To delay or not to delay, that is the question.

@dad-jokes

This is very unfortunate, the two of you seemed to be on such a beautiful and connected path. I hope you can work closely with her to restore trust. Like Franco said, at least you know you messed up and you are owning your poor decision. Raging hormones and sexual frustration can cloud decision-making and while it doesn't sound like you intentionally deceived her, you certainly succeeded in doing so. Once the dust settles, would you please give us an update?

The EYM family cares about both of you and we hope nothing but the best for your relationship through 2022!

It happens.

I'd suggest writing her a letter, spelling out what you did in detail, and apologizing. (Only if you mean it, of course.)

I write a lot of these letters ?

Hi all. Just over a week now and we've had some rough conversations, hurt feelings and honest discussions. We put the cage in our toybox and I assumed it would be out of commission for quite some time. A couple days ago she asked what I thought about trying it out again. After being locked and mostly ignored for a month and a half, I told her that I was reluctant but I would try if she wanted. She told me that she liked how attentive and loving I am when locked. I suggested that we try a week without the cage to see if I can put in some extra effort. After two days she said that it wasn't working and asked me to lock it back up but said that she wouldn't be for another long stint. This morning she hinted to having sex again in the next few days so I think I am out of the doghouse for now. I am very regretful about violating her trust and she knows that I was thinking with my ? and not with my ?. That doesn't excuse anything but maybe it sugar coats it. I made it about 45 days without ejaculating and hopefully we don't have to go through that again. 

She committed to making a better effort to make me feel physically loved. Reducing my physical needs to 5 minutes of timed physical intimacy per week didn't meet my needs and made me resentful. Now that I understand the ways she is comfortable with me communicating my physical needs, we should be in a better spot. We scheduled sex and pegging on certain nights which worked well for a while so we might go back to that. We also identified some external sources that might have made this situation blow up more than it should have. I mentioned that I've transitioned to more of a support role in our household which means that I probably need more physical and emotional reassurance than I've needed from her in the past. She identified that she doesn't have a very healthy body image right now and may have projected some of that toward me. Her unhealthy body image is tied closely to her sex drive. I've been taking it as her not finding me attractive and/or the newness wearing off. When we were fighting, I listened to a very interesting podcast about male desire that helped put some things into perspective for me. It really isn't all about sex, but sex is a huge part of male self worth and sexually valued. 

More updates as time goes on but I think we are back on track now. We've learned some things about each other and hopefully starting to mend what I fucked up by violating her trust. We also agreed that I'm also not going to do any lotion in that region prior to exercising, I learned a very unpleasant lesson there.

@dad-jokes Well done. Seriously, well done. Small steps. Love her. Communicate as well as you can, but also know when to bite your tongue. And love her.

Posted by: @true42

@dad-jokes Well done. Seriously, well done. Small steps. Love her. Communicate as well as you can, but also know when to bite your tongue. And love her.

Well stated!

@dad-jokes You started this evolution to work on the delayed ejaculation challenge to bring the two of you together sexually and by extension emotionally. A few steps forward, a few steps back. Life is a journey and the two of you are walking the journey together. Sometimes you falter and sometimes you leap forward. We appreciate you including us in your story. The road for the two of you might take a few different turns. Talk with her and decide the best way to proceed TOGETHER.

You can always go back to 24/7 lockup; unlocking for cleaning and for sex together. Based on what you said, she will need to give more in terms of teasing so you don't feel "locked and left". She will need to lead and control your sexuality but she has a responsibility to ensure that your needs are being met to prevent the “locked and left” resentment that happened last time. If either of you feels like your partner is indifferent to the other's needs, it is a recipe for disaster. 

