I am normally better about posting on a weekly basis but it has been three weeks, sorry y’all. I’m fine and I hope you are too. More of my friends have been sick with Covid in the last two weeks than I can count so we’ve been staying at home. Last night Kev took me out for dinner so that helped take me out of my funk. Anyway. This blog isn’t about Covid, my funk or Kev’s locked bits and pieces. It is about dating, mating, relating, non-monogamy and other stuff I’ve been thinking about. This one may be more about me than most of my blogs because I’ve had more time to think on it. I’ll apologize in advance for my many pop culture references. Enjoy and I’ll try to be much more bloggier for all of you. I missed you. Yeah you.
The entire hookup culture is mostly foreign to me. I am a serial monogamist because I like the safety and security that I get with a partner. I have codependent tendencies but it isn’t about reinforcing those tendencies, it is about feeling more comfortable in a partnered life than in an unpartnered life. I feel safer with someone to have my back. My internal Bonnie likes to have a Clyde around. Am I more codependent than most, probably. Am I self aware enough to make sure that I understand where codependency starts and ends, I think I am. My therapist says she thinks Kev and I have a healthy relationship but sometimes I feel like she is telling me what I want to hear. I am so far off track, let’s screech those brakes and get back to hookup culture.
Hookup culture is the very definition of non-monogamy but how can it exist in a monogamist society? Why does it exist at all when our society is so set on the partnered life? There is a yin yang relationship between many opposites when it comes to relationships. Whether we are talking about the relationship between monogamy to nonmonogamy or codependency to counterdependency, balance is important. Balance is important with so many things. Finding a balance is important in other parts of life such as sobriety and alcoholism, unemployment and being a workaholic. The hookup culture is a manifestation of our dopamine driven side of strategic pluralism. What is strategic pluralism? Keep reading.
Strategic Pluralism / Dual Mating Strategy
Strategic pluralism is the fascinating idea that women seek out two different types of men depending on hormonal levels. Our mate choice mechanism is wired for two very different types of selectors. One selector looks for men who are… fucking hot. Handsome, great genes, great fitness and very strong male characteristics. We do this during the most fertile part of our ovulatory cycle. The other selector seeks out men who are not out of our league. Specifically men who are more likely to make us feel secure by investing their time and resources. We seek this type of man when we are in less fertile parts of our ovulatory cycle. You read that right, we are basically hard wired to partner with a nice guy but seek hookups with the hot guy. I don’t mean “nice guy” in the incel asshole definition. I mean the nice guy in the he would make a great partner way.
Nonmonogamy vs Monogamy
Ok so we look for a quality partner most of the time but our eyes will wander when we are most fertile due to hormones. That means we are hard wired to cheat, right? I don’t know if that is true but our reproductive system has a job to do and many of us don’t want to reproduce. We even take pills to short circuit our reproductive system. When you track your cycle, do you find yourself most horny when you are most fertile? Of course you do. Do you find that your eyes wander more frequently when you are most fertile? I’ll bet you do.
Our society embraces monogamy over nonmonogamy because it implies a sort of moral order that predates birth control. Prior to having the ability to short circuit our reproductive system, sex would usually result in pregnancy. Women were pregnant much of the time and many women would bear half a dozen children with only one or two of them surviving. Do you remember playing The Oregon Trail™? How many of your kids died of typhoid or dysentery? That’s right, by the time you got to Green River, your wagon was mostly empty. Monogamy was the glue that held a family together and marriage is the piece of paper that made him financially responsible for that family.
Is marriage an outdated concept? Yes. Is monogamy an outdated concept? Despite the flaws and inconsistencies that monogamy presents, I think it still has its merits. Remember Al Bundy from Married with Children™? As a shoe salesman, he supported a wife, two kids and a two story house in suburbia. Now a shoe salesman would struggle to pay for a studio apartment without a roommate. Life is harder to afford and partnering makes life easier. Life is more complicated too. I really enjoy having my partner around because I feel a sense of connection that I don’t feel with my family or even my closest friends. I do believe that life is easier and much more fun with a partner. Kev notices when I am feeling depressed and takes me out to dinner. When I am less self aware about things I am going through, he gives me a wakeup call. I am the yin to his yang. Some nights we switch things up and I am the yang to his yin though (for the uninitiated, that was a pegging joke).
