On this glorious site we go over female led relationships (FLR) and the focus is in the bedroom but what about the other 95% of the time when we aren’t in the bedroom. How does the female led relationship extend outside of the room that contains the bed? While we do practice a FLR we are on the lighter side of that world and we do not practice everything that I describe below but we’ve got a cocktail that works for us. If you have anything to add, please do so in the comments below or on the forum.
- Food & Fitness
You know better what he should be eating and what he shouldn’t, you can either require that he ask permission before he orders “may I order the burger or would you prefer that I have the salad” or you can simply order for him. Not only does this help ensure healthier eating habits but it establishes dominance over something that is a simple every-day task. Additionally you can have him wear a fitness tracker to watch over his daily fitness and ensure that you have an attractive, healthy and physically fit partner. Sometimes we all need a little extra nudge to keep our fitness in check! - Location & Check-Ins
Use an app to know his location at all times. Rather than asking what time he will be home, ask him “how much longer will you be at the post office” or “I see you are on the freeway, no stops on the way please. Come directly home.” If you choose to not use a tracker app, text him and ask him where he is often. Alternatively you can ask him to check in with you describing his location and what he is doing frequently while he is out. When driving in the car together, consider being the driver as it puts you in ultimate control of the destination and the path that you choose to get there. It is considered by many for the male driving to be chivalrous. I’d argue that it might be more dominant to drive and submissive to be a passenger. - Household Finances
Do you have a joint bank account? Separate accounts? Consider canceling his account and moving everything into your name. You can even remove his name from the account so you can share account and whichever financial details that you choose to. - Social Media
I find the couples accounts annoying so I don’t recommend that. Rather, I suggest that you use your own phone number and security questions for password resets. Also ask that he share his passwords with you. - Punishment
Buy a safe or remote locking device so you can remove some of his things when he needs punishment. It can certainly be an inconvenience to lose access to car keys, phone, Xbox controllers, cookies/treats or tv remote controls. - Grooming
Choose the type of hairstyle and facial hair that you prefer on him. You can even go with him to the hairstylist and speak directly to the stylist and leave him out of that conversation completely. - Self Improvement
It can be difficult to take initiative to better ones self but why not enroll him in classes that will make both of your lives more enjoyable. Cooking, massage and even gardening come to mind. In this vein, male chastity comes to mind. A long term male chastity regimen can also be a great part of self improvement to help harness sexual desire and bring sexual motivation and drive into different areas of the relationship. - Alone Time
Install some sort bracket in your basement, back yard, walk in closet or even a corner of your bedroom that you can use to tie him to. It doesn’t take much and that sort of thing can be easy to explain away so it doesn’t need to be obscured from view when you have guests over. We have a small eyehole bracket in our bedroom closet which is great for that purpose. The walk-in closet door can be open or closed. - Punishment & Correction
We are new to punishment and correction however many couples find this to be an essential part of a female led relationship. When you think of punishment, you probably think of spankings and so did I. Punishment can be chores, corner time, or even lockup and contemplative time. Kev and I recently purchased a very fun pillory which allows him to be firmly locked with a chain to the eyehole bracket that I mentioned in alone time section. - Humiliation
One of our favorite ways to promote a healthy female led relationship is through sexual humiliation. Humiliation can be hurtful but it can also be extremely sexy when a couple works together to figure out “where the line is” and how to make it a sexy adventure into the world of playful feelings without those feelings turning dark.
All of these things can seem controlling and manipulative so it is important that you use lots of positive reinforcement, appreciation and compliments to counteract any negativity that these might imply. It is also important that many things in the world of dominance and submission can be misconstrued as an invasion of privacy and trust. This is NOT a substitute for trust and communication as those things should exist in a healthy relationship prior to venturing anywhere else.
Do you practice domestic discipline? If so, please reach out in the comments as we are considering another foray into this exciting part of many female led relationships.
Long time ago…….My wife insisted that I change hair stylists to hers. She came in with me on my first appointment, they discussed the new style and look and stylists won’t cut my hair any other way. Over the years my style has changed a little but I’m left out of the conversation and the change just happens without my prior knowledge.
Awesome idea. I want to try that one now!
Admittedly our relationship isn’t a “typical” FLR, but here goes.
Karin can track where I am by my phone, but of course the reverse is not true. Likewise, She has the unlock PIN to my phone, but I do not have Hers. When She is away from our house, whether by Herself, with Her friends or with a date, I can’t use the “Find My” app on my phone to see where She might be. We do have methods for ensuring Her safety on a date without taking away from the delicious mystery of it all.
