I received an email earlier this week with a husband who wants her to make fun of his penis size. She is understandably confused and not comfortable with making fun of his little guy because she is worried about possible damage that it might do to his self image and potentially to their relationship. Our brains do this really cool thing when we are anxious, insecure or worried about something sexual, our minds figure out a way to sexualize or fetishize them. Check out my previous blog about sexualizing insecurities. Oh yeah and one more thing, for the purpose of this blog I’ll need you to think of a yellow balloon. I’ll get back to the significance of the balloon later.
My husband and I have a mostly normal sex life, we do pegging maybe or or two times in a month. I lock him up in a chastity cage sometimes for our weekly date nights. Recently he asked me to say things that make fun of his penis. He is about six inches erect so he isn’t small by definition, he is certainly not the largest I’ve had but he isn’t the smallest either. I know body shaming is a real thing and I don’t want to give him some sort of a body image problem by making fun of something he cannot change. He also mentioned that he has a fetish of watching me sexually with a much larger man. I squashed the idea of watching me with anyone else because I am not comfortable with it but I don’t know about the SPH fetish. My gut tells me that we should do things with a more body positive approach.– Chelsey, 34
Thanks for reaching out Chelsey. At first glance, I tend to agree with you. So your guy has a penis on the lower end of the size spectrum. From personal experience, that absolutely is not a deal breaker. A certain size penis is required for stimulation but most penises do the job just fine. Body shaming is real and there is a fine line between entertaining a sexual fetish and digging at a personal insecurity. Men already have a difficult time feeling sexy because our society doesn’t typically allow men to be sexualized or objectified. Making jokes at the one thing that defines sexuality for many men and it seems like it might be playing with fire.
We should first talk about where this fetish came from. My personal opinion is that the SPH fetish came about because of the huge cocks that are abundant in porn. If his porn viewing has increased, there is a good chance that he is normalizing the larger penises from his porn and feeling inadequate about the unit that he brings to the table. If his porn viewing has increased, you might consider if his sexual needs are being met. Incorporating more co-masturbation or even a chastity cage to bring your libidos into sync. It is important for couples to synchronize their sexual needs. They needn’t have sex more often than they are comfortable but consider your partner’s needs and make an effort to ensure that their partner’s needs are met.
This also lines up with his second fetish of wanting to see you have sex with a larger man. He is getting off watching porn where he observes a large man skewer a much smaller lady with his meat-kabob. I’m not sure about you but I’m not size queen. I want one somewhere in the realm of normal but the most important factor about the penis is the person it is attached to.
Surprisingly, with many fetishes (SPH included) it is usually better to express them rather than suppressing them with someone that you love and trust. Kinks, fetishes and fantasies are a perfectly normal part of our sexuality. Our sexual culture is incredibly liberal and even the abnormal stuff is usually chocked up to “just his thing”. The truth is, if you try and suppress it, it will just take you deeper down that rabbit hole. Remember when I said think of the yellow balloon earlier in this blog? If you didn’t forgot about it completely, I bet you’ve found it mildly distracting the entire time you’ve been reading this blog. Imagine if you had a sexual hook that was equally as distracting. Imagine if you were Chelsey’s husband and during your vanilla lovemaking, you just were silently hoping she would to throw a little SPH jab to get your dopamine flowing. Every time she doesn’t, you secretly hope the next thing out of her mouth is a SPH tease of some sort. I think we should all find a nonjudgmental partner and leave no kink door unopened. You may go through five or ten that don’t interest you before you find one that really pushes your buttons.
Here is an example of a man who truly has a small penis and how he used humor to try and break it to a new sexual partner.
“I literally found out my boyfriend had a tiny penis on our fourth date. We were at his apartment, drinking wine and hanging out, and we started to play the game two truths and one lie. His story was: ‘I was born on Christmas Eve; my left eye is fake; I have a really small penis.’ I was laughing so hard and obviously thought that the penis one was the lie—because who says that? It turns out it was the truth and the eye was the lie. He made a joke out of the whole thing, and honestly, I feel like he’s used this method before. Right after that, I asked to see it, because obviously we were going to hook up that night. It was definitely really small, but I guess I imagined it to be smaller. It’s been a challenge figuring out how to have better sex with a small penis, but I really like how my boyfriend made a joke out of the whole thing and still keeps the joke going today.”—Rochelle D., 28 Womenshealthmag.com
Humor is the great equalizer and it is a great way for many of us to deal with difficult situations. The example above is a great way to break the news before things get intimate. He could have said something derogatory or mean about himself or even shared his frustrations about his small penis but he didn’t and left her to come up with her own conclusions. A guy with a good attitude when breaking the news is likely to have a good attitude and a healthy ability to joke about this sort of thing sexually. If he had said “my penis is small and I am very self conscious about it” then it would appear that he has not found a way to cope with his smaller than average peen. If you do decide to joke and play with an SPH fetish, make sure that you do some aftercare. When the playtime ends, be sure to remind him that it was role playing and that he is not inferior to anyone because of the size of his penis.
There are several degrees of SPH along with a few examples of each.
Guys that like light teasing SPH enjoy a few jokes to take the edge off of a potentially awkward situation. If they are just getting naked and his penis is still flaccid, a lighthearted “I hope it gets bigger than that”, wave of the pinky or the two finger ? tiny penis salute. Usually these examples would be at the beginning of a lovemaking experience and recognize that sex can’t happen very easily with a flaccid penis. An innocent “is it in?” is also a fun addition to the SPH repertoire. If you see an attractive guy, you can say something like “He is cute, do you think he is bigger than you down there?”
Moderate teasing is infantizing and humiliating SPH that continues after lovemaking begins and throughout. Things like “get your little bitty guy up in there”. Selecting a sexual position such as doggystyle and changing the position while making a comment about him not having the right equipment for that position. Moderate might also be some lighthearted public teasing. One time I asked a gas station attendant if they have extra small condoms while Kev was there. The attendant said that they did not and Kev glared at me until we got outside. Once we got into the car we both nearly burst from laughter.
I don’t have much experience with this one and I think extreme teasing has the potential to be harmful. Examples of extreme teasing would be “you’ll never satisfy me with that little thing”. “You’re lucky I’m having sex with you, nobody else would fuck that useless dick”. As you can tell, extreme has a more coldhearted and mean connotation. Extreme teasing may also include gossiping or showing pictures or the real thing to friends.
Light and even moderate can be good fun but extreme has serious potential to result in hurt feelings. Just proceed with caution and tread carefully lest you may cause long term problems. Much of the SPH fetish is based on unattainable body standards and the incorrect assumption that men with larger penises are somehow more manly. Remember that the average flaccid penis size is 3.5 inches and erect is 5.1 inches. If you are anywhere near that, you are perfectly average. I’ve written a bit about SPH because it is a frequent topic of play in our home. Even with consensual play, it is important that you know where the lines are. Some things can be said that are difficult to take back.
I love men and I do feel that today’s popular culture climate doesn’t show enough appreciation for them. Men are not all sexual monsters and rapists but men often carry this burden of shame with them. Love each other, love your body and love your penis no matter what size or shape it is.
Sex with me and sex with him… pic.twitter.com/X2byPWKwRN— CuckCaptionist (@cuckcaptionist) December 6, 2021