Hi everyone, I'm so happy to have come across this forum, Emma's articles are delightful and informative alike.
I'm a 30-something crossdresser who was finally able to come to terms with his crossdressing and submissive tendencies after discovering chastity and orgasm control. When in chastity and denied orgasm, one cannot run from oneself, so i finally gave in and decided to integrate my crossdressing tendencies after being fitted with a custom made steel device. Totally adore women and having been raised in a feminine family, I find female leadership to be natural and a joy to submit to, although i don't have a keyholder at the moment.
Hello, looks like not many introductions yet LOL.
But I am obedient so here I am.
I am a transgendered woman and I live as a woman 24/7 with the exceptions of when I need to leave the house (especially for business) or when meeting family members when I tone it down. Toning it down is just wearing jean (women's) flat shoes that can go either way and either a male sweater over a blouse or some other compromise, also of course usually no makeup or sometimes applied very lightly. Just easier that way.
I will not have SRS as it isn't necessary in my case.
Age, having a totally accepting spouse adult children etc and contentment at being accepted as I am.
There, I am introduced, off to the forums now!
Dear Herwife and Dianna,
Thank you for introducing yourselves and welcome to both of you. I am sure that I speak for many here when I say that we look forward to hearing more about each of you and to your participation in the various conversations.
I love Emma's site and am very happy to have found it. I am a married middle-aged man and want to explore my submissive side more with my wife but only insofar as I respect her needs and preferences - she also tends to the submissive side and is not really interested in being dominant in most contexts. We have been together 20 years and our marriage is perfect except for this one area.
I am here to see if I can learn things that I can do to change things in ways that suit us both.
she also tends to the submissive side and is not really interested in being dominant in most contexts. We have been together 20 years and our marriage is perfect except for this one area.
Perhaps she is wired to be submissive. Perhaps she is simply lacking the the confidence to be dominant. Dominance isn't a trait that we are taught so it must be learned. Pushing her into something that she isn't prepared for will make her disinterested or resentful. Just be supportive and informative, if she chooses to role play with dominance she might enjoy it. If not, support her in whatever traits make her feel most sexually empowered.
@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j Thank you. Since last week the communication has continued and my wife has opened up more. Rather than being dominant or submissive she is asexual and doesn't really get the concept of being dominant or submissive. This is a tough situation for both of us. She has said that she gets no pleasure from sex but is happy to make me happy. However I don't know if I can enjoy sex the same way if I know she is only doing it for my benefit, much as I appreciate that.
Knowing she doesn't desire me in the way I do her is tough to take but I certainly don't want to push her into anything she doesn't want to do. I am not sure where we go from here but the important thing is that we still totally love each other and we will find a way. We are talking and we both want each other to be happy.
That is an interesting wrinkle that I don't think we've explored here. I have a friend who identifies as asexual however she is happily married. For the benefit of everyone else (I am sure this isn't news to you) I'd like to explain what I know about asexuality. I said that my friend is married, and she does love her husband. Many people equate sex to love and that is an unfair association. You can love someone without sexualizing them just as you can sexualize someone without loving them. It is also unfair to say that an asexual person cannot be sensual or desire sensuality. Asexual people often find significant fulfillment in the romantic side of the relationship.
Some asexual people do not masturbate but most do. When asexual people masturbate, they do it as a type of physical release and it feels good. When asexuals get down and dirty, sex can range from making them nauseous/disgusted or a boring indifference. My friend has an element of compersion in her marriage where she has learned to focus on the pleasure that her husband is experiencing and focus on closeness rather than trying to derive pleasure from sexuality.
Would she be interested in writing a blog about asexuality? I've been pestering my friend and she seems uninterested. The above is from a blog that I started about asexuality but I don't have enough info or first hand experiences about it to have anything more compelling to say.
Oh sorry, one more thing. She IS into BDSM and gets some pleasure from being tied up. She has only recently started learning about receiving physical and emotional stimulation from touch, sensation and power dynamics. Have you and your wife tried pegging? My friends are just starting to experiment with pegging play that focuses around the power dynamic. A couple sessions since we last spoke and they both seem to enjoy it.
@evolvingyourman_ivcr4j Hi Emma, I think what you have written about above is a very good look at asexuality. I have no doubt whatsoever about my wife's love for me but sex is a matter of indifference for her, bordering on actually unpleasant. As I mentioned in another post, she has now acknowledged to herself as much as me, that she has never enjoyed PIV but only done it because she felt it was expected of her.
We did try pegging once, during one of our earlier attempts to kick start our sex life but she did not enjoy it. She felt ridiculous and too self conscious to enjoy it. However, she did say then that she would be willing to penetrate me with a toy so I will revisit that.
Now that I understand her a bit better I think I need to focus on that compersion you refer to. Any pleasure she derives from sex, in whatever form we have it, will derive from emotional closeness and enjoying my pleasure. Therefore I will need to focus on showing my enjoyment and being open emotionally - things that have not been easy for me. In the past I unknowingly sabotaged our efforts at sex because, feeling that she wasn't in to it, I couldn't let go and enjoy it myself - which I now realise meant that she could not enjoy my pleasure. I internalized this, feeling that it was my lack of ability to be a good enough lover for her, or I wasn't attractive enough, that was ruining our sex life.
