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Emma
 Emma
(@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j)
Member Admin

As many of you know, Kev and I are engaged. We've had some conversation about keeping our last names when we get married or even the possibility of him taking my last name. He sent me this blog tonight and I found it interesting. Have any men taken their wife's last name? If so, would you be willing to share your experience with me?

https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/meet-the-men-taking-their-wife-s-surname-20211206-p59f5w.html

What do you think about this archaic practice? Why did we even do it in the first place? I may write a blog about it so give me something quotable if you want to be blogged about. 


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Topic starter Posted : 19/01/2022 7:59 pm
Butler4u
(@butler4u)
New Member

Dear Emma,

here some information from the other side of the pond. ? 

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From a purely legal point of view, a name change in Germany and Austria on a marriage is possible as follows:

  • Common family name
  • Double name (e.g.: "Biden-Trump")
  • Separate names (male and female continue to have their own names; possible in Austria since 1995)

Finding reliable figures is not easy. According to one information from Germany in 2016, 6.2 percent of men took their wife's name. This is twice as high as in 1996 (Source "Morgenpost.de" Germany). This is cross confirmed with another source saying only six percent of couples decide to take the woman's family name after marriage (source "Frankfurter Allgemeine" December 2018). Three quarters of the time, couples choose the man's last name; In 1976 it was still 98 percent.

As far as I know, it is not possible to make precise statements about names in Austria because this data is not recorded centrally. In a diploma thesis from the University of Vienna from 2009, data from various registry offices were evaluated. In 2008, 87 percent of couples decided to use the man's name as their common name, only three percent that of the woman. Ten percent kept their birth name. 13 percent of those who decided on a common name chose a double name. The name discussion becomes even more complicated in the case of a child. If there is a common surname, the child automatically receives this. If both parents have kept their surnames, they must choose one of them as the name for the child. A double name is also possible, formed from the name of the father and the mother, which must be connected with a hyphen. If only one parent has a double name, this can also be determined for the child by means of a name declaration (source includes "Kurier.at").

A surname can also be bad and therefore a reason to change. This is the case if it means something different in the current national language or is unpronounceable. Apart from this trivial reason, there are various motives for the name change.

From a pragmatic point of view (from my point of view), it will probably also be related to the age and / or the popularity of the name. At a young age and with little notoriety, the name change (for both) is completely insignificant. It will probably get more complicated later. Anyway, we both go by our own names.

So far from good old Europe …. ?

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Posted : 20/01/2022 3:16 am
Emma
 Emma
(@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j)
Member Admin

@butler4u Thank you! I was reading something about a Tennessee law that was active until the 1970s which required women to change their surname to that of their husband. 

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Topic starter Posted : 20/01/2022 9:56 am
true42
(@true42)
Estimable Member

@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j Not gonna lie ... there are a lot of bad laws in the state of TN ...

It's an extremely backwards state, although it has many, many wonderful and intelligent people (and even real rocket scientists).

Unfortunately, TN continues to cut education funding and public services, and its trajectory is often going in the wrong direction 🙁

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Posted : 20/01/2022 12:26 pm
Emma
 Emma
(@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j)
Member Admin

It is really incredible how many crazy laws there still are. I think oral sex was even illegal in some states until recently. Poor Kev broke the law this morning!

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Topic starter Posted : 20/01/2022 1:18 pm
true42 liked
subhubphx
(@subhubphx)
Prominent Member Supporter

@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j 

 


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Posted : 20/01/2022 1:58 pm
RIChris liked
RIChris
(@richris)
Active Member

My wife and I discussed this when we got married waaaaaaaaaay back in the 1990s. ?  We decided that I would take her last name, but then as the day approached I got cold feet.  Part of it was the notion of having to explain the decision to family and friends, but to be honest the biggest hurdle for me was that my last name is "ethnic" and already hyphenated *and* extraordinarily rare, even back in the "old country".  Changing it felt a bit like shooting an endangered species. ?

So we ended up with me keeping my last name, she hyphenated hers with one half of mine, and that "family name" became what the kids got.  Slightly messy, like most compromises, but it worked for us.  I will say, though, that it has caused confusion in the rest of the world from day one and continues to do so.

Obviously you and Kevin should do what best fits you and makes you happy.  But if you choose one name (and I love the idea of it being yours; I was the one who initially suggested that I change mine), there may be a brief burst of explanation in the beginning, but you will save yourself a *lot* of repetitive explanations down the road.

The other factor to consider is children, if y'all plan to (or might) make parenthood part of your journey together.  If you have a common name, it becomes their name too and everything makes sense, both to them and to the outside world (schools, other kids, other parents, etc.).  If you have different names, what name do they get?  And be prepared to explain *that* decision a million and a half times.

