He says we are incompatible?
It pains me to say that I think my husband I are not physically compatible any longer. It hurts just to say that but he and I are not on the same page sexually. I am about 165cm so I am smaller but not tiny. He is endowed but not overly so at around 14 or 15 cm. In the beginning we were very compatible but he always desired sex more than I. We would have sex perhaps two times a week and over the last 14 years we are always at about on to two times a week. I normally stop sex when I am done, even with lube I become sore after a short while and it goes from feeling pleasurable to repetitive and almost sandpaper feeling. The option is to stop and re lube or simply end it and toward the beginning I would stop and relube but now I prefer to simply end it.
After we stop with our play we lay beside each other and masturbate until we both finish. It is a toss up of who finishes more quickly but usually I do. A few days ago I finished first and he was still working himself. Sometimes I will talk dirty to him and touch his body to help him speed his things up and I rubbed his chest and told him he is sexy. He told me to keep talking dirty. I laughed and told him that I don't even know what to say. He told me to tell him that he isn't good enough. I made him stop right then and there and we had a conversation. Turns out he says that our sex makes him feel like he isn't good enough and he wants to see me satisfied. He told me that I deserve to be sexually satisfied and pointed me to this website. I didn't want to hear it but today I decided to look at this website and I'll admit that it isn't what I was expecting.
My husband and I are very close emotionally and we get closer on the daily. I agree that we are not close sexually but I don't have eyes for others. I am fine with the way our sex is but he said clearly that is not. His comment about not good enough rattled me to the bone because the last thing I want is for him to think he is not good enough. He is smart and handsome and all of our other needs are met even though we may sometimes struggle sexually. His suggestion is for me to take a lover because he too does not want to break up. I don't have eyes for others and I've never been the one night stand girl so I need at least some emotional connection there. I am not even really thinking of going through with it but I am just playing it through in my head.
If I go through with it, doesn't that even prove to him that he is not good enough?
If I don't go through with it, how do we improve his view of our sex life? Sex therapist or marriage therapist?
I can't give much advice on whether you should see someone else, beyond the fact that your doubts about the subject would suggest its not going to be the solution at this point.
I have always had a much higher sex drive than my Wife, She has never been that bothered by sex and whilst we had sex everyday, She saw it at doing it to satisfy me. Meanwhile my main aim was to try and give her satisfaction, which I attempted to do in a variety of ways which She usually wasn't interested in (and as sexual pleasure is mostly in the mind, it doesn't work if you're not interested). Since putting Her in charge of our sex life (and a bit more), both of us have a far more enjoyable sex life. Rather than 'going through the motions' on a daily basis we have less sex, but its far more varied and significantly more arousing. I get huge satisfaction from pleasuring Her, and as She is deciding what we do, I know She really is enjoying it (as opposed to previously when She would sometimes say She was enjoying it to make me feel happy). Also, I have bought her some toys (something she's never been fussed about) which means She can get herself off (or I can get her off) without giving me pleasure. This may be something that could serve as an alternative to another man for you.
There's no guarantee it will work, but based on the fact your husband has pointed you to this site, it would suggest he want's you to take control. How much and in what way will be something to discuss with him, but don't try and dive in with everything all at once - when I put my Wife in charge, She was very hesitant and reluctant, but now she loves the power and enjoys that I do things round the house. There are many things we now do, which when first mentioned was something She said she had no interest in, that we now enjoy.
I can say nothing but great things about this site. It is a great community of people with many different views and interests. One thing we may all have in common is that we don't limit ourselves to the mainstream points of view when it comes to relationshops, sex and intimacy. This is a really good place to read, explore, post questions and get some helpful advice without being judged.
With regard to your situation, it may be good to seek some outside counciling, especially if things are such that it is threatening a good marriage. You may want to try an individual councilor first if your husband is not receptive to that kind of thing at first. Marriage counciling is great also. It has really helped Goddess and I. Some marriage councilors have experience in sex counciling, do some research and check their credentials. If your marriage is worth saving, and I suspect it is, leave no stone unturned. Don't go it alone and seek help from a professional you can trust. We're here also if we can help. Many of us have had to repair a relationship that was broken.
Good luck Daedra! Please share if you are up to it.
If I don't go through with it, how do we improve his view of our sex life? Sex therapist or marriage therapist?
I am not a doctor and I don't even play one on TV, but I have an educated guess as to what may be happening between you and your husband. Try this on for size and see if it fits. Whether it does, or it doesn't, I think a marriage counselor could really help.
You used to happily engage in sexual activity with a greater frequency. You wanted to please your husband who had a higher sex drive than you, and it was easier to do because you were young and in love. Now, as you have aged, your sex drive is waning and because your lives together are more routine it is harder to find the energy to maintain a higher sexual frequency than you naturally need just to satisfy his higher sex drive.
From your husband's perspective, even when sex was more frequent, he would have been happy with more. He thinks the old frequency, which was acceptable to him, is the "normal" frequency for you. He is just as horny as ever and his sex drive is not waning at all. He can't help but notice that your frequency has dropped and you, by objective standards, are less interested in sex with him.
