Feeling Guilty

Ask Emma: How can I stop feeling guilty about taking control?

Emma,

First off, thank you for maintaining such a great website. Your articles have been pivotal in feeling more comfortable about my wife and I’s desires. I’m reaching out to you today to see if you have any advice or recommended reading material from your website for couples who are transitioning into a Female Led Relationship, but experiencing feelings of guilt at times?

A little background, my wife and I are in our early 30’s. We are not new to kinking, but new to the FLR aspect of tease and denial. It’s always been a kink of ours, but we’ve never had the courage to express it to one another and commit to it. This has recently changed this year as we’ve taken the plunge into her controlling when and how I orgasm. It’s ranged anywhere from over a month to milking me multiple times in a session. We’ve both come to really enjoy it and it’s really reignited our already passionate sex life. We’ve recently taken it to the next step and our love making now consists of me always putting on my chastity cage and making love to her with my face. Once she’s feeling satiated and ready for more, I put on a strap on harness with a rather large dildo. This dildo measures 7.5″ inches in length and 2″ inches in width. I originally ordered it thinking it would be fun to use a dildo on her around the same size as me, but I quickly realized there was a large disparity between the dildo and myself… as I measure around 5.25″ inches in length and 1.25″ inches in width. Prior to us using the strap on harness, my wife would orgasm typically one out of five times during sexual intercourse from penetration alone. The first time we used the dildo with the strap on harness she had seven orgasms!

We think this is largely attributed to me not needing to orgasm and stop intercourse and also the size of the dildo. She’s becoming more confident over time and confided in me that the dildo’s width and extra length feel amazing for her and she really enjoys it. We’ve now had many sessions that end with her panting, full of sweat from all of her orgasms and me still denied without orgasm. We both really enjoy it. Here is where we are falling short: There are mild feelings of guilt between us. My wife is what one might call a “soft dom” – She’s naturally very shy, quiet, and articulate. She is not brash or in your face like some may expect a “dominant woman” to be. I can tell she sometimes has feelings of guilt with how much she enjoys the kink lifestyle we’re trialing. She appears to really enjoy the play and she’s becoming more comfortable with asserting to me how much better she orgasms from this style of play.. but I can tell sometimes that it appears she almost feels “bad” that I’m caged and not penetrating her, although I’ve assured her I 100% enjoy it. (It was all mostly my idea.) I also feel vague feelings of guilt at times, as if I wouldn’t absolutely adore seeing my gorgeous wife orgasm over, and over, and over again. These are confusing feelings at times when they do arise, which hasn’t been often. What are your suggestions? Is this possibly not the lifestyle for us? Are we making a mistake? Are these feelings normal and able to be explained? I appreciate your time.

Respectfully, Anonymous Committed Husband.

Hello Anonymous Committed Husband!

Thank you for sharing what are extremely common concerns. Your wife is taking control of sex in your marriage and that comes along with many feelings. Lots of feelings surround sex; something that is already surrounded by feelings. Your brain is your biggest sex organ so everything starts there. For many women, control is one of the biggest parts of sex. That is most often giving up control but many modern marriages the woman is learning that she feels very empowered by taking control. In taking control, she will determine when he cums, when he is locked, when or if sex happens and what type of sex that is. Women are also taking another look at non-monogamy and realizing that many of us simply aren’t wired to enjoy the same guy for years and years at a time. We are wired to thrive from the attention of many men. We are the peacocks of society, look at me, give me attention. When a woman takes control of her marriage, she does not give anything up. Indeed she takes that all and has an opportunity to be selfish with her sexuality.

Selfish in a marriage?

A marriage is about give and take, we should be equals. Right? One person in a marriage typically controls the sex. Whether that is the man demanding it or the woman allowing it. When you flip the script, the woman demands control of sexuality. She understands that this control feeds into all aspects of the relationship. You mentioned that she has more orgasms and gathers greater pleasure during sex. Oftentimes this is at the expense of your own pleasure. What she may be overlooking is the power of the brain. You are getting pleasure from sex by experiencing sexuality through her eyes. You are accepting that years of mediocre sex is bubbling up to the point where she has had enough.

