All men are not alike just as all women are not alike. Many women find a dominant male attractive, let’s unpack the reasons. We are all wired to appreciate dominance. As a woman, we are wired to look for trust and we can fully trust a partner that makes you feel like your needs will be cared for. Nothing is a bigger turn off than a guy who is untrustworthy. This carries many forms, this could be someone who is manipulative, passive aggressive or generally threatens our ability to feel cared for. As male and female gender roles blend and parenting roles cross gender boundaries men find support and dominance attractive in their mates.
Couples with one dominant partner are happier and produce more children according to a recent study. According to the study, women were in charge in 24.2 percent of cases and the premise of the study challenges the frequently held belief that equality within a partnership is a trademark of functional relationship.
Your man may not be the bread winner or even the head of the household but he still has an innate need to feel desired in no uncertain terms. The same needs that you have in terms of reassurance of your role in his life, the same dominance and security that makes you want to rip your panties off and run to him. Men are wired to be respected, the leader and protector of the relationship but when gender roles change this role can be much less obvious in the relationship.
What about sex?
In previous generations, sex was an expectation and men received sex when they requested it. That’s just how it was. Women provided for their man physically and men provided for their women emotionally. Power dynamics are shifting and so is the sexual power dynamic. This means that physical satisfaction isn’t always at the man’s beck and call. In fact, most relationships the woman is the gate keeper of sex. The man may try and initiate sex and the woman may turn him down. It is unlikely however that the woman would be turned down when she initiates sex. This is fine and dandy but it is clear in most relationships that there is a sexual imbalance in favor of the woman. Being denied sexual satisfaction in a relationship creates a level of humiliation and frustration for even the most secure of men.
Men have an innate need to please their wives
Men accept this sexual imbalance as the way things are but they also subconsciously know that the woman wants to be in control of sexuality in the relationship. He knows that she wants to be in control because she has made it very clear that she wants to be in control. Consciously, he doesn’t want to have sex with someone that doesn’t desire him. Subconsciously he starts to sexualize the power dynamic and her control in the relationship. His desire turns to affirmation of her sexual control and he sexualizes it into a fetish. Her waning or uncertain desire becomes the object of his affection.
How about masturbation?
Many men get into habits of daily masturbation, satisfying their sexual needs as a chore almost like brushing their teeth. This isn’t usually the same with women. When men masturbate they don’t perform as well as they would without taking matters into their own hands. This means that there is rarely a day where they haven’t pleasured themselves when their partner asks for sex. The man instantly blames any sexual performance issues on his self-pleasure and creates masturbation as a shameful act. This is of course reinforced by any relationship stigma that you may place on masturbation and any societal or religious stigma that they may already associate with the act.
How does humiliation play into all of this?
When he approaches her for sex and she denies him, there is a level of humiliation which is frustrating but also slightly arousing because there is a chance that she might permit sex. His body sexualizes the denial as sexual normalcy and he craves the denial and accepts her control. Not all men, some men may find a woman that regularly denies him sex to be an unsuitable mate. Men that accept sexual denial as a constant have accepted a lower sexual position in the relationship. They still have an innate need to please their wives and they see sexual denial and humiliation as a means to that end. She is satisfied when she denies me, that must mean that she enjoys denying me. That must mean denying me brings her satisfaction.
What about male chastity?
When I’m not in the mood, I certainly don’t enjoy denying Kev but over time I understand how denial can reinforce itself. Over time, denial becomes a source of arousal for him. That arousal/denial cycle is harnessed by orgasm control and for some couples a chastity cage. This takes a very vague concept and makes it black and white, something that many men need. In no uncertain terms, she holds the key and he has a lock around his penis. It couldn’t be more black and white than that.
How about pegging?
Pegging is an acceptance of female domination in a much bigger way. When he takes a knee for you, he acknowledges that he is mentally prepared to accept sexual satisfaction from you. Sex is typically an act where the object that is attached to the man is inserted into the woman and he “causes” the sex to happen. Pegging flips that around and acknowledges for both partners that either is able to wield the object that causes penetration. Penetration is of course only one of many ways that sexual satisfaction can be derived but the rest don’t come as naturally to our psyche.
What about small penis humiliation?
This one is interesting since we rarely joke about penis size due to hurt feelings. My thought is that small penis humiliation is an attempt for validation from the male. You may ask, validation? He is asking for the exact opposite of validation. Not really, he is seeking validation as to why he is sexually inferior in your relationship. SPH is an inferiority complex and admission that others are more endowed and therefore more sexually capable than him. Despite this, I think SPH is a positive thing for a relationship because it seeks to take the penis off the pedestal and makes the love/lust about the individuals and not the sexual organs.
