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Our society has trained us to think that sex equals orgasm but what if a greater connection is to be found by redefining what sex actually is. The textbook definition of sexual intercourse is “heterosexual intercourse involving penetration of the vagina by the penis” but we all know that sex takes on many forms. If we were to use the textbook definition, oral sex, anal sex, pegging nor any other sex act not defined as heterosexual vaginal penis insertion. I think we can all establish that at least Merriam Webster’s definition is stupid. Let’s expand our quest for definition to the word intercourse “physical sexual contact between individuals that involves the genitalia of at least one person”. That definition gets us a little bit closer to accuracy. Accurate or not, it should be noted that neither of those definitions include anything about ejaculation. Society tells us that a sex act is defined by the male ejaculation. Sex starts when he gets hard and ends when he ejaculates. This of course leaves half of the equation in the lurch since our orgasms simply don’t matter but that is a topic for another day, let’s not allow Emma to get sidetracked here. I mean, she is already talking about herself in the third person. Sheesh.

So we’ve established that sex does not equal orgasm by either partner. Ok lets go back to the old dictionary for a definition of Karezza: Coitus Reservatus or “prolonged coitus in which ejaculation of sperm is deliberately withheld.” Karezza is sex devoid of male ejaculation. Alright, I’ll set my dictionary down for now.

Karezza is an approach to sexual satisfaction that fosters a deeply emotional connection without orgasm that is unique to an orgasm-less sexual experience.

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Female Partner Attraction

Nature wants us to have multiple partners and we are designed to procreate and breed. Pair bonding is inherently unnatural to us but many of us find great pleasure in having a long term partnership with another.

Do you ever find yourself attracted to your partner emotionally but not craving him sexually? Interestingly enough, the female body is designed to desire different men for different purposes at different points in our hormonal cycle. This means that we want some men for sex and other men for emotional support. We may want our emotional support from one source but desire physical needs from another. If this all sounds very complicated, it is. To top things off, hormonal birth control takes female attraction confusion to an entirely new level.

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I received a contact form several nights ago from a man that asked why I don’t just date an alpha male if I want someone like that. Why “put Kev through” non monogamy when he isn’t what I am looking for? To correct him straightaway; Kev IS what I am looking for but I think we should clarify that women approach relationships in two different ways.

The Bonding Guy

Humans need to create a bond and foster loving relationships with an intense bond. This intense bond ensures that a couple will stay together and protect each other. Traditionally these challenging situations include foraging for food, raising children or protecting the woman through a vulnerable pregnancy. A bonding partner is typically a kind an intellectual man who can connect with our intelligence. Confidence is important in this type of partner but so is vulnerability and calmness. Those of us (like myself) who identify as sapiosexual can identify with intense attraction in this sort of partnership. We desire the bonding guy as relationship material and often describe him as so. This is also the guy whom we tell our parents and friends about.

The Mating Guy

Humans also need to mate, they mate for the purpose of populating (or overpopulating) the earth and securing the longevity of our species. If mating and bonding were to be compared, you would probably call mating “fucking” and bonding would be classified as “making love”. The mating partner is the man who our bodies crave for genetically strong male traits such as confidence, muscular upper body, forearms and a strong jawline with chiseled good looks. The confidence in this sort of guy can even border on cockiness. The mating guy is the friend with benefits or the guy we don’t tell our friends and family about. The mating guy is the late night booty call or the hookup after a party but not the dinner with friends guy.

So why can’t you have both with the same person? You can! You can absolutely have both bonding and mating with the same partner however you will often end up with a mediocre bond and a middle of the road mate. As humans, we simply are not wired to be two very different roles for another person. As females, we will over the course of the relationship try and change The Mating Guy into The Bonding Guy because the bonding guy is more important to us most of the time.

Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships by [Marnia Robinson, Douglas Wile Ph.D.]

If this interests you and you want to learn more, I would highly recommend the book Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow by Marnia Robinson. This book explains the benefits of Karezza in scientific and very relatable detail. I’ve attempted to reach out to “The Karezza Couple” featured in one of the videos above but didn’t have any luck. Their Twitter and Instagram appear to be defunct but I was able to find their website. I’d be curious to know if Paul & Shelby decided to move away from Karezza or if they broke up. Either way, I’d love to know where they are today in terms of their relationship.

