We can only control a few aspects of our sexual performance and the sheer futility of our sexual condition is one of the things that makes it arousing. When you embrace sexual inadequacy, you enable his desire to satisfy you and reinforce those desires with praise.
Size play, stamina play, and even talk of infidelity and cuckolding can be really exhilarating. The sexual power afforded by these types of play is jaw dropping. Not only is it sexual power but it is sexual power over your partner. This sexual power is an opportunity to gamify deep emotions like vulnerability, jealousy and humiliation. When you accept his vulnerability, you collect the sexual energy of the relationship back to you.
As you play, the most important part of the play is the narrative. Tell him why it is happening and why he deserves it. You can even extend the narrative. A few examples of fantasy narrative:
I am playing with this big dildo while you watch because yours is so much smaller. Your smaller cock can never satisfy me like this big one. Tell me I deserve a big cock.
Your husband is probably just fine in bed, his cock is clearly smaller than the toy but most likely does the job just fine. So why would you even go down this road? Well let me tell you! Fear of sexual inadequacy causes a dopamine response which can be addictive. This dopamine response is the same sort of response as a fight or flight type of scenario but it is arousing and can be very addicting to both of us.
How important is sex in your relationship? If you are anything like me, your answer will be VERY. For me there are some nuances though. Sex is important to me because a physical connection is every bit as important as an emotional connection to me. This many not be the same for everyone but it is for me. If you value sex, you need to ask a follow up question. Is my partner unhappy with our sex life as well? If your answer is yes, you may need to talk about how to get on the same page physically. Some of us just aren’t compatible sexually and it takes work to get on the same page. Sexual inadequacy and sexual humiliation play might just be the jumper cables to the nipples reboot that your relationship needs.
When sex is present, things are generally good even if the sex isn’t actually that great. When sex is absent, it is noticeably absent and we crave a replacement for that energy.
What do men feel inadequate about?
The size of his thingy doesn’t dictate the quality of his lovemaking. It really doesn’t. A nicely sized and shaped penis attached to a wonderful man is far better than a huge penis attached to an incompatible man.
Let’s talk about Mr. Minute Man. The moment he puts it in, she shoots his prize. That doesn’t make for a wonderful physical connection. The intimacy is in the foreplay but sex may seem one-sided since the physical connection will suffer. How about Mr. Hour man. When his stamina is too long he takes forever to finish, sex can make you resentful as you find yourself wishing sex would end. Sex is wonderful when you find yourself wanting more but when it ends before it even started or when you find yourself wishing it would end. There is a happy medium in here somewhere.
- Body Image
You look in the mirror and see something less than what you wish it could be. He is no different. He sees a chubby tummy, a double chin or muscles that he wishes were there. Male body image is a thing and a big source of feelings of inadequacy.
Why would you use his feelings of inadequacy against him?
You aren’t actually using his feelings against him. You are using his insecurities to provoke an emotional response. Men are typically poor at feeling and communicating their emotions. Playing in a space like this gives you both the opportunity to feel emotional highs and lows like no other. It should be stated that this sort of play should never be one sided. It should always be discussed and the line should be evaluated constantly. Did I cross the line? Where is the line today? Every session should be reinforced with verbal reassurance. This is not “using it against him” this is using emotions as a tool to experience a deeper emotional connection with him. In short, we get a rush when shame turns to arousal in intense situations that make us feel embarrassment or humiliation.
I feel guilty, I can’t do this.
Then don’t. If you both aren’t comfortable than you shouldn’t do it. Sexual humiliation is a deep rabbit hole and we are just scratching the surface here. I personally have learned to enjoy light erotic humiliation because I like the emotional responses that I get from him. I love to see him experience a roller coaster of emotions. When I can see him feel jealous, loved, humiliated, encouraged, degraded, proud within the course of several minutes I know that we’ve experienced this together.
Where do I even start?
Start with conversation. Talk about humiliation and how it makes him feel. If this isn’t for him, don’t do it. Assuming you want to give it a start, begin with some light humiliation to gauge his reactions and go from there. Begin with some light quips as a retort to his advances. For example, if he says something like “I’ll show you a big dick” you can respond and say “Oh yeah? Certainly not that one.” and point to his crotch. Gauge his response. When you are laying down for a sexual encounter, ask him if it gets any bigger. If he is a minute man, start the encounter by telling him if he lasts less than a minute, you are going to lock him up in a chastity cage. If he is an hour man, set a timer and tell him that he only gets the priviliges of being with you for ten minutes, fifteen minutes or whatever your perfect sexual duration might be. If he finishes before the timer, he may cum. If he doesn’t finish before the timer then he can wait until your next experience together before he can finish.
