sex with husband is not

Sex with my husband is not sex at all

Kev and I are newlyweds, we got hitched just two short months ago. While he and I are in our honeymoon period on paper, we’ve been together for years. We actually have a honeymoon planned for next month so I suppose you could say pre-honeymoon period. Our sex life is great but sex, desire and physical intimacy within the context of marriage is way more complex than it sounds.

What if I was to say that sex with my husband is not sex? It is of course sex by the clinical definition but it isn’t sex in terms of sexual satisfaction. That sounds bad but I don’t mean it to be. My husband is amazing, we’ve got an emotional connection and we have sex often. Our physical intimacy is an almost electrifying connection. In fact, I am a believer that consistent sexual experiences together are essential to our strength, confidence and communication as a couple.

He is good enough, he is a wonderful lover and I wouldn’t hesitate to call him my soulmate. With that being said, sex with my husband is not the deeply erotic “jump my bones” energy that scratches my sex itch. Sex with him can become routine as with any long term partner and we do our best to keep our bedroom activities fresh. Sex with him is a deeply bonded and there is no way for me to displace the deep emotional connection. We both acknowledge that our sex is primarily emotional and it is not primarily physical.

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How We Experience Sex

Typically, women experience the 20% of sex physically and 80% emotionally while men experience 80% of sex physically and 20% emotionally. Kev and I are working to unlock and understand our hidden percentages. I am working experience sex sessions that are 100% physical and Kev is working to experience sex sessions that are 100% emotional in support of my pleasure. I’m certain that we will never reach a sexual pinnacle of 100% in any context but I’m glad to be on a journey of pleasure and understanding with such an amazing man.

The Friend Zone

Have you ever decided not to pursue a relationship with someone because he seems like more of a friend? At some point, you’ve likely friend-zoned a guy despite a good personality fit but you just aren’t physically attracted to him. You just don’t feel that connection and that sexual draw.

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It may came as a surprise that all long term emotional partners will eventually enter the friend zone. Rekindling romance will only bring back memories of the chemistry you enjoyed at the beginning of the relationship. You can never bring back what was once a completely chemical reaction. Time has replaced what began as an exciting sexual fling with companionship, familiarity, and family. This is often called compassionate love and involves the brain chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin which are most commonly associated with pair-bonding and family. Replacing passionate love with companionate love is inevitable evolution of a mature relationship. Partnered sex in the context of family is sustainment of that equilibrium.

People sometimes make the mistake of equating the absence of butterflies with the absence of love. If the butterflies are still there, I suggest that you cannot be certain that you are in love due to the persistence of lust. Once gone, there is nothing you can do to bring the butterflies back with your partner. New sexual experiences that include your partner can bring butterflies back and you will associate those feelings of lust and oneness with your partner but I’m getting ahead of myself.

If I’m being completely honest with myself and all of you, I didn’t pick Kev because he is the hottest guy I’ve ever met. I picked Kev because he is someone I can be myself around. I feel like he is on the same level as me in so many ways. I intentionally picked a guy who is non threatening and in touch with his emotional side. I know the value of good communication. Kev is a domesticated, gentle non-alpha who isn’t likely to hurt me physically or emotionally.

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The triangular theory of love suggests that there are three components, intimacy, passion and commitment. Passion matures from passionate to compassionate as commitment and intimacy grow.

Emotional Sex

Sex with an emotionally bonded partner is no doubt arousing as an extension of a emotional connection but not in the physical way. When women don’t feel physically aroused, the mechanics of sex don’t work as well. This means that despite his average size, sex with my loving husband can be painful, require lube and lots of foreplay. In our life, penetrative sex is often replaced with oral sex and pegging so I don’t think you will hear either of us complaining. I’m not one to brag but my lovely husband gives me oral at least once a day. His face nestled between my thighs and my hands gently pushing the back of his head into me. Yum! 💍

Once we initiate sex, it is fantastic but getting things started can sometimes be challenging. As a couple, we have so many things on our minds and we often don’t set aside mental time to be with each other. Sex is that time, we are focused on each other completely. No tv, no phones, no distractions. Just a deep connection to each other. That time is important and is often spent just soaking or even talking and joking with one another.

