He expertly unsnaps your bra, you feel his warm breath on your neck. You feel his warm breath on the back of your ear. You get the chills, your blood is racing with anticipation. You put your hands on his tummy and slowly slide your hands down below his waistband to his soft penis.
For some women this is a mood killer. We internalize it, he is soft because he isn’t attracted to me or isn’t into it. What good is a soft dick anyway? The hard dick is the epitome of masculinity and a man with a soft dick almost always more in touch with his emotions than MrAlwaysReadyToGo™. The soft dick doesn’t always stay a soft dick forever and many men need some foreplay just like we do. Sometimes he’s had a bit too much to drink, too tired or anxious about the situation or his sexual performance. There are many medical conditions that cause ED such as Hard Flaccid Syndrome (HF), heart disease, high cholesterol, diabetes, obesity, multiple sclerosis or various types of sleep disorders. If years of blue pill marketing has taught us anything it is that a soft dick is a broken dick. If he isn’t hard or unable to get hard, he is broken. Poppycock I say, pure poppycock! A soft penis is still a very functional penis.
You have two options, make it about you and put a stop to things or embrace it and experience an entirely different type of sex. Here are some things that are great about soft dick situations. Unconventional play can be more fun and give opportunities to be silly together.
1) It is an opportunity to connect with him on a new level of intimacy.
A soft cock means that tonight’s sex might be different than the traditional hop on top of me and grunt for three minutes until you make a noise like a dying ostrich. Is that a bad thing? Not to me! Most men will be self conscious about a soft cock but I like to see it as an opportunity to evolve the type of sex that you experience as a couple. If he is soft, he is emotionally vulnerable and far more likely to be open to trying things to put the focus on your pleasure. There are two ways you can react. Aww poor thing, he is soft or my personal favorite. Ooh exciting, you know how much I love when he is soft and squishy.
With a soft penis, whole body sex is possible. You can hold each other close and feel the warmth of your region without a pokey thing trying to find its way into your body. For me, sex isn’t defined by penetration. Sex is defined by intimacy and connection. I don’t actually care if penetration happens or not. I prefer if an orgasm or two happens because I’m a big fan of the way those orgasmy things make me feel.
2) Sex still feels good and orgasms can still happen with a soft cock, it is just different.
If your soft man can get out of his head and ignore the soft penis like you already have, he can still feel a great deal of pleasure and even have orgasms. Rubbing your genitals against each other can feel incredible even when his isn’t hard. A soft penis is much more enjoyable to perform oral sex on. Exploring the top, the sides, the underside, a gentle nibble and little concern about anyone’s gag reflex. Oral sex that simulates vaginal sex is really just substituting one hole for another and it does little to deepen the connection. Many men get so wrapped up in performance that sex is about overcoming the pressure to perform and not about reinforcing an emotional bond.
Your play can involve his foreskin because even circumcised men have foreskins, just less skin.
Sexual play can actually be fun and playful. We don’t have a penis to play with and you’ve spent your entire life playing with yours. As your partner, it is only fair that we get to play with it!
3) Strap-on play can be fun for both partners.
While breaking out the strap-on will make many couples assume that some hardcore pegging is about to go down, it needn’t be the case. Men can wear strap-on harnesses and just like women can. In fact, the strap-on is a great way to feel some sexual variety without opening the floodgates of non-monogamy. We will explore CNM later but for now, focus on the possibility of your partner strapping up with a tool that is longer, girthier or curvier or whateverier than the one that is dangling between his legs. As your partner evolves to experience pleasure through compersion, he feels pleasure by giving pleasure. Watching you experience pleasure allows him to share in that pleasure together with you. It takes the focus from the head of his penis and moves it to the head on his shoulders. A much deeper and emotional connection. If the toy that you use vaginally is used anally on either of you, make sure that you use a condom on it. The porous surface of toys can hold bacteria and even the cleanest of toys can cause a nasty infection.
4) The penis is the focus of sex.
Sex starts when the penis gets hard and sex ends when the penis spits its juice and goes back to the flaccid state. As women, our orgasms often don’t fit into the situation. The orgasm gap is a very real thing, ladies. We are told that once the goo happens, the sex is over and that is just dumb. That view of sex is outdated and problematic for both men and women. Can you imagine the pressure a man might feel about ED? In his mind, failing to get hard is failing you at sex. Failing at sex is failing at being a man. If he is a failure at being a man then what good is he? You can see this is a very slippery slope if a man allows himself to slide down it.
5) This might be an opportunity to explore consensual nonmonogamy (CNM).
