sph small penis humiliation

Sexualizing Insecurities: Is small penis humiliation (SPH) healthy?

I received an email earlier this week with a husband who wants her to make fun of his penis size. She is understandably confused and not comfortable with making fun of his little guy because she is worried about possible damage that it might do to his self image and potentially to their relationship. Our brains do this really cool thing when we are anxious, insecure or worried about something sexual, our minds figure out a way to sexualize or fetishize them. Check out my previous blog about sexualizing insecurities. Oh yeah and one more thing, for the purpose of this blog I’ll need you to think of a yellow balloon. I’ll get back to the significance of the balloon later.

My husband and I have a mostly normal sex life, we do pegging maybe or or two times in a month. I lock him up in a chastity cage sometimes for our weekly date nights. Recently he asked me to say things that make fun of his penis. He is about six inches erect so he isn’t small by definition, he is certainly not the largest I’ve had but he isn’t the smallest either. I know body shaming is a real thing and I don’t want to give him some sort of a body image problem by making fun of something he cannot change. He also mentioned that he has a fetish of watching me sexually with a much larger man. I squashed the idea of watching me with anyone else because I am not comfortable with it but I don’t know about the SPH fetish. My gut tells me that we should do things with a more body positive approach.

– Chelsey, 34

Thanks for reaching out Chelsey. At first glance, I tend to agree with you. So your guy has a penis on the lower end of the size spectrum. From personal experience, that absolutely is not a deal breaker. A certain size penis is required for stimulation but most penises do the job just fine. Body shaming is real and there is a fine line between entertaining a sexual fetish and digging at a personal insecurity. Men already have a difficult time feeling sexy because our society doesn’t typically allow men to be sexualized or objectified. Making jokes at the one thing that defines sexuality for many men and it seems like it might be playing with fire.

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We should first talk about where this fetish came from. My personal opinion is that the SPH fetish came about because of the huge cocks that are abundant in porn. If his porn viewing has increased, there is a good chance that he is normalizing the larger penises from his porn and feeling inadequate about the unit that he brings to the table. If his porn viewing has increased, you might consider if his sexual needs are being met. Incorporating more co-masturbation or even a chastity cage to bring your libidos into sync. It is important for couples to synchronize their sexual needs. They needn’t have sex more often than they are comfortable but consider your partner’s needs and make an effort to ensure that their partner’s needs are met.

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This also lines up with his second fetish of wanting to see you have sex with a larger man. He is getting off watching porn where he observes a large man skewer a much smaller lady with his meat-kabob. I’m not sure about you but I’m not size queen. I want one somewhere in the realm of normal but the most important factor about the penis is the person it is attached to.

Surprisingly, with many fetishes (SPH included) it is usually better to express them rather than suppressing them with someone that you love and trust. Kinks, fetishes and fantasies are a perfectly normal part of our sexuality. Our sexual culture is incredibly liberal and even the abnormal stuff is usually chocked up to “just his thing”. The truth is, if you try and suppress it, it will just take you deeper down that rabbit hole. Remember when I said think of the yellow balloon earlier in this blog? If you didn’t forgot about it completely, I bet you’ve found it mildly distracting the entire time you’ve been reading this blog. Imagine if you had a sexual hook that was equally as distracting. Imagine if you were Chelsey’s husband and during your vanilla lovemaking, you just were silently hoping she would to throw a little SPH jab to get your dopamine flowing. Every time she doesn’t, you secretly hope the next thing out of her mouth is a SPH tease of some sort. I think we should all find a nonjudgmental partner and leave no kink door unopened. You may go through five or ten that don’t interest you before you find one that really pushes your buttons.

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Here is an example of a man who truly has a small penis and how he used humor to try and break it to a new sexual partner.

“I literally found out my boyfriend had a tiny penis on our fourth date. We were at his apartment, drinking wine and hanging out, and we started to play the game two truths and one lie. His story was: ‘I was born on Christmas Eve; my left eye is fake; I have a really small penis.’ I was laughing so hard and obviously thought that the penis one was the lie—because who says that? It turns out it was the truth and the eye was the lie. He made a joke out of the whole thing, and honestly, I feel like he’s used this method before. Right after that, I asked to see it, because obviously we were going to hook up that night. It was definitely really small, but I guess I imagined it to be smaller. It’s been a challenge figuring out how to have better sex with a small penis, but I really like how my boyfriend made a joke out of the whole thing and still keeps the joke going today.”