His first emotional awakening with sex came from pegging and he learned the complexity of accept someone into you. It was at that point that I feel he grew a compassionate understanding for why sex from a female standpoint can be so different than his experience. I’m not suggesting of course that pegging is inherently female or even feminine. What I am saying that pegging allows you to accept penetrative sex and accepting something into you is different than pushing something into another. I am getting philosophical here so I’ll move on.

This all sounds like I am being critical of a less than adequate lover but that isn’t my intention. The hormonal desire for sexual gratification fades with partnered life. I feel incredibly lucky that our connection is emotional to the point of nearly being spiritual. I connect with him like no other and I truly want him to experience sexual completeness. Like petals of a flower, our sex life has many levels of depth and substance and for that I am very thankful.

New Sexual Experiences

We are not bored with each other sexually, we both love seeing each other aroused and experiencing orgasm. I enjoy expanding Kev’s boundaries and pushing him into new experiences. If you’ve read about our experiences on this site, you know that we love chastity, pegging, sph and everything in between. Humiliation is one of the most interesting things because it is something that strikes so deep into the male psyche. Every time we have sex I try to do something to push his sexual buttons, tap into the fetishes that drive him or move his sexual boundaries in some way.

His desire to make sure that I am satisfied sexually is no doubt stronger than the day we met. We’ve recently begun a journey of sexual exploration with cuckold experiences. I feel that the term cuckold is misunderstood and I am guilty of misunderstanding it myself. I’ve learned that a cuckold is a man who puts the physical pleasure of his partner ahead of his own. This trait is not only chivalrous but altruistic in nature and perhaps heroic in a loving relationship.

This journey is about reawakening my sexual confidence with a focus on my overall physical pleasure. Kev’s journey is about opening his mind to the mental aspects of sexual pleasure. Most men; Kev included see sex as very black and white validation of our status as a couple. Frequent sex means the relationship is good and infrequent sex means that the relationship is bad. While that view is very common, it is wholly myopic. My goal is to expand our view of our sexual needs and better understand our sexuality, together. Our sexual journeys are opposite; Kev’s journey is distancing himself from the physical while mine is distancing myself from the emotional.

I’ve always been the type of person that needs to have an emotional connection with a guy to really experience sex. Most of my friends with benefits over the years have been ex boyfriends because it is comparatively easy for me to make the emotional disconnection. We know each other’s bodies and there is little unexplored territory. The emotional connection was there at some point and the relationship didn’t work for whatever reason so compartmentalizing physical from emotional doesn’t take much effort.

In our most recent adventures, compatibility is less important because I make it known that I am using them sexually and unsurprisingly they are fine with it. They know there is zero chance of an emotional connection because my heart is owned by another. The connection is purely around physical attraction and compatibility. Lust. Knowing that this is a purely and openly a sexual romp simplifies things greatly and allows me to let my guard down emotionally. It also allows me to be less picky. I’m not looking for a relationship, I’m just looking for a hot guy that doesn’t act like an asshole.

“The most commonly understood distinction between lust and love is that lust is purely physical and sexual, whereas love includes care for someone well behind their function as a source of yearning and sexual gratification,” says Alexandra Stockwell, MD, a Relationship and Intimacy Expert at Alexandra Stockwell Coaching and Consulting. 

I Don’t Even Know Where to Start

How do you even start finding new potential partners? It is all in the mindset. When I got with Kev, I closed my mind to other potential opportunities. I took my normal flirty self down a notch and accepted that it wasn’t acceptable or respectful in the context of a relationship. The key is turning that part of yourself back on. It never went anywhere, you just repressed it. As someone who suffers from resting bitch face (RBF) you would be surprised at how far a smile and eye contact go. If you look open conversation you will be surprised at the opportunities that appear.

Remember flirting? You know, that thing you did before you met your husband. Guess what, married people flirt too! Flirting reminds you how sexy you are and it is incredibly fun. The best part of flirting is telling your husband about it, joking about it and sharing the excitement of the experience with each other. Weird right? Flirting is about freedom and you would be shocked at the opportunities that appear when you flirt openly, often and joyfully. I flirt with guys I am attracted to but I also flirt with guys I’m not attracted to. Flirting is fun and I’m horribly awkward at it but opening my mind and practicing being joyful and flirtatious is fun. You can flirt when you are with your husband and when you are away from your husband. If you are feeling the vibe, you can cross lines and if you aren’t feeling the vibe you can choose not to cross boundaries. I mean, flirting solicits validation from other men and despite being happily married; a little extra validation never hurt anyone.