That brings me to another option that may be more successful, given your recent challenges. With this option, she locks you at her whim and unlocks you at her whimsy. If she needs a deeper emotional connection, locked! If she feels like you are acting too needy, touchy and clingy, unlocked! Kev and I find that a weekly lockup schedule works best for us. With this option, she remains very much in charge of both your lockup and your releases. When you have sex, continue to set your timer. If you don't finish in time, lock back up immediately and enjoy her orgasm together. She can unlock you when she sees fit to do so. For your release (weekly or whatever interval) consider playing with a fleshlight or other masturbator toy. I enjoy watching Kev hump his toy, you can even set a 5 minute timer for that one as well. Your goal is to train your body for a five minute release and alleviate the "death grip" conditioning that you've done to yourself. It is important that there is absolutely no masturbating with your hand. The moment you do that is the moment you are back to square one. 

If you haven't already, read this blog / interview with @ultimatekim and @locked4wife it might be an alternative for a couple with mismatched libidos. Despite a mismatch in desire for traditional sex, women are highly sexual creatures. If we feel good about ourselves, nothing can STOP us sexually! If we are down on ourselves, nothing can START us sexually! Be supportive about anything that might help her body image! Offer to diet together or workout together. I am personally a huge workout fan and when I work out it boosts my libido something wicked. In the meantime, let her be in charge of sex, pegging and any of your releases. If you have a fleshlight, give that approach a try. I can't speak for your wife but my guess is that even if she isn't feeling like a sexual goddess, she would love to watch you spend some quality time with your toy. The movements and noises that my Kev makes are YUMMY! 

Your emotional closeness is tantamount, focus on communicating to make sure that you are both getting what you need. 

thank you kindly for tagging me @emma I don't get on the site much but I think I just received a notification about this because of your tag. Pleasantsly I could read six pages of the exactly things @locked4wife and I have experienced together. The same feelings of resentment. The same feelings of inadequacy on my part. The same feelings of unwontedness on his side. 

You suggest the fleshlight and I recommend that also! I enjoy holding it for him or placing one end beneath me while I am laying on my side so he can hold me while he has his way with the light. i love the noises he makes and his breathing and we use the 5 minute timer for all of our sessions to help train him to finish in that amount of time. I feel better about initiating because I can spare five minutes to make him feel loved and it isn't such a big deal as a half hour or even longer than that! Sex is great but if I spend my whole night wrapped up with sex then I get bored and I don't even want to do it that much. 5 minutes is perfect and one time i surprised him by telling him I was enjoying it and restart the timer for another five minutes. If you had seen his smile! Not only because of double his time but to know that I enjoyed it. 

@dad-jokes you can message me or ask on here if you have questions about the ways we use the flesh light. @locked4wife still comes maybe one in three times we have sex but it is less important to both of us since he doesn't need to wait a week and fill his head with worry if he will miss his opportunity when that time comes. 

The timer helps me to train my body when it should cum. I like the fleshlight when Kim says go get the light and set your timer for five minutes. Sometimes she watches closely and sometimes she is more interested in her phone or tv. Not sure if I prefer close attention or no attention they are different but the part that is making sure my needs are met except with her terms she wants. I am locked most times and unlocked for either my light or to make love with my ultimate lovely. She may not need the sex in the traditional way but we make our own ways to keep the sexual connections.

@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j   I understand what you are saying.  Five minutes to orgasm or get locked back up is good.  The fleshlight toy is a good thing, but what if the man cannot stay hard without using his hand. I understand masturbation is to be prevented.

@dad-jokes So. How are things?

@therachel Thank you for the reminder to post an update. Life got busy for both of us so I haven't posted for a while. During that time she has asked me to lock it up a few times and I've changed the subject. I know that locking me up with no teasing will just make me resentful so I would prefer to take a break from the cage. In the past, we discussed the importance of teasing when I am locked but I don't think it comes naturally enough. Some of the teasing ideas others have posted sound very hot and knowing that she was making an effort while I am caged would make me feel like it wasn't so one-sided.

