Our partner really only knows what we tell them and the rest is based upon conjecture from our actions or their own past experiences. It is important that you share what you love most about your partner so he or she knows the value and esteem that they hold in your eyes. This should be obvious, right? I love everything about him! Ok captain vague, let’s get very specific and intentional about letting him/her know how you feel. This is written from my perspective toward my husband Kev but I think many of you would benefit by doing something similar. You don’t need to write it out, that is just my style because I like to be certain that nothing remains unsaid. For most; a conversation would be more than sufficient.
Why does our society encourage partnerships? What is the purpose of marriage? Leo Tolstoy (War and Peace) once said “Love does not exist. There exists the physical need for intercourse and the rational need for a mate in life.” I know that the hormonal cocktail that we call love does exist but in the purest form, I think Count Tolstoy is right. We want love but during the times that love fades, we still need to meet our most basic needs. Does your partner satisfy the most basic physical needs of intercourse? How about the rational need for a mate in life? Does he know if you ever feel deficient in one of those categories? When both of those boxes are checked, does he know it?
Why do I need to be specific?
Being intentional and specific about the things that your partner adds to your life ensures that those things will never disappear. If he fills a void of any kind in your life, he should know that this brings great value to you. This is reassurance of your relationship quality. If he is scolded only when a certain need is not met but not praised when all of your needs are satiated then he may think that your relationship is always operating from a place of deficit. He may think that he is always less than enough to satisfy you. While this may result in a man who is always pushing to satisfy and striving to go the extra mile, it can be exhausting and demotivating.
You satisfy my emotional needs!
I have a innate need for security and safety in a relationship which comes from relationship uncertainty that my mom had in her life. She ingrained the importance of emotional stability and security in me and that instilled certain needs that I seek from a partner. You give me a sense of stability and comfort that I need. You satiate my rational need for a mate in life. You provide for me financially and while this makes me sound like I am a gold digger, I’m really not that shallow and you don’t have that much gold to dig. I think my desire really comes down to society’s traditional roles of the male breadwinner and female caregiver. I don’t need you to be a millionaire, I just need to feel like my basic needs will be met and my life won’t be a struggle. I want to live comfortably with you and I want to be dependent with you but I also want to be independent from you. We don’t plan to have children together but I think the maternal instinct comes to play here too. A partner with power, influence and money makes me feel like I will be able to care for children. Those imaginary future kids that I never plan on mothering but my body tells me that I need to prepare for. Yep, those kids.
You satisfy my physical needs!
The physical need for intercourse exists but the physical needs for sex goes so much deeper than intercourse. Holding hands, cuddling, those can be so much more gratifying than a roll in the hay. Do you satisfy me sexually all of the time? Nope. Sometimes I am left wanting more. Do you I satisfy you sexually all of the time? I am sure that many times I leave you wanting more or perhaps wishing that you were unlocked! I bet you wish I was thinner in the chunky areas, thicker in the meaty areas and maybe a size or two bigger in the bust. Even with the imperfections that we both bring, we choose each other.
You don’t satisfy me completely.
Now that your partner knows what he brings to the table, it is time for some hard hitting truths. You don’t satisfy me completely and it isn’t your job to satisfy me. Your job is to bring the best version of you to our marriage and that is all I can ask. I am completely happy with your best version even on the days that you fall short of your version of perfection and I want you to be happy with yourself on those days as well! Forgot to give me a birthday card? We will get through it. Couldn’t make things work perfectly in the bedroom? I have toys. Missed our anniversary? You better have that shit tattooed on your phone but we will get through it. Do your best, be your best and know that we will both have shortcomings. I know I come up short and I expect you to come up short. You meet my emotional needs and perfectly embody the requirements for a mate that Tolstoy so eloquently dictated. You are the rational choice.
You accept and enjoy that I need to feel sexually alive and my needs for more than you may be able to offer sexually sometimes. You share my sexual curiosity, my desire to push boundaries and my need to feel the entire spectrum of my sexuality. You accept my physical need for intercourse and are on the journey to explore every last detail of sexuality with me.
This didn’t start out as an ode to Kev but I took it there. I have a few other blogs that I’m writing but Andrew left a few days ago and Kev and I are exploring how that makes us feel. I went for a walk this morning and realized that I need to make sure he knows just how important he is to me. He is my husband after all. ?