Had a talk
Me and my husband had a talk and I am more confused about what he wants than when we started. I ask him for specific exact ideas of what he wants because he just expects me to be this porno fantasy female dominatrix and I don't even know. If you hear frustration in my voice it is because I am frustrated. Here is some things he said but then he said that he doesn't want me to do exactly what he said that I need to change it up too. That makes it even more confusing. I want to be the best sexual partner I can be what he needs is important but I don't know where to even start. He sent me this site and said that you can help me so here is my asking for help.
Make fun of his dick, when we are laying in bed or cuddling. Poke it and call it names like little guy or tiny micropenis or dinky.
When he asks for sex and I dont want it then say that I don't want sex is because his dick is too small.
When we have sex make jokes about it being in or not.
He wants me to peg him which we have done once and oh hell no my ab muscles are not in shape for that. I do enjoy the noises he made and I see how the feeling of being in charge can be addicting.
He wants me to tease him in the day about pegging him at night. Say things like I'm going to fuck that tight ass tonight, i hope you are ready. Not really my way but ok I can try it.
He wants me to talk dirty to him when pegging and call him a little slut or a bitch and be aggressive with him. I don't want this for me so I don't see me wanting to do this to him but ok whatever right i can try this too.
He made a sheet for me to manage his orgasms and have permission for every time he is allowed to cum. He does have a masturbation problem and sometimes doesn't want sex when I do because he just masturbated. That makes me resentful because he is choosing his hand over me and doesnt make anyone feel good. This one I can see helping us and he did the work for the sheet so ok.
He wants me to lock his dick up in a cage and unlock it whenever I want. I know this is common on your site but not my jam.
He said that he would be interested in me flirting with other guys and even maybe take it further if I am interested in the guy and feeling his vibe.
We are great dont take this like I am upset with him I do want him to share and let me know his fantasies but he asked for my fantasies and I don't have anything like that. Mine seem boring in comparison I was talking different sex positions and he is talking locking his dick up in a cage. This all seems like so much work and straight off made me wonder if he should have just married this girl instead of me if he is so unfulfilled with sex but I know that is just me being reactionary and emotional. He went on for like ten minutes about things he wishes I would do and I legit do none of these things today so it all just seems like he wants me to learn a foreign language just so I can communicate sexually with him so it made me frustrated and here I am.
What is this all coming from? Why does he want all of this?
I would check his search history. Not all of this is representave of a porn addiction, but his requests seem extreme compared to what you have been doing previously. You do not need to do anything that you are not comfortable with just to please him. Your mind and body are your own.
Many folks on this site enjoy these activities, but do not do so through coersion or adolescent demands. You may want to have a straight conversation and state your concerns and set some boundaries. Sexual exploration is fun, but is best experienced organically and through love & mutual desire. Good luck!
The first thing to ponder is this: He is desperate. That is clear.
I'd suggest that the worst thing that you can do is to do nothing. He has quite literally exposed himself to you, even inappropriately so. Now you get to decide how to respond. Not responding is a choice, but it could be very destructive to your marriage.
He's also giving you a lot of control. That must feel weird, especially the way that he has approached it. He dumped it on you.
But you can flip this around on its head. Sit him down at a table. (Not you; just him.) Give him a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and exactly one very direct question. Tell him he is not to speak until after you are done reading his answers, and only when you are satisfied with his answers.
For example, pick a question that is raised in your mind by what he dumped on you, but make sure you ask it in a way that makes him squirm a little and makes him focus on your considerations, such as "It would be a lot of work to manage your orgasms. If I am even going to consider doing that work, what are the benefits for me?" Tell him he is to write a complete answer to that question, and to bring it to you to review.
Then go sit down and relax and wait. At this point, you're putting him through a big test (it will both excite him and terrify him), but he'll probably be so tripped out that he won't be able to say no. After he brings you his answer, read through it without showing any sign of approval or disapproval; carefully hide your feelings at this point, because it's 99% likely that he's going to write lots of weird things that will disturb you even more. Do NOT react; you need to stay in calm control of this process. Also, don't let him add things or interrupt while you are reading; his answers should be in writing. His answers belong to you; make sure to fold the paper and put it into your pocket when you are satisfied with the answers.
You are peeling an onion (him), and he obviously has hidden a great deal from you, and now he desperately wants to help you peel the onion. As long as he is following your instructions to answer truthfully and completely, just keep peeling. Assign him one question at a time. If he doesn't write neatly, tell him to rewrite it more neatly. If it's too short an answer, tell him it's too short. If you even think that he's hiding something from you, or not following your instructions, you can simply stop playing the game until he is willing to play by your rules. And your rules should be that he follows your every instruction completely and honestly and respectfully until you have thoroughly explored the recesses of his mind.
Don't bite off too much. On the first day, even a few questions may be too much for either one of you to deal with. (It'll probably be harder on you, because he's going to be dumping a lifetime of shit and probably-porn-fueled fantasies onto you.) But you really do need to start to figure out what's going on in his mind, and right now, he's giving you an open door to do so, and that door may close hard (and ugly) if you don't explore it carefully. Try to withhold your judgment for his naughtiness / sick mind / kinky desires; you'll have plenty of time later to tease him with that information, which it sounds like is one of the things that will make him even crazier over you.