A Different Kind of Lovemaking

Sex with someone different is based almost completely on attraction and infatuation. There is an intense desire and drive to be with another person. This is intensely based on dopamine and norepinephrine which are known as the feel good chemicals as they create an intense emotional high. Learning and exploring his body is fascinating and deeply arousing on the chemical level. Not only do I feel the chemical arousal in my brain, the arousal cycle in my body kicks in. I feel physically turned on, a feeling that I’m not accustomed to feeling in my bedroom.

Sex is not painful when fueled by passion and desire and I don’t find myself staring at the ceiling or watching the clock. I’m actually into it and it feels fucking great. After an experience with another person, words of affirmation are a key part of aftercare with my husband. The details of the experience are discussed at length. What did you like? What did you dislike? How did you feel when…? Did you see the smile on my face when…? We’ve confronted deep topics about jealousy, anger and frustration and with open communication we have come out ahead. Unscathed. Well, mostly.

I needn’t go into further torrid details because they aren’t important and will distract from the intent behind this post but not only are we stronger than ever but we’ve experienced a level of closeness that we’ve never felt before. Kev has watched me experience and enjoy two partners and we’ve both learned new and exciting things about our sexuality. The feeling of voyeurism for him is both relaxing and incredibly arousing at the same time. Through an immense layer of compersion he is able to feel validation as a husband that provides sexually for his wife by the facilitated experience. What my husband and I have built together is an incredible layer of trust, communication and understanding. Our strength is in our openness.

Taking a Back Seat Physically

One might ask why my pleasure is foremost in the relationship and Kev is relegated to that of a spectator. We want it that way. It seems that male sexuality is the driving force in everything in our society but my wonderful husband has always put my needs first and foremost in our relationship. From embracing orgasm denial to new and exciting sexual experiences, I include him in my lovemaking because I associate him so strongly with my sexual happiness. While we each have our own sexual identities, as we grow together as a couple, my sexuality is a shared part of our lives.

The male sexual response cycle is much more simplistic. I can turn him on in two seconds and he is either pleading for his key or standing up at attention and ready to go. Arousal is rarely the problem with men, they are ready to go with little convincing. While it is true that men think of sex more often than women, it is a common misconception that all men want is sex. As emotional partners, men have a strong desire for praise, touch and love.

Love comes naturally for me but touch and praise are more difficult. I feel like touching him will make him expect sex so I am reluctant to touch. His cage was a great way for me to remove the pressure to have sex while still being able to touch him freely and excessively. Praise is also difficult but that is because praise wasn’t part of my upbringing. That is more of a conversation for my therapist and I but my parents were quick to criticize and slow to praise. Positivity and love reciprocated as praise is key to an emotionally satisfied partner.

While it is true that he takes a back seat, he is never out of mind. Sharing me is something Kev came to terms with during the time that Andrew lived with us. Over the course of nearly a year he shared every aspect of me and it created relationship challenges that I’ve written about previously. At the same time, he was able to be a spectator to my sexuality. In his words, he was able to have an on-set experience with his favorite porn star. Guess what, we got through it and I am certain that we are stronger for it.

Taking a Front Seat Emotionally

While I’ve enjoyed new partners, Kev has experienced new and sometimes challenging emotions. How jarring and unnerving it must be to watch a man pleasure your wife. We’ve been there and we’ve talked through it. How must it feel to see a man with a physical endowment that is larger than your own? We know that most men mistakenly see penis size as the end-all be-all of female pleasure. Nope, bigger isn’t always better.. but sometimes it is. His understanding my journey and taking part in my pleasure is key to his acceptance and support. When I play, Kev is there. If the guy isn’t ok with Kev’s presence then play doesn’t happen. We both feel that separating him from this aspect of my life would create a rift between us. As I discussed in my blog about inferiority fetish, men have a journey of sexual inadequacy and inferiority. If you haven’t read that blog, I recommend you read it.