Rochelle D., 28 Womenshealthmag.com

Humor is the great equalizer and it is a great way for many of us to deal with difficult situations. The example above is a great way to break the news before things get intimate. He could have said something derogatory or mean about himself or even shared his frustrations about his small penis but he didn’t and left her to come up with her own conclusions. A guy with a good attitude when breaking the news is likely to have a good attitude and a healthy ability to joke about this sort of thing sexually. If he had said “my penis is small and I am very self conscious about it” then it would appear that he has not found a way to cope with his smaller than average peen. If you do decide to joke and play with an SPH fetish, make sure that you do some aftercare. When the playtime ends, be sure to remind him that it was role playing and that he is not inferior to anyone because of the size of his penis.

There are several degrees of SPH along with a few examples of each.

Light Teasing

Guys that like light teasing SPH enjoy a few jokes to take the edge off of a potentially awkward situation. If they are just getting naked and his penis is still flaccid, a lighthearted “I hope it gets bigger than that”, wave of the pinky or the two finger ? tiny penis salute. Usually these examples would be at the beginning of a lovemaking experience and recognize that sex can’t happen very easily with a flaccid penis. An innocent “is it in?” is also a fun addition to the SPH repertoire. If you see an attractive guy, you can say something like “He is cute, do you think he is bigger than you down there?”

Moderate Teasing

Moderate teasing is infantizing and humiliating SPH that continues after lovemaking begins and throughout. Things like “get your little bitty guy up in there”. Selecting a sexual position such as doggystyle and changing the position while making a comment about him not having the right equipment for that position. Moderate might also be some lighthearted public teasing. One time I asked a gas station attendant if they have extra small condoms while Kev was there. The attendant said that they did not and Kev glared at me until we got outside. Once we got into the car we both nearly burst from laughter.

Extreme Teasing

I don’t have much experience with this one and I think extreme teasing has the potential to be harmful. Examples of extreme teasing would be “you’ll never satisfy me with that little thing”. “You’re lucky I’m having sex with you, nobody else would fuck that useless dick”. As you can tell, extreme has a more coldhearted and mean connotation. Extreme teasing may also include gossiping or showing pictures or the real thing to friends.

Light and even moderate can be good fun but extreme has serious potential to result in hurt feelings. Just proceed with caution and tread carefully lest you may cause long term problems. Much of the SPH fetish is based on unattainable body standards and the incorrect assumption that men with larger penises are somehow more manly. Remember that the average flaccid penis size is 3.5 inches and erect is 5.1 inches. If you are anywhere near that, you are perfectly average. I’ve written a bit about SPH because it is a frequent topic of play in our home. Even with consensual play, it is important that you know where the lines are. Some things can be said that are difficult to take back.

I love men and I do feel that today’s popular culture climate doesn’t show enough appreciation for them. Men are not all sexual monsters and rapists but men often carry this burden of shame with them. Love each other, love your body and love your penis no matter what size or shape it is.

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subhubphx

A very gracious and informative post Emma. Thank you. I’m not one to seek humiliation and thankfully Ms. K. isn’t prone to dish it out, but for those that do, your advice is outstanding! For me anyway, being put in embarrassing situations is exciting. For example, I’ve always not-so-secretly hoped that Ms. K. would reveal me as her submissive husband, even having me display my cage as proof. It would easy to call such a thing as humiliation but I’d rather see it as embarrassing (and exciting).

Light and even moderate are good fun but extreme has the potential to result in hurt feelings.”

This reminds me of something I was taught as a boy;

“When a thing is funny, search carefully for a hidden meaning” – George Bernard Shaw

This topic applies very much to the axiom; be careful what you wish for. Words that might leave wounds can’t be unheard … even if in jest.

Thanks for another excellent post!

subhubphx

This was the quote I wanted to add in my comment but couldn’t find:

“The wound of a dagger heals, but that of a tongue, never” –  Friedrich Nietzsche 

subwilliam

Like many of the things we enjoy as couples, consent is at the heart of the issue. Trusting that the person with whom I’m in relationship has my best interests at heart. Trust that this person is safe, that we have a safe space, and they care about me and my well being. Trust, when the our “fun” is over, we can connect in a meaningful manner.

The old adage,”…. words will never hurt me,” is a lie. Words can and do hurt and unfortunately leave marks no one can see and, often, last a lifetime.

jessie

I understand that he might enjoy the SPH, but it’s better to play safe…

We have a very racist and toxic view of the penis (the bigger the better, specially if the guy is black, etc), and the humiliation can lead the guy to believe that he is not enough, leading to a lot of insecurities. Every man gets called gay or sissy hundres of times during his lifetime, and that may as well leave some trauma.