He loves you sincerely and he wants you to be happy in all aspects of your life with him. He knows he would be happier with more sex and simply concludes that you would like more sex too. He is desperately trying to find a solution to the following problems:
1) How can he get more sexual intimacy? He has no desire to seek sexual release from anyone other than the woman he loves.
2) How can he make sure you get what you want and stay satisfied in your relationship with him?
Answer: He has recognized that the problem is his inadequacy. If he were more adequate, you would obviously still have sex as frequently and as enthusiastically as you did when you were first married. If you would just tell him about your unsatisfied needs and his inadequacies, he would have confirmation that you still like sex and feel you can have a relationship with him at some level. Such conversations would be a kind of intimacy with you that he is not feeling now. Telling you that you can take on another lover would provide you the sexual pleasure he thinks you are missing. It would show you that he truly loves you and is capable of compersion. It will assure you that he would never stray. And just MAYBE you will realize that he is worthy of your love and this might rekindle your sexual desire for him. If nothing else, because he does love you, at least he would get the pleasure of knowing you are being pleased and you would still have an intimate relationship with him.
I'd guess that your husband doesn't really want to think of himself as inadequate. But he is so desperate for increased intimacy with you that he will accept it in the form of you sexually humiliating him and by taking on other lovers. I bet he doesn't want to go to this place. It is just that in his mind it is the only way he can reconcile his need for more sexual intimacy with his perception that you want and need more sexual intimacy yourself and still be consistent with his rock-solid commitments to be faithful to you and do whatever he can to make you happy.
Marriage is a commitment that includes being there for one another. If the guess I have offered here rings true, and you are both committed to being the best possible partners you can be for each other, I think a marriage counselor will be able to help him see that the physical changes that are happening to you are not in any way due to some inadequacy on his part. The counselor may also be able to help you understand that the physical changes that are happening to you, while natural and normal for you, are not necessarily happening to him and that your husband's desire for more intimacy is natural and a reflection of his love and desire for you. The counselor should be able to help you communicate more openly and honestly so that you understand each other better and become less likely to hurt each other's feelings. Once you are committed to hearing and responding to each other's needs, because you both truly love one another, I bet you find a way to satisfy all your needs and challenges.
If my guess is wrong, I hope I didn't offend anybody. I am just trying to offer a possible answer to your question. You two are the only ones who can figure out the real answer.
I feel therapy is very beneficial (@mrs-j-k). Marriage counseling is great, but if he isn't interested at this time I'd encourage individual therapy. Therapy gives you skills for self care and healthy relationships. No shame in therapy.
Psychology Today has a good search function. Take some time to learn what the different specialties are and how to address what you are feeling. Also note that you may not find the right fit for a therapist on your first go. Sometimes therapists offer short Greetings sessions to see if you feel comfortable with them.
While working through my relationship, I got opinions from several therapists who recommended marriage counseling. In my opinion, my individually therapy has greatly accelerated the progress of our marriage counseling because I'm able to work through my own issues and focus on our relationship in counseling.
It sounds like he has insecurities. I recently read "She Comes First" (focus on female pleasure before the male pleasure) and "Becoming Cliterate" (refocusing on female pleasure, not just PIV). There are resources like OMGyes, which focus on women's pleasure from science (with videos and everything). Focus on you and what feels good for you.
I'll encourage you to stick to your guns and not do things you are not comfortable with (taking another lover). Maybe you'll get there some day, but wait until you want to do it.
Lastly, while it is not actual therapy, I like to watch Cinema Therapy on Youtube. They have 30 minute episodes breaking down characters or events in movies. It is nice because you can analyze it without having to personally confront your own problems. In real therapy you work to build and learn.
That post by @AllAboutHer is one of the most thoughtful and insightful things I've read on this topic. Kudos.
I love the above answers and would only add that you would be surprised how many guys get excited from being humiliated, controlled or cucked. There may be nothing "wrong" with your sex life but he may simply be hinting at a deep well of sexual fantasies that he is longing to explore. From what I see on this and other websites, us men are pretty clueless about what drives this and even worse at presenting it to the woman we love.
I would suggest that, before even therapy, discuss a bit more from a playful perspective. Read a few of the things here and think if you might be able to find the fun in being more controlling. If so then ask him: "Would humiliating you turn you on?", "Do you want me to be more controlling?". Share with him how that might make a fantasy light up in you "I want to lay here while you do XXXXX this to me..." (or whatever).
Personally, I would put some limits in place on how far that can go, especially at first, because if he is like me and many men, once you open those floodgates he might be in a hurry to try things he isn't ready for yet. You too, of course. Above all, though, if this starts to work you have to find things that YOU like. If he wants a fantasy world give it to him, just make it YOUR fantasy world.
If at any point this seems deeper than some sexual fantasies of his, run (don't walk) to the therapist as mentioned above. My point is just that, if it is, you may find a way for both of you to have a lot of fun with it, which is what brings many of us here.
Daedra, you think you're not compatible, but you are! Here's how I know this to be true: Because you are willing to communicate with your husband, and he with you. That is worth more than all the counseling in the world. What a wonderful beginning!
Now you need to start pulling his ideas out of him, of what excites him and why. I sense you may have many fun conversations and games ahead of you, if you choose to.