If the ED is an ongoing thing and you both desire a hard one, this is a great opportunity to try consensual nonmonogamy. There are more CNM options than I have fingers to count and the best scenario is the one that you define together. She can have a boyfriend, and you can either watch or participate or even let her experience the physical love and come home to the arms of her loving partner. Sex outside of the traditional relationship can be a wonderful thing but communication is incredibly important. An alternative sexual relationship can do wonders to meet the needs of both men and women. Men feel an innate need for their woman to be satisfied sexually. To many couples, bringing a lover to fulfill that need is no different than buying her a sex toy for her to enjoy.
Soft penises can be loads of fun!
You should define your sexual experience as an opportunity to feel connectedness and pleasure together. Erectile problems can be tied to different medications and can come and go with age, stress, diet and many other factors. If your guy is hard but you want to feel some of the sexual benefits of Mr. Softy there are a few ways. You can use his refractory period to your advantage. You can either have him masturbate prior to initiating sexual play or you can lock him in chastity cage. While the cage may have some sharp, cold or rough edges it can do a good job of simulating a more sensual lovemaking experience without the focus being on his poky thing. You can also play with him until he gets hard and then stop to give him an opportunity to cool back down. When Kev isn’t locked, we like to play this little game under a blanket while watching tv or movies. He knows that I prefer playing with him soft so much more to fun to play with!
Does your guy get off on humiliation? If so, this might be a great time to play with SPH. The smallest state of his little guy is when it is soft so this is a great time to enjoy some SPH teasing if that’s what you’re into. I urge you to discuss this beforehand because unwanted humiliation might compound any feelings of insecurity or anxiety if it isn’t his jam.
Studies show that more and more relationships are the female led variety despite the partners not using that moniker to describe them. Why not allow your bedroom to follow a female lead as well? Relationships with a greater level of soft, emotional and intimate sex enjoy a much closer and deeper connection. This isn’t a case of finding a silver lining in a common male sexual problem, this is about accepting and enjoying a nuance to his sexuality to reinforce a lifelong bond of intimacy.
…and this folks is why we don’t cut off foreskins. Also, get a nice grip above the testicles and give that scrotum a good stretch. Feels great and that extra length makes a satisfying feeling and slapping sound for your partner.
Right on the button. I am emasculated via caging rather than ED, but some of the best sex is had with me caged – for both of us.
A further thought is that the body is full of erogenous zones, but lots of men never get past their cocks and so miss out on additional places that feel great.
Loved this post… you are spot on. There were times where I was not able to get an hard for my wife and she took it as she no longer turned me on. It couldn’t be further to the truth. I couldn’t explain why I had an issue, but it allowed my to really perfect my oral skills on her. It afforded me to take pleasure in giving rather than receiving.
It took a very long time before she was okay with my infrequent softies. I’m glad she did before she left this world.
Emma, this is a great post! I desire much more out of sex then just thrusting when my cock is hard, involving both more emotional connection and creativity. I especially enjoyed the videos of women playing with a soft penis as well. They demonstrate curiosity, joy, and the intimacy behind sex so much better than just penetration. And I really agree with this quote!
“As your partner, it is only fair that we get to play with it!”
It’s delightful to see them having so much fun with a penis and to realize, as you pointed out, we’ve been playing with them our whole lives but a girl is still discovering so much about them. I love that you and Kev have soft penis playtime while watching shows and I love simply having my soft penis held and played with as well. It felt like watching wholesome porn. 🙂
It was ED that led us further into chastity and eventually into consensual nonmonogamy.I think I’ve written about this before but putting him in long term chastity was actually a great thing for him as it relieved him of the anxiety of not being able to stay hard for very long. Mentally it left him in a better place and actually helped us enormously enjoy each other in other, very fulfilling, ways.
He no longer felt he was ‘letting me down’ as I had the control over his penis and that negated the fact of his ED.
I’m not saying it fixed a broken marriage, because ours was never broken, but it did help us move forward with dealing with a sensitive issue that was causing him upset.
Emma, thank you for a great post about the silver lining in erectile dysfunction. I don’t have anything to add because you have covered the topic so well.
My story is similar to a commenter named ‘mstara’. My wife and I had a mild FLR already in place when I had a stroke in 2012. I was only in my late 40s. I’m fully recovered, and maybe better, since my wife and I got into the best shape we could and remained that way. This was at her insistence.
But, ED and related issues developed over time and were compounded by medication. I suggested chastity play. My device is comfortable and I wear it most of the time. We developed chastity and roll playing/orgasm denial into intimate and full time fun. Mostly oral, and some prostate play, give us great bedroom fun. I’ve actually been so excited by teasing that sometimes (though rarely) I can orgasm. I’ve never thought of it this way, but being locked up has taken the pressure off me.
As an irrevocably impotent person, I said I liked this article and thank you, Emma!