Why are sexual needs so difficult for us to talk about? If you are hungry, you talk about how to satiate your hunger. If you are bored, you talk about exciting activities to do together. There are so many couples who have reached a point of stagnation in their relationship. They’ve become best friends, and her spark of lust has changed. She no longer looks at him lustfully because the limerence period is over. Many couples look to cheat or build up resentment for their partner.
Men have a deep emotional need to feel validated and this comes in many forms but the biggest form for most men is to know that their partner is sexually satisfied. In the male mind, a sexually satisfied partner is animalistically attracted to him and can’t get enough. Guess what, that animalistic attraction is a chemical reaction and it is impossible to sustain with any permanence in a relationship. If you constantly seek it out, you will find yourself hopping from one relationship to the next while never finding a long term emotional bond with a partner.
In your day-to-day life you meet guys whom you find attractive and you may even fantasize about what it would be like to be intimate with. You watch porn, knowing that hung guy with dark hair, chiseled chin and ripped abs is off-limits to you. You think about him while you masturbate and you wonder what he would feel like, intertwined with you. Your husband is nowhere in this fantasy but why should he be? This is YOUR fantasy after all.
In fact, you might be surprised at the fantasies your guy has. The limerence period is far less important to the male sex drive and he still yearns for you in the way you yearned for him at the beginning of your relationship. He wants you intimately and he wants you often. He loves you and he feels a deep need for you to be satisfied. If he knows that intimacy with him isn’t crossing your t’s and dotting your i’s he may even want to watch you with someone to satiate your chemistry.
What he is thinking
I’d love to watch her satisfied by another man, watching her physically satisfied is a beautiful thing and she deserves to have her fantasies satisfied. Doing this with my blessing would make me feel like I provided the sexual satisfaction in a round about way. I wish I could tell her but I worry she would think I don’t love her if I am willing to share her. The exact opposite is the truth! If did not love and trust her as much as I do, there is no way that I would be willing to share her.
Men can see the sexual attraction diminish in longer term relationships as the bond goes from physical to emotional. The number one fantasy for married men in relationships of 10+ years is to watch their wife with another man.
What she is thinking
I’d love to be intimate with another man physically. I have no desire to replace my husband but a short term intimate encounter is just what my body needs to kick start my sexual urges and ignite the chemical reaction that I so desperately need. I know that any feelings that would come from this sort of relationship are purely physical, I’ve had a friend with benefits or fuckbuddy before and I know how to compartmentalize emotions. My concern is that my husband would think I am a slut, that he is not good enough and that I don’t love him. Everything society tells me is that this is wrong but my husband tells me that it is right.
So what is the problem?
The problem is that society tells us that love and lust are the same thing and if our relationships are not satisfying both of these needs than the relationship is broken. We all know about limerence and we know that the the first few months of our relationship are accompanied by a chemical bond which is facilitated by a serious hormonal cocktail. Those hormones don’t run dry immediately, they slowly decrease over the course of three months to three years. You begin to think that you love your partner but you may no longer be in-love with your partner.
Sadly what you’ve got is a case of mistaken identity between love and lust. Your lust bucket is empty and it is starting to make you question the love bucket. You find yourself overly critical and resentful of your partner and before you know it, you’ve poked a hole or two in that love bucket and both buckets are running on empty.
What can we do about it?
I love this guy and while I may experience a drop in lust after him, I know that my love bucket is full or has the potential to be full. I know that he is the guy that I want to be with even if my body is playing tricks on me. I know that the limerence period is temporary no matter which mate I choose so enjoy it while it lasts and work to separate feelings of love from lust. The truth is; you can’t fight evolution.
Your body isn’t wired for monogamy despite what you read in people magazine. Your body is wired to take long term partners and use them to mate and if that mating is successful, to provide for you and your offspring until your pregnancy is over and your offspring is capable of fending for itself.
Your period is actually designed to make you cranky and emotional to sabotage relationships that don’t result in fertilization. When fertilization and pregnancy occur, the monthly cycle does not. When ovulation occurs after a successful pregnancy but does not result in another pregnancy, PMS does its best to split the pair once more. This makes sense as the physical cost of pregnancy and post-pregnancy child rearing is tremendous for females and partner abandonment would leave them vulnerable to predators.
He/she will look at me differently
New sexual experiences have the potential to fill that lust bucket and reboot the feelings of attraction that brought you together in the first place. Women are wired for two types of sexual encounters, long term partners for safety and security and short term partners for fun and scientifically for fertilization. Let’s try to let those short term partners do any fertilization but what about the fun part? Are you capable of having sex without love? Have you ever enjoyed a friend with benefits or a fuck-buddy? What about pegging or chastity? These are topics that can be difficult to broach but a healthy and adventurous sex life can refill the lust bucket like no other. If you are worried or embarrassed about bringing up new ideas to your partner, you are dead in the water. Communicate freely and often. If your partner truly loves and accepts you, they will be more open minded to new ideas than you might think.
Assuming you communicate with your partner, a friend with benefits or fuck buddy can be very healthy for a relationship. Many men see their approval as a means of partner satisfaction, he allowed it and therefore is able to enjoy the positive feelings that you experience from the encounter. This is called comperison and it is absolutely amazing. This is often called a cuckold relationship and it draws its name from the cuckoo bird which leaves its eggs in other birds nests and tricks other birds into raising its young. The term cuck is derived from a female tricking her partner into raising another male’s young. This is rarely what happens but is almost certainly the origin of the term. For that reason, I’ve fought the use of the term cuck as I feel like it draws negativity that it does not deserve. A relationship in which a female has both an emotional mate and a physical mate can be very rewarding for all three partners.
Beggin’ for a peggin’
The act of pegging involves a woman strapping an apparatus around her waist and using it to penetrate her male partner. Pegging allows a couple to experience a shift in dynamic that gives them a better understanding of what makes them tick. He now knows how it feels when he rushes into sex and she is uncomfortable. She now knows how weird, floppy and unwieldy a penis can be. The hip gyrations and the challenge of “doing the work” can really distract from the pleasure at times. I will say that it is nice that the rubber penis never has performance anxiety.
This one is fun for many reasons but the biggest reason is not giving him what he wants all the time. When you are his constant sexual supply, he expects to have his needs met at his beck and call and may not appreciate you like he did at the beginning. Do you remember when he would hold doors for you? Do you remember when he would give you small gifts, flowers and cards for no reason.
I was just thinking of you my love!
There is no better way to bring those feelings and actions back than to try male chastity. The small inexpensive metal cage on his boy parts allows him to lose control of the apparatus that he holds near and dear. It works for pee but stimulation can not and does not happen without your permission. Odds are he is masturbating one or two times per day so this will certainly change that habit. The first couple days will be annoying for both of you but day three to seven are absolutely wonderful. He feels greater emotional spectrum and is capable of communicating at a level that is probably more similar to your best friend.
So what now?
Accept that your bodies are both governed at the most basic level by thousands of years of evolution. Understand the rules of evolution and why we’ve evolved to be the way we are. Take the next step to live your best life with your partner. Don’t throw away a perfectly good partner because of society’s definition of what wife or husband should be. Be your best partner and accept that your wife needs more. Accept that your husband needs more. Open up the lines of communication and figure out the best way to give them exactly what they need to keep their love and lust buckets full.