If someone made porn about humiliating fat girls everyone would grab their pitchforks and torches and start marching. But somehow humiliating a man feels ok.

Take good care of your guys – especially the emotional side. Things like that can leave invisible marks that are difficult to heal. Hopefully someday shaming someone’s penis won’t be a thing.

HappyCuckold

Emma, as usual I think your response is good. I am like the husband that woman wrote to you about. I am turned on by small penis humiliation, even though I have an average size penis. Fortunately for me, my wife doesn’t mind dishing out some light and moderate SPH. You are probably right that extreme teasing is psychologically riskier.

I don’t fully understand why SPH turns me on so much, and I wonder whether it would feel different to me if my penis was truly tiny. In that case, maybe it would be hurtful rather than fun. I don’t know. I think I enjoy it because it is a form of power exchange, kind of like being spanked, but psychological rather than physical.

Mcc081

SPH is precisely sexualizing an insecurity, but it isn’t always about the penis. I think it has more to do with the fear that the guy doesn’t measure up to a man. His penis is simply the most obvious symbol of masculinity. Most men into SPH tend to be of average size.

I once heard or read something about this. Professional Dommes and prostitutes both lie to their clients about their penises. Dommes tell them how small they are and prostitutes tell them how big they are.

As for the men who are truly small, and who also like SPH, they have made a fetish out of a perceived shortcoming (pun intended). But I would wager that most men out there who are under-endowed don’t get into SPH and aren’t humble about it … quite the contrary, they’re the ones who over-compensate in other areas.

I liked your breakdown of the three areas of teasing. And while most men who watch SPH porn or read captions or whatever, probably like the extreme stuff, it would be rather cruel in real-life. Mild to moderate is probably the way to go.

nevertoolate

One of the ideas to keep in mind as a man is that there are always men larger, fitter, and more handsome than yourself. In our younger days we struggle with this, but hopefully reach a point in our lives when we embrace this instead of fighting it. Groups of men that settle in a pecking order work together better with less conflict. Humor and teasing is part of keeping a balance.

A mature man is comfortable with teasing and if a woman appeals to this sexually, talking about our “little buddy,” heck who wouldn’t love some attention?

nevertoolate

That is not something I have ever seen. Both men and women are marketed insecurities to sell products, but the amount of mixed messages is insane targeted to women. Raising two daughters, the external forces you fight as a parent are enormous. Men tease each other, but women are much more cruel to each other as a rule. The fashion and cosmetic industry is not your friend as a young girl growing up. Much of it run by women. What women need to know is we men like you and like the variety your differences bring. Big, small, tall, short, we always find something about you to like. You are all yummy to us and we melt inside if you pay us attention.

I had a girlfriend once that I tried my best to explain how she looked wonderful without makeup. A hard sell for sure. There is a reason we often stare, we just find you all pleasant to look at.

jessie

Personally I doubt men are “wired” for anything. If I had to guess, i’d say it’s the constant pressure to man up and the “boys don’t cry” mentality – and rather than talking about it and dealing with those issues, we just tell them to repress those feelings and grow up.

Men in general have no one to turn to when they are insecure – friends may call it gay, and most women don’t want insecure guys anyways.

But it’s just a guess, I am not a psychologist…

Last edited 5 months ago by jessie
gallifreystyle

I like the idea of gentle teasing about my penis size, despite having a perfectly normal size. I think that one of the factors that makes this exciting is that it takes away the uncertainty of wondering whether one is too small. If I am afraid that my penis is too small and my partner will leave me because of it, this is very tense and stress inducing. She can reassure me but maybe my insecurity is strong enough that I just can’t accept the reassurance. In that case, going the other way and saying “yes, you are small but I am still here” may seem,on some level, more reassuring. Similar to the way a man may be terrified his partner will cheat on him and leave him, so he is drawn to the cuckold fetish. Instead of reassuring him that she will never sleep with another man, she does so openly and still stays with him. His fear comes true but the dreaded consequence does not. Does any of that make sense? I think that may go some way to explaining my fascination with these fetishes anyway. In any case, I think the main thing is to agree limits, check in regularly with each other and keep communicating. And never forget that some fantasies and fetishes are really exciting until you actually try them! SPH is something my wife does not feel comfortable doing, so I don’t push it. But, maybe, if she did, I would find I actually don’t enjoy it after all!

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