Dave Gets His Say

I am Dave, Stephie’s husband.  Stephie apologized as soon as I let her and I forgave her but she knew I was still hurting a little and feeling violated.  She didn’t press me about it.

Last night after supper while we were cleaning up the kitchen, I said one word to her, “Why?”  She understood.  She said she didn’t know but she knew as soon as I started to look at the playtime post I would be hurt.  She said we had just had a session that Saturday and she gets a feeling of power especially when we move to the cot and it is so powerful when I return to being myself.  Then her eyes filled with tears, Stephie never cries, and she added that when I get these episodes she gets so frightened.  I looked at her and said I get scared too.  We just held each other for a long time without a word.  After several minutes we broke and I asked her why she didn’t let me help her write our story.  She said it was just going to be one post to tell people what she thought FLR was about.  Then she got carried away and wanted to tell everyone how wonderful her life, our life, is using FLR as a lead instead of domination.   She said she never thought about me joining her. She said she was selfish and she is sorry.  As She told me this I thought about how wonderful our life is and it is all because of her.  She is the one who does the emotional work and makes it happen.  All I could say was, “after all these years you have a right to be selfish.”  She threw her arms around my neck and kissed me.  Last night we were intimate again.  I gave her an oral orgasm.  She took off my cage and my penis sprang to life but she didn’t let me orgasm.  She just pulled me tight against her.  We snuggled and then she fell asleep in my arms.  It felt so good to be back where we belong.

Tonight, as soon as I got home, she asked me to sit with her and to look at the site.  She said she wanted me to read some of Emma’s blogs and look at some of the posts so I could see that it was about fostering stronger, more loving relationships.  I read the blogs and I had to agree.  Most of the posts I read were rereads of Stephie’s.  I realized they were a love story and she was so proud because she knew she was the reason.

I asked Stephie if I could write and post my thoughts.  She said to write whatever I needed to.  She made a topic for me and told me type whatever I had to.  That must have taken some courage and trust because she had no idea what I was going to write.  That is how I came to be writing all this.   

I wish the story about Playtime was not there.  It is so personal and knowing you all know about that part of me is a little like a knife in my belly but it is done and I have to accept it.  These episodes as she calls them have been happening since a couple years after the twins were born and may have something to do with how wonderful she has made our life.  I know when they happen I realize how beautiful she is and smart and she gave me two magnificent children and she is the one that does everything to make our world work and all I contribute is a paycheck.  When these episodes occur I feel like I am nothing.  I told her this when one of the first times happened and she tried to tell me I was the wonderful one and it just made it worse because she was saying my feelings were wrong.  She couldn’t accept my feelings.   From then on I just told her it was stress from my job and I would work through the feelings over a few days to a week or so.  About 10 or so years ago we got into play spanking and then one day it just happened and it was so cathartic.  When I go into that state I suddenly feel like I have totally surrendered to her.  I am her toy she can use to take out all the frustration she must have for being the only one contributing to our life.  When she brings me out of it I feel like I have given her something back.

I wish she hadn’t used our names but that is water under the dam now.  I guess Emma and Kev and a few others use their names and are proud to so maybe it isn’t so bad.

Back to the point, as I was reading her posts this second time it became apparent that sharing her Love story with people who would understand was very important to her.  She is so proud of what we have evolved into and proud of herself for taking us there.  I still wish she had included me on this venture but I understand.  I tell her I love her every day but I don’t tell her how important she is.  I don’t tell her she is why these have been 29 beautiful years nearly often enough.  This is HER place, her way to feel good about everything she does.  I want her to come back here to this, her place, and tell our story.  I would like to ask for two ground rules.  When she writes something I would like her to tell me the next day or so and invite me to read it with her..  That way I can share her joy.  When she needs to write about things that are scary I want her to let me help her so we can share the fear.

She has been sitting behind me this whole time caressing my back and shoulders.  She has not tried to tell me anything to write or questioned any of my thoughts.  She is amazing.  Stephie, I am sorry I over reacted but I think you understand how hurt or maybe how scared I was to see that out there for all to see. You have been so patient with me these couple of days.  I love you and I need you to be my quarterback again.