Woman Love Lust

Love vs Lust: We’ve evolved to be horrible with long term relationships

Why are sexual needs so difficult for us to talk about? If you are hungry, you talk about how to satiate your hunger. If you are bored, you talk about exciting activities to do together. There are so many couples who have reached a point of stagnation in their relationship. They’ve become best friends, and her spark of lust has changed. She no longer looks at him lustfully because the limerence period is over. Many couples look to cheat or build up resentment for their partner.

Men have a deep emotional need to feel validated and this comes in many forms but the biggest form for most men is to know that their partner is sexually satisfied. In the male mind, a sexually satisfied partner is animalistically attracted to him and can’t get enough. Guess what, that animalistic attraction is a chemical reaction and it is impossible to sustain with any permanence in a relationship. If you constantly seek it out, you will find yourself hopping from one relationship to the next while never finding a long term emotional bond with a partner.

In your day-to-day life you meet guys whom you find attractive and you may even fantasize about what it would be like to be intimate with. You watch porn, knowing that hung guy with dark hair, chiseled chin and ripped abs is off-limits to you. You think about him while you masturbate and you wonder what he would feel like, intertwined with you. Your husband is nowhere in this fantasy but why should he be? This is YOUR fantasy after all.

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In fact, you might be surprised at the fantasies your guy has. The limerence period is far less important to the male sex drive and he still yearns for you in the way you yearned for him at the beginning of your relationship. He wants you intimately and he wants you often. He loves you and he feels a deep need for you to be satisfied. If he knows that intimacy with him isn’t crossing your t’s and dotting your i’s he may even want to watch you with someone to satiate your chemistry.

What he is thinking

I’d love to watch her satisfied by another man, watching her physically satisfied is a beautiful thing and she deserves to have her fantasies satisfied. Doing this with my blessing would make me feel like I provided the sexual satisfaction in a round about way. I wish I could tell her but I worry she would think I don’t love her if I am willing to share her. The exact opposite is the truth! If did not love and trust her as much as I do, there is no way that I would be willing to share her.

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Men can see the sexual attraction diminish in longer term relationships as the bond goes from physical to emotional. The number one fantasy for married men in relationships of 10+ years is to watch their wife with another man.

What she is thinking

I’d love to be intimate with another man physically. I have no desire to replace my husband but a short term intimate encounter is just what my body needs to kick start my sexual urges and ignite the chemical reaction that I so desperately need. I know that any feelings that would come from this sort of relationship are purely physical, I’ve had a friend with benefits or fuckbuddy before and I know how to compartmentalize emotions. My concern is that my husband would think I am a slut, that he is not good enough and that I don’t love him. Everything society tells me is that this is wrong but my husband tells me that it is right.

So what is the problem?

The problem is that society tells us that love and lust are the same thing and if our relationships are not satisfying both of these needs than the relationship is broken. We all know about limerence and we know that the the first few months of our relationship are accompanied by a chemical bond which is facilitated by a serious hormonal cocktail. Those hormones don’t run dry immediately, they slowly decrease over the course of three months to three years. You begin to think that you love your partner but you may no longer be in-love with your partner.

Sadly what you’ve got is a case of mistaken identity between love and lust. Your lust bucket is empty and it is starting to make you question the love bucket. You find yourself overly critical and resentful of your partner and before you know it, you’ve poked a hole or two in that love bucket and both buckets are running on empty.

What can we do about it?

I love this guy and while I may experience a drop in lust after him, I know that my love bucket is full or has the potential to be full. I know that he is the guy that I want to be with even if my body is playing tricks on me. I know that the limerence period is temporary no matter which mate I choose so enjoy it while it lasts and work to separate feelings of love from lust. The truth is; you can’t fight evolution.

Your body isn’t wired for monogamy despite what you read in people magazine. Your body is wired to take long term partners and use them to mate and if that mating is successful, to provide for you and your offspring until your pregnancy is over and your offspring is capable of fending for itself.

Your period is actually designed to make you cranky and emotional to sabotage relationships that don’t result in fertilization. When fertilization and pregnancy occur, the monthly cycle does not. When ovulation occurs after a successful pregnancy but does not result in another pregnancy, PMS does its best to split the pair once more. This makes sense as the physical cost of pregnancy and post-pregnancy child rearing is tremendous for females and partner abandonment would leave them vulnerable to predators.

He/she will look at me differently

New sexual experiences have the potential to fill that lust bucket and reboot the feelings of attraction that brought you together in the first place. Women are wired for two types of sexual encounters, long term partners for safety and security and short term partners for fun and scientifically for fertilization. Let’s try to let those short term partners do any fertilization but what about the fun part? Are you capable of having sex without love? Have you ever enjoyed a friend with benefits or a fuck-buddy? What about pegging or chastity? These are topics that can be difficult to broach but a healthy and adventurous sex life can refill the lust bucket like no other. If you are worried or embarrassed about bringing up new ideas to your partner, you are dead in the water. Communicate freely and often. If your partner truly loves and accepts you, they will be more open minded to new ideas than you might think.

