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Vanilla FLR

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Posts: 9
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Topic starter

Anyone else in a vanilla FLR?  I wish I was in a highly sexual FLR but that's not something my wife wants.  Tease and Denial is the only kink and it's not strictly enforced.  I asked for the tease and denial. I tell her she can only make me orgasm but the truth is she doesn't care if I do.  I have gone 3 months without orgasm with being teased regularly.

My Wife led marriage is not formal but she does have rules.  The rules are not written down but she gets angry with me if I break any of these rules. They are:

Husband Obeys wife

Wife controls the finances

Husband does all housework and grocery shopping


Wife can and does withhold sex from husband

Husband does not argue or fight with wife even if she starts it

I enjoy being submissive to her.  I know it sounds strange but I get satisfaction from it.  Going long periods of time without an orgasm makes me want to follow the rules.  The more horny I get, the more I want to serve her.  I enjoy this feeling.  It's sexual for me but not for her.  I still argue with her sometimes.  The wife led marriage is something I asked for and I want to do better.

Anyone else in a similar situation? 




Posted : 05/09/2022 10:58 am
Posts: 3
New Member

when you say its not for her if you want help with that you need to explain in more detail

Posted : 06/09/2022 3:13 am
Posts: 299

Do you find your relationship fulfilling?  Does it increase the intimacy, bond, and openness between you and your wife?  What, exactly, are your needs that are being satisfied by this relationship?  Is it making you both better people?

Posted : 06/09/2022 6:04 am
Posts: 9
Active Member
Topic starter

My wife has always wanted to be the dominant partner in our marriage.  The marriage became a wife led marriage when I told her that I will let her be in charge and obey her.  She always wanted this. Our marriage is better. 

It would be great to be spanked for being a bad boy, lick her pussy every day, get pegged ...  That's not going to happen.  She lost her sex drive after menopause, and she is fine with that. She does order me around more because she knows that turns me on.  She plays along with the tease and denial.  Yes, she doesn't really care if I masturbate.  If I don't masturbate and rely on her for an orgasm it will be weeks or months between orgasms, so it does work for us.  I clean house nude with a butt plug inserted.  To my surprise it doesn't freak her out. I revealed a side of myself to her that she had not seen, and she is Ok with it. Yes, it's fulfilling to serve her.  

The reason I posted was to connect with other men in a similar situation. 

Posted : 06/09/2022 7:51 am
Posts: 299

@ksk I am glad you find it fulfilling and that it is important to her that you are fulfilled.  I think connecting with other guys in similar situations is a fantastic idea.  It would have helped me in my first marriage.  

I am certainly not predicting that something similar is going to happen to you.  But my marriage went through a similar phase and the outcome for us was not good.  The end took a long time in coming, mostly because I was working overtime to find a way to keep the love going while ignoring the writing on the wall.  What was once a mutual relationship became completely one-sided sometime after I accepted that she was not interested in sex.  As you say, that happens and it can be perfectly fine.  But once it was clear that my ex couldn't have cared less about me (sex or anything else, for that matter) except for what she could get from me, I realized there were two distinct relationships; the pretend one that I was making up in my mind to try to justify a loveless marriage and the one that died when she decided she was unwilling to be vulnerable to anyone, especially her husband.  She closed off and I was left to fend for myself. I had no one to give me a reality check to help me see I was in denial.

You don't have to have a lot of sex to be intimate.  And intimacy is far more important than sex.  Just keep communicating.

Posted : 06/09/2022 10:15 am
joebear reacted
Posts: 9
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Topic starter

@ allabouther I am glad to hear you are happy in your new marriage.  I understand what you are saying about your previous marriage.  I am curious if you told your ex-wife you liked to be submissive? If yes, how did she react?  

I don't have a loveless marriage.  It's a sexless marriage except for tease and denial.  My wife is having hot flashes, trouble sleeping, and lost sexual desire.  Classic Menopause for many women. It has been more than a year.  Her family doctor is aware and prescribes medication. Maybe later she might get interested in sex again.  I hope so.  I don't think of my orgasm denial and service to my wife as pretend.  It's part of our marriage now.  Yes, I choose the orgasm denial and my wife benefits from it.  She also participates.  She makes me cum occasionally.  I don't like it when she does make me cum.  So, maybe it is her choice after all.  She makes me cum when I don't want to.

Thanks for sharing.  You can PM me if you want to chat more in detail





Posted : 06/09/2022 11:52 am
Posts: 158
Reputable Member
Posted by: @allabouther

You don't have to have a lot of sex to be intimate.  And intimacy is far more important than sex.  Just keep communicating.

There is so much truth in this.

Posted : 09/09/2022 5:53 pm
Posts: 299

I thought that I could build a bridge to increased intimacy with my ex-wife if I showed her my willingness to be vulnerable and by showing her that my commitment to her meant that I would be submissive to her.  I did offer submission on my part.  It did require that I expose vulnerability.  It resulted in ZERO increased intimacy.  She just was not interested in exposing any vulnerability of her own or in improving our intimacy.  She just exploited it and found a way to turn it into a completely one sided thing that actually reduced intimacy.  Once she knew I was willing to be submissive, it was like she decided that she didn’t need to try to work a relationship any more.  She could just make me do all the work.  She only became more selfish and self absorbed.  

