In a monogamous relationship, society expects our needs to be completely met by our partner without exception. Stress, age and health concerns can throw our sexual desire from one end of the spectrum to the other and our partner suffers the consequences. Some of us are fine with sex once a week and some are biting their lip in sexual frustration without a daily fix of sexual attention. This is a very broad topic but as a curator of a blog about sex, I get questions all the flippin’ time. I decided to write a blog about it.
Sexual desire is a psychological need and not a physical need. When she says that she needs to feel intimacy and needs to feel closeness from sex, she is using sex as a tool to get at intimacy and closeness. When our needs aren’t met, our minds will start to rationalize ways for our needs to be met. This is where resentment and cheating come into play. Couples that communicate well and address unmet needs early can come up with ways to address misalignment of sexual desire. While eating directly satiates hunger, sex doesn’t directly satiate emotional needs.
Regular sex can help you avoid feelings of depression and low self worth. Regular sex can boost analytic thinking skills and boost nutrients and oxygen to your brain cells, increasing brain activity and memory. Sex makes you feel younger and more desirable.
Not having a partner and not having an active sex life is often seen as problematic in our society. Going at life alone is seen as unhealthy and stigmatizing. This hasn’t always been the case. In the 19th century, it was quite common for people to have little or no intercourse. Remember that prior to birth control, contraception was very unreliable and sex often resulted in pregnancy. The concept of sex as a means for psychological well being is arguably a construct of our society but nonetheless is a very real need for many of us. Myself included.
Female Sexual Needs
I won’t speak for all females, I can only speak for myself and my own needs because I have firsthand experience with my own needs. Sexual attention is a need for me. I need an orgasm two or three three times a week or I feel a genuine lack of well being. I feel insecure and I feel an emotional hunger that is difficult to describe. I don’t need penetrative sex, my need is for the spine arching, leg shaking orgasm. I need to be touched almost daily, touch is a very sensual thing for me and frequent physical contact makes me feel amazing. Hold my hand, clasp my arm in your hands, rub my shoulders, grab my butt, hands on the small of my back above my butt. Cuddling. All of it. I love physical touch and it makes me feel loved and wanted. This physical touch is amazing but it doesn’t fulfill my sexual needs. My sexual needs are related very directly to penetration and orgasm. While orgasm gives me a mental release, penetration gives me a feeling of completeness, of being whole. I need that feeling of wholeness of fullness.
Male Sexual Needs
I don’t have the proper qualifications to discuss what sex means to being a man but I often interview the man in my life to get his perspective on how sex makes him feel. I’m an inquisitive partner and I want to make sure that I am giving what my partner needs and not just what I want to give. I guess I’ve always been that way, especially as I learn more about my own needs. Society doesn’t allow men to have emotions or feel sexy. Sex is a highly emotional experience which unlocks emotions and allows him to feel things that he isn’t otherwise permitted to feel. Women can feel and create emotional connections in their lives without sex but for men, sex is tied to emotional connection.
Another thing men get from sex is a rare opportunity to be vulnerable. By its very nature, the sexual experience reassures him that he is safe and accepted. Vulnerability goes back to earliest childhood bonding when it was okay to depend on someone. Because there is so much social emphasis on men being tough and strong, it is easy to overlook how much men need to be vulnerable sometimes, to be released from preoccupations of control and success. For just a little while, a man can surrender in safety, and finally let go of it all.Dr. Lindsay Gibson
Gender and Orgasm
For men, sexual attention is an emotional outlet while women are much more capable of emotion without sex. I think sex is more physical than emotional for me with men being the exact opposite. For women, the hormonal release of oxytocin during orgasm causes a desire to bond with her partner. The hormonal releases for men cause a testosterone drop which leads to a desire to emotionally distance himself after sex.
There are many things that can influence sexual desire and they don’t really differ between genders.
Check to see if any medications influence sexual desire.
Stress is the number one reason why sex doesn’t happen. Sex can make sexual desire evaporate like nothing else. Help your partner work on stress management or work together to eliminate the stressors.
Substance and abuse and alcohol can lower inhibitions and they can also change your body chemistry.
What you eat can vastly change the desire to have sex.
Physical exercise releases endorphins and increase blood flow in our core and pelvic muscles. 15-30 minutes of exercise will bump the horny levels for men while 60 minutes will get men in the mood.
When one partner needs more…
While society tells us that women want less sex, this is less frequent than you might think. We get a bad rap as the sexual gatekeepers in society but many of us get into relationships and feel sexually frustrated with needs not being met. Sometimes even though sex happens, it doesn’t happen in a way that allows our needs to be properly met. I personally gather quite a bit of my female power and energy from sex.
Men frequently want more sex but they rarely actually need the physical release aspect of sex. Orgasm often does more harm than good as their need comes from the emotional connection. Sexual experiences come in many forms and I’ve found that male chastity allows men to experience a heightened emotional state over a period of days instead of the minutes of a typical sexual interaction. This is one of the main reasons why male chastity is pursued by men and is also related to their innate desire to feel needed by their partner. This can also be intensely empowering for the female since the control factor is an intense experience. Introducing pegging to your relationship can be a new way for him to experience sex and prostate stimulation can be incredibly addicting. Pegging as a sexual act can make you feel all sorts of new and exciting things.
Both men and women have an innate need to feel desired. This can be as simple as flirting with others and can be as complex as adding consensual non-monogamy to your relationship. Sexual variety can really light the spark for all of us and especially women. We are hard wired to grow sexually bored when the butterflies of newness go away. This leads to a very natural decrease in sexual desire for our partner. Our bodies do this as a cruel joke that flies in the face of our monogamist society. While monogamy is a cozy arrangement for couples and there is no question that it makes life easier. Long term partnership satisfies society’s expectations is financially beneficial but it doesn’t support female sexual needs. Long term partner exclusivity squashes the hormones that make us feel sexy and allow us to experience our sexuality.
Thank you for reading, please post any questions in the comments below and introduce yourself on the forum! Any time I write a blog like this, I must thank Kev for allowing our relationship to be a guinea pig for this blog. I am thankfully very aligned sexually with this man and I am lucky to have such a wonderful partner. I should also apologize that this blog is so gendered, my context comes from a male/female relationship. I don’t have any background that would be helpful for female/female or male/male relationship nor any context for trans. I’d love to get some input from anyone that wants to share in the comments below!