Recent convert here so I feel like I am uniquely positioned to talk about this topic. If you read my previous blogs, you will know that I’ve been mostly opposed to cuckold and hotwife relationships. Much of this stemmed from the offensive connotation of the word cuckold especially after the last few years in political circles. I’d associated the word with my disdain for politics lately, I’d even tried to replace it with poly-friending a term that I coined myself.
I looked back at the etymology of the word cuckold and decided to change my opinion of the word and the practice in general. Evolving, I s’pose. So cuckolding and hotwifing, what’s in for women? Isn’t this a fetish for men to objectify and use their wife’s sexuality for their own pleasure? This was one of the biggest turn-offs about the sport for me initially. I felt like the hotwife fantasy or culture was like a wife-swap, you give your wife (your property) to another guy in exchange for his wife (his property) and that swap was a transaction and therefore the wife was both an object and a whore. Hard nope.
A hotwife/cuckold relationship is a relationship where the woman holds the power, she is in charge of sexuality as it relates to the relationship. She chooses if or when she will have sex with her husband and explores relationships, often physical outside of her marriage. The hotwife is a term that I think best embodies the concept but cuckold bears a place as well depending on the dynamic. There is a hotwife/cuckold spectrum and on the hotwife side, it is more selfish and only about the wife and her pleasure. On the cuckold side of the spectrum it leans toward teasing and light humiliation toward the husband. The hotwife side of the line, it is about allowing her freedom to explore. The cuckold side of the line is about allowing her freedom to explore but adding some meaning toward her exploration.
Hotwife: I am exploring my sexuality with others.
Cuckold: I am exploring my sexuality with others to make up for something that you lack.
While this may be a gross oversimplification, I think it is an interesting way of exploring the sexual and emotional bond between the husband and wife. Cuckold relationships are often rooted in fantasy, if she was really that displeased with her husband they wouldn’t be married. The cuckold fantasy allows the man to attach meaning to the relationship dynamic and it can be extremely arousing to explore this together. You can read more about cuckold here but the psychological roots come from the concept of sperm competition. When more than one man pursues a woman, both men experience heightened testosterone and many other interesting emotions which can be fun to unpack and explore together.
Getting through that rough exterior and my expectations of husband’s motivations took me a while but after long conversations, I now know that he simply wants to see me satisfied. He is often a complex guy but his sexual desires most often have the simplest of explanations. He wants to see the glow in my eyes and my heart following an experience that I am truly turned on by. He knows that I struggle with self-image, body-image and even self-confidence. He knows that arousal has always been a challenge for me and I often fixate on a finding the absolute perfect guy. This journey has been empowering for me and the slut shame and monogamy guilt that I thought would accompany it is virtually nonexistent.
This is about sexual liberation. In today’s climate female sexuality is so fucking confusing. Men want to control female sexuality every step of the way. Roe vs Wade overturned by a bunch of old men was just the icing on the cake. It took time to digest but I now understand that by allowing me sexual autonomy, Kev is not being controlling, he is giving freedom for me to experience a sexual side that is ever evolving. Female sexuality is complex and the orgasm gap is very real.
What is a cuckold fetish for you? I think there are a few types and the motivation behind each of the types is extremely important.
The “I am not enough” guy
The I am not enough guy puts you on a pedestal of sexuality. He knows that men desire you and he truly believes that he can’t be enough for you. He gets arousal or compersion from others finding you attractive because he knows how much you thrive on that energy. When other men value you sexually, it provides validation of his love and attraction for you. He likely sees you as a partner and thrives on seeing your sexuality grow and blossom in ways that he never thought possible.
If you feel like you fall into this category, it is likely safe to explore these types of fantasies together. You can indulge his fantasy by catering to the “I am not enough” portion of his fantasy. Just be careful to give plenty of aftercare once your fantasy scenario has played out. Tell him that he is enough and communicate openly about the experience. For this type of guy, chastity can be a great way to play. You are not enough for me so I am locking you up until I am ready for you. If you decide to move forward with a cuckold type scenario, he will thrive on being told that he isn’t good enough. He will thrive on what the other man is giving you that he can’t. You know, the stuff that you think sounds stupid in the porno world. He is so much bigger than you, look at his cock. Apologize that yours isn’t big like his. Look at his muscles, they feel so good to run my fingers over. I don’t personally like to be overly verbal, I find it distracting but I know he loves this part of the fantasy so I often indulge him.