Now that I have what I consider to be a very successful FLR with the best sex of my life, I see that the only way it happened was because the intimacy, trust, and mutual willingness to be vulnerable was established first.  That permitted an FLR to develop (as opposed to a D/s relationship that could develop on a different path) and then the off-the-hook sex rose from the FLR.

I don't equate intimacy with FLR with D/s.  It is possible to have them all at the same time, but it doesn’t have to be.  I think you can easily have a D/s relationship without having true intimacy.  But I don’t think you can have a meaningful FLR without having true intimacy first.

Posted : 10/09/2022 12:49 pm
Posts: 39
Trusted Member

The thing about menopause is difficult for most women. Above all, you really don't know how it will go on and when.

In the meantime I would see it like this:
1.) You have a wife in a stable marriage
2.) Your wife is not repelled by your kinks.
3.) She rules your marriage, is dominant.
4.) She makes an effort to meet your needs from time to time.

So far, that's a lot more than most men who want to live an FLR have! I really wouldn't call that vanilla.
Actually, you don't really miss anything to be able proudly to say: I live in a FLR.

OK, it just doesn't happen in that sexual way you'd like it to. But Your problem is more the amount of sexual content than the denieing for the others sexual needs. Many vanilla marriages have even less sexual content than your FLR and needs / kinks are undesirable and are acted out in secret. So Compared to others, you are a winner!

I would be patient if I were you and see how things develop once the menopause has settled down. Maybe it will get better, maybe not. Please keep trying to actively determine your wife's sexual interest! Even if there will be gasoline one day, it will not ignite without a spark!

In the worst case if a person no longer "functions sexually" well due to hormonal disorders, then unfortunately you have to accept that. In my opinion, drugs don't help in the long term either, because they generally cause other problems. But thats another topic.....

I'll keep my fingers crossed that things get better for both of you! Don't give up!

Posted : 19/12/2022 6:22 am
true42 reacted
Posts: 20
Eminent Member

You’ve really described my wife & my situation very closely. We’ve been married for almost 24 years. About 17 years ago, she made the decision to stop having sex with me. My sense is she’s asexual or has just lost her sex drive. I think sex after our second child was painful for her, so she just stopped it. 

I’m okay with it now. It was very tough for about the first 12 years, but in the last 5 years or so, I’ve adapted. She’s very much in control of the marriage, but in an unstated or unofficial way. There’s no contact but she’s in charge and wears the pants in almost every area. 

She manages the finances. I turned that over to her on Day 1 of our marriage and don’t regret it. She’s great with money and has built up our portfolio tremendously. We own our house outright (no mortgage), we pay cash for almost everything we buy, we saved up for a boat, and paid cash for college education so our two children have no student debt. We’re well positioned for retirement. 

That having been said, she can do whatever she likes or buy whatever she likes, but I have to get her approval in advance. I buy almost nothing for myself, she’ll typically buy what she wants me to have and just give it to me. She reviews the credit card statements every month with a fine tooth comb. I have 3 credit cards (one personal, one for general travel expenses, and one for airline tickets - I travel a lot). She doesn’t have me on an allowance but reviews everything after the fact and demands explanations for everything. So I’m on a tight leash. 

We don’t have sex obviously, and about 4 years ago, she commented on how much I was masturbating and asked if there was anything I could do to reduce it. I mentioned I’d seen men on the Internet wearing chastity devices, and she told me to get one. She doesn’t want to hold the key so I’m effectively self-locked. I try to wear it all the time but have to take it off to go through airline security and for work. Over the last few years, I’ve been limiting myself to 6 ruined orgasms in my cage per year, from either anal stimulation or a vibrator on my cage, and I always eat my cum from a bowl or plate after dribbling cum out of my cage. 

What I’ve cum to realize is that she’s very dominant and controlling but doesn’t like to acknowledge it. She doesn’t like physical intimacy but shows her love in other ways. She dotes on me and does a lot of little things so that I know I’m loved. But sex just isn’t her love language, so my sexuality has morphed to accommodate that - submitting to her in everything, being secure in knowing that my penis is extremely small and probably couldn’t please her even if we did have sex, wearing chastity as close to 24x7 as I can, fantasies only about her cuckolding me, and self-humiliation through things like this comment, feminization fantasies and wearing panties when I can, butt plugs, dildos, fantasizing about servicing well hung men, and only ruined orgasms no more than every two months in my cage, always eating my cum. 

It works for us. People say it’s abusive or that I should cheat on her, but I choose not to. I’ve been faithful to her since we got married, and I don’t want to cheat. I don’t think she’s ever cheated on me. It’s challenging but I do feel close to her. She lives in our family home, and I travel for work Tuesday through Thursday. She does a lot of small things for me to show her love. I’ve essentially tried to take a vanilla “dead bedroom” situation and make it work, since I love her and have no desire to divorce her. I know plenty of men in similar dead bedroom situations who fight it and cheat on their wives, and have no interest in that. 

Posted : 09/06/2024 11:32 am
Tiruh811 reacted