The cuckold

Assuming you communicate with your partner, a friend with benefits or fuck buddy can be very healthy for a relationship. Many men see their approval as a means of partner satisfaction, he allowed it and therefore is able to enjoy the positive feelings that you experience from the encounter. This is called comperison and it is absolutely amazing. This is often called a cuckold relationship and it draws its name from the cuckoo bird which leaves its eggs in other birds nests and tricks other birds into raising its young. The term cuck is derived from a female tricking her partner into raising another male’s young. This is rarely what happens but is almost certainly the origin of the term. For that reason, I’ve fought the use of the term cuck as I feel like it draws negativity that it does not deserve. A relationship in which a female has both an emotional mate and a physical mate can be very rewarding for all three partners.

Beggin’ for a peggin’

The act of pegging involves a woman strapping an apparatus around her waist and using it to penetrate her male partner. Pegging allows a couple to experience a shift in dynamic that gives them a better understanding of what makes them tick. He now knows how it feels when he rushes into sex and she is uncomfortable. She now knows how weird, floppy and unwieldy a penis can be. The hip gyrations and the challenge of “doing the work” can really distract from the pleasure at times. I will say that it is nice that the rubber penis never has performance anxiety.

Male chastity

This one is fun for many reasons but the biggest reason is not giving him what he wants all the time. When you are his constant sexual supply, he expects to have his needs met at his beck and call and may not appreciate you like he did at the beginning. Do you remember when he would hold doors for you? Do you remember when he would give you small gifts, flowers and cards for no reason.

I was just thinking of you my love!

There is no better way to bring those feelings and actions back than to try male chastity. The small inexpensive metal cage on his boy parts allows him to lose control of the apparatus that he holds near and dear. It works for pee but stimulation can not and does not happen without your permission. Odds are he is masturbating one or two times per day so this will certainly change that habit. The first couple days will be annoying for both of you but day three to seven are absolutely wonderful. He feels greater emotional spectrum and is capable of communicating at a level that is probably more similar to your best friend.

So what now?

Accept that your bodies are both governed at the most basic level by thousands of years of evolution. Understand the rules of evolution and why we’ve evolved to be the way we are. Take the next step to live your best life with your partner. Don’t throw away a perfectly good partner because of society’s definition of what wife or husband should be. Be your best partner and accept that your wife needs more. Accept that your husband needs more. Open up the lines of communication and figure out the best way to give them exactly what they need to keep their love and lust buckets full.

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hotNwife

So cuckolding is a natural way how the relationships may evolve as the lust is wearing off and her sexual needs increasingly remain unsatisfied. Then does he need to accept himself as a beta male to be put in chastity? Who you feel should initiate the change to the cuckolding relationships?

subhubphx

This:

I think it is an important distinction that cuckolding is A natural way, not THE natural way. Cuckolding is not the best path for every relationship but it can be a good path for many relationships.”

combined with this:

“He needs to be in tune with your needs and comfortable enough to try new things with you. You need to be aware of the reasons behind your libido and feelings of passion in the relationship. You both need to communicate and understand your needs and give yourself the runway to try things that may seem different or potentially uncomfortable.”

do an incredible job of summarizing/explaining my thoughts on cuckolding. I’ve evolved. (See what I did there?) I’m a “very strong alpha type” that I believe makes an excellent partner to my wife, Ms. K., in our glorious Wife Led Marriage. I’ve evolved from being a husband that would’ve been NOT at all OK with any thought or consideration of Ms. K. having sex with another man, even in the context of our then burgeoning WLM. As we have become seasoned in our lifestyle, my thoughts have changed from NO WAY, to if she decided that was something she wanted in our marriage, I would support her in it.

Over the years of our WLM (12+), I only now ever want whatever would please her sexually, even if there were to mean sex with another man. Her happiness and bliss are all I ever hoped to be able to help provide for her from the very beginning. I thought long and hard about it before approaching her back then to consider this lifestyle. Among other things, the difference being that now, her deciding to have another lover is no longer a hard limit. In fact, not even a soft limit. We have grown in our love for each other and the depths of trust and love we feel for each other have allowed me to find comfort in her trusting her completely if she were to take on another man (or woman) as a lover.

Of we would communicate thoroughly and deeply if she were to evolve in that direction, but for me, her joy and pleasure is what matters to me the most. It’s truly what I live for.

Emma, “hanging around” you for the past several years has taught me so much. Who knows where our rapidly accelerated journey will take us, but I am committed to helping her find joy and bliss every step of the way.

Renata

cuckolding is A natural way, not THE natural way.
Yes to this also!

Bella909

This is ever so timely and well written, I love sharing your site with my husband and then spending time discussing your blogs. We discussed this blog and agree with this one completely!

He is my sole mate and we are best friends but the flame of passion started to flicker out. I still need him sexually but in way that supports a loving emotional bond. I want a more passionate sex but I want an emotional sex from my husband. Its like im not going to go running in heels but I still want to wear my heels for other things. Sometimes I want to go running.