A Female First Approach to Lovemaking

Karezza is an approach to lovemaking that allows men and women to approach sex with sensuality first and orgasm second. This approach puts the female needs first and foremost and makes the man the ultimate bonding partner. As the man learns more about his true needs, he will quickly embrace Karezza as a stronger form of intimacy and sexual fulfillment than society’s typical definition of sexuality. Other implements such as pegging and male chastity can add even more excitement and connection to your relationship. For couples who enjoy both Karezza and pegging, the man is able to experience vulnerable sexuality as it relates to accepting his lover into his body. Shifting from giving to a receiving in a sexual context can make the sex feel less like a performance to men. When performing, men often feel like they are distanced from their emotions. When receiving, there is no pressure on staying hard and satisfying their mate. Sexual performance is a huge source of sexual anxiety for many men which can result in sexual dysfunction such as erectile and ejaculatory problems.

What are your thoughts on Karezza? For those of you familiar with Karezza, does the use of a male chastity device enhance the practice? Are there other books that you would recommend?

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Raul

Emma, I’m really pleased to see you addressing this topic. Karezza completely changed sex for my partner and I since we started 5 years ago. We now “connect” at least five times a week, floating in a cloud of bliss for 30-90 minutes. We do orgasm occasionally, which is fine except it takes me a few days to get my mojo back, which I hate, hers not so much. I have difficulty holding back my ejaculation when she orgasms, but have learned how to orgasm without ejaculation, sometimes… I get excited just thinking about it – typing this response in self-imposed chastity wearing a Holy Trainer, haha. Besides Karezza practice benefiting our relationship, it’s also really upped my general energy level, probably just due to not having a refractory period of “down-time”. I’m 74, my partner is 82, we’ve been together 53 years.

Regarding books, I recommend Diana Richardson’s Slow Sex or Tantric Orgasm for Women. Also, J. William Lloyd’s and Alice B. Stockham’s old books are available on Kindle or scattered through the internet. There is also some really bad advice out there, such as The Gentleman’s Guide to Karezza Sex by Nick Brothermore.

There are other approaches we’ve tried with semen retention, which for me started after reading Yoga Girl’s blog a few years ago. Although my partner doesn’t like to take charge of when I can cum, the thought of it is very exciting for me. Have you seen A Married Woman’s Guide at https://toy4her.wordpress.com?

Phil Anonymous

Having ED, what my wife and I do could probably be described as a form of Karezza. I never thought of it but I suppose it resembles it. I rarely come close to ejaculating due to a past health issue, so I try to pleasure my wife as best I can and get pleasure from pleasuring her. I know the chastity device I wear most of the time is basically theatre, though the lock is real and the device is there much of the time. It’s a reminder that I asked her to be in charge. Ironically, my wife enjoys our relationship since she is at the center of it. I pleasure her and depend on her for teasing or prostate play.

subhubphx

Perhaps in support of how society has trained us to view heterosexual relationships, I offer this quote from that and widely known great philosopher (unknown):

“When a woman is in love, she offers sex. When a man wants sex, he offers love.” – unknown

Lil devil

Hi Emma! First of all the best intimate sex for me is intercourse with a mutual orgasm. Yes it can be tricky to achieve but SO WORTH IT! I’m probably a bit different from the typical man in that the vulnerability of it immediately makes me seek to be cuddled. I will lay on my side cock up a leg and an arm and bury my face in her neck. The reaction to this ls so spontaneous there is no way that it can be anything but real. I get this ‘squeal’ of absolute delight and then she attempts to squeeze me to death! This is Exactly the reassurance that I need at that point. On the point of the point of the bonding guy and the relationship guy I get it. I am the ideal relationship guy,I love intament communication, giving love, etc, etc but if you go seek to get your sexual needs met with some hunk of beefcake your gonna lose me. That’s me, if it works for you and your lover than that’s great but there is one more point to consider. If you want children and find them with the’ mateing’ guy then it’s going to be HIS jeans that are passed along. Is this what you really want for the next generation?

spankandblow

There is a song by Lit which I always thought captures the life cycle of many relationships:

“You make me come. You make me complete. You make me completely miserable.”

