Chastity made me think he was a pervert
I grew up very relgious and he is very open minded about sex. I want sex like once a week tops and he would probably have sex every day. Your blog about feeling guilty is me to a TEE! I always feel guilty because of the way I was brought up. He presented me with a chastity cage and told me about chastity and I thought he was some kind of pervert lol. Weve gone to a marriage counselor for the last 6 months and I told her one day during our session. She didnt act surprised and said chastity came up before in other sessions. She said it comes from him not feeling sexually desired and when he is locked he feels wanted and sexually valued. I find him sexy but maybe I cant express it well. Anyway she said it is healthy and fine if we both are ok with it so she helped me accept it more. He feels valued and it isn't hard for me to tease him and accept chastity as a weird part of our life now. I recommend counseling if chastity sounds weird and a sex positive marriage and family therapist to help get through it.
Yes, therapy is an option. I believe your reaction is perfectly acceptable and not a reason to feel guilty, it is a big ask. It does not seem unreasonable to ask that you two perhaps ease into the lifestyle. For example, putting the cage away for awhile and focusing on chastity. A conversation about masturbation perhaps. If a man wants to defer his orgasms to the woman, verbal permission to orgasm might be a way to go initially also a commitment not to masturbate without permission. In your particular case, I say take him up on his offer and tell him he has to earn the cage, let him work on it for six months -- you can be specific, just think of all of the fun things you can ask for. Jen has a great recommendation on a recent post, get the Habit Share app, it is very versatile, you can put anything on there and track progress.
To paraphrase an American therapist of relationships, the incomparable Tina Turner: what's guilt go to do with it, guilt is but a second hand emotion..
It is very important to me that he gets what he needs from our relationship and I know I can't measure up to his expectation about frequency of sex. Once I got over the intial shock the cage is a good compromise and it keeps me in control. I think it helped that the counselor told me that it can be completely fine and normal even though it really does not matter what others think.
I have really gotten into the teasing aspect, it doesn't take sexual commitment on my part and I know when I tease him well because I can see it in his face. During one of our counseling sessions we talked about teasing and especially teasing him about his size. He is normal/average size but when I tell him about other larger ones that I've experience in the past it sends him over the edge. I must have a mean streak because watching his face when i give him a good tease gives me a great thrill. The counselor said that this kind of teasing can be dangerous if he is self conscious about his penis but open communication when enough is enough is good. She said that the thrill comes from the fact that he is helpless to change his penis size. He cannot buy a larger penis and he knows that other men are larger. You can buy a better car, you can work out and get bigger muscles but the penis you were given at birth is forever. The irony is teasing him about his penis being small gives him the hardest erections ever! When he is locked in the cage, it makes him quite uncomfortable. I like calling it cute and insisting on petting it in its cage when we go to bed at night. The counselor really helped. If you have reservations about anything sexual, find a sex positive therapist and talk talk talk!
I love that you are so concerned with him getting what he needs from your relationship. I think so many of my friends just want their husbands to learn to be happy with what they get rather than coming up with ways for them to be genuinely fulfilled. If chastity and teasing is the key to make him feel like he has found the marriage of his dreams, why wouldn't you put a little bit of extra effort in? If you genuinely care about him getting his needs met then he won't have a reason to seek it out elsewhere. Lock it up, click him shut and tease the night away. It works and who cares what anyone else thinks.
I LOVE this, Alina!!! My girlfriend says "Why don't I give her backrubs and foot rubs and treat her royally just because you love me?" For one thing, she's caught up in a religion that thinks that anything besides M/F penetration with the guy in charge is a perversion and I'm going to hell if I don't quit being submissive and quit asking her to lock me up. So I love what you said....if she would just take the reins, lock me up and tease me.....she would be even more of a PRINCESS than she is to me right now. If being locked, placed in light bondage and whipped, commanded to please her with my tongue, makes me happy and gives me impetus to make her my focus every single day, then where is the bad in that??? The "MACHO, ALPHA man", in my opinion is GENERALLY a selfish lover. My girlfriend has no idea how wonderful I would try to make her life....but even if she did I'm not sure she would take the opportunity out of guilt. Sad.