The “I want to control your sexuality” guy
This guy may come off as genuine but he ultimately wants to use you for his sexual desire. He will be the guy who selects a man for you to sleep with, tells you how to go about doing it and he will be frustrated that you aren’t into it. Please don’t entertain this guy’s fantasies, I would have a heartfelt conversation with him to understand his motivation. Most likely he wants to use you as sexual object or currency not unlike the wife swap example above. You are not to be objectified and you are not a currency to be traded for that of another. This one will almost certainly cause more harm than good.
Can there be some bleed over between these two types? Absolutely! It is important to have open honest conversation about how everything makes you feel so neither of you fixate on parts of this lifestyle that are unappealing or unhealthy for either of you.
I don’t want to do anything outside my marriage/relationship
Some women have so deeply bought into our culture’s view of right and wrong for the female role in relationships. This may come from a religious upbringing and “sin” or it may come from societal obligation. Remember that monogamy through human history including biblical texts (regardless of your view on religion) were influenced by child bearing and preserving support and protection through pregnancy. Monogamy does in fact suppress intrasexual competition, men don’t frequently compete for you for mating when they know you are married. When men pursue women whom they know are married, they often shoot for short term hookups rather than pursuit of long term relationships. For over 85 percent of human history, societies have permitted men to have more than one wife. Wives were seen mostly as property and a vehicle toward creating offspring and thus progeny and wealth. Until only recently with the advent of birth control and the accessible vasectomy have long term consequences been removed from sexual activity. The history of human relationships was built on a societal tenet that no longer exists. The idea that sex can be purely recreational seems morally wrong and foreign. The hookup culture is the first generation that began to use the body language of sex as a part of courting.
Polyamory is more common than you might think
My parents didn’t raise me to be this way. Think of what my family would say! Your cultural roots may not involve much in terms of acceptance of polyamory however it is very common around the globe and throughout history. Your parents raised you the way they did because it is what they knew. Think of male circumcision in America. The vast majority of circumcision in the United States is done because the previous generation did it despite little to no medical benefits; yet we do it anyway.
Love it or not poly relationships are becoming more common especially as sexually liberated women realize that their sexuality is infinitely more complex than that of their male counterparts. Women need emotional connection in a long term partner but they also need sexual chemistry of a short term hookup. The traits of the long term partner often don’t match what they look for in a short term hookup. The long term partner is usually more emotional, communicative and vulnerable than the short term guy. The short term guy often has more masculine traits both physically and emotionally. The cocky guy isn’t usually relationship material but we can find his arrogance and confidence arousing for short term. A short term/long term mindset is also key. Know exactly what traits you are looking for. If you want a guy who arouses you physically, don’t spend too much time on conversation because you may be let down. If you need a guy who is intellectual to be aroused (shout out to all of us sapiosexuals).
The thought of non-monogamy upsets me
Think about this and what stirs these types of feelings in you. Consider that you are upset because it violates truths that you hold near and dear to your heart. In all scenarios, non-monogamy allows women to be more sexual liberated than many of us are comfortable with. Our sexuality is something to be squandered and saved. Your period is something to be ashamed of. Your body is disgusting. Society tells us many things but true power and liberation comes from the understanding that our society is not simply a vehicle for breeding. We have a complex sexuality and a sexual side that deserves to be satiated.
I lost respect for my husband
If my husband wants me to do this, he obviously doesn’t even know me. When he told me about his fantasy, I immediately looked at him differently. He took wedding vows about this shit and now he wants to be swingers? These are things I hear all too often. Open your mind for a moment and consider that he may know you well enough to see that you are not sexually satisfied. He remembers the new relationship energy from the beginning of your relationship. He remembers the sexual satisfaction that he saw in your face. Even if the chemistry of new relationship energy is long gone, he can help you experience this within the confines of your relationship. Sure you may have to bend some relationship norms and get comfortable with some new ideas but what if this is just what you needed to start feeling alive again? In the end not only did I gain respect for my husband but I grew closer to him sexually and emotionally. Playing mostly on the hotwife side of the spectrum but dabbling on the cuckold side, I learned a tremendous amount about his drive and arousal patterns.