We had an experience in a hotel where played with my husband and another man. It was a huge tease for Val (my husband) and I really enjoyed the confidents that it gave me. I did some teasing with my husband and he admitted that he never felt more aroused than watching me with another guy. Val was worried that I would get feelings for the other man but it is not about that. There is no emotional connection but feeling the passion of another guy made me feel alive. There is no way I could of gone through with it if Val wasn’t there with me because I would have second guessed or thought maybe his feelings would have hurt.

We only did it once but I think it is both of our biggest fantasy come true. It re awakened the feelings in our relaitonship and I scratched that itch for both of us. I know I will do it again but we may not seek it out exactly. Just you (my internet friends),Val, the other guy and my best friend since college know about it. If you can’t have fun and be sexually playful with your partner you might as well call your relationship dead and join reddit deadbedroom

This site is all about pushing boundaries and having fun with each other, I felt so much guilt but getting over the guilt and being my sexual confidents self is the best for me and Val says I am a different person.

mickg93

Miss Emma, this makes a lot of sense based on what I’ve seen with my Wife and our “FLR-Poly” relationship, as I have definitely been able to notice a pattern with Karin, regarding new partners.

Karin and I have been together about 11 years and married for four. Sex with Karin is always amazing. But being with Her that first month or so after a She has an encounter with someone new is just at another level, whether it is Her with a new man, or both of us with a new couple or new woman. She is more passionate, more playful, just more “Her” than usual.

She is definitely energized after someone new comes into Her life, and I get to feel that energy second-hand. It must be at least twice as intense for Her, as She literally glows with excitement. I think a lot of Her excitement comes from the reassurance that at 64 years old, She can both capture the attention of, and bed, men in their 20s.

But after some time, the relationship with the outside partner(s) no longer seems to bring Her the thrill that it once did. When it’s an M/F couple we’re swinging with, the duration of the “partnership” with the other couple is usually about a year to 18 months. When She is with another man, the partnership is even shorter, from a single night to 6 months or so.

I also get a bit of a new-relationship kick from when we first meet a new swinging couple or Karin brings a new lady friend of Hers into our relationship. But it’s virtually nothing compared to what She gets from a new man.

New partners are always Karin’s choice, both who and when. She has told me that Her best friend Joanne will be moving in with us come September, and that I should expect significant changes. She hasn’t elaborated, other than telling me our first act as an official threesome will be for me to be pegged by both women at the same time.

nevertoolate

Well Emma, your opinion about cuckolding has certainly evolved!

I say this as you have expressed legitimate doubts about the hobby in the past only to have done your homework very well and found the key elements that lead up to this evolution in a long term relationship.

What a great way to avoid the pitfalls of serial monogamy and the casualties it leaves behind. Nature drives us to question our cultural conditioning creating more stress and self loathing. Here is an outlet that brings greater joy and adventure in life! True, not for all, and as the Greeks would hint, “nothing in excess.”

Your style of cuckolding includes a much more advanced or evolved form in that it adds chastity and pegging. This helps to keep his wandering hands away from genitals so they are available for more productive tasks while she is busy with a lover. Too many cuckolds loose their passion and interest and experience negative feelings if they ejaculate before or while during her encounter with a lover. This is cuckold advice 101 for men new to the pursuit.

Over at the “Our Hot Wives” forums, there is a wide spectrum of half open marriages mostly male initiated. Many different camps and styles, but the cuckold section is the most open minded and includes the choices you have mentioned.

My biggest cheer while reading this essay is that you understand the fundamentals that lead couples to this lifestyle. A super simple and easy to digest summary of what nature gives us and how we can embrace it in a positive and mature way.

Thank you!

subhubphx

Over at the “Our Hot Wives” forums, ….”

May I ask where to find this?

nevertoolate

ourhotwives.org Much to read as a non-member, even more if you join. There is also a women’s only forum that members can join with a verification. Of all the sites on the web that serve this interest, this is what I have found to be most level headed.

subhubphx

Thanks man. I’m going to take a look … and I’ll keep an open mind … but I might still think this site is the most level-headed. Just sayin. *wink

nevertoolate

There are many paths couples can take. Having those choices is so much better for us in these “modern times.” Being able to talk about them as a couple calmly and confidently strengthens the relationship and increases trust, even if it is something neither can imagine doing (for now?). Communication builds a stronger bond in a couple. Interests ebb and flow over time as work and family demands compete with fun times. Being open minded and adaptive helps relationships survive and evolve.

Renata

This makes sense. I really love how you take things back to what our bodies are telling us to do versus how WE can choose to live our lives. Live your life for you and not ten thousand years of evolution.

Renata

It even is tough to not be resentful about lack of attraction after a long term with a partner. It is his fault I am not attracted to him. He doesn’t work out enough. He no longer has chivalry opening doors or those sorts. I think accepting that even if he does those things our desire for long term partners can wane. No matter of whos fault it may be and it is easy to push blame rather than pulling him closer. Just an observation to share with you. Much love.

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