Stevesub

Hi Emma, interesting take as always.

I don’t think I go along with the one guy for fucking and the other for loving scenario, for me it seems that our species is evolved for monogamy, not least because of the very long time our children take to grow up and leave the nest.

However, that’s all in our genetic past and our evolved brains have discovered entertainment and imagination as our social evolution gives us leisure time, so I think what we do with relationships and genitals these days is more linked to the latter.

Of course, our sexual natures and appetites have been messed with over centuries by those seeking power and control over us, notably organised religions that have ruined millions of lives. It’s not too long ago that attitudes such as yours and mine would have seen us persecuted and worse.

Sorry, off-track there, except to say that thank goodness I’m alive now in an age where anything other than missionary-seeking-pregnancy is an aberration.

When I began my journey into FLR, submission and chastity I did spend some time looking at Karezza because of its permanent orgasm-denial aspect. Those who practice it though seem to me to be into spirituality rather than kink, and cock cages don’t seem to be part of it. That’s not to say of course that kink can’t have spiritual aspects, but they’re not central as in Karezza.

Karezza also seems to prefer if not require both partners to be participants, so it’s a mutual equal thing rather than a power thing which, as a submissive, I need. My wife likes lots of orgasms and, as she sees the benefits to her of having me permanently orgasm-free, she also has grown to enjoy her power, so again that doesn’t fit in with Karezza. She, of course, bounces back from multiple orgasms immediately while I definitely do not (I have a hormonal downer which takes some days to leave me).

But we do have our big brains and our appetites and preferences, so that gives us a huge resource-pack from which to decide what works for us and to tinker with those resources to make them fit even better. It may not have been the original intent of the inventor, but I go straight to my bottom line: if it feels good and doesn’t do harm, do that.

spankandblow

When you say we are not evolved for monogamy, I’m not sure what that means. I think human history and experience have shifted us toward monogamy, but we realize it is a compromise and often a very bad compromise. Non-monogamy carries the risk of losing someone we love, but it also affords us what monogamy denies: sexual variety and sexual growth through the cross pollination of new ideas about what sex is and what sex can be. I guess I would say that our mammalian brain has a biological imperative to spread our DNA as far as it can. But we also seek stability. Emma, your other post about how women desire a bonding partner and a mating partner is “right on.” Of course, I would disagree that that is strictly for women because I think men equally want one woman as our soulmate and other women who fulfill sexual desires and fetishes. The problem is that our partners are often uncomfortable with that arrangement because they fear losing us. Or perhaps they are jealous that others get to share us. Even with compersion it is hard for many couples to square that circle, but I have no doubt it can be done if a couple can learn to have deep abiding love while allowing for the possibility of extra partners when the relationship needs spice.

HappyCuckold

Emma, I think I agree with you that we are not evolved for monogamy. But I am curious whether that applies only to women or to men and women equally. You describe a relationship in which the woman has a “bonding partner” and a “mating partner”—or perhaps more than one mating partner depending on her sex drive and her desire for variety? I take it that you would expect your bonding partner to be faithful to you. In other words, your bonding partner should be monogamous. Is that correct? Does that mean that you see monogamy as natural for men but not for women?

I identify with the bonding partner you describe. My wife has had sex with other men, but we have agreed that I am to be faithful to her. Also, she rarely has penetrative sex with me because she finds that kind of sex more satisfying with other men who are better at it. I make love to my wife in other ways that are deeply satisfying, but we don’t “fuck”, as you put it.

Does that mean that non-monogamy is natural for my wife but not for me? I don’t think so. I think I also have a natural craving for sexual variety. But even greater than my natural desire for sexual variety is the masochistic pleasure I get from the seeming unfairness or inequality of our arrangement. That seems strange even to me, but that’s just how I am.

Anyway, I wonder how you see your arrangement with Kev. Do you see him as being naturally monogamous, unlike you, or do you see his faithfulness to you as a sort of sacrifice he makes to deepen his emotional bond to you?