Lastly, and this one will be VERY hard for you, but: Try to have some actual fun in this process. If you can find a way to enjoy this even a tiny little bit, it will drive him even more insane for you (in a good way). He's desperate for your attention and your approval, and while his kinks may sound scary and sick to you, they're actually pretty tame as far as kinks go, so count yourself super lucky that you don't have a truly weird husband (even if you think that he's way far out there). At this point, he's just a sad and scared little boy. It's ok that he knows that you know that.
And no matter what approach you take with him, do come back and tell us how things progress.
Welcome. We are glad you found this page.
Maybe start with locking him in a cage until you figure out what you want to do with his information dump. Start with one that has multiple base rings for easy first time sizing. Unless it is causing harm, keep him locked until you are ready for him. I see many stories on here of the amazing changes that occur when the man is locked.
As with above, make sure that you are comfortable with what you want to do. Don't force yourself into something you are not comfortable with.
Look on Amazon and order a book called "Uniquely Rika" read it, and reas it again,. It will put all this into a manageable situation for you, and will make ot not a burden on you. The other advice above is great too. Chastity, female led, femdim, what ever term you fit into, should not result in MORE work for you. It may take some work at first & a lot of trial & error, but eventually your goal is to make your daily life & your sex life better & easier for you. There is no right or wrong, only what works for you. Bravo for hearing him, and willingness to try things that may not be a turn on for you, but certainly for him.
I feel this one. My husband sprung something on me and I am still trying to understand. I think I've come to terms that I am not doing something wrong and he actually wants to explore with me. I am interested in the masturbation orgasm sheet because I know all of his latest fantasies are coming from porn (I seen his search history). Would you send that sheet? Even though I don't feel like it is my job to rule over his sex life im smart enough to know that his sex life is ruling our relationship right now when left to his own devices. I also like true 42 idea about the paper. You are all so helpful and caring. Is this the same internet as the rest of the world? lol
@renata I was hesitant to respond and thought it would be better for the woman on the forum to chime in first, but in their absence I will give my two cents. I spent a ton of time researching the do's and don'ts of having the talk and I still failed initially. From your description, it sounds like your husband bombed hard, but I give you a gold star for not running from this and posting on the forum. It says a lot about the type of partner you are. This site is great, but also keep in mind Emma sought out FLR components and introduced them to her relationship over time. The most common scenario is what your husband did by dumping this on you all at once, which is one of the worst ways. As mentioned above the Uniquely Rika book is a good read and I would also recommend "Chastity: A guide for Vanilla wives" to help peel back what is going on his his head. He likely doesn't really know what he wants, and in the beginning I really didn't know what I wanted either. Kudos for your ability to communicate in your relationship as that is the foundation. It sounds like your husband wants an FLR or at least aspects of it. There is no recipe for this, no right way, or only way. This all may sound like a lot of work, but it is really the opposite for the woman. You are not his kink dispenser.
Just like all relationships are different, all FLR's are different and how couples execute them is a big spectrum. The basic consensual agreement between you two is that you set the rules and your husband obeys. He gets what he gets and he doesn't get upset LOL. My wife and I are pretty vanilla, but I guess that is relative. My wife felt Emma's site was too manipulative and selfish, and not what she wanted. I sure did though. For us, my wife takes the lead at home and in the bedroom only. My wife doesn't like to touch or really see the cage. While she doesn't like it, she sees the help it provides in semen retention and that is where she sees the positive changes in me and our relationship. She does like grinding up against it during hugs to get me flustered which happens multiple times a day. I put it on in the morning. I take it off at night before bed. Her rule is that I am naked for her at night, even when she is bundled up in bed like an Eskimo. She initiates sex whenever she wants, which is usually a couple times a week and I practice Karezza which is basicly me edging myself over and over through intercourse and mixing in oral in varied positions to keep from passing the point of no return. She is changing too. She has gone from one and done to, "OK, one more orgasm for me, no why don't you make it another two for me" I think our current orgasm ratio is about 20 to 1 (in her favor). She initially thought the cage would inhibit sex, but it does the opposite. The retention periods are getting longer and longer and I am frustratingly enjoying it. I couldn't be happier with our relationship. My recommendation is that you start with one thing and see how it goes. I would start with chastity since it can be a pretty low effort on the part of the keyholder, and will have a big effect on him. How hard is it to hold onto a key? Heck, you can make it no effort and have him lock your key in a time lock box, have him go in another room to unlock and lock himself. For tease and denial, he can even edge himself at your command. You can just sit back and watch how it affects him and your relationship in a positive way. Cuckolding is not for us, but I have heard how this can really enhance a couples relationship, but I would not recommend you start here. SPH is not a fit for us either. We do joke about "big dick energy" and now that she owns my dick she has the big dick energy. We all do this differently.
Hey, if your abs get sore from pegging, have him do all the work while you lay on your back.
As long as this is consensual and you agree on the boundaries of control in advance, have fun with it. You are the boss now, you make the rules.