We've had sex once and the timer continues add a positive spin on things. She knows that the timer will put an end to sex at a designated time and it doesn't put her in the negative position of ending the fun. I offer to lock up immediately after the timer goes off and enjoy her orgasm with her or use the fleshlight and she has allowed me to use the fleshlight beside her while she uses her toy. So life is good over here. We aren't back where we started but we aren't where we hoped to be either.

Posted by: @dad-jokes

@therachel Thank you for the reminder to post an update. Life got busy for both of us so I haven't posted for a while. During that time she has asked me to lock it up a few times and I've changed the subject. I know that locking me up with no teasing will just make me resentful so I would prefer to take a break from the cage. In the past, we discussed the importance of teasing when I am locked but I don't think it comes naturally enough. Some of the teasing ideas others have posted sound very hot and knowing that she was making an effort while I am caged would make me feel like it wasn't so one-sided.

We've had sex once and the timer continues add a positive spin on things. She knows that the timer will put an end to sex at a designated time and it doesn't put her in the negative position of ending the fun. I offer to lock up immediately after the timer goes off and enjoy her orgasm with her or use the fleshlight and she has allowed me to use the fleshlight beside her while she uses her toy. So life is good over here. We aren't back where we started but we aren't where we hoped to be either.

You learned to enjoy experiencing her pleasure. It took me a long time to enjoy watching my husband's pleasure but I can say don't give up. This morning I woke up my husband and stroked up and down his legs with my nails I kissed his thighs cupped his balls with one hand while I blew my warm breath on his cage. His body shook and got goosebumps as I tortured him. I never unlocked him and it took maybe two or three minutes of my time to give him the highlight of his day. Then I told him to get up so we can go to my sisters house and he got up and got moving quickly. I was a selfish lover at one time and I can admit that. Learning to get pleasure from seeing the man I love receive my pleasure is lovely and empowering for me. He received pleasure because I gave him pleasure. He feels important to me when I take time to make him feel important. If I don't make time for him, he can feel resentful and can sulk and get despondent. 

I'm not saying your girlfriend is a selfish lover at all but I am saying that she is missing out on something beautiful. Two nights ago my husband grabbed my butt when I was wearing yoga pants and I slapped his hand away and told him to sit down on the edge of the couch and gave him a great lapdance. I am completely uncoordinated and a "bigger" girl so great may be overhyping my own skills but he enjoyed my effort and I know he loves my body so it made me feel confident even though I admit that my body image isn't ? like it was when I was younger. That is on me I know in my heart that he loves me exactly how I am. So I think she is missing out. I could facetime her or talk on the phone. I just want to tell her how much she is missing out on. I think for me 80% of the sexual satisfaction in the relationship comes from the woman. When I make an effort, I get that effort back ten times is what I am saying.

@therachel Oh my wife isn't a selfish lover, I didn't mean to insinuate that. She is very selfless but I do like when openly accepts massages or acts of service and allows herself to be selfish. She deserves to be selfish from time to time, she is really a wonderful woman.

I do like the empowerment and confidence that you get from teasing your husband, I hope my wife gets there. We had sex yesterday and she locked me up immediately after without orgasm. Through the day she did a great job of teasing and making it known that I wasn't "locked and left" as Emma calls it. The teasing really helps. Your comment about 80% of the sexual satisfaction in the relationship coming from the woman is interesting, our marriage counselor said almost that same thing. I am very thankful that she took our conversations to heart, it makes me feel like she listened and that makes me feel important and appreciated.

She didn't say how long I'll be locked this time around but I hope it much shorter than last time! After she locked it, she said something about Valentines day. I'm not sure if she was hinting or if that was unrelated.

Posted by: @dad-jokes

Through the day she did a great job of teasing and making it known that I wasn't "locked and left" as Emma calls it. The teasing really helps.

The teasing is the entire point. A locked cock is little different than an unused cock, my wife gives me stripteases and bends over provocatively while nude and begs me to fuck her. Things she would never do if I wasn't locked. As she expresses herself sexually, her impact on you is undeniable. There is no pressure for her to go further than she feels comfortable and she knows when she says stop, it is over. My cage is as much a confidence boost for her as it is to make me a better listener and better at making her feel loved in the ways that she best receives my love.

