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How long locked to have a change in focus? A true deep ingrained change.

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I've read books and discussions suggesting that men need anywhere from three months, to six months, to an entire year of locked denial in order to make them change their focus from their own sexual pleasure to that of their keyholder. That is, the idea that a long initial lockup after they get accustomed to wearing a device.  Some references also instruct on starting slow and going a few days, then weeks and even sticking to that frequency.
While the answer is always "what works for you."  That's kind of a trial and error method and what if you get it wrong, repeatedly.  My wife and I have attempted a shift to FLR with chastity several times over the last 3 years but not used a long initial or subsequent lockup.  We've concluded that naturally I was not submissive and her not dominant but we aspire to be that way.  Personal growth goals for her and the content pride I get when serving her are our constant & strong reasons.

What's the survey on this one?  Do most couples ease into it and things fall into place, or is the long method a proven plan because chastity pushes both people to a point of acceptance and focus?

(we've averaged a month with many shorter and a few longer durations)

Posted : 07/09/2021 9:01 am
Posts: 60
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I can only say how it worked for us .

We talked about how we was going to improve our relationship and what would make her happy and it felt natural.


We do orgasm control but without a cage, using honor system because that is what she wants?

I absolute love taking care of her and making her happy, it gives me great joy and happiness.

Posted : 07/09/2021 9:24 am
Posts: 158
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We're on the "easing into things" route.

The main thing is that I try to make sure that there's no expectation on her at all. No pressure to lock. No pressure to unlock. No pressure to tease. No pressure to deny. No pressure for sex. No pressure.

She spent our entire marriage (until a few years ago) feeling pressure from me, or (worse) pain, so I have much to make up for. Her confidence is returning, and growing, and I am slowly becoming the husband that I feel I should have been all along.

Posted : 07/09/2021 2:27 pm
djv, J.M, djv and 3 people reacted
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Posted by: @true42

We're on the "easing into things" route.

The main thing is that I try to make sure that there's no expectation on her at all. No pressure to lock. No pressure to unlock. No pressure to tease. No pressure to deny. No pressure for sex. No pressure.

100% this.

You will feel a difference after the first 3 days, a bigger difference after the first week. The rest depends on you and how long your mind fights it. If I had to guess I'd say a month or two with her in charge but it could be shorter or much longer. Just go into it thankful that she loves and accepts you. With a grateful heart, you can do anything together!

Posted : 08/09/2021 8:12 pm
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I am familiar with the 3 days, 1 week feeling and so on.  We're are usually 1 month -plus a week for something :p, and longest was just over 2 months and there was an unintended reset.  This trouble is my mind is fighting it.  Maybe less and less, but still a 1/4 of the time and too strong to discount, work and sleep affected!  I've concluded that I'm just not submissive naturally and each hour of the day is a battle on which way I'm going.  A weekend morning where we lay in bed, it's bliss and the FLR feelings are overwhelming.  If she gives me a little threat or tease like what we see in decent captions I'm right on track.  This need for continuous reinforcement is as frustrating as being horny wearing a cage.

I'm not quite in alignment with no expectations, or pressure for what is mentioned above.  I'm not thinking negative pressure but expectations for sure.  If I have a friend and we go for drinks because that something we both want to do, then I expect them to show up.  Everyone on here will agree that substantial effort, care, attention, and devotion are usual results of chastity and a FLR.  How is this guidance for her to not worry her little heart about it so common?  How about 'no pressure' for a year or 3 on and off and no change? (well slight)

Throughout the experience it is still more positives than negatives, still 10x better than two people ignoring each other in a standard relationship, and that dull roar of wearing a cage is nuts.  If I could vent coherently to have this  conversation with her (daily) and not overwhelm her it wouldn't be on the internet so I thank you for a place to type.  Until then I'm waiting for these selfish thoughts to wear out from the fight in my head.  

Posted : 08/09/2021 10:14 pm
Posts: 47
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@lockedforlynn you are not alone.  I cannot think "only of her".   We dont think I will ever be fully submissive, rather I would revert quickly if left unlocked.  But that doesnt make me/us "bad" husbands.  The fact that you care says a lot.

Early on my wife started doubling lockups until they reached several months.  Her goal was to determine how long it took until we could have mutually rewarding sex.

To answer your question: I need 6 weeks before I begin to see sex as something that doesnt require my orgasm (yes, I have sub drop for a few days, horny hormone syndrome for 2 to 3 weeks, etc) and even then I never lose my "want" for an O, so not sure I have been to that point you are looking for.

My wife concluded that months, not weeks, between O's are needed to keep the majority of our time focused on intimite, rather than carnal, sex.

We talk almost daily and I am expected to tell her how I feel and/or what "works" but she makes the decisions.  She loves to hear me beg, hates whining, and if I am genuinely not in sub space she will frequently add some teasing or have me service her.  She cares about me and makes it fun for sure but wants me dreaming of her.

I just asked her about my "headtrip" - which I think is your "fight in my head" and asked if she wished I was over it and fully submissive.  "Gosh No" she replied, "that would take the challenge and the fun out of it".

In summary: Communicate, Relax (as in accept her will), and Enjoy (the very frustration your brain is fighting, lol)!

  • Cheers!
Posted : 09/09/2021 12:18 pm
true42, lockedforlynn, true42 and 3 people reacted