Things your Lady does that you would rather She not do?

You are a better man than me to be able to accept it and move on. Smoking is a hard no for me. It has killed too many of my family and will not be brought into our house with my teenage daughter. I would endure a great deal of cruel acts rather than accept that. Gladly, my wife feels the same way.

The other hard no is public humiliation. Teasing in the bedroom is fine, even with others if it is descrete. Beyond that, it's WWIII.

I have a great wife that shares my values, so I am lucky. All the other stuff is just petty annoyance.

I can fully appreciate your position regarding smoking, especially when children are involved. Neither my Wife nor I have any.

When my Wife and I started our relationship, She was already a smoker and had been since She was a teenager. I accepted Her as She was then, and I'd do the same now.

In over 11 years together, and nearly five years married, She has become everything to me - a lover, a best friend, a teacher, a trusted advisor, someone I never want to be without. I don't want to introduce friction into our relationship over what averages out to maybe one cigarette a week. She does keep Herself in good health otherwise. Daily exercise, routine checkups with Her doctors, etc.

As far as humiliation and degradation goes, Karin isn't into doing those sorts of things. She does enjoy flirting with others (men or women) right in front of me, even on date night. But She also knows it's a turn-on for me rather than humiliation, as it might be for some men.

Posted by: @mickg93

Question for the gentlemen here: Is there anything your Lady does that you would rather She not do? (Basically something you don’t approve of, but the Ladies we belong to don’t require our approval.)

When I first met my lovely Wife Karin, She smoked regularly, though not heavily. Generally, She would smoke a pack of cigarettes in about three days to a week. About a year before we were married, She quit smoking and started vaping.

She has both a Juul for ease of use and what seems like dozens of different vape pens with different flavors of e-juice. She vapes more than She had ever smoked. I’ve seen Her go through a four-pack of Juul pods in a day once, but never more than about half a pack of cigarettes when She smoked daily.

But She still smokes cigarettes occasionally, also. When Karin wants to smoke, She usually will have me go and get a pack for Her. She might smoke three to five from that pack over a couple days, before giving the rest to Her hairdresser or one of Her other friends, many of them still smoke regularly.

She knows what the risks are, and is in very good health otherwise. I know better than to nag Her about it, and since it doesn’t change anything about my love for Her, I’ve just accepted that She will always be an occasional smoker, even if it is only a pack or two over the course of a year now.

It is the only thing about Karin that I would change, if I were able to.

Well, helping your spouse with smoking cessation certainly is a good thing. Buying cigarettes for Karin doesn't seem like helping her quit though and is not congruous with your intent. It is unlikely that she will quit if you keep buying her cigarettes as she won't be motivated by your intent. She may see it as "my spouse doesn't care enough about me quitting to not buy cigarettes, why should I care?"

Also, continuing to vape will simply continue her nicotine addiction as will her hanging out with other nicotine users. Big Tobacco's (BT) settlement with the FDA specifically prevented the FDA from interfering in BT's core business of cigarettes in the future (can continue to sell existing brands and no flavored cigarettes except menthol). As long as BT can get individuals addicted to nicotine through vaping and keep them addicted, they will come back to cigarettes.

This risk calculator from University of Michigan may be helpful as you model Karin's current and future risk of lung cancer.

https://shouldiscreen.com

As effective as lung cancer screening with CT is (number needed to screen to prevent one death is far lower in lung cancer than breast or colon cancer), the much more effective lung cancer mortality reduction intervention is to quit smoking. As long as Karin continues to smoke any amount of cigarettes, her lung cancer risk will not go down. The current model for lung cancer mortality risk reduction doesn't go down until 15 years of tobacco cessation. This is reflected in the design of the National Lung Screening Trial and current recommendations/coverage for lung cancer screening with annual CT of the lungs from US Preventative Services Task Force and Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, respectively.

If the lung cancer, effect on skin aging, and stroke/heart attack/peripheral artery disease aren't enough, just break out the calculator and determine how much you are giving to Big Tobacco as a result of this habit and how long it would take to save enough money for a trip to the Bahamas, pair of diamond earrings, new car or other highly desirable purchase, if Karin quits. Sheesh, just seeing that cash accumulate in a pickle jar would be plenty of motivation.

Remember that typically only 10% of quit attempts are successful for a year continuously, so any failures to quit should not be viewed with disappointment, but simply with an acknowledgement that quitting aint easy.

Good luck to you and Karin!

According to the risk calculator, Karin’s risk is 0.7%. Low, but not zero. It’s an estimate, since I don’t know Her full smoking history. She has told me She started at 16, and rarely smoked more than two packs in a week, so I used 48 years at 7 per day.

Karin last asked me to get Her a pack of cigarettes on Labor Day weekend. She smoked four that weekend before giving the rest of the pack to one of Her friends.

Perhaps I should (gently, and emphasizing my concern for Her health) bring up the subject of quitting the next time She asks me to get a pack, which will likely be this weekend or next.

It had been about six weeks since She last smoked a cigarette, so I knew She would be asking me to get Her cigarettes again relatively soon. Saturday (yesterday) evening, Karin asked to go and get Her a pack of Virginia Slims. I told Her how much I loved Her, how I never want to lose Her or see Her become ill, and brought up my concerns about smoking and Her health. She gave me a long, passionate kiss but otherwise didn’t respond to anything I said. She just softly repeated Her request to me. I did as I was asked.

When I got back home with Her cigarettes, Karin had Her hairbrush in hand. She asked me to sit out on on the balcony with Her. She sat in my lap and I brushed Her hair, while She smoked a cigarette without saying a word. I could feel that She was tense at first.

Karin lit a second cigarette while I continued brushing Her hair. Between me brushing Her hair, and Her smoking, I could feel Her becoming more calm and relaxed. She told me that She does want to quit smoking cigarettes (but not vaping) at the beginning of next year. She gently reminded me that there was to be no further discussion of quitting until next year.

After She finished Her second cigarette, I handed Karin the hairbrush and we went back into the bedroom. She put the hairbrush and the nearly-full pack of cigarettes in Her nightstand.

I’m happy that Karin wants to try to quit smoking again, but I won’t mention it again to Her until next year.

@mickg93 ❤️

You were brave and loving to let her know how you care about her health.