dysfunction, their sexual bond will be further damaged.
So what does a husband do in that situation? He finds a sexual outlet in masturbatory fantasies, and since he has always had D/s fantasies, he is drawn to websites like yours that explore various kinds of FLR. The more he withdraws into his D/s sexual fantasies, the more alienated he feels from his wife. He probably feels guilty about masturbating too, as you said. So he asks his wife for a D/s relationship involving enforced chastity. That would have a dual advantage: it would restrain him from masturbating, thereby relieving his feelings of guilt, and having something as intimate as his access to orgasms controlled by his wife would satisfy his deep desire to feel submissive and emotionally connected to her. I think you are also right that if penetrative sex has become unpleasant for his wife, he probably misses the self esteem he used to get from being able to give her sexual pleasure. Therefore, he is perhaps hoping to that, with his penis locked up, he and his wife will find new ways for him to pleasure her that don’t give her discomfort or make him feel inadequate.
I empathize with the wife who feels alarmed by the discovery, after years of marriage, of her husband’s D/s kinks. But they will need to communicate about it, as you said, because those D/s kinks are not going to go away. She is not obligated to act on his kinks, but simply ignoring them isn’t a realistic option either.