In the end not only did I gain respect for my husband but I grew closer to him sexually and emotionally.
I’m new to this whole thing
I mentioned that I am a recent convert and while we aren’t being crazy, we have a couple friends that come over to play. One of them is a friend who may hang out for the entire afternoon and socialize with us. The other is someone that lives close by and we call him over as needed. Experiencing the full spectrum of sexuality is key to feeling fulfilled as a woman. We are complex and the conundrum of needing a long term partner and short term hookups to feel satiated can be viewed as a dilemma, it also has a very simple solution.
I s’pose you are. Evolving that is. (See what I did there?)
I remember you being averse to the term cuckolding, but after all, a rose is a rose by any other name. It seems like part of your evolution (oops, I did it again) has allowed you to better understand that label words like cuckold mean what they mean to you, and you may just give less of a fuck about what others might feel it is. It’s one of life’s benefits us old, err, older people like me, discover as time marches on. Congratulations.
As is always the case Emma, the words that you have strung make incredible sense given the context of some people’s point of view. There is no right, or wrong in any words that people put to paper, only perspective. I get that there are plenty of men that are the origin of a cuckold fantasy. Of course, I don’t really know but I’d bet that the majority of all actual cuckold relationships (good or disastrous) originated with a fantasy by the husband, and then as something he had to introduce, then “sell” to his wife.
I also strongly believe that are plenty of husbands like me that started out with zero interest in even contemplating their wife fucking another man as acceptable (for whatever reason), let alone proposing it to her as his fantasy/fetish. Guys like me that have evolved (there it is again) and progressed tremendously as a direct result of what it is we talk about here; FemDom, WLM/FLR, orgasm control and denial, cages, control, etc. You know what? It works!
Ms. K. and I have been madly in love with each other for 25 years, married for 23 (this fall) and in a committed, acknowledged, official Wife Led relationship for nearly half of our marriage. We both believe we entered into it with honorable and honest intentions. Those being my desire to dedicate my life to allowing her to life with as much pleasure, happiness and joy as possible. Sexual and otherwise. The joy that we both experience from our lifestyle and the ensuing deepening levels of trust that has come from it has allowed, even promoted me from softening my feelings on how I feel about the possibility that my beloved wife would want to fuck other men.
Even today, I do not have a fantasy about her fucking other men (or women … okay maybe women). Likewise, she has not wavered from her insistence that she has no desire to have sex with another man. How do I know? We’ve talked about it. More frequently over the last few years than the first few years, but we’ve talked about it. What has changed in me is that after all these years as the dutiful, dotting, loving, alpha yet submissive husband, I no longer feel like I would need to say no if she were to change her mind and want to fuck other men. We both know and have always agreed that the sex we have will be the sex that she wants, whatever that may be. She knows, and so do I that it is now and always has been and will be, her prerogative.
It’s always been my opinion that any successful non-monogamous relationship requires one specific thing. That being that the desire for such much genuinely be what the woman genuinely wants. I’m fully aware that such a genuine desire can indeed be sparked by a husband that has the fantasy and reveals it to his wife, even if she may initially be skeptical for the reason stated in your blog. I also believe that if she won’t or can’t ever feel a genuine desire to participate, that the relationship will ultimately be doomed. It’s just my opinion … I could be wrong. To each their own.
I will sometimes reflect on what exactly happened that allowed me to come around to the idea that if she wanted, it would happen, and I would support her in it. The best I could come up is genuine compersion. In other words, it if it were truly the type of pleasure she sought it her life, it would give me genuine pleasure to support her in it. We’d have to communicate as deep, as deep and complete as we ever had before, but our journey has taken us places of happiness and commitment that we would’ve never thought possible before. So yeah, it would happen if she wanted it to. All that said, other than the continued fantasy of wanting her to have pleasure in her life, I still don’t have the cuckold-specific fantasy.
Thanks for being here Emma. Properly evolving your man is such a beautiful journey! I recommend it highly!
My wife and I are not involved in any type of open or poly relationship where sex occurs outside our marriage. That said, your words below strike true to my heart.