In the end there is no wrong decision, and the rest of the world has no business trying to tell you what to do with your names.  It's just that in this, as in everything else in life, if you choose to stray off the beaten path there will be *some* cost to it.  You just need to have your eyes open and be sure it's a cost you're comfortable with.

Best of luck with this decision and in all things!

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Posted : 21/01/2022 6:17 am
philaster
(@lukewarmfusion)
Active Member

A couple I used to know decided to make up a brand new last name and they both took that. They designed something unique and meaningful to them. Every search result for that name on Google points to them. They also rank among the quirkiest people I've ever met.

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Posted : 22/01/2022 9:50 am
restrainedlove
(@restrainedlove)
Trusted Member

@lukewarmfusion we have discussed making up a new last name before. We'll see if we move forward with it. We need to consider the children and professional implications as well.

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Posted : 25/01/2022 1:22 pm
Emma
 Emma
(@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j)
Member Admin

We set a date ladies and gentlemen!

I really liked the idea @restrainedlove suggested about a brand new last name for both of us but ultimately decided Kev and I will both take my surname because he feels more connected with my family. 

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Topic starter Posted : 09/02/2022 8:00 am
TinCup, true42, restrainedlove and 1 people liked
subhubphx
(@subhubphx)
Prominent Member Supporter
Posted by: @evolvingyourman_ivcr4j

We set a date ladies and gentlemen!

I really liked the idea @restrainedlove suggested about a brand new last name for both of us but ultimately decided Kev and I will both take my surname because he feels more connected with my family. 

Congratulations Emma and Kev.  Welcome to the party.  Married bliss!

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Posted : 09/02/2022 8:25 am
soundsofdelight
(@soundsofdelight)
Trusted Member

Hi Emma,

First off congratulations on your intended union, making an honest man out of Kev. As for name changes I don't think either party should be forced to change their family name and in my my case it didn't happen. We both kept our surnames and the only time it has ever been a problem was when we wanted to hire a car in the USA. For security reasons we only took one credit card with us which happened to be my wife's. As it was her name on the card she had to hire the car which I was not allowed to drive. Even though the credit card account is in both names Hertz car rental told me to swivel. Shame really 'cos it spoilt the holiday.

The only downside with a name change, which oddly affected me more than I thought it would, was when a niece got married and took her husband's name. It felt strange when a family member took on a new name and abandoned the old. Somehow it felt as if there was an immediate disconnection which was a little sad.

I digress though. You've already made your decision and if it helps Kev have a greater sense of connection with your family then good on him. You have a good'un there. Best wishes and good luck to you both.

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Posted : 09/02/2022 10:29 am
restrainedlove
(@restrainedlove)
Trusted Member
Posted by: @lukewarmfusion

A couple I used to know decided to make up a brand new last name.

To be fair, I wasn't the first to mention it and we haven't acted on it yet.
Congratulations!

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Posted : 09/02/2022 1:47 pm
subhubphx
(@subhubphx)
Prominent Member Supporter

@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j   Been thinking about your exciting news.  I think my mere "Congratulations" to you both was too pedestrian.  I can't tell you how excited we are for your upcoming nuptials and all that comes with it.  The planning, the ceremony, the guests, the flowers, the honeymoon ... all that.  It's so exciting to see you both evolving (see what I did there?) from a FLR to a WLM.  I think it's wonderful that Kev feels so attached to your family that he would take your last name.  That's a very courageous thing for him to do.  

I hope you'll let us in on at least some of the details of the upcoming blessed event.  None of the following questions do I expected you to answer, but ... Will he wear his cage for the ceremony?  Will there be two ceremonies, for the vanilla obligations and one, perhaps private (like ours was) to commemorate your dynamic?  Will the consummation be traditional or more in line with your lifestyle?  Will he be allowed to cum on his wedding night?  All questions, and more I'm sure you'll ponder and decide on.

Emma, again, just so happy for the two of you.  God Bless you both!

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Posted : 10/02/2022 7:57 am
Emma
 Emma
(@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j)
Member Admin

Thank you all so so much. Our date is late August and we haven't fully explored many of the questions that you asked but we are leaning toward a destination wedding for just the two of us followed by a small celebration dinner at a fancy restaurant with family. We are trying to navigate the feelings that a destination wedding might hurt but life is about us and our friends and family will get over themselves eventually. The institution of marriage doesn't mean a whole lot to either Kev or I. We made a commitment to each other long ago and we don't need some fancy ceremony or societal stamp of approval. Kev and I love you all and we thank you so much for all of your love and support. He and I would not be as strong together if it wasn't for all of you. Of that, there is no question in my mind. We appreciate you letting me explore the vast recesses of my mind with my chosen artistic medium. The written word.

 


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Topic starter Posted : 11/02/2022 10:29 am
subhubphx liked
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