This is just a game
This is not real life. This is just a game. Constantly evaluate where you stand. You want him to feel something but you don’t want him to feel like you’ve knocked the wind out of him. His feelings are still incredibly important to you. Always have a safe word so you can escape the game at any time.
Your sex life isn’t as great as it once was.
A dose of honesty but it is the truth! The reasons can be many; erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation to a lack of variety and subsequent boredom. This is true with every long term relationship, sexual humiliation is a wonderful way to feel butterflies and re-light the flame of passion in your relationship. As your lives grow more intertwined, you physical connection becomes a distant third or fourth as your emotional bond becomes stronger. Despite your best intentions, the closeness of emotional intimacy is often at odds with physical intimacy over time.
Lock his penis up in a cage, this shifts the relationship dynamic using orgasm denial. When he must look to you for permission to orgasm, he is reliant on you for his sexual satisfaction. Read more here.
While pegging isn’t inherently about humiliation, it can be. A few nicely placed words can take the most gentle and sensual experience and turn it into a degrading and humiliating one.
This one is great both in and out of the bedroom. I show Kev my pinky finger and smile at him wickedly while he is driving, while we are at the grocery store or anywhere really. What does it evoke from him? Typically a smile and a hug! Our sexy games bring us closer together.
Don’t start with this one but when a man watches his partner with another man in any context, it provokes an emotional defense response. Jealousy and subsequent reclaiming and conversation can make the bond between the two of you even stronger. Not ready for cuckolding? Start with a fantasy. Make up a fantasy of an imaginary bull who is better endowed, can last longer, is more muscular or whatever your pleasure may be. Give him a name and talk about him in conversation. “Maybe I should have Fabio come over and take care of it”. Ok Fabio may not be a realistic enough name but you get the point.
If you think that you might be ready for cuckolding, talk about it and give it a try. I recommend doing it with someone you don’t see on a regular basis. Preferably while visiting a town that is far enough from your home that this fella doesn’t pop up and try to work his way into your life. Find a guy who understands that he is a vehicle for your fantasy and nothing more. This experience is for the wife, not the husband and it is not about replacing something that is missing but finding a deeper connection in your relationship. It is about a woman finding her sexual confidence, her sexual energy and making her feel in control of a purely sexual relationship. For the man, the loss of control is simultaneously humiliating and invigorating because he has enabled his wife to empower herself sexually. That sexual energy, regardless of the source gives a man a tremendous source of sexual satisfaction.
It is about denial
Men often see sex as a finite resource. If she had sex with him, she cannot have sex with me. If she uses her vibrator now, she will not have sex with me afterwards. This is of course absurd but men are hard wired to react emotionally when we see feel like our source of sexual supply is threatened. Comments about his lack of size or stamina are said in such a way that they imply other men may be bigger or better.
Make him talk!
Men are notoriously poor communicators. Be verbal with your scenarios and don’t ask him questions that can suffice with a yes or no answer. Begin questions with “tell me how it feels to…” rather than “does it feel good to…”. Don’t accept brief answers, expectations should be known that every one of your questions should be met with at least two sentence response. How does it feel to know that I am in control of your orgasms now? Tell me how much you like it when I bend you over the bed and fuck you with my strap-on. Be overly graphic with your questions to invoke a sense of arousal in his responses.
Sexual humiliation is about sexual confidence.
Many men find your confidence to be the most arousing thing about sexual humiliation play. There is no doubt that it takes a confident woman to say some of these things. It takes a mixture of snark and sarcasm mixed with a huge dose of love and affection. Sexual humiliation is about the woman taking the reins of the sexual relationship and men find that downright sexy. This is especially true when he loves you deeply and wants to see the passion and desire in your eyes. There is nothing sexier than an empowered woman taking charge of her own sexuality. Sexual energy is not taken from one partner to the other, it is the spark that creates an inferno of brand new sexual energy in the relationship. Our philosophy is to live in the fire and not be overly afraid of getting burned.
It has been way too long since my last post. Sorry for the delay, everyone. Emergency surgery followed by a difficult recovery process made my sexual side shrivel up and hide. You can read more about it here. Kev has been taking care of me and helping me mend. He is amazing!