“He knows that I struggle with self-image, body-image and even self-confidence. He knows that arousal has always been a challenge for me”
My wife shares those same struggles in a deep way and with help is working hard to evolve as a women. I have growing feelings of compersion, especially as I see her fight these demons. If she felt it would help, I would encourage my wife to explore any experiences that would aid her in this journey.
Key to my enjoyment that we find a man/bull whatever you call him who understands what we want to get from it. He needs to understand that my needs and my husbands needs are equally important. He needs to make my husband feel like he is involved instead of just an onlooker. If my husband is present he involves him in conversation and asks questions. If my husband is not present he sends him texts and keeps him engaged into our fantasy land. He can feed off my communication with my husband. If I am humiliating my husband, he can add to my teasing without crossing any lines. Once we are familiar with each other if he can help teasing my husband so I can focus on the man/bull then I am forever appreciative! It is a very complicated situation but it can flow effortlessly with the right guy.
I was opposed to taking this step at first but now I am so happy we did. It has done so much for my self esteem that I wonder if I can ever go back. There is no sneaking around, complete and open communication and love between my husband and I. Yeah. No. Not going back.
First, cuckolding is not my kink and it won’t be (not to worry, I’ve got plenty to be going on with). But I’ve always been confused that though running a kink site for D/s people you had such negative view of cuckolding, to the extent people have actually left the site.
I’m sure there are men who want to, basically, pimp out their wives and watch. I’m also sure there are swingers and swappers, but none of these are cuckolding. For me, the female has to have the power, to select the bull, to humiliate/restrain the husband and/or have him watch impotently – or not. To have the husband fluff her/them and/or clean her/them up afterwards.
Safe and consensual of course, but the dynamic of cuckolding as a kink absolutely fits with chastity and FLRs
Long ago, back in the 60s and 70s, the husband encouraging the wife to have lovers was mostly framed in the “controlling husband” theme. It can still be found, and it is often the case that is the husband that breaks the subject, but it has evolved into a much more female centric sport. As it should, because it is about recognizing and enabling that vast source of female sexual energy.
I did not need to be humiliated to enjoy my wife having lovers. As the newness of a marriage wears off in that 5-10 year range, eyes begin to wander. Male sexual energy has been in decline, female energy is often increasing at age 30-40. It is the perfect storm in a strictly monogamous relationship or the perfect opportunity to embrace adding lovers for her in the mix.
This a dance between love and lust. The additional lust she enjoys is lust he also shares. It usually spills over in more lust at home. All this lust flows because you love each other to begin with and that extra lust just brings more love. Remember, love cannot exist without respect. No matter how you enjoy this or frame it, all partners need to respect each other. Be nice humans and enjoy the pleasures of the flesh (and mind).
My Wife Karin is bisexual, so I knew from the start I could never be enough for Her. I agreed to a non-monogamous relationship before my first date with Her. We’ve been together 11 years now.
She has always had complete freedom to engage in sex with any man or woman of Her choice, and it is easy for me to see how Her sexual energy is boosted after She takes a new man or woman. Her heightened level of lust benefits both of us for several weeks after one of these encounters.
After being with Karin all this time, I wouldn’t to ever go to a monogamous relationship with Her, or with anyone.
I’d love to hear more about how things have gone over the years. I’m sure you’ve had some amazing and some not so amazing experiences. Do you have any gems of wisdom that you can share so we might be able to identify and squash experiences that might fall into the latter category?
The one thing I always keep in mind is, no matter how challenging it might be for me to handle what my beloved Wife is doing “tonight,” once the encounter is over, She always comes back home to me.
I suppose anyone (man or woman) who shares their partner should keep that in mind. Even though they might be having fun with someone else for right now, you are they one they chose to be with for the long haul.
Hi miss Emma, just wanted to ask how does the wife and her man feel after she actually sleeps with someone for the first time? We’ve been doing some soft stuff but now the wife insists on taking a bigger step
I think this will vary greatly by the experience and how making the fantasy become a reality plays out for each individual person. In terms of myself, we talk often and we’ve been incredibly let down by a few experiences and we’ve had some wonderful experiences as well. Understanding what you both hope to gain from the experience is key. ?