Role play with sex is incredible way to let loose sexually. I don’t mean the naughty nurse or the cheerleader or anything mundane like that. Role play of sexual scenarios which can often be difficult or uncomfortable to try outside of the character. Want to try something kinky to see what buttons it pushes? Create a fantasy scenario and see if the two of you enjoy it.

Sex with Kev is an emotional experience that I’ve never gotten from another and don’t anticipate ever having with another. It is slow, it is intentional, it is loving with extensive and complex verbal and nonverbal communication. Sex with others is deeply satisfying on a purely physical level. It turns our love life into a fantasy world for Kev and I to enjoy together. The sexual charge between Kev and I has been replaced by an emotional bond that is unequivocally superior. Sex is essential for a loving relationship but the type of sex for us has evolved to a connection of minds and hearts. In that, I’ve gained so much but as a byproduct of that evolution I’ve lost the carnal physical intimacy.

Making the decision to supplement our love with additional stimulation was easy. As I’ve heard from countless women, I was able to orgasm during sex for the first two or three years of our relationship but as the newness wore off I was no longer able to get off without the aid of toys. We had not qualms about bringing a vibrator into the bedroom to provide additional stimulation to allow me to get off. As we further mature together we’ve brought in another man as a virtual sex toy to take sex to the next level.

If free masturbation exists in the relationship, it needs to cease. Not only does masturbation break his sexual bond with you but it replaces the focus of his sexual energy with fantasies. If you haven’t discussed it, my guess is that you would be very surprised at the frequency of his masturbation. A reasonable masturbation limit should be enforced either with a device or with a system of some kind where he asks you for permission. If you go that direction, I strongly suggest that he use his imagination or images of you for his visual stimuli when masturbation is permitted.

Safety & Acceptance

Kev is there for me and that makes me feel physically safe but he is also there for me emotionally. Our play usually happens in our home which is safe ground for me. His presence in the bedroom is key to this being successful. Nothing is hidden, nearly everything is witnessed and enjoyed together. He loves to see me truly engage with a partner physically and my eyes lock with his often while I mouth things like “thank you” and “I love you”. His support and beautiful sacrifice adds to our bond and our deep connection.

I don’t mean to come off like our bedroom is a revolving door because it isn’t. We have a couple of friends that we feel safe with but I also am not ashamed if Kev and I were whoring it up. I think slut shaming is a horrible thing for sexual confidence and female empowerment. In a time when the world is actively taking so many things from women, it feels great to have a partner who accepts me, loves our relationship and wants to rise above all the negativity with me.

In the last month that we’ve been exploring, our attitudes are better, we have more energy, we make more time for each other, we have deeper conversations and we have better sex. Yeah, you read that right. Sex is a muscle that will atrophy when it isn’t exercised. When you use it and feel sexually confident, you want to be more sexual and you want to please your partner. Sex with my husband is more about making him feel loved and fulfilled. I focus less on the fact that I am not naturally turned on and focus my energy on turning him on.

What is Next?

Am I suggesting that every married woman needs to find a side piece and get some extra-marital loving? Absolutely not! The last month surprised Kev and I both and I certainly wouldn’t recommend jumping into anything that you aren’t comfortable with. What I am suggesting is that you take a deep look at your sexual needs and consider that emotional and physical needs are different. If your husband is meeting both, great! If your husband is a phenomenal emotional partner but a lackluster physical partner, you might want to at least open your mind to some ideas that will help you feel your sexuality again. Settling for anything less than a healthy, complete and happy sex life will make you resentful. Living with uncomfortable or even painful sex will make you resentful especially when you see the big smile on his face. It isn’t fair but life never is. Despite the orgasm gap, my guess is that your husband wants every bit of you even if that means you need to get a little bit of help elsewhere. You deserve to feel those tingles of excitement once again. What do you know, you might just enjoy it.

You might be surprised at how little it takes to feel alive once again. Start with some light flirting with a stranger followed by discussion about how it makes the two of you feel. If you feel empowered and excited, you might want to talk to your husband to see what else he would be comfortable with. It might never need to go any further than innocent flirting for the both of you to feel an enormous sexual reinvigoration. He will also feel a greater level of relationship satisfaction because his male need for your sexual satisfaction will be met. If you decide to take it further, stay tuned. I’ve been in the trenches doing some research on this very topic and I might be able to give a suggestion or two.