We have restraints in the bedroom but they’ve never been used for alone-time punishment. I like the idea and will have to ask Her about this, but Karin prefers to spank me when I have done wrong, and Her tool of choice is a wooden hairbrush. Spankings last from one to ten minutes depending on what I did. I have also lost Internet/gaming privileges at times.
She hates to drive, so I usually wind up doing that 99% of the time when we go anywhere together. She loves to cook, so cleanup of the kitchen is on my chore list.
We don’t have any social media accounts but She does maintain accounts at some “specialized” dating sites for both of us, which I am not allowed to see.
Karin controls our bank account. She gave me a card that I am allowed use, but She gets a notification from the bank any time I use it.
Karin insists I stay clean-shaven and neatly groomed. Also, not on the list: Karin buys my clothes and picks what I wear when we go out together.
“Admittedly our relationship isn’t a “typical” FLR, but here goes.”
Your relationship sounds beautifully typical to me. Congratulations!
Thank you for this blog post Emma. It’s a nice respite from talking and debating the benefits and perils of wives fucking and dating other men, and the humiliation of husbands of dominant women.
Like you and Kev, we don’t practice every one of the 10 things you listed (and others not listed), but we do practice some with a great deal of devotion, vigor and purpose. The things that we don’t practice have merely to do with a personal preferences and decisions of Ms. K., my beautiful, loving Mistress Wife. As part of WLM vows, unless there have already known and agreed limits, (of which there are relatively few) anything we do or don’t do is entirely up to Ms. K. and her preferences, however whimsical or temporary they might be.
All that said, we do have some basic things that are always done or expected in our marriage. On to your list …
1 & 2 are a given. She doesn’t always or even frequently feel the need to control food, fitness and locations/check-ins, but of course she can, and sometimes does. It isn’t veery often where she doesn’t already know exactly where I am, but all my phone tracking applications are switched on always. It is a requirement.
Number 3. We never did have a joint account. I make all of the dollars we have. It goes into our account automatically and is 100% controlled by her. I don’t have any restrictions on what I can buy or spend, but whatever it is it must be absolutely reasonably explainable and make sense to her. She is immediately notified by the bank of EVERY transaction in our accounts. If she doesn’t approve, for whatever reason she unilaterally decides, I am punished, often quite harshly.
Number 4. I am allowed to participate in any/every social media I want without restriction. She is of course allowed to spot check at any time without warning.
Number 5 and 9. Punishments and corrections are given at Ms. K.’s sole and absolute discretion. Recently, during a check-up conversation about the state of our marriage, Ms. K. acknowledged that her doling out of punishments and correction has been inconsistent and somewhat lacking over the past year or so. She has said that will not continue. When I am punished, I am usually ritualistically spanked, harshly, with a leather paddle. The ritual isn’t complicated or extravagant. When I am told I am going to be punished, I am required to remove all of my clothing, wait there standing to be told what position I am to assume for receiving her paddle. During EVERY punishment I am required to articulate my infraction, apologize for it, and vow to never let it happen again. The paddling will not end until those requisite benchmarks have been met, and of course until Mistress K. has determined the length and severity of the spanking will be. After every spanking, I am required to kneel naked and with my red stinging bottom, apologize again and then thank for m spanking.
Numbers 6, 7 & 8 are all things that are already within her purvue of course.
Number 10. Never purposefully will she humiliate. Her feelings are that humiliation would ultimately lead to her thinking less of her husband, to an ultimate point of no longer wanting to be with me. Of course, there are natural levels of humiliation that come from activities like spankings, peggings, always wearing a cage, sometimes wearing a butt plug all day, required panty wearing, etc., but she feels that kind of humiliation comes with the territory and are not at all a source of pleasure for her.
“All of these things can seem controlling and manipulative ….”
They absolutely are, and that’s ok. When these things exist in the confines of a loving, mutually respectful WLM, they are beautiful things in and of themself.
Clearly we do participate in Domestic Discipline, and we find it to be an essential element of our relationship. If you’d like more details other what’s above, let me know.
Thanks again Emma for the wonderful article.
Making the man take the woman’s last name in marriage is a way to practice FLR outside the bedroom.