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She is feeling guilty because we as women are trained that the purpose of sex is to please the man. If the man is pleased then sex is over. When he cums, sex ends. This of course leads to the orgasm gap, where 39% of women say they always orgasm when they masturbate as compared to 6% of the time when they have sex. Why is the gap so big and why does the gap come at the expense of heterosexual women? Our society’s definition of sex, that’s what. She may be feeling guilty about the way sex is going right now but if she takes a look at the big picture she may see that she has been misinterpreting her lack of sexual control all along.

Most men have an innate desire to please women. This is not just sexual but it often has its roots in sexuality. i.e. If my mate is pleased then she will not stray. Harnessing this desire to please inside the bedroom and throughout your sex life is a wonderful way to capture a new type of sexual control. The ah-hah moment happens when your wife accepts that you thrive from allowing her to take a sexual lead. When she finds that your needs are not only met by your orgasm but by her orgasms.

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Don’t accept the lie that you’ve been sold for your entire life. Sex is about women, take control in the bedroom and throughout the sexuality in your relationship. A modern marriage is based on a heightened focus on the woman’s sexual arousal cycle. She needs to feel sexy and she needs to feel satiated. This may mean that your ego needs to take a back seat as you pleasure her with something that isn’t your own penis. This may mean that she may need the attention of another man to feel alive. As women, our bodies can shut down boring or redundant sex and that often drives us into depression and reluctance to even be sexual. We can even stop seeing ourselves as sexual beings and that becomes dangerous to our own self image. The moment your self image doesn’t include the word SEXY is the moment that you need to re-evaluate your relationship and the active sexual role that you take in it.

Your wife is probably struggling with the roles that women have in relationships and what she thinks she should be in terms of a wife. You mentioned that you introduced this lifestyle to her and kudos to you for that. What you need to do now is show her that you didn’t introduce this to her to further control her. You introduced it to allow her to take that control. If you are directing the action, you are still in control. Step back whenever possible and let her make the decisions. Be as supportive as possible and show her that this isn’t today’s kinky fetish, it is your olive branch to allowing her a greater level of satisfaction in the sex life that you share together.

I hope that was helpful and best of luck as you work through it together.

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kristine

You really should add “Ask Emma” section in the forum. ❤

TinCup

I couldn’t agree more. I really hope that she finds time to write more based on the “Ask Emma” format.

There are people with doctorites and degrees in sex and relationships, but I doubt any have the personnal experience along with the ability to give advice with compassion, empathy, & humility. Emma is such a thoughtful and passionate mentor.

nevertoolate

We both really enjoy it. Here is where we are falling short: There are mild feelings of guilt between us. My wife is what one might call a “soft dom” – She’s naturally very shy, quiet, and articulate. She is not brash or in your face like some may expect a “dominant woman” to be. I can tell she sometimes has feelings of guilt with how much she enjoys the kink lifestyle we’re trialing. She appears to really enjoy the play and she’s becoming more comfortable with asserting to me how much better she orgasms from this style of play.. but I can tell sometimes that it appears she almost feels “bad” that I’m caged and not penetrating her, although I’ve assured her I 100% enjoy it. (It was all mostly my idea.) I also feel vague feelings of guilt at times, as if I wouldn’t absolutely adore seeing my gorgeous wife orgasm over, and over, and over again. These are confusing feelings at times when they do arise, which hasn’t been often. What are your suggestions? Is this possibly not the lifestyle for us? Are we making a mistake? Are these feelings normal and able to be explained?

There are so many models of “kink” behavior these days that they blurr what is not “normal” anymore, and that is okay. I think it is very sexy that your wife does not fit the mold. A quiet, determined dominant woman sounds very unique and alluring.

What you two have together is a blessing. It is obvious you communicate your desires well to each other and respect your feelings. You have certainly come to the best place on the internet to seek advice as Emma’s response shows.Respecting and supporting your wife may mean sacrificing your caging desires for her concerns. Remember she is in charge!

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