Back to the title of this blog, sex with my husband is not sex at all. I am confident that sex with my husband is not just sex because emotional intimacy is so much more meaningful and fulfilling. I get a deep emotional sense of security from our emotional bond. I just wish it didn’t leave me wishing and wanting just a little bit more in terms of passion, size and chemistry. Having both is nice; like having your cake and eating it too but the emotional connection is something I never intend to be without.

I know it has only been two months of marital bliss on this end but I can say that being married is great, Kev and I are both truly happy. I love each and every one of you.

What do you think? Leave your comments below.

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Curiouswonder

“Kev and I are working to unlock and understand our hidden percentages. I am working experience sex sessions that are 100% physical and Kev is working to experience sex sessions that are 100% emotional in support of my pleasure.”

I find this statement incredibly fascinating. I’m sure a lot of couples have found themselves in a similar situation where they are deeply connected emotionally but as they continue to build comfort and familiarity that animalistic ‘jump your bones’ sexual energy is no longer quite there and has been replaced by something else. If you can expound on the moment you had this conversation or series of conversations and what his take on this new journey is I think it would be really helpful.

“In our life, penetrative sex is often replaced with oral sex though none of us are complaining.”

I noticed this statement reminded me of an earlier post where you said something to the effect of “pegging constitutes the majority of our penetrative sex (paraphrasing),” coupled that with the earlier statement about Kev being on a journey to “experience sex sessions that are 100% emotional,’ does that mean penetrative sex for him is going to become a rare occurrence (not counting soaking) and has that been a gradual thing or is he going to be cut off cold turkey, even for just a while (see: “Kev’s journey is distancing himself from the physical”)?

“The details of the experience are discussed at length. What did you like? What did you dislike? How did you feel when…?…We’ve confronted deep topics about jealousy, anger and frustration and with open communication we have come out ahead. Unscathed. Well, mostly.”

Will these things be talked about more at length in future posts? I wholeheartedly disagree that they are not important to post about as these are the tricky bits within these kind of steps in folks relationships that they would need help the most navigating. What was said, how you responded, what does aftercare look like? All these questions and moments would be a good reference point and a help when folks get to that point. Please don’t be bashful in this regard as you have let us in on the other parts of the journey in a not so generalized way and that is a huge part of why we love your writing and perspective.

“While I’ve enjoyed new partners, Kev has experienced new and sometimes challenging emotions. How jarring and unnerving it must be to watch a man pleasure your wife. We’ve been there and we’ve talked through it. How must it feel to see a man with a physical endowment that is larger than your own?”

I really hope this is foreshadowing for details in future posts, by far will be the most informative, interesting, and inspiring aspects of the description of this new journey. Regardless whatever you choose to share we will take and appreciate every bit of it. This is really the only blog I consistently check back in on for updates and new perspective from someone who clearly strives to understand both the physical and psychological parts of intimacy. Much appreciated (sorry if I’ve been long winded)!

Carl Travers

A reasonable masturbation limit should be enforced either with a device or with a system of some kind where he asks you for permission. 

My wife K knows that I struggle with this. I masturbate at least three or four times a week but sometimes more. I give her less attention and I am naturally less focused on her. I don’t think we want to wear a cage but how would this system work?

Dry_Match3736

This speaks to me and my husband. He is on the smaller side and we enjoy playing with others so he can see my hotwife wild side come out. He is a provider for me sexually and I never feel lacking because he makes sure that I get what I need.

Dad Jokes

This resonated with a conversation that my wife and I had the other day. I don’t think either of us are ready for cuckolding without more conversation but I would love to see act on some of her desires. I miss seeing that glimmer in her eye she deserves to feel alive inside.

J.S.

Emma – thanks for being open and sharing even this much with us. We’d all love to hear more of the details of course, especially since you mention new partners (plural) but I also understand your desire to not give us a blow by blow account.
I do hope you have a great honeymoon too.
The shift from lust to contentment in relationship is a key one to keeping the fire burning for the long haul even if it isn’t the crazy lust filled bonfire of the start of the relationship.

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