The article and comments all have some really interesting ideas. One thing that I brought up to my wife early on in our WLM was I felt she didn’t need to ask for things from me she was free to just demand them. I wasn’t talking about like in a BDSM porn just not saying “[would] you grab that” just saying “grab that”.I thought it would set a very subtle tone to our relationship. something we could easily do in any situation without drawing unwanted attention to our dynamic. She like the idea but It was actually very difficult for her to let go of the niceties at first. Now I can’t remember the last time she has offered me a please or thank and I couldn’t love it more. It’s such a little thing it goes completely under the radar but I’ll be damned if I don’t feel my cage tighten up every time I’m getting her a drink or turning over the laundry without even a second thought that I deserve anything in return for my actions other then the joy I feel for doing what I’m told. Honestly her not offering me these platitudes fills my heart with my love then if she wrote me a poem for all the little things she now very comfortably expects of me.
Thank you, Emma,
This is one of my favorite articles so far! I’m curious to hear more about the differences between Alone Time, Corner Time, and Contemplative time. Would you be willing to write about the distinctions between those three? I would also love to hear more about the “very fun pillory!” Is this fun for you or also fun for Kev?
While we are not in a WLM any longer I did want to share that while we were it was one of Domestic Discipline. My wife had all rights to determine if, when, how, and how much I was punished (paddled). While in the moment I hated it however I knew it was needed and thinking about it before or after did arouse me. I guess you could call it a love/hate relationship.
Great post. Personal preference, we don’t do location monitoring everything else has been or hopefully will be tried.
I am a huge fan of using technology to fully empower womyn, so I really appreciate this post, Kudos and thanks for the ideas. Here are some others:
Bras and pantyhose under male outerwear. There are all sorts of lingerie items available in made-for-male sizes that are comfortable. A locking ankle bracelet will make it impossible to remove pantyhose.
The sort of locking, tamper-proof wristwatch-looking bracelets that institutions use. They offer GPS, geofence, and alert capability.
Net nanny type passwords and porn blockers on his phone.
Voice monitoring on his smartphone that can record conversations and pick out key words. For example, if he ever uses a term that is derogatory or offensive to womyn, the software can pick it up and identify it.
Painted nails (hands, toes, or both).
Ownership tattoos, preferably on the lower back.
Other sorts of gestures (such as opening doors, saying “yes ma’am”, and carrying a womyn’s purse, paying bills when shopping, and standing while all others are sitting) are all effective as well.
At home or with friends in controlled environments, training devices like shock collars are great too.
I want to preface my comments with this.. I am trying to klearn. I came across this whole lifestyle, if you will, and have fallen down the rabbit hole. My father was very traditional. I strive to be vastly different than him. The words I use are empathetic, compassionate, protective and fair. I don’t believe in domination, but cooperation and compromise. I don’t need a cage to be focused on my SO or doing the chores around the house. I learned that lesson in my 20’s.
While reading this website and others all over the internet. The analyst in me asks……is this any different than with male dominated relationships? Are we trading one form of oppression for another? If you trust, why track and more importantly why be untrackable? Does this world think that women are the only ones that lose that spark of the newness? Even if your partner has no interest, if you can’t handle them with someone else, than you have no business doing it yourself.
I’m not criticizing ENM. Personally I’d be open to it if my SO were bring it up. She isn’t so I won’t go there out of respect for her. When you go outside and involve others you take a risk…risk should be shared. Otherwise to me that hubby is a safe and financially stable place to land, which minimizes her risk. It kind of reminds me of my 20’s. Bad boys were always in high demand…I can’t fathom my SO refusing me because she’s emotionally concentrating on another person she’ll be dating a few days from now. If hubby is your bedrock, where does reducing him to a quivering voice and tears reinforce his place in your life? Reassurance described in the story to me sounds like placation. Another thing is the no PIV. Sure intimate moments don’t always have to include it but to be cut off completely and possibly permanently…..no words…..
I get that many of the males here have an internal thing for some of this. I probably make as much sense to you as some of this does to me.. I also have hang up for fairness. Life isn’t fair but I don’t give up. Now to find Emm’s writing on fair.
I look forward to any comments. I’m simply trying to learn and then I’ll move on…thanks and not be a bother.
“If hubby is your bedrock, where does reducing him to a quivering voice and tears reinforce his place in your life? Reassurance described in the story to me sounds like placation.”
Exactly my thoughts. I believe this is also true even if hubby says he’s good with it because if there is even the tiniest speck of doubt or remorse, it will reveal itself, and when it does, there will be structural damage to the foundation of the marriage that can’t be undone. A bell that can’t be un-rung.