Jerking off is ruining our relationship
Hi. My husband has a problem with jerking off and it gets in the way of our relationship. Some google searches later I end up here. I like the theme of your website but I am not wanting to punish him by making him lock his penis in a cage. I just want to change his masturbation addiction to where it no longer get in the way of our relationship and our sex life anymore. I think the science behind what you preach makes sense I just wonder if you can do this all without the lock on the cock.
Welcome to the site CamiCakes.
Masturbation can be a challenge with any relationship. You mention that it is getting in the way of your relationship. What do you mean by that, specifically?
To clarify, chastity isn't about punishment it is about providing guidance, love and help. I see how a cage may look like a element of discipline. Some of the fetishy blogs and tumblr captions portray a commanding dominatrix woman threatening to lock her man without orgasm for the rest of his life. That is fantasy and not rooted in a realistic chaste relationship.
What do you hope to accomplish with orgasm control?
We use male chastity like Emma describes, it is not about punishment or being cruel. It is about help from my wife to reduce my masturbation. Left to their own, most males would masturbate daily, some even more.
Can you do it without a device? Maybe, but it is difficult. We never really talked about masturbation and how often etc. until a few years ago. We have been married 30 years. My wife was shocked I did it 3 or 4 times a week. After she started working from home a few years ago, I had little private time That is when it was brought out in the open.
For a while, she said 3 times a week was ok, but later said that was too much and twice a week was the maximum she could tolerate.
I am on the honor system at all times, no masturbating ever behind her back. She is to know ever single time. If she leaves the house, I am locked. And, for one week to 10 days a month, I am locked mostly full time except for cleaning and there is no sex or masturbation during that time.
Has it helped our relationship? Absolutely. My wife likes it that I don't hide anything from her and I feel closer than ever to her. I give her more back rubs, we kiss more and basically have a better time. My wife is more open to hugging and cuddling if she knows it won't lead to sex or me wanting to masturbate.
i would agree what Emma und russ195 already pointed out. From my (male) point of view i would politely add one more thing. A man who's masturbating behind his wife's back steals her the chance to give pleasure to him. He steals himself the opportunity that his beloved wife take care of his needs. It is like, she had prepared a wonderful meal, with candles and fine wine, and he comes home already sat because he was in for a quick drive-in burger.
If a couple would like to share life and beautiful things together (in general and in particular), both has to be open and take care. If I, as a man, left my wife behind and close the doors, this can't be in my own interest. Why should i use my own hand, if she can do it so much smarter, softer and affectionate.
So your man has to understand that he's - for a lot of reasons - doing better not to visit the burger-drive-in (so to say).
That brings cage into play (pun ). It is one of the "reminder" that "preparing the meal" isn't his obligation anymore, he isn't even allowed to nibble without your permission. His reward is in his wifes hands.
She has to take this responsibility as a chance to get what belongs to her, to claim ownership, to demand her satisfaction (in general and in particular). She's going to be his kinda (wet) dream, and he's that kind of puppet on the string. That means - he as a man - will receive more sex than he's ever able to produce with his own hands for a short (later on frustrating) moment.
This only can happen, when both of you are completely open and honest, not just in a single talk, but in any situation, this builds deep trust and intimate bonding.
A man who's masturbating behind his wife's back steals her the chance to give pleasure to him. He steals himself the opportunity that his beloved wife take care of his needs. It is like, she had prepared a wonderful meal, with candles and fine wine, and he comes home already sat because he was in for a quick drive-in burger.
Interesting analogy and well said!
When he jerks off he isn't as horny when I want to make love. After he masturbates I can also tell that he doesn't have the same level of attention for me like you said in your blog. In a perfect world he would not masturbate for one to two days before we have sex so he is most horny for me. Are there things I can do without a cage so it won't seem so kinky? I want to approach him with this but I really don't want him to freak out when I show him a big steel cage. Is there a blog for beginners who just want to try it?
I want to approach him with this but I really don't want him to freak out when I show him a big steel cage.
As i try to explain: It's all about trust, honesty and being there for each other. If he's not open-minded and tell you about his (jerk-off) fantasies, it will be nearly impossible to start this journey together.
Whatever you do, or try to do, you can't do it alone.
Most of us seems to have the problem vice versa - "How can I convince my wife/gf to lock my member". But the answer is the same. It needs two persons.
Btw. a cage didn't make it impossible to jerk off. It's more or less some physical/emotional-Reminder for him.
It will help him - if he allow it - as constant reminder that he has given up control in this particular part.
So dare you to ask him, why he's doing it without you, what his fantasies are about, without judging anything and without evaluating too much. Imagine you come together in some separate "Fantasy-Room" where everything is allowed, nothing is wrong, no guilt, no so common social guidelines binds you.
@flyingbob Very well explained!
When husbands masturbate, it does steal from the wife. I know what some would say, "gosh, she probably isn't going to be in the mood later, so I'll take care of it now". Well, if you do it now, you won't be in the mood either.
@camicakes Yes, there are a couple of books you get get off Amazon, "Locked in Love" is a good one. Not cruel etc. but male chastity done in a loving way.
Also, "Male chastity Play for Modern Couples" is a good one.
I just wrapped up a blog that I started some time ago. I think you might find it relevant to your situation. Thanks for the motivation to come back to that one and put some finishing touches on it.