There. I said it. Unleash the flood gates of hate mail. I’ll start with the preface that nothing is inherently bad or good but cuckolding is a fetish that is hard wired into many of us. Many of us; men in particular find a sort of emotional high from cuckolding that can be traced back to psychological trauma and use fetishization and sexualization to turn the psychological frown of infidelity upside down. I’m not one to speak to how healthy it might be to romanticize past traumas but be self aware and realize if this fetish may be doing more harm than good.
I’ll use husband and wife for the blog but please know that the roles can be flip-flopped and cuckolding is just as common in the LBGTQ community. Despite my pronouns, this applies to you too!
1- Forcing It
In so many couples, the man researches cuckolding and watches cuckold porn for years desensitizing him to the idea. He then throws the idea out to his wife and expects her to jump onboard with the idea. She on the other hand is confused. What am I doing wrong that I can’t satisfy his needs? Why would he want to see someone have sex with me?
2- Husband First
Many men make cuckolding purely about the pang of jealousy and rush of endorphins that they receive when they watch another man with their wife. He wants to experience this high at the expense of the relationship and the wife’s wants and needs. A true cuckold relationship is a construct where the woman’s sexual needs are first and the man’s needs are secondary. She is truly empowered and not used as a tool for the man’s erotic fantasy. In the fantasy, the man gives another man permission to fuck his wife. This is not only objectifying the woman but whoring her out. No wonder she doesn’t like the idea! Women are often eager to please their husband and will agree to something that will make her resentful and sabotage the relationship.
3- A Slippery Slope
Cuckolding is a long list of fetishes and while fetishes can be great for a couple to enjoy together, they are something that should be enjoyed together with plenty of communication and discussion. If cuckolding is a checkbox on your list of sexy things to try, be aware that you should take it seriously. Cuckolding will unquestionably give her feelings of guilt and confusion. It will undoubtedly give him feelings of jealousy, confusion and perhaps anger. In the perfect world the couple will experience pure joy and compersion but that rarely happens the first time. Cuckolding can become a spectacle and may lead to other things such as male chastity, pegging, crossdressing etc. Realize that none of these things are related to cuckolding. If the two of you decide to experience cuckolding or any of these other things together, approach them all separately. Have a conversation about what you hope to get from it, potential pitfalls and an exit strategy or safe word to end things abruptly if they cause unpleasant feelings.
4- An Old Flame
Many couples discuss the sizes of past lover’s genitalia and that conversation is a great discussion about the likes and dislikes about sexual encounters of the past. Most of these relationships are in the past for a reason and should be left there. If they had feelings for each other, realize that you are playing with fire since the sexual energy will almost certainly rekindle that old flame. While she may be able to dismiss or write off those feelings, she will still be faced with dealing with a potential threat to your relationship. An old fuck buddy or friend with benefits is safer since the feelings were fewer but tread lightly. A new stud that she can objectify and separate emotionally is almost always the best method. She can use him for his body and he is a new experience with you rather than reliving and old experience and reminding of old sexual or romantic memories.
5- Low Self Esteem
Men sometimes turn to cuckolding as a way to fetishize their feelings of not being good enough. If the man has a deep lack of self worth or inferiority, they can turn to cuckolding as a way to increase the sexual value of their partner. By association, they increase their own sexual value because they are married to a more desirable mate.
6- His Porn Star
He wants you to be his own personal porn star. This doesn’t sound so bad on the surface, he may sugar coat this by telling you that he only has eyes for you. He may feel like seeing you with another man who he perceives to be better in some way will give you more sexual pleasure. More sexual pleasure is good (uh hello!) but doing so at his bidding is using you as a tool for his own sexual pleasure and objectifies your sexuality. The word “his” is problematic, in that you are not his. If you were to change this to “a porn star” then it might be a bit better. Ultimately it comes down to sexual confidence. If you are considering cuckolding because it increases your sexual confidence then you are probably safe. If you are doing it to satiate his sexual urges or fetishes then it will only hurt your sexual confidence.
A masterclass in why font and typography are really important considerations #BadCuck #BadLuck pic.twitter.com/NYLXTtHroA— #JoeyBartROY (@goldenstatenz) March 4, 2017
7- Male Sexual Problems
Many couples jump into cuckoldry as a way to overcome sexual problems. He can’t get hard, well let’s find a guy who can. He cums too quick, well let’s find a guy who lasts longer. He can’t cum, ok we can find a guy who can cum. He has a low sexual desire, let’s find a guy who desires her like no other. Cuckolding can be a viable way of working through sexual issues but to what end. What about size? Many men want to see their partner with a penis that resembles something in porn. Guess what guys his nine inch appendage looks incredibly uncomfortable. Your four or five incher is just fine and hits all of our buttons. Sex for women is more about connecting and intimacy anyway, not about pounding and stretching every orifice in sight. Again, take my comment with a grain of salt. I certainly have some friends who married a man who isn’t quite their idea of penile perfection and a larger one might be nice.