Why don’t women seek submissive men?
We don’t seek submissive men because submission isn’t a trait that makes our panties drop. Seriously, this isn’t a trait that we’ve been told is attractive. A man isn’t a support network, we are to be his support network. A man isn’t a source of adoration, we are to adore him. Read the bible, the Tanakh, the Quran; all of these texts will reinforce a weak female, strong male archetype. We can evolve past submitting to society’s expectations and allow our sexual evolution to be more fluid in terms of gender expectations and gender roles.
So why do so many men find sexually dominant women attractive? They find them attractive because they truly love this woman and seek submission as a path to better satisfy her. While this may seem flawed, the path of submission is not one that is easily selected by many men. By submitting to you, they are acknowledging that they trust you and love you. They are in the most deepest way acknowledging their faith in you and put your emotional needs above all else. A man who seeks a dominant female is seeking a deep emotional commitment and seeks to submit to her even at the expense of his own perceived masculinity. Gender roles are changing and our sexual roles are slowly following suit. They are more complex and not as black and white for many couples. As a society, we have preconceived notions about what sexual roles need to be and I hope we can learn to overcome them and accept our partners in the way that they can best give themselves emotionally to us. Regardless of gender.
I’m proud of you Emma. This is a real gem.
We are all so very different. I think men forget most women are sapiosexual and attracted to more than just looks when it comes to a long term relationship. I will be the first to say that I didn’t marry my husband for his looks, sorry but I had better prospects in that department. I married my husband because he is good, honest, intelligent, compelling and a friend. Every long term relationship in my life goes from friend zone to romantic. Every short term relationship is a hookup or one night stand. I wish men would realize how different we all are.
I need to be sexually dominant and I need to control the sexual side of our marriage. At first I did not like humiliation because I didn’t understand where it came from. I thought it was coming from a place of insecurity and porn addiction. As I learned through discussion, the humiliation is a support mechanism for my dominance. Now we love incorporating teasing plus emotional masochism into our sexual relationship.
Just like how I look for the emotional side of a man for attraction, my husband learned to look to the emotional side of sex for his arousal. I’ve learned to understand and love this side of him and respect his ability to open up emotionally to me. I LOVE this site! Thank you so much for having it.
This is a fabulous post. And a fresh take on one of the most common tropes in BDSM Femdom. So many men lament that there “aren’t enough dominant women” out there…but that is because what they are after is fetish fulfilment. You describe “it doesn’t make her drop her panties” or something similar…but why should it. That’s all about him. On the other hand, every woman I have ever known is deeply moved by the thought of a man who will support her, listen to her, be emotionally available to her, encourage her, lift her up, connect with her…and if this is connected or not to service, or some other form of subservience, well, that can evolve over time. A truly submissive man serves her, not himself. There is no woman anywhere who does not respond after a while to a man who consistently takes care of her needs before his own in the bedroom…it may take a few dates for the idea to sink in, because our programming is so strong, but it will always end up being appreciated. A man who seeks to conquer never gets to meet or see the beauty in his partner.
Thanks for this article. It explains why some men (myself included) desire to be dominated by their wife/girlfriend. It seems strange to me that sexual liberation has made gay sex and gender fluidity acceptable, but female led relationships are still taboo. Your work may change that!
A thought-provoking post, Emma. I have read elsewhere about the stereotype of the man who is dominant in certain areas of his life, like his career, his ability to provide, to lead his family, etc., but submissive in the bedroom – and I fall into that category. I’ve also read different explanations for it, but what you say in this post rings true. I want to satisfy my wife because I love her and giving her control over our sex life (and my orgasms) is an intimate way for me to demonstrate that to her. Our relationship truly has evolved and we have enjoyed many different sexual experiences; her denying me at times or teasing me about my manhood, my performance, what she reveals to her sisters & friends about me, tasks she gives me that put me in some interesting positions at times, and other such things may be considered by some to be humiliation, but I’m confident enough, I suppose, to see them as her way of incentivizing me to focus on her, to do more and better things to satisfy her sexually. Perhaps it’s just my way of rationalizing things that others consider humiliating, but as you say, I do find it irresistible.
I have asked my wife to try pegging and she says thats a Hard No for her. A very vulberable me out myself out there for this ask. Hoping she may change her mind….