Dave Gets His Say

Sorry folks.  Dave pushed the button twice .LOLO

Hope you're ok.

As I said recently, we're all over the world (I'm UK) and our little group is vanishingly unlikely ever to actually come across one another (and yes, my name is Steve).

I can see where you're coming from here and sympathise. But I also see Steph's point of view as it perhaps is close to my own, namely that we have lifestyles that are not mainstream and on a site like this we can share our thoughts and experiences with like-minded and non-judgemental people, in a way we would never dare to actual friends.

You obviously have your own views: have you considered joining yourself?

@Dave, Stephanie's husband.  I am sympathetic to your desire that she not have used your names.  That's for you to decide.  Unless it was noted otherwise, or you have been "outed" by the use of your first names, you're still anonymous to everyone here or anyone that may stumble upon this site.  I hope that fact provides you some comfort.

Hi Dave

Thank you for your courage to write  ?

Stay strong and stay proud of your relationship , lovley wife and your self

I asked Stephie if I could add to what I wrote here.  She had no problem with giving me permission.  I asked her to sit with me and maybe help because she writes much better than I do.

Something I didn’t mention was what was most terrifying about that Saturday morning when I learned about her writings here.  I was hurt and felt violated and went out to the living room and started to think.  Then the worst thought of all came to me.  We were no longer a team.  I had no quarterback.  I no longer had someone to lead me and keep me pointed in the right direction. 

She has been there for me for 29 years and now I felt alone.  I still loved her but it didn’t feel the same. She had stripped me naked and shown me to everyone.  I was starting to get those feelings that I bring nothing to our relationship.  Then she came to me said she was sorry and I am the reason she is so happy with her life that she had to brag about it but she won’t do it again.  She said she loves me so much and she never meant to hurt me..  Then she kissed me and went back out so I could keep thinking.  She somehow chased away that fear of being alone.  It is as if she knew I needed her reassurance at that very moment.

Monday night when she answered my “why,”  the why did you write about our  playtime,  my pain stopped  She said she felt powerful when I would return to being me and then she told me how frightened my episodes made her.  I said they frightened me too and we just held each other.  We had never told each other we were scared before. When we held each other we were scared together and suddenly it was okay to be afraid.  Our fear reconnected us.  Playtime was always too hard for me to talk about so I deal with my fear by “hiding “from it.  Stephie dealt with it by facing it for the first time when she wrote that piece.   Maybe sometime I will be able to talk about it with her. Maybe if we do it here together it will be a way I can face it instead of hiding from it.  Maybe it was a good thing she wrote about it after all.  I love you Stephie.

@stevesub Stephie said I could answer your question about joining myself.  I don't want to join.  I see this as her safe place, somewhere she can put down her thoughts and feelings and if she needs to vent about something she isn't ready to talk to me about.  She should be able to do that without worrying I will read it before she is ready.  I hope she will share most of her posts with me.  It seems that are some important things we still don't know about each other like what scares us.  I will only visit this site by her invitation or her permission if I need to say something myself.  

As Stephie read over my shoulder she seemed a little surprised by my answer but then she smiled and gave me a big kiss and said, "Thank you."

Just as your playtime has been therapeutic for you as a couple, rather than being maladaptive, so too posting here may offer additional benefits, now that you have an understanding between you about it. 

Some couples share an account/profile after one of them finds such a site.  For other couples, they each create an account.  Your arrangement of it being Stephanie's and Dave reading from time to time, or possibly again posting here in this 'Dave's Say' thread works for you.

One of Dave's comments in this thread resonated particularly with me:  "She had stripped me naked and shown me to everyone."  In loving and in allowing ourselves to be loved, we are vulnerable.  My wife has confided to friends of hers and one or two of her sisters about aspects of our intimacy that left me feeling exposed and naked when I learned of it.  Occasionally, she's made comments to friends with me present that exposed details I'd hidden from others for much of my life.  However, in the end, it drew us closer and made the authenticity of our FLR more clear.  In those situations, I could see that we weren't just playing at it, but living it.  I trusted her not to hurt me, and she's shown me that being afraid of the truth is not healthy.

Dave,

Steph's posts really resonated with me more than most..  In this crazy cyber world of fantasy stories and one-upmanship, it is wonderful to hear of such a supportive relationship you two have, that just so happens to involve some kink and FLR.  I appreciate how offsides the Playtime post must feel, but consider that every great quarterback needs a sounding board or advice.  

I still feel it was an example of loving/caring and a sign that your relationship together is strong and wonderful.  Please know that this group, especially, is rooting for both of you and happy to help or just listen.  Besides, Steph paints you as a very amazing man.  I"ve learned that I have some work to do at home!

@headtrip Stephie called me in to look at your reply and said I could answer or not.  It was up to me.  In hind sight it was good that she did what she did.  Yes I felt exposed but if it hadn't happened we never would have known that we were both so frightened by my sudden feelings when they happen.  It let us actually talk about it a little and it is less scary now.  

First thank you for your kind comments.