Her confidence boost makes her even sexier than she already is. AND THAT MY FRIENDS is no small feat.

Posted by: @therachel

I was a selfish lover at one time and I can admit that. Learning to get pleasure from seeing the man I love receive my pleasure is lovely and empowering for me. He received pleasure because I gave him pleasure. He feels important to me when I take time to make him feel important. If I don't make time for him, he can feel resentful and can sulk and get despondent. 

There is wisdom in these words, for sure.  Sometimes, when we put emphasis on labels it can become confusing.  It's a natural thing for all of us to do.  In the unique context of one's relationship, one man/woman's idea of a good thing can easily be thought of as a bad thing.  I think all of us are in agreement about the absolute importance of teasing, loving attention, and to avoid the dreaded and relationship-killing "locked and left" or ignore and dent aspect of this thing we do.  As it absolutely should be.

For Ms. K. and I, a large source of pleasure in my marriage comes from the bliss and happiness that she has in her life, whether it is sexual or otherwise.  In turn and naturally, the more happiness and bliss I can help Ms. K. enjoy in her life, the more attention, sexual and otherwise, she naturally bestows upon me.  The chicken or the egg?  Perhaps. 

Something that may sound odd and counterintuitive ... in our relationship Ms. K., with my support and encouragement, is working on how to be MORE selfish in what she wants in her life.  Doing so doesn't mean that it requires anguish or pain in my life.  Quite the contrary.  She has never had an inclination to inflict discomfort on me, or anyone else for that matter.  It's just simply not in her nature.  In fact, she's exactly the kind of girl that when she walks through the forest, blue birds land on her shoulders, squirrels and rabbits appear to walk with her and butterflies flutter nearby, all singing their songs to her.  Yes, even the butterflies.  In other words, she has always been the kind of giver that would sometimes come at the expense of her preferences and comfort.  Not any longer!

O/our quest for her to find more and more comfort in being selfish, sexually and otherwise, isn't a potential source of angst or discomfort for me.  For her it means simply not worrying or feeling guilty about wanting and getting what she wants, when and how she wants it.  It doesn't come at the expense of my joy or happiness.  In fact, the exact opposite is true.  She is constantly marching toward the most blissful existence in her life, and her doing so makes my heart sing.  Mutually beneficial to say the least.  

Do either of us a concern that things could evolve (see what I did there Emma?) into her becoming a mean, sadistic, tyrant-like bitch?  Absolutely not, but we will always be mindful of O/our primary goal of balance in our quest for her to live a blissful life.  Like everything else in a loving relationship, it requires constant, honest, and full communication.  The very same kind of communication that would be necessary if a couple were to venture into non-monogamy or, in our case, a (mostly) permanent caged status for me, even during sex. 

What I am saying here is not imply that there aren't/can't be significant problems associated with being selfish.  The devil's in the details and whatever any couple does, feels or defines their relationship as, if it brings them happiness, I more than just support it.

The future is bright, and Ms. K. and I are walking briskly toward it, hand-in-hand.

@stevesub 

"I can orgasm and ejaculate physiologically, but I'm not allowed to in my own FLR relationship."

Interestingly enough, I have ED and related issues and cannot really orgasm. My wife and I got into very good shape and I was hoping it might help my issue. Occasionally I have a release thats similar to a milking, but it is rare. I just posted elsewhere that while we were being intimate the other night I wanted to orgasm and tried in the worst way but couldn't. My wife and I really enjoy our FLR and she said, quite seriously, that she doesn't really want me to orgasm anyway. Man, my erotic frustration level went up to 500! Then we talked for an hour and went to sleep. In the morning I told my wife I was rather glad if she really meant it. She did. I'd prefer not to be finished with orgasms while only in my 50s, but this seemed like an interesting arrangement to us.