8- Rebooting Her Desire
When many women are in long term relationships, we lose sexual desire. Women are more driven by NRE or new relationship energy. This isn’t always the case and many men are the same way. As we take work stress and family responsibilities; sexual urges can take a back seat. An easy solution is to give her sexual experiences that recreate the feelings of butterflies and sexual anxiety of a first time encounter.
NRE isn’t required and making sex important by understanding that it completes the feedback loop of sexual energy in our relationship, we can reboot the desire ourselves.
9- Male Size
This one can probably fall into male sexual problems or low self esteem but I wanted to call it out separately. The male ego is tied directly to his penis. Men see their penis as an extension of their masculinity. Big cock equals manly alpha male. Small cock equals wimpy beta male. Men try to make up for this by buying sports cars, big trucks or acting like assholes. Guess what, cock size does not make the man. Women find so many other attributes attractive and cock size is just one of the many things that makes up who you are.
10- Racist Undertones
The blatant racism that runs rampant in the cuckold fetish bothers me. The man who does the cucking in a cuckold triad is called a bull, he is typically well endowed dominant alpha male and he is almost always black. I spoke about this at length in my blog entitled “The Big Black Bull-shit“. I won’t go into too much detail but seeing a black man as a threat to your white wife is bullshit. Read my other blog if you want to hear me rant about that more.
Should You Try It?
Looking at the most common PornHub searches, there is a recurring theme of inappropriate and taboo sexual encounters. Step mom, boss’s daughter, friend’s wife, locker room; all of these have a certain level of inappropriateness and many men get sucked in to the taboo of it all. Do you really want to see your wife in the arms of another man or are you just chasing the next dopamine hit of a porn addicted, sexually desensitized mind?
I’ve intentionally shit on the cuckold fetish with this blog but I do think that it might be a good fit for some couples. If you want to read the counter arguments, check out a few of the blogs below and please, please, please communicate with your partner to make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons.
Another excellent post Emma. Thank you. I know you occasionally catch some shit from a variety of sources about the (wrong) perception that you overly promote cuckolding and thus putting healthy and happy relationships at risk. It’s bullshit. It was then and it is now, should anyone still believe that.
Arguably, the previous blogs of yours mentioned in this blog may be perceived as “pro cuck”, while this might be perceived as “anti-cuck”. The most important, no vital, things are front and center in all of them, and that is meaningful, complete and deep communication between husband and wife. It’s one the things that is great about you and this entire site.
I’ve mostly always felt that the cuckolding kink is and can be a beautiful thing that can deepen an already deep relationship … depending of course on the people involved. As you so expertly pointed out in this blog, there are plenty of men who have desensitized themselves through year of marinating in porn and fantasizing about watching their woman fuck someone else. Eventually these men present the idea to their wife and in doing so, basically relegate their wife to a fetish peddler or their personal porn star (whore) … AND have basically convinced themselves that they are doing their wife a favor by giving her a hall pass for sex with other men. I’m no expert, but I do know that when a couple enters into non-monogamy i this way, it almost invariably ends in disaster for many of the reasons you point to here.
However, it’s an entirely different matter if it originates with the wife. It’s been my belief that when it is something the wife wants to pursue, then and only then can compersion have a chance to be really experienced by the husband. I’ve mentioned to you and others before that Ms. K. presently has no interest in pursuing another lover. Her reasons are hers. Ever since we first got together almost 25 years ago, it was not something I had thought of as a kink for us and so I’ve never nudged her in that direction. In the early days, especially before entering our WLM, it would’ve been a hard limit NO for me. Currently, although I still don’t want it to happen as a kink of mine, but I have evolved (see what I did there Emma) into the kind of husband that would allow it to happen if it were something that decided she wanted to do. Because …. of compersion, which is something I have truly been able to not only learn and embrace, but has become my primary source of sexual pleasure with her.
Thanks for the great read Emma! Once again, you knocked it out of the park!
Although my wife and I have enjoyed cuckolding, I have to acknowledge that the psychological dangers you outline are real, so you aren’t going to get any hate mail from me.
I think you bring up some very important problems with cuckolding here, but the title of the post is misleading. It’s not cuckolding in itself what’s unhealthy, but cuckolding done for the wrong reasons or in a bad and selfish way.
In my opinion cuckolding can be a beautiful and in many aspects natural extension of a female led marriage, and if done right, it can and does make the relationship stronger.
In our case it started because my wife (after 15 years of monogamous marriage) expressed her interest dating other men. I decided to support her, even though it was hard and very challenging for me in the beginning. I believe that this allowed us to evolve together and now we’re closer than ever.