HappyCuckold

Yes, I think I can understand what you are saying. Because men’s sexual needs are more easily satiated than the sexual needs of women, a wife can give her husband all the sexual attention he needs, but she may need more than one man to satisfy her needs. That rings true to me, but then I am not sure I am a normal man. One thing is certain: when my wife enjoys the attentions of other men, she seems to have more sexual energy to give to me. That means that if I tried to keep her sexual energy to myself by demanding sexual fidelity of her, that would diminish the erotic energy between us. But because my male sexual energy is more limited, my having sex with another woman would deplete the sexual energy available to my wife. Thus, it is beneficial for our marriage for my wife to have sexual liberties that are denied to me. Is that what you are thinking?

spankandblow

I feel this blog is beyond agreement or disagreement. It is about a particular way of seeing the world. There are statements which don’t ring true for me, but I know that there are men and women who agree with things like:

“…male sexual energy is better focused on one female…”

“…female sexuality is more complicated than that of men…”

“… That validation I think is where men and women differ…”

These broad generalizations are not so much facts as templates which form a prism through which you and the intended audience view the world.

HappyCuckold

Emma, what you say rings true to me, but I am probably not representative of men in general because I am sexually masochistic and submissive. I have a question to clarify the first paragraph of your response. You say that “after a night of dancing or flirting I take out my heightened sexual energy on Kev.” That is exactly how it is for my wife and me. Our sex life is most exciting for both of us when she is enjoying extramarital erotic fun. But I am not certain what you mean when you say when you say, “Where things begin to differ is when we go through with some sort of physical intimacy such as making out or further.” Does the “we” in that sentence refer to you and Kevin or to you and the other men you dance and flirt with?

spankandblow

I am a little confused when you say that women don’t need sexual validation as much as men do, but go on to say you needed validation through fitness and flirting. Are you saying you’re more like a man in that sense?

While I am fully supportive of your female dominant view of things, I sometimes get concerned that you’re conflating facts with a worldview.

spankandblow

Once again, Emma impresses with her ability to show the world through a different pair of eyes. I am a male dominant and have been for 22 years, but I love to meet female dominants (although Emma is or wasn’t ready to call her relationship BDSM) because I think we learn to become better at what we do when we study the techniques of others. It is also the case that most people are not dominant all the time. Men may be dominant in the office and submissive in bed. And women may be submissive in the office and dominant in bed. Or vice versa.

Reading Emma’s blog is like picking up a James Bond book but Bond is now a woman named Jane. Her bosses are all female and the secretaries and support staff are all male. Jane Bond loves to pinch the office boys on the booty as she goes out to her next assignment. I’m sure some writer on here will steal an idea like that. You’re welcome.

I still have no interest in female led relationships (blech) or caging or “female first” lovemaking. But I doubt I will ever have anything but respect for Emma’s work. It is really top notch. I don’t think any blog in the country is putting out material of this quality on this topic. There is no doubt in my mind that this community will grow in size because of Emma and her dedication to providing intelligent information for women exploring leadership in bed and men seeking to find their place beneath her.

And Emma, props again, your use of verbal manipulation is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Arguing compellingly that men will enjoy being anally penetrated because it takes the pressure off them to perform. They enjoy this newfound “freedom” which comes from being the toy of their female lover. It is just so beautifully written. I don’t think I have ever seen such well-constructed arguments in support of male submission. In awe. Total props to you, Emma.

HappyCuckold

As a male submissive, I think I agree with you, spankandblow. I find Emma’s worldview and her arguments for male submission incredibly sexy. But that’s because of the way I am wired, I think, not because her generalizations about the differences between men and women are applicable to everyone.

spankandblow

There is no doubt that my comments are genuine. I don’t agree with some arguments made on here, so, to me, they sound like verbal manipulation, but it is like advertising. I don’t have to like the product to enjoy the saleswomanship. You are a master at attracting fireflies to your wonderous light. The depth of each one of your articles indicates the degree to which you take your blogging mission seriously. When you wrote the article on CFNM, you chose to include lots of pictures and videos to put a visual imprint on the ideas. This attracts your audience to your message. You really are a master of this medium.

HappyCuckold

Emma, that is one of the sexiest posts I have ever read. I just had to say that.

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