Nonmonogamy isn’t considered ok by mainstream society but a couple with a good grasp on their communication shouldn’t allow that discourage them from exploring. If BOTH of you want to give it a try, it becomes consensual non monogamy and you should consider it. It should be stated that there are some gendered differences in terms of the science behind nonmonogamy. The male fantasy of two women doesn’t have many psychological benefits in terms of science but it can be fun and a confidence boost for the man and even if there is no benefit, fulfilling fantasies together can be fun. The female side of the equation with two men can not only be exciting but it can be a wonderful confidence boost. I must warn you, this sort of threesome can feel very comfortable and natural in very little time. Opening yourself to non-monogamy scenario shouldn’t be a rash decision. You need to gauge yourself and your man to see if he can handle this sort of thing. While men can get wrapped up and turned on by the idea, tread lightly because there is really no going back. Opening myself to two men allowed me to be more comfortable with my sexuality and more in tune with what I want. It also allowed the sexual connection with Kev to become even more emotional. I was able to better separate the physical side of intimacy from the emotion side of intimacy.
This is the first time I am admitting it on this blog but I felt intense physical chemistry with our third and it bordered on love. I talked to Kev about this when it happened and I told Andrew (our third) my feelings as well. We lived together for a time during the pandemic lockdown and even discussed the idea of a long term poly relationship for a spell. You may have noticed that I never really posted a blog summing up our relationship with Andrew because I never really sorted out my emotions. I do want to say that this was a more physical and lust-based love than I have with Kev. I have a wonderfully intense emotional connection with Kev and my love for him grows stronger by the day. Even with Andrew in our lives I never questioned my love and commitment with Kev. I’m going to abruptly change the subject now because I am still not fully ready to explore this in written form.
Ok Emma, so the wealth divide and complicated culture is your argument for monogamy? No, not really. The argument for monogamy is because loving someone allows us to better love ourselves. This is a very personal decision and my preference certainly isn’t the right way. My preference is just that, my preference. I do think that many couples may want to explore the concept of strategic pluralism and use it to enhance their relationship by bringing a third into their bedroom but that decision isn’t right for everyone. Do what you are comfortable with and enjoy each other.
welcome back.. fun blog. I imagine that two women and a man could also be fun for the ladies, if they enjoy each other.
Does that mean if a woman was to stop taking birth control her preference could change from a man who is a emotional provider to a more masculine man?
Good question and the answer is yes. Check this out.
Hormones play a huge part of who we are attracted to and our sexual desire for that partner. Further proof that a separate love/lust and love/partner mate choice alternatives exist.
Great article Emma, as always. Thank you for the insight and wisdom you express in your excellent communicative, and straightforward way. For some of us, the idea of non-monogamy (my wife with another man) was something that was too scary to even allow discussion. Your pragmatic words have changed that.
Also, and not for nothing, thank you for the small reveal and peak into the long awaited “post-mortem” of your feelings and relationship with Andrew. It will be more than interesting to hear more when you feel ready to share more.
Welcome back. You were missed!
Thank you! I hope you have an amazing 2022!
Fantastic article Emma, another home run! Thank you ?
This is a thought provoking post
I find the whole consensual non-monogamy thing fascinating and wonder if, as a more enlightened society, we are now exploring other options available to us. Where we use to think why? are now thinking why not. There are so many more monogamous people tempted by the attraction to others, than those that act upon it. Those that don’t, are careful to not put themselves in a situation that would inevitably lead to acting on those desires. We have been conditioned to take our monogamous relationships seriously. People in general are always attracted to, and wanting the newest thing, it’s human nature.
The man in a relationship has the advantage from experience, of knowing how to sexually please his partner, whether it be with his touch, endowment, or toys. The only thing he can’t give, is the excitement of mystery and newness. A woman gets turned on to a new lover, by wondering what he is packing, how it might feel, how the overall experience may be. There is also the satisfaction and ego boost of arousing and giving satisfaction to someone new. If the the new lover gives a better sexual experience than her partner, can any woman with that knowledge, ever again be satisfied with their partner, knowing something better and exciting is out there? The old adage applies “ignorance is bliss”
Long term relationships are a challenge to keep the sexual attraction healthy and interesting, as anyone who’s in one will attest. Sex is a form of affection, so doing it with someone new, will inevitably lead to a emotional connection, as what happened to Emma. In order to avoid emotional attachments, experienced couples that play with non-monogamy, will often have a rule, to not play with the same outside partner too many times. In order for non-monogamy to work, the couple has to have four essentials, a solid relationship, good communication, both enjoying it, and rules to govern it all.
Emma you made this comment “tread lightly because there is really no going back” can you elaborate?
Thank you! My comment meant to imply that once you open the doors of non-monogamy, it is difficult to shut them. Please be certain to communicate with your partner before and during the experience. There is a tremendous opportunity for hurt feelings and regret. There is also a tremendous opportunity for a closer connection and a new level of intimacy with your partner. As with all things, just be certain that the two of you are ready to take this step together.