Stephie has made me everything she thinks I am.  30 years ago I was a gangly geek who couldn't even talk to a girl.  My nick name in high school was The Orangutan and I hated it.  Today I am still gangly but it doesn't bother me any more and most of the time I feel very good about myself.  It is all because of Stephie.  

Stephie told me she wanted me to write about my high school name.  She said I opened the box and now I needed to empty it.  She told me she can tell I still resent what happened in high school and I am not really over it.  She said I will feel better if I let it all out.  She is suddenly pushing me out of my comfort zone when it comes to telling the world my secrets.  In that gentle but firm way she has she really didn’t give me a choice.

I guess I opened a can of worms when I mentioned that they called me the Orangutan in high school.  I don’t even know why I said it.  I had never even told Stephie about it.  She knew I was bullied and I hated high school.  She had tried to get me to go to my 25th reunion 1n 2010.  She said she would “dress to impress” and I could lord her over my classmates and we could make a weekend of it.  When the gentle nudging and pushing didn’t work she played the FLR card to get me to go but she saw my discomfort change to near terror and she backed off.  She has only ever invoked the FLR card twice in all the years we have been married.

When she saw the orangutan thing she wanted to know everything.  It started my sophomore year in Phys ed class.  We had to climb the rope.  Now you need to know I am 6’ tall but my proportions are terrible.  My pants are 28” waist and 36” inseam and should be 38” but I can’t get that size.  My shirt sleeve is 38” but is still actually a touch short.  My torso is probably smaller than Stephie’s.   I struggled to get up the rope.  The gym teacher yelled at me that an orangutan like me should be the fastest one up the rope.  When I came down I asked Mr. Mander why he called me an orangutan (big mistake) and he said, “Look at your arms and legs.  The only thing missing is the tail.” Every guy in the class laughed.   By the end of the day it was all over the school.  The next morning there was a nylon stocking glued to my locker and they had written in magic marker, “Here is your tail orangatang.”  (They didn’t even spell it right.)  It was all I could do to go to my classes that day.  Now I was not only the science and math geek, I was the laughing stock of the school for the next 3 years.  When I told Stephie this she smiled and said, “I love your long arms.  They are just right for holding me.”  I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  Then she said that before she met me she could have been one of those bullies.  She told me that night when she gave me back my umbrella and we talked over coffee I turned her into a better person.

This is weird.  Stephie was right.  After writing this down, sort of making it an open book, the sting is gone.  My life is not about how I look.  Stephie loves me, the man she molded from a nothing ball of clay. I have a very successful career and beautiful home, and we created two fantastic children.  That is who I am.

Also weird, I felt safe writing this.  It was easier to write this than when I told it directly to Stephie.  And may I add, if anyone here remembers the orangutan from high school you can just bite me because my wife is more beautiful and smarter and better in every way than your wife.

Sorry for the outburst but I suddenly feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Thank you Stephie.  This is why I love you.

Stephanie here.  I have been sitting here caressing his back while he wrote and I am so proud of him.  He is learning to deal with his darkest fears.  Those bullies have been living in his head for thirty years and now they are out on the street.  I had forgotten about trying to force him to go to his twenty-fifth reunion till just now.  I am so glad I backed off.  Back then, I gave him good reasons to go but he couldn’t even tell me why he couldn’t go.  If orangutan had come up at the reunion he wouldn’t have been able to handle it back then.  He has always been more self-conscious about his body than most girls are. 

Posted by: @steph

Sorry for the outburst but I suddenly feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Dave, perhaps you should get your very own moniker here.  Become a member.  I think it would make these posts less confusing.

@subhubphx Dave is learning the value of saying what he needs to by writing and putting it out there.  I think it is time for me to gently urge him to join this site.  Give him a little time.  I don't want to play the FLR card for this.  I just want him to do it on his own.  

I thought we had good communication before but since joining this site we have talked about things that were taboo before.  

Posted by: @steph

@subhubphx Dave is learning the value of saying what he needs to by writing and putting it out there.  I think it is time for me to gently urge him to join this site.  Give him a little time.  I don't want to play the FLR card for this.  I just want him to do it on his own.  

I thought we had good communication before but since joining this site we have talked about things that were taboo before.  

I understand @steph.  "Playing the FLR card" is an inherent right for you steph.  In my marriage, playing the flr card was something my Ms. K. was hesitant to do as well.  Since she becaome comfortable knowing that I yearn for her to not feel bad for being selfish, ever, our communication and lifestyle adventures have taken off.

@subhubphx For me the FLR card is always a last resort.  I want Dave to do things because he wants to.  I can get him to do most things that are uncomfortable for him by gentle persuasion.  A little nudge here and push there and he soon is a willing participant with fewer fears and the odds he will like it increases dramatically.  Such was the case with the early play spankings and the pegging and some occasional games we tried.

As Dave said, I only ever had to resort to the FLR card and tell him we would do something period two times in our twenty nine years.  If I am just a little patient I always end up with what I want and Dave is doing it out of love and not obligation.