The irony is that, had I been the type of man I was beating myself up for not being, all I would have succeeded in doing was taking my pleasure at her expense. I might have destroyed our marriage!
I don't think she will be interested in writing a blog, as she is a deeply private person, but if she is I will let you know. I have found this site very cathartic, though. If I hadn't experimented with restricting my masturbation I might never have opened up enough for us to get where we are. I am grateful for that. I am now trying to make clear to her that I don't want to pressure her into doing anything she doesn't want to do and to make sure I never make her feel guilty or ashamed for being who she is.
Before meeting my wife I had very little romantic or sexual experience. She is the only long-term partner I have ever had. I do feel a bit sad that I will probably go through my life without ever experiencing what it is like to be lusted after but we love each other utterly and I wouldn't change that for anything. Ultimately I want her to be happy. We speak a lot on this site as men about how important it is for us to learn to gain pleasure from pleasing our partners, to focus on satisfying their needs and desires. I think for me, part of that will be learning that I can make her happy by allowing her to make me happy, within her boundaries.
If anyone has made it to the end of this, I salute you! Thank you Emma for creating this site and thanks to everyone for your comments and insights.
I have just registered after doing a bit of reading on the site here. I have to say that I am impressed by the articles. I don't know what to say. I have felt a lot of the things described by Emma to be very true, but I feel the whole society is somehow organised contradicting this truth... hope this makes sense:)?
I am currently in the last phase of a long-ish relationship. We have kind of drifted apart over the last few years. I feel that her desire for me has kind of died down and could not understand why.... but when I read through some of the blog entries here, it all started to make sense. I feel that there is an emotional disconnect between her and me. Partly, it's due to some of my habits and I could definitely recognise myself in what was described here on the site about masturbation habits and how it affects relationships.
I feel that a female-led relationship is what I secretly have been craving for. My current wife is not very sexual and she is rather timid. I think I am better served with a female who can take control. It would make me feel a lot safer...
Anyways, sorry to pour out my thoughts her on the first post:). I am excited to be following the site and have some fruitful dialogues with like-minded folks.
Welcome! Keep reading and let us know if there is anything we can help you with. I too agree that we aren't quite wired for the way society operates. It sounds like you are close to abandoning your current relationship but something pulled the two of you together in the first place. Consider looking to what drew you together and try and pull some elements of this site into your relationship. Something as simple as doing tasks for her and giving her a new level of love and support will go a long way.
Others have mentioned it but when she feels respected, she will gain confidence. As you see her gain confidence, give her praise and offer more of yourself. What do you have to lose? She is worth it and you are worth it.
hi I’m Jim.
Two years ago I developed an uncontrollable urge to become submissive to my wife of 34 years ?♂️
having been a successful businessman, entrepreneur & decision maker for over 20 years These feelings were like a bolt out of the blue .
I plucked up the courage to talk to my amazing wife about these feelings & as usual she took it in her stride . We have since then embarked on a journey of chastity and wife led marriage , with varying degrees of success .
We have been stop start in all aspects , but as her confidence has grown so has our journey . Our chastity has been honour based over the last two years with some play with different devices ( mostly cheap ) comfort has been our biggest hurdle to proper keyholder wife .
That has now ended with the purchase of a custom device ! It is totally comfortable aside from when I am aroused .
Ms Vivienne now has total control of the keys and everything that involves . I have to say , I feel totally calm and extremely happy that my amazing wife has assumed total responsibility for our sex life and all the related WLM stuff .
hopefully we will both be able to share some of the journey via evolving your man
( great site btw )
regards to all Jim
I'm not sure whether she is cut for it but it is sure worth a try. It seems that we are worlds apart in terms of expectations around our relationship. When I found this site, I couldn't stop reading because a lot of it was almost identical with the fantasies I had for years now. I never thought that there is a female partner who could give me that level of safety, but apparently they are out there! I have grown up -- we all have, I think -- with counter-intuitive role models. As you describe in one of your articles, females are better suited to take the lead in a relationship, and I always had a feeling that that is closer to the natural order, but then never found this to be seen as acceptable in the mainstream. So, again, it's so refreshing to read these pages!:)
I am now confident that my intuition wasn't wrong, and want a female-led relationship for my future (with or without my current wife). I crave being caged and handing over control over my orgasms to a strong female partner. I think I have suffered for a while from too many distractions, and a lack of discipline and believe that males are inherently not capable of fully controlling their sex-drive.
In my current relationship, I just feel that this is an unsurmountable obstacle. I can't imagine ever bringing this up to her because I think she won't feel comfortable with it and is just not the type. So I guess my question would be how to move gradually towards being caged and whether there are "first steps" that we could take? I mean, I don't want to just tell her one evening to please lock me up, out of the blue!:).
Like I said, if this does not evolve into such a relationship, I would look for a more dominant-by-nature partner in the future...