Well, I have much to say on that pandora’s box, lol
There is no shutting the door once its opened. So both parties better be ready for a complete lifestyle change. Once a couple introduces this into their marriage, all bets are off regarding monogamy. You really can’t go back imo. One or both of the parties are going to be left wishing and wanting that excitement again…and it will eventually cause problems.
@Ron … that was an incredible assessment of the non-monogamy landscape, ethical or otherwise. Thank you. Whereas once, not long ago, I was in the “no-fucking-way” camp, even after 10 years or so of being in a committed, loving Wife led marriage. Upon recent reflection, realizing that the basis for our WLM is compersion, I have evolved (see what I did there Emma?) into a husband that could see the possibility of it happening, and actually being good with it. I’m not the kind of man that naturally has a kink of wanting to see my wife have sex with another man, and presently, it is not something she has an interest in. I am, however, a husband that really does want to see his wife enjoy herself sexually in any manner that she may want. So if her feelings on the matter were to change, we’d be talking about it.
I know it isn’t currently a stated destination for us. What I don’t know is if we are on a path that will lead us there. We have adopted the use of me wearing her strapon using a dildo seems to make her very happy. I’ve even referred to it as her boyfriend when i wear it, or even if she uses it as alone time.
The lingering concern for me would be the propensity for an emotional attachment that would be ever present in something as intimate as fucking. As Emma as pointed out numerous times, there is a tremendous opportunity for a closer connection between a husband wife surely does exist, but it seems that the bridge to get there requires traveling along a razor-sharp edge that is navigable, as long the four essentials you speak of truly exist.
@subhubphx you know for many of us, some things are best left as fantasies.
I read somewhere, that more than half of men have this desire to have their lady take a lover, and a third of women have an interest in it as well. I don’t know where their data comes from, but I suspect it isn’t far from the truth. It is surprising though, that more men want this than the women who will benefit from it. Maybe women think it, but fear voicing it? For those who have engaged in consensual non-monogamy and made it work for them, have reported a better relationship with their spouse as a result. However the road to it, is also littered with failed relationships from it.
It is a good way though, for couples with significantly different sex drives to get their needs met.
It can also improve the main relationship, by making both partners up their efforts with each other, with the knowledge that there is competition. He will see his lady take more care in her appearance, as no doubt will he. Her extra relationship pleasure will make her happier and more interested in seeing that you receive the same in appreciation.
It can no doubt, put a spark back into a long term relationship. I think all the people who cheat on their spouses, should have first inquired about the possibility of consensual non-monogamy. Maybe there would be less breakups as a result. I have read some things, to conclude that women in the lifestyle are more successful in convincing other women to pursue non-monogamous sex, than her male partner can.
All you can do my friend, is plant the seed, and leave it at that, You can be sure she is thinking about it, no matter what she says.
“I have read some things, to conclude that women in the lifestyle are more successful in convincing other women to pursue non-monogamous sex, than her male partner can.”
I absolutely believe this to be true. Recently, Ms. K. and I had very preliminary, very surfacy conversation via email with a couple we have gotten to know but have never met. They live about 100 miles away so the idea of “meeting for dinner” was touched upon. Who knows what would’ve happened if we had met, but it was talked about in the context of, or having any expectation that there would be play. The other couple is also a Femdom D/s couple but that where the similarity stops. Her husband is a devout sissy “hubwife” and she is brilliant minded, uber successful professional person that sees to it that she gets everything she wants in her life. One of those things is having a boyfriend and a cuckold sissy husband. Anyway …. during our brief surfacy discussions about perhaps meeting for dinner, she made it very clear that she had every intention of convincing Ms. K. that she needed to take on a lover. When I told Ms. K. what our Domme friend said, she kind of smiled/smirked and said something to the effect that it looks like we’d be assured of interesting dinner conversation. So … a long way to go to tell you that I agree with your comment.
“All you can do my friend, is plant the seed, and leave it at that, You can be sure she is thinking about it, no matter what she says.”
I understand what you mean by this, but I don’t have a seed to plant because I’ve never had that fantasy on my own. However, there very well could be a seed planted by her that someday may germinate, and if it does, I’ll provide all the sunshine and water it needs to grow. Because I want to see her live her best life.
Thanks for the wisdom my friend.
My wife is most horny immediately before her period, which is obviously not when she is fertile.
And it’s like clockwork. Best sex of the month, by far!
It’s also how I know her period is about to arrive … it’s pretty obvious by her actions.
This may sound weird but sex during that time helps with period cramps. While bloating may make you feel yucky and unattractive it also puts extra pressure on your sensitive parts too. So yes, I will put my Dr. Emma stethoscope on and say that I think this is perfectly normal!
My wife